The Smitten Kittin

And who might that be you ask?  It's me.  I was completely worried that Dan was just not that interested, into me, "ready"....you name it.  But he has finally dropped enough hints that it is clear that he is.  We are having dinner tomorrow night and I couldn't be more excited.  I haven't been able to think about anything but Dan all week, and kissing him is pretty high on the list of my thoughts.  Oddly, unlike my behavior and thoughts over the last several months...sex and hormone driven....my recent thoughts of Dan fall under the more romantic and sensual.  Now all I have to do is keep it together, not get nervous and not screw it up.  I've never had this kind of problem in the past, but for some reason, Dan has me tossed upside down and I'm just a giddy school girl.  I'm going to try to keep the "talk" off of my mind and just enjoy our time together.  Wish me luck.

~S~

The cowboy man has me wrapped around his stetson

Friday, after feeling a bit depressed about the holidays I decided to see if Mike and Judy were up for a trail ride or lessons or something horsey. I had my truck and was ready to roll.  But alas, they had other plans and Judy suggested I ask Dan if he is available.  The thought alone made me queasy...the fear of rejection after putting myself out there was just a bit too high.  It made no difference that we texted alot on wed or most of Friday.  However, after a few hours of diligent Libra deliberation I bit the bullet and asked him.  He teased me for a bit but ultimately agreed.  Us both being Libra's, nailing down the details was the most difficult thing....and he left it up to me as to where we go.  I suggested my home town and he offered to pick me and my horse up.  He got lost on his way to my house but was not to proud to ask for directions.  We went for a great ride, made quite a few stops to let the horses rest and chatted up a storm.  When done we went for a late lunch and I enjoyed the conversation.  Hopefully he did as well.  When we got back to my house he was so chivalrous and just grabbed my saddle and half way up my driveway asked where I would like him to put it.  That was refreshing I must say, most people just ask if you want help.  Not Dan, he just does it.  What a MAN.  We chatted more and gave a hug good bye, then chatted some more....and on the second hug he planted a sweet little kiss on my lips.  I take that as a good sign as lips are reserved for special people.  Sunday we texted a whole lot more and it got a little more flirty for sure.  Nothing too outrageous and nothing like I am capable of, but a move away from the direction of just "friend zone".  It's going so slow though, Hell I've seen sap leave a tree faster.  But here is where it gets interesting.  For some reason I can't stop thinking about him.  All day, every day, he pops into my mind.  It's just not like me to not have gotten bored and moved on.  I want him to just grab me and take me by surprise, but I just don't see him doing that.  I don't know what it is about this man, but he clearly has me wrapped around his Stetson.
~S~

The Love Shack is Open for business....

After my first little kiss with Dan yesterday, I figured it was just time to bite the bullet and finish the last project in my bedroom to rid myself of all things that remind me of my ex.  Our curtains.  I purchased them over 3 months ago, but my curtain rods had pulled out of the wall over my bed.  It seemed like too big a DIY project to tackle, so I just procrastinated from there.  But yesterday was the kick in the ass I needed to move on.  So today I did the unthinkable and used power tools and made a big mess and got the job done.  It is just beautiful!  Shabby Chic like I always wanted but never got because everything was a compromise between mine and his taste, male and female energy.  The love shack may not see any sex for quite a while though as this is my sanctuary.  I walk in now and all I see is me.  I'm not so sure I am ready for  another mans presence in MY room.  It's hard to see the colors well in the pics as the light is bright coming through the window.  But you get the drift.  Who knows, maybe someday Dan will get to grace the walls of this room. One more thing and I am done.  new pretty sheets....yeah....more shopping!
~S~

Dating with Herpes

If you have herpes yourself, I don't need to tell  you the challenges you face...you surely already know.  Unless of course you just found out you have it, your scared out of your mind and now you did a google search wondering if your dating life as you knew it just ended.  I can't say that I have all the answers or am some expert as I am new to "dating" with herpes....."knowing" I have herpes.  I'm 43 years old and just ended a 20 year marriage.  I got herpes from a boyfriend when I was 19yrs old.  I was stupid and didn't know how to "talk" about it.  I thing for most of us STD's are a difficult thing to talk about.  Many people have unprotected sex, and a lot of it....even with AIDS out there.  No, herpes isn't going to kill you, but sometimes it feels like a death sentence.  The death of a singles sex life it is.

Back in the day before I got married, I dated and had unprotected sex a number of times.  I didn't know I had herpes.  I had been to the doctor a number of times as well, and every time it was misdiagnosed as Chlamydia.  Each time I endured a round of anti-biotics...as well as the man I was dating at the time.  Always an embarrassing thing to have to tell him...  "Hey, I know we just met, but I gave you something, take these pills and by the way...I like you".   God how I long for those days, when a simple pill was all I thought I was sharing.  My guess is that I gave herpes to at least 4 men, including my ex husband.  It was after he got it that we actually got it diagnosed correctly, and at that point we were at least engaged if not married already.

We lived with it together for 20 years and it is one of the major reasons I stayed in a VERY bad marriage.  I honestly felt like no other man alive would ever want me....for all time.  Didn't help that when we would fight, that is in fact what he would tell me, and I would spend years and years and years believing him.  It didn't help that the first time he cheated and I went to return the favor, the one guy I liked....didn't want herpes and rejected me....and that solidified the belief, thus I stayed another 4 years before I finally had the courage to leave him.   That was almost 4 months ago.

Now that I am single again, and VERY horny, ALL THE TIME, it is again something I have to live with.  I love sex without condoms, as do most people, and I have no intention of lying about the fact that I have herpes.  But the sad thing is that probably a third of people who have herpes, don't even know it.....thus never having to have the talk.  Out of the rest of us, probably at least a third lie about it.  So basically that means that half the people with herpes will not be telling you they have it, and never face the impending rejection....based on herpes alone of course.  The other half of us are honest and thus risk rejection around every corner.  Having said that, it is not complete doom and gloom.  There are plenty of people, men and woman....who not only don't mind sex with a person with herpes, but also are willing to knowingly take the risk of contracting it by NOT wearing a condom.  The tough thing.....it is not written on anyone's face.

All of this is far from the end of a fun, single, looking for a good time, string of one night stands.  The risk to ones ego and emotions are minimal as once rejected, trust me...another possibility for indiscretion is waiting behind the next bar stool, never a need to worry.  BUT, if one is looking for more.  Looking for love.  Looking for emotional bonding....well then that is another story.  Another heartache all together.  I have found that as soon as I like a guy, really like a guy, I freak out.  Finally there is a potential for happiness, not just the potential for a good time.  And with that potential for happiness is the potential for pain.  I find it hard to even talk at times because all I can think about is when am I going to tell him and what is he going to say.

This leads me to the self sabotaging effect that herpes can have.  I have found that I do not get emotionally bonded to a guy until I know his answer the the dreaded question.  That way if rejection is imminent, it doesn't hurt quite so bad.  Problem with that is, the other person feels this lack investment and mistakes it for something else, and often we don't make it to the question to get rejected.

Speaking of the timing of the question, that is a delicate and fragile concept that no one really knows the correct answer to, if there is one.  I can only give you the consensus that my friends and I have come to, which is this....

There is no need to wear the scarlet letter on your forehead.  Be it a one night stand or a marriage in the making, the best time to spill the beans is when sex is ACTUALLY going to be a reality, no longer a fantasy.    For women though I must tell you, you cannot wait until you have been making out for hours and blue balling the guy is the only option to potentially contracting a disease with no cure.  But....you should have at least kissed and know that you would say yes (even if it is going to take coaxing on his part) if it went that way.  So for a one night stand....you start making out with a guy...as soon as he goes for second base....that is when you stop and say to him....something along the lines of "hey, before this goes any further, there is something we need to talk about"...and take it from there.  You don't have too much invested, and it is reasonably early enough for him to control himself and make an informed decision.  Personally, once you get to second base, things may be a bit too passionate for "reason" to be the deciding factor.  I'm sure many men will agree that once you have crossed a certain point, they will either be quite a bit angry at you for letting it go that far, or, be so sexually driven that they would stick a hot iron in their eye to complete the act.  Which in my opinion is not fair.

If we are talking about forming a relationship, one where courting and dating and emotions are involved, this one can be a bit more tricky, and has quite a few more variables involved.  This is where I am completely lacking in any real world knowledge or experience, as I have just been having fun and self sabotaging my potentials at anything serious.  mainly because I am still legally married and not ready for a serious relationship.  But....BUT....there is this small matter of a man named Dan, who has kind of turned me upside down and really the reason for this post. I myself am at a place where I am now forced to think about......"when do I tell him?"  My friends and I have been talking and the conclusion is the same.....when sex becomes inevitable.  At this point, we are still bouncing around in the "friend zone"..,and barely had our first peck on the lips yesterday.  Our "courtship" is moving at a snails pace, and due to the fact that it may not actually go any where, I am waiting to see if there is that magic between us.  If I blurt it out now, I am basically just telling a friend I have herpes, for no reason at all.  I have no idea if he likes me for more than friends, so what reason do I have to tell a friend..."hey...did I ever tell you I have herpes?"....who does that? No one, that's who....so until things ramp up significantly in the passion department.....And we have that compatible first passionate kiss....there is simply no reason to humiliate myself by being THAT  forthcoming.

Now as for the advice for men who have herpes, I don't have any specific information for you because I have never been in the position where I did not have herpes and I was dating a man who did. I am a woman, and I can guess as to how I might respond to such a statement.  I know that AFTER sex is never a good time to bring it up, even after protected sex.  Most women can get much farther into the foreplay and stop and make a reasonable decision.  But I would be willing to bet...somewhere between second and third base is about as far as one should take it.  If you are in a situation, as many men find themselves in this spot, and frequently too I'm sure, where you are in a convincing role, trying to get her pants off and she is reluctant....blurting out that you have herpes will likely not help the situation.  I did however meet a guy online last month, we got to know each other quite well before planning on meeting. His position was that I was the woman he'd been looking for, for years.  When we started talking about meeting, at this point we both REALLY seemed to like each other, I decided to tell him.  Of course I was crying a little as it was embarrassing and the fear of rejection was quite high, after I got it out....he said...."can I tell you something?" "of course" I answered..."I have it too" ...wow...what a relief!  then I asked him when HE planned on telling ME.  he said "on our first date".  That seemed reasonable based on how we felt at the time.  It was the one and only time a man has ever told me that.  Being that I of course have it too...it was a relief, not a burden.

No this brings me back to Dan..."the cowboy man".  We went on a trail ride yesterday, and went out to lunch afterward.  And I hate how those thoughts cloud my every thought while I am with a man.  For god sakes, for all I know, he has it too, and is going slow because he too is worried about having to tell ME.  I doubt I am that lucky, but a girl can dream right?

And by the way, many celebritites are reported or known to have herpes, though I cannot confirm.  the list includes, Paris Hilton, Dennis Rodman, Billy Idol, Michael Vick, David Hasselhoff, Anne Heche, Robin Williams, Liza Minelli (who reportedly didn't tell hubby till after they were married...for shame) possibly Kris Humphries (though he is denying) Katie Holmes.

So let me just add this as my opinion of the day.  Herpes is not life threatening, just inconvenient.  I've had it for 20 years, and while I used to have outbreaks often back in the day, I haven't had one in the last 4 years.  My best friend has had it for 20 years and she has only had 4 outbreaks in the whole time she has had it. Two more of my friends have been married to men who have it for over ten years, and have never contracted it themselves.  And if we REALLY look at this objectively, once you have it, you have just opened up a whole new sex pool of people to sleep with.  Cuz you just can't get it twice, and those who have had it are far more likely to FUCK the ever loving shit out of you once they find out you have it too!

Happy hunting with herpes,
Share the message, not the disease.
~S~

Here is an email on advice about telling someone you have it.

Here is some helpful information that you will want to read about the moment

when you have to tell a loved one that you have contracted herpes type 1 or 2.

Although herpes is not usually life-threatening it can be life altering and so you

have a responsibility to inform your partners of the possibility of infection.

How can I tell someone for the first time? When it comes down to the basics

of telling there is no foolproof method. What you say and how you say it are

going to depend on your own personal style.  It is only natural to feel apprehensive

about telling someone else about herpes for the first time because there is a lot

of misconceptions in our society.

Carefully choose the time and place for telling someone. Although it may not be

necessary to tell someone right at the beginning of a relationship, do not wait until

after a serious relationship is established as this is not fair to the other person.

Some Practical Tips

Choose a comfortable place

The discussion could take place where you feel safe and comfortable. Some people turn off the TV, take the phone off the hook, and approach the subject over a quiet dinner at home. Others prefer a more public place, like walking in the park, or a quiet restaurant, so that their partner will feel free to go home afterwards to think things through.

Be ready to answer questions about the facts

Be prepared. Plan what is going to be said and have your facts about genital herpes clear. It can be a good idea to have relevant printed information on hand to read.

Be yourself and let the conversation flow naturally

Be spontaneous. Be confident. Regardless of their response, you are doing the right thing for both of you. By telling your partner you are allowing them the choice of whether they wish to take on this risk (although it is very, very small).  It also allows the two of you to communicate together to prevent transmission.

Put yourself in your partner's shoes

Consider how you would feel if the roles were reversed and you were being told. You can also role play the situation with a friend who already knows your situation, but do not let them always play the understanding partner. Convincing another person can help convince you.

Do not be negative or make it more than what it is!

Your attitude will influence how this news is received. Psychologists have observed that people tend to behave the way you expect them to behave, and expecting rejection increases the chances of an unhappy outcome. 

I don't want to be rejected...

Being honest with your partner is part of the process of becoming more wise and more true to ourselves. Even if this one person rejects you at this point in time, this does not make you any less of a person. In fact, you are more gracious and courageous for doing the right thing in a difficult situation.

Herpes affects over 80% of americans by the time they are in old age. This virus has been massively misconceived and should not be seen as so dirty!

You are just unfortunate to have caught this virus. It is hard not to today and if you have been sexually active and not caught herpes you should be seen as lucky. Do not feel ashamed of your situation, just be open and honest.

Holding my Breath

As much as I don't want to hold my breath, I'm just going to have to hold it.  Dan shocked the hell out of me yesterday....he texted me.  I'm not getting too excited, it's just one small step for him....but at least it's in the right direction....I hope.  We texted and teased each other, and maybe after our horrific display of moronic proportions at the party....it was actually a good way to get back to talking to one another and not being too chicken shit.  Now I get to just sit here and wait again and see what happens next.  All I know is that I am horney as hell and craving human touch.  But since I have to cross the hurdle of the herpes talk at some point, I am trying not to get too into him yet....but good god, I wake up thinking about him, think about him all day, and he's the last thing on my mind before I drift off to sleep.  I don't know what happened to me....but crap I got it bad!
~S~

~Dim the lights~

She burned white hot and beamed with life

But this light would only cause her strife

Blinded by her radiant glow

Friends and lovers became her foe

One by one, her flames they snuffed

Until she’d finally had enough

She broke free to light her fire

To find the love she doeth desire

But yet again she burns too bright

Shameful should she dim her light

Look at yourself before you demand

She’ll light the way of your darkened land

Stay in the dark or follow along

But do not silence a brilliant song

~S~

I wrote this when I started thinking about how/why I intimidate men, people in general really, and the split second thought I had, that maybe I should dull it down a bit to stop scaring men away.  But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that is what I did in my marriage and with my friends for years....and look where it got me.  A dead soul.  So I decided I am going to just be ME and let the man who is strong enough to be MY man find me.  I know for my future, I want a man who is strong enough that I don't have to rule the world anymore.  A man so strong, he can be the soft place for ME to land.  I am a lot of woman to be around, and any man who can't handle it.....doesn't deserve me.  So, this big light of mine....I'm gonna let it shine!

~S~

Demons of My Past are starting to Haunt Me

Well I had an interesting weekend for sure.  Emotions started creeping up on me....and fast.  This is the first time in 19yrs I will not be with family for the holidays.  My ex's parents are in from Colorado and he asked for my son for Thanksgiving. It's also the first time in too many years to count, that "I" won't be the host slaving with love over a dead bird to create my world famous master piece......my gravy.  I hate to brag, but my gravy is out of this world.  Just pour it in a mug and enjoy!  But as the holiday is getting closer, it is hitting me hard.  I'm finding it hard to hold back the tears and I think it is starting to bleed into my single life.

So about Dan..... here's what happened.  Our mutual friends had a party and invited both of us.  Let me say that every one thinks we should be together and are going out of their way to try to make it happen.  Dan has expressed a liking to me, and I of him.  However, I think neither of us are truly "ready" for this as we are both going thru a divorce right now.  But none the less, there we were at this party, both of us nervous and self conscious to talk to each other.  We were both lively and chatty with everyone else at the party, but with each other..???.....Total Morons.  I was married for 19ys and he for 15ys, and it's only been a few months since both our separations.  He did ask a friend for my phone number a week ago, but I haven't gotten a phone call.....sooooo.  For the life of me, I can't "read" him, to get any reassurance if he likes me or is interested. All I can do is go on his actions......because they absolutely speak louder than words.  The fact is....he hasn't called....he hasn't asked me out.  PERIOD

The weird part for me is MY actions.  At first I was only semi interested, thinking about him...."ya he's good looking" but that was about it.  No serious thoughts in my head like I would just die if we didn't hook up somehow.  But he shows up to this party, wranglers, a nice cowboy shirt, his boots....a fresh haircut and goatee trim and DAMN.....he was kinda sexy....and all of a sudden.....the tables turned on me.  All of a sudden.....now I am really interested....REALLY.....and got tongue tied.  I saw Dan the cowboy man in a whole new light....and that's when the demons grabbed a hold of me.

Now all of a sudden I feel absolutely inferior.  I feel like I'm not good enough and once he gets to know me he will change his mind about me.  All those demons my ex put in my head about how I'm no good and everything is my fault, are flooding me all at once.  And the dreaded herpes demon of course.  Like how could a great guy want a woman with herpes?  Even though I know better, even though I know how great I am and that there are plenty of men who don't care about herpes, I can't stop it from invading my mind. So now I find myself crying at the drop of a hat.....like somehow Dan the cowboy man is the only man alive.  I keep telling  myself that he is in fact NOT the only man alive and keep trying to shake these feelings, but I'm finding it so hard and wondering.....why now?  Why are these feelings coming up now?  I have been fine since the day I kicked my husband out.  I have talked to many men, dated a few, had sex with a few....it never bothered me before.  WHY NOW?  My best friend said that it's because I see a potential for happiness and not just a "good time"...and I agree.....since that potential for happiness....also comes with the potential to actually be hurt....which is most likely the leading fear.  NOT a fear of happiness....but a fear of pain.  Pain of rejection.

So I can totally get that Dan is afraid of rejection, because I can almost guarantee that my fear of the same rejection far outweighs his.  Kind of seems self centered and arrogant that I would think my fear is greater than his.  For all I know....he has herpes too and is going through the same damn thing.  I mean REALLY....how do I know?

Regardless of my "feelings".....my actions will be that of aloofness....none of it matters.....if he doesn't pick up the damn phone and CALL me....then that is HIS loss.

~S~

Cowboy Man Dan

So let me tell you about Dan…..Dan the “cowboy man”.  A couple months ago I was at a horse event with my friends and updating them as to my current “single” status.  I had noticed this one guy at the event and thought he was good looking and mentioned to my friends that he is a one in a million guys my own age that I actually found attractive.   As I have stated before, I tend to be attracted to younger men….rather creeped out by older men. 

So after the event we had a potluck and Dan sat at my table and took his sunglasses off.  Right then I realized I knew him and we discovered that not only had we worked together 20ys ago, but that we had gone out on a few dates as well.  He quickly mentioned this to mutual friends, but did really say if he was interested in me at this time.  Well, a few weeks ago I attended another event and he was there.  We ended up talking for a few hours, both during the potluck and a couple hours after as well.  I needed to leave to get my kid, yet he kept teasing me to stay.  I thought he might be interested, yet he didn’t ask me out.  We are both going thru the divorce process and quite honestly, neither of us are ready for a serious relationship.  I thought little more about it until my friends called me up to go on a trail ride with them last weekend.  Of course I agreed.  Not only would I have a great ride with friends, but Dan was going to be going as well.  Despite the fact that I got hurt falling off my horse, I still enjoyed the day. 

After the ride we had a picnic lunch and when Dan and Mike left to do something, Judy quickly told me that Dan asked about me, mentioned he wanted to ask me out, but that he was afraid of rejection.  I told Judy to tell him that I am interested and he should ask me out, but not in a way that he thinks I am expecting him to ask me out and anxiously awaiting it.  I told her that I didn’t want him to feel any pressure.  So Later after I left, he asked Judy what I said….she told him to ask me out and do you want to know what that wimp said?  He said “I’m not ready”…..WTF !!?!!

Why is he asking all these damn questions if he isn’t “ready”?  So I asked a guy friend at work as to why this might be as I just don’t get it.  My friend said that it is different going thru a divorce for a man than a woman.  That they are afraid they are more likely to have the ex try to screw them if they start dating too soon.  He also said, in general, he is likely afraid of rejection as 70-80% men are, and that by asking if I was interested, he probably thought I wasn’t, hoped I wasn’t….as then there was nothing for him to do than go on his merry way…….BUT…..once he found out that I am interested….NOW…..it’s an “oh crap” moment…..”oh crap…now what?...What do I say? What if she really isn’t interested?” and thus….retorting…….”I’m not ready”. 

But Still….So my friend told me to just be patient and see what happens.  I told him that is exactly what I intend to do.  No Rush, No Hurry, No Worry…….

We’ll see, only the future will tell.

~S~

Plenty of Fish in the Sea.....DEAD fish that is...

There may be "plenty of fish in the sea"

But they aren't online...

Goodbye online dating….for good.  You served a purpose and served it well.  You got my feet wet in the world of dating after being out of the scene for 20ys.  You brought me some real characters and I learned a lot from your interesting ways…..but it’s over.  I’m breaking up with you.  Not one of the men you provided me was a quality man with normal social skills.  Well maybe man #25, but still….he’s not “the one”.  I’m a living breathing creature with above average social skills and I’m kind of cute too, just not photogenic.  I don’t know if my pics portray me in a way that only certain men are drawn to me online, or if that is just what is “available” on line.  My best friend explained that the “free” sites have less serious men.  So maybe someday I might try Match.com or Eharmony…..but for now, it is just me and the real world filled with real men.  Men whom I can tell instantly if we have mutual attraction and then we can go from there.  Not the way it has been, talking to an investing time in a bunch of men who went no where.  I am not bitter, don’t get me wrong….we just are not compatible, you and I.  No more pervy penis pics, no more begging for pics of me naked, no more social morons, no more!  I may get a little bored…but that’s ok.  It’s just motivation to get out there and find those men in the grocery store…like the butcher who remembers me every time I come in now.   Not to mention….Dan the cowboy…..until next time…..arrivederci  POF and OKC…..I’m bouncing!

~S~

My Last Online Date: Man #26....UGH X 10

After last weekends date, I have come to the conclusion that online dating is not for me.  However, I have this one last guy to meet with and what ever happens....happens.  I have disabled my POF and OKC accounts and am heading into the "real" world to meet men..........I typed that on my way out the door for my last online date.  We had been texting all week and by his own admission he was a VERY out going person and after last weekends boring date....who couldn't use some time with a fellow extrovert?  I did tell  him that we would be meeting just as "friends", as I had a feeling after all the other men I was NOT attracted to, that there was a high likelyhood that I would not be attracted to him and I didn't want to set any sort of expectation.  He said he completely understood.  Great.  So I drove to Sacramento to meet him as there are so many things to do there that two extroverts could really set the town on fire.  I met him at his house and we drove in his car.  Right off the bat I could smell a boring date on the horizon, but decided not to jump to any conclusions just yet.  Well we got to the sushi place and from that moment on it was like pulling teeth to get him to say anything.  His sengtences were about 4-8 words long and that's it.  We had some great food and the saki was a neccesity for me to survive. 

We left there for another bar and it did not get better.  He did finally start talking a little, but he still made last weeks date look like a talk-a-thon.  I asked him if he was nervous and he admitted he was not a big talker.  WTF....kinda pisses me off then that he flat out said he was prior to meeting me.  We stood outside and had a cigarette before we left at which time he put his arm around me.  I made no such reciprocal advances toward him and I thought he got the hint that I wasn't interested 'that' way.  He tried to talk me into staying the night at his house.  I politely said I couldn't.  So when we got to his house I was quite surprised, despite my desperate prayers, that he tried to kiss me.  I off course made othe offensive head turn and he got nothing but cheek.  So I was even more surprised that he went in for a second attempt after I got in my car before I got a chance to shut the door.  Where on earth does a guy who is not confident enough to TALK to a woman find the courage to try to kiss her?  Where!?!  So here's a tip for all you "nice guys" out there......When you go in for a kiss and get a cheek....trust me...it is no accident.  Pay closer attention to other clues.  Ask her out again.  If she says yes....then try for attempt #2....on date #2....but most likely she is going to say no, or tell you it will be only as friends.  If you get the cheek.....ask for the check.....it's over.    Anyways, I drove away as fast as I could.  texted him the obligitory "thanks for a great time" and never heard from him again.  Had a been a girl that just was not 'that kind of girl' but still liked him...I would have been bummed that he didn't call again.  Just goes to show that he either ONLY was looking for sex, OR, he knew I wasn't interested.  Either way.....no further contact from him says alot, because if he really was OK with meeting as and making friends....he would have contacted me as a friend.

I stopped at my local bar on my way home to check on my friend Joe, who wasn't there.  But Wayne (a guy that I tried to have an affair with a few years ago but I couldn't do it) was there DJ'ing.  I have been getting the feeling that he is planning to make a move on me when the time is right....along with another bar fly Travis that has the hots for me.  So I chatted for a few minutes and went home to sleep my boredom away.

That was my last and final date from an online dating site.  PERIOD
~S~

Online Date Man #25....UGH

So I finally thought I might have met someone that would be NORMAL....not a perv.....we texted for over a week. Not once did he refer to sex or my body.  Very nice and respectful, despite flirting on the edge of the sexual zone.  He asked me out....we decided to meet for lunch.  I have to say that I was physically attracted to his pictures and he seemed like he would be fun to hang out with......well....not so much.

It was a sunday, lunch time and we had to wait for a table with one of those buzzer things.  I figured he might be nervous or something and he quite possibly was.  Even though we managed to talk for nearly 3hrs straight....it was sooooo boring.  He only smiled a few times and I felt like I was constantly trying to engage him with him never really trying to engage me.  He reminded me of one of my uncles with a real dry sense of humor.  He mentioned that he used to be really introverted, but that he is much more outgoing now.  I am the proverbial social butterfly and the quiet ones do nothing for me.  He did little if anything to "end" the date, even though I kind of kept hinting to the fact that it was OVER.  Finally we got up from our table and walked out to the cars.  A quick thank you, nice to meet you, hug and away I drove.

At this point I figured he was just as bored as me and I would not hear from him again.  I sent him a thank you text and thought that was the end of it.  But no, he texted me for a week and a half now and no word or mention of a second date.  Now I will say that because he may have been nervous, I would be willing to entertain him on a second date.  So my best friend made me ask him how HE thought the date went.  He said he thought it went good.....But, he has not asked me out again.  Nor do we talk on the phone.  I am a little confused, but I am not worrying at all because I am pretty sure he is not "the one"

~S~

Online dating: Men #18-24

Ok, so there has been a whole lot of action, going all of about no where for a while.  Here's the update:

Man #18  was an arrogant womanizing PIG. I befriended him just to get the "male pig" perspective.  He actually told me that he joined POF simply to fuck away the memory of a "hot chick" that sucked dick like a porn star.  I seriously don't know from what planet he thought a woman, even a friend, would want to hear that shit...but he blurted it out.....  SO, I started asking questions.  Asked why he wanted to go out with a woman who didn't "suck" very good?  Being that he stated he could not get off any other way.  Things like that.  It was quite insightful to talk to a man who seemed to genuinely not like women.  Most of them he called "bitch" by default. I have encoutered men who like sex more than relationships before, but none of them seemed to think so lowly of women as he does.  Most of them LOVE women, just don't want to be in relationships.

Man #19 is from a long time ago and actually lives about 400 miles away.  I almost drove down to see him, but decided I was just not desperate enough to do so....so he is on the back burner as emergency plan B.  Should I find myself horny with no available options and in a state of despair.....I just might make the pilgrimage.

Man #20 was a little too boring for the conversation to get off the ground and into a date.  We just faded away. 

Man #21.....OMG....what a freak show.  At first things were going great, we talked and he seemed "normal" so we decided to meet that friday.  Then he started getting carried away with sex talk.  I told him that I was uncomfortable with the subject until after we meet.  So instead of dropping it, he started making inuendo's toward sex.  Being a very horny woman, I went along with it even though I had this nagging feeling.  He also during this sex talk, kept refering to me as "her/she".  Seems that often, i have discovered, that many men feel the need to "sell" themselves sexually....in order to get a date.  It was in his "pitch" that he would make the reference.  "SHE is always pleased"...."I'm always gentle with HER"........how wierd is that?  As the weekend drew near, I became increasingly unsetteled.  Then Friday afternoon I was asked out by man #15.....finally.  So I said yes and cancelled on man#21.  While at first this might seem cruel or self serving....in the end it was a blessing in disguise.....despite the kharma related ending it had for me....which I will get to in a minute.  So when I told man#21 that my ex was not picking up my kid (the excuse given for cancelling) he freaked out and said he HAD to see me....THAT night and frantically asked for my address....home address.  I told him that I don't have men over at my house on a first date or when my kid is home.  He insisted and asked if I could come out to the street or something.  He went on and on about how disapointed he was, that "I" knew how much he was looking forward to meeting me.  I knew instantly what that "nagging" feeling I had been having was about, and it was THIS.  I knew he was going out of town the next day, yet the next morning he tells me that his trip was cancelled and could I meet him that night.  I told him I already had plans for the evening that I could not get out of.  And with that, I never heard from him again.  WHEW!!!.....but as for the date I accepted to cancel on this guy.......read on.....

Man#15......We had been messaging on and off for about a month and it finally progressed to the point of a date.  Mind you, I didn't instigate this date, nor did I suggest it.  He always appeared to be a nice and respectful man and we had great conversations online.  He asked me to meet him that night, I said yes and we decided to meet in the middle.  about a 40 min drive for each of us.  We texted right up to the point where I was pulling into the town in question when he cancelled saying he got a call that his kid was sick and he had to go get her.  He seemed genuinely upset that he couldn't make it.....and I havn't heard from him since.  So how is that for kharma?  I get stood up by the guy who I stood up another guy for.  Kharma....she's a bitch!

Man#22....This is a WTF? kind of guy.  Ya know....one that I am REALLY attracted to, he says the same thing....and poof.....vanished into thin air before it ever got started.  Damnit!!!

Man#23....he was a cutie, we talked on the phone, he seemed sweet and normal.  We were texing alot, sent a few pics and whamo......"I want to lick your Ass"......That was also during the week with the other freak....so I just never replied to the text.  He sent me a few more that I didn't reply to.  He got the hint and left me alone.

That was a few weeks of my life I'll never get back.  But I learned some valuable lessons.  Number ONE...is to listen to my gut....the pervs just give off signals...I clearly have a radar for it....so I need to listen to it.  At this point I am thinking.....I am done with online dating.  Just have to play out the last two guys I'm chatting with first.  Regardless of the outcome....I'm pretty sure online dating isn't for me.

~S~

Feast or Famin....it's a buffet at the moment! Men #18-#23

Well, alot has gone on since Vacation man (#17) And just when I thought I couldn't do any "better" than the crap that I was snagging.....my fishing net pulls up a bounty to choose from.  Finally....Though most could still be crap, to soon to tell.  However, I have yet another sexual dilema.  There is this hot guy (#21) that, well I am not attracted to for "dating" but.....he promises to be a full night of passion. (don't they all?)  Back to the "can't beat 'em-join 'em"....with this one.  Vacation man got me frustrated big time....and I need it like a crack ho needs her pipe.  I have a few others dangling on the line, that are possibly willing to not view me as just a sexual object.

#18...Mr. Shallow, is a real Local guy, who we are just "friends"...fine by me, he is NOT my type personality wise....in any way shape or form, and he aint good looking enough to be as shallow as he is.

 #19...The puruvian Lover, is a guy who'm we've been texting as friends since April.  He lives so far away that despite our mutual attraction...It really is just too far away.  But, we've been talking about finally meeting.....we'll see. 

#20...Mr Nice.  This is a new development, he's a correctional officer, we'll see if this goes anywhere.  I think I might be too much for him.

#21...The Assyrian Lover I spoke of above....he may be too much for me...LOL

#22...Mr. Libra, another new development, my heart is pounding....I really want to meet this one.....REALLY

#23...Mr. Flip that chick~POF~pending

#4....showed back up and thinks he deserves a second chance to stand me up again....

Hmmm...could my whole thought process be wrong?

So I've been thinking a bit after "vacation man", and how for all intents and purposes, we were not THAT compatable as far as conversation goes...I doubt I could have dated him as he kind of had that "old fart" vibe to him....and honestly I was not really "into" him physically either.  But when he planted that first kiss on me, and it was soooooo damn good....I wanted more.....and it was the steamiest make out session I have had in decades.  I felt like a kid again, yet not, because I am old enough and wise enough to not feel like I was being a "bad girl".  I love kissing....love Love LOVE....kissing...with someone good anyways.  I could and have, done it for hours.

Anyways, not that I feel like I made a serious mistake with the men I have met and disqualified, I do wonder about my screening process....in the looks department.  Not the obvious way out there kind of "not attracted"...but the "almost, but no cigar" kind of not attracted....

I wonder if guys I have dismissed based on some minor superficial looks stuff, which felt like deal breakers at the time, if they planted a hot and steamy kiss on me....would I feel different.  This would either apply to sexual encounters only...at first glance....and if the personality is there....for ongoing dating as well. 

 So what should I do, when confronted with a guy who I'm not particularly attracted to, for minor things, not major differences, should I just go in for the kiss and see how it makes me feel?  Rather than the "blow off" I  have been doing?  And if the answer is yes, should I be even LESS judgmental and superficial and give man #16 a chance, despite his rather large size?  I do find him enjoyable to spend time with.  His face is cute, and he is really sweet and respectful aside from the sizing ME up.....should I?  Afterall he IS a Capricorn.....and not suppose to be compatible with my Libra tendancies.  What should I do....he's asked me out again?

~S~

Complete Sexual Frustration!!!! Vacation Man #17

OMG, I think I may just rape someone. So Friday night, I met this guy on vacation from Wisconsin. We made out hot n heavy, and it was the kind of making out you can only dream of. It was soooo HOT, so sensual, so passionate, so good…I couldn’t stop myself….and neither could he. We did however stop short of actually having sex. Not exactly my idea, because it was soooo good, I would not have cared if I was a slut. Seriously…how many opportunities for mind blowing sex really come anyone’s way…much less mine? I’m sooooo freaking turned on and frustrated now, I have no idea what the hell I am going to do. It’s like eating one scoop out of a banana split….who the hell wants to do that? You want to eat the whole thing. Taste all the flavors rolling over your tongue. You know eating the whole thing is bad for you, but it tastes so damn good, that you can’t resist being sinfully bad. You try to be good, but you get high on the delectable sweetness and want to ravish every last morsel. God that guy could kiss. Rarely in my life have I ever made out with someone as good a kisser as me….but when I do…..holy shit…it makes me a complete lunatic and I can’t stop from going all the way. And who better for a one night stand, than a guy on vacation? Damn…where’s a good motel when you need it?

~S~

Are you Kidding me? Really? Man #16

I just have to get this off my chest, or ass, or what ever fucking body part you men are focusing on.  When you say in your online profile that you are a BIG guy but proportioned...and show up with a gut the size of a keg....THAT is NOT proportionate!  No matter how fucking tall you are.  So when you show up to a first meeting with a chick who is disproportionately better looking than you, you have ALOT of nerve judging HER in any manner.  Dude's....seriously?  I think I am totally bailing on the whole online dating thing.  I'm just not cut out for it.  I'm not a cold hearted bitch and I don't have the heart to say...."I'm sorry....you're just too big".  I'm new at the dating thing anyways, so I know I have to get better at speaking my mind that "we are just not a good fit".  I'm such a fucking woosie in this department.  I hate to hurt anybody's feelings. And it's part of my growth to be able to stand up for myself and speak my mind.  He was sweet, respectful and fun to be around, and I honestly enjoyed his company....But good God..... he would smother me....literally.  Many things snap under too much weight....twigs, swings, bridges, buildings....and believe it or not..... 5'2" women! I know it will come off as shallow or superficial....but I don't even care anymore.  Especially when you are sizing ME up like a used car.  Like you are actually going to find a used Lexus with every option available with only 10K miles for a measly $2K.  Go ahead and kick my tires bro, just don't be surprised when you go to turn me on and my battery is dead! 

Yet again, I have to look in the mirror and evaluate that "black widow" status.  Fuck! I hate when people call me out on something I don't like, and after careful observation it just might be true.  But in my deffense on yet another man whose blood I appear to have sucked on....this guy was BIG.  And all I hear about is how 'women' lie about thier weight and show up to a first meeting a hundred pounds bigger than expected.  Well, guys do it too....and I feel sorry for all of us 'honest' 'open' 'forthecoming' people who have to find a way to tactfully wiggle our ways out of it.  I just can't wait to hear all my girlfriends say "I told you so".....bitches!  I'm never going to be able to live this whole thing down.  Anyone have a good rock I can crawl under?

Then there is this 27yo that I have been chatting with from OKCupid and all he has on his mind is sex.  sex, Sex, SEX.  Gotta cut the line on this little fishy too, even though he is cute....because if he asks me one more fucking question about my body, I'm going to blow my own fucking brains out. On what planet do horny little boys (yes I'm calling all you immature 20somethings BOYS) think that a mature woman, cougar on the hunt or not, wants to be asked every lewd question there is to be asked about her body?  I'm about to just post my stats on my profile, so I don't ever have to be asked those questions again.....

SWF seeks NORMAL ..SWM,  5'2" blonde hair, size 16 (for real) smoldering blue eyes, 42-32-49.  I shave daily....every where a man would hope that a woman would, my nipples get hard when I'm cold, my ass is fucking fantasic in my thong, I sleep in the nude, occasionally masterbate, and yes...I want to have mind blowing sex....sometimes even on the first date.  Fuck it....there!  I said it...so don't fucking ask! 

Seriously, if these are my options, I'm just going to go get drunk and fuck the next good looking thing to hit on me at the bar,  because none of these men have been worth it....and I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that I can and will do better than this in person.  Time to get out of the house and go talk to that hot single butcher at the grocery store that flirted with me.

ARGGGG

~S~

I joined a Gym....ME....in a Gym...seriously!

It's not as though I have never seen the inside of a gym, nor worked out.  It has just been a couple of decades since that was the case.  Last time I was seriously fit was before I had my son 14ys ago.  I had a rock hard body and worked out 7 days a week.  My calves were literally harder than steel.  I was also 145lbs and a nice size 8.  It's all been seroiusly downhill since then. Living the sedentary life of motherhood and loads of infertility pills, then a serious car accident and then shredding my knee...have all left me a goshy size 16 at 200lbs.  I carry it well, but still...it's got to go!

After my sexcapades with Josh a couple weeks ago, I could tell my knee was causing stiffness and that I should get myself a bit more flexible and drop a few lbs.  I had a moment of conviction yesterday and called the gym.  It's pretty sad that I never knew what a discount I get working for the government and how cheap it was going to be.  A measly $5.50 a week.  While I was joining, the general manager who was signing me up, was clearly taken aback by me....and I didn't even have any make up on.  Why can't guys I'm attracted to act like this?  Knowing that it is against the rules to date members of the club, he couldn't act on it, but he sure was "acting on it"...LOL....poor guy couldn't even speak at one point.  He mentioned a number of times what a fun person I seem like and cautioned me against dating men.  UM....NOT!  And when he tried to get me to take my membership photo and I refused, he mentioned a time or two that I looked great.  It's nice to know I have this effect on men, as it happens quite often that grown men throw themselves at me like I'm some ancient goddess to be worshiped.  'Eh, it's nice to feel that way from time to time....so what can I say....I turn it on pretty thick and torture the hell out of them.

So now that I am signed up, I have a date tonight with man #16 and am going shopping for work out clothes tomorrow, and hitting the gym with a personal trainer sat morning.  I will be enrolling in the Piloxing class (kick boxing/pilates) and the Belly Dancing class.  This ought to complete my Bad ASS Goddess training and with a little luck, I will feel better, look better and Rock it even harder between the sheets.

~S~

Crap, crap, Crapicorns! Man #16

Why oh Why are Capricorns drawn to me…and why the fuck am I drawn to them?  Seriously?  Man #16 is of course a Cappy.  Didn’t I just swear off of them forever?  WTF is wrong with me?  I am very cautious about this union.  So I encouraged a meeting VERY quickly, possibly tomorrow, two days after introduction.  No need to waste my time on yet another Cappy, that will go NOwhere, if that is to be the case, lets find out right NOW!  So far though, he is quite the charmer.  We hit it off intellectually/conversationally like Josh and I do, very different than man #8 the other cappy, who was more pragmatic and “know it all” than Man#16 and Josh.  But again, I’m reserved until we meet.  With my fickleness, his bad boy looks…..OH Ya!...here’s another thing.  I clearly am attracted to bad boy looks….tats, bald heads n such…..this one has a nose ring…..

Not sure if this is just a phase….part of the whole “rebound man” syndrome, or if this is part of a deep inner self destructive way to find men that I may not “fall” for to spare my itty bitty heart from serious destruction, or if it is subconscious about the probability of them not caring about the big “H”, or what?  BTW, he’s cool with the big “H” thing.  Lot’s of introspection will be needed for this one…and I also think it is a “time will only tell” situation.  Dunno…..time will tell.

~S~

Online Date: Man: #9 #10 #11 #12 #13 #15

As you can imagine by the lumping of all them into one post, there is very little to say about each of them.  Man #9 I really enjoyed his company, but there was NO physical attraction on my part.  He was nothing like his picture, but personality….I could totally be great friends with him.  This is not what either of us is looking for, so the one date was it.  Man #10 was a freaky sex addict….NEXT!  #11 is still a potential for a sex only FWB, but it’s already boring the hell out of me and it’s not what I’m looking for….but he sure is HOT!!!  Man #12 was one to be of friendship only, but he was still a flake.  We have a lot in common, live in the same very small town and it would have been nice to have a “friend” but he never showed.  Man #13 is still kind of pending, a young Italian guy, very persistent, makes me wonder.  However my schedule was hectic last week and we haven’t talked much.  Man#14 was very assertive and lightening fast to ask for my number, very fast to want to chat, then “bad day” then flake-o-rama. Man #15 is sweet and we have an ongoing pen pal situation.  He’s attractive and interesting, but not sure if this one is ever going to get off the ground.  So….7 weeks of online dating, I am about to take a break from it.  I’m pretty sure it’s not the way for me to go.  I’m too fickle, get bored quickly, and really just need to be around people.  But it has been a good way for me to dip my feet back into the ‘dating’ pool.  Rather than just jump in head first at some nightclub.

But there still may be hope, in whatever capacity it may be, for Men #11, #13,  and #15.  but now, there is man #16....oh CRAP!

~S~

The Dating Journey

We all have a place where we know we're supposed to be.  Where we know we need to be. Where we know we have to go.  And that place is being a mentally and emotionally healthy individual with as little baggage as possible, so we can have healthy relationships.  Generally speaking it's a long journey maybe 500 miles, and for some of us, it's thousands of miles away. 

Just like a physical journey, this journey in our mind, it's the journey that matters more than the destination.  There's three ways to get there: walk, drive, or fly. You can walk there, but it's going to be so slow and take so long, that chances are you're going to die before you ever get there. Because you're not going fast enough to get to those moments where you can really learn about yourself because youre staying in one place too long.  Or you can fly there... Tell your self you are going to just act and behave like this healthy person everyone is telling you that you're suppose to be.  You may get there right away, but youre just fooling yourself into thinking that you took the journey, just because you went "somewhere". But the reality is, that you missed everything along the way. Flying high above it, seeing nothing in detail and learning nothing about the things that you passed by so quickly. When you get there, you actually feel a little bit lost, because you don't know yourself or this person you are acting like.  You basically didnt earn it.  Or... you can drive. As you take this journey, when you see something interesting you can actually pull over take a look at it.  Investigate it, enjoy it, learn from it, get back in the car and continue on your journey. You're moving fast enough that you'll actually reach your destination, but not so fast that you miss anything along the way.

Were all screwed up in some way. We all know what the healthiest best version of ourselves should look like.  Just because we know it, just because someone tells us how and who to be,  doesn't mean we can just be it. We HAVE to take that journey, we HAVE to learn about ourselves along the way.  We can't just "be there". 

I'm learning that dating, just like anything else in life, really is about the journey.... not the destination. Sure I'd love for the man of my dreams to show up tomorrow and allow me to live happily ever after. But I know if he did show up tomorrow, I probably fuck it up beyond all repair, because I'm not done with my journey.  I'm not even close.  I haven't learned enough about myself, so that I'm ready for him when he does show up. But does that mean I shouldn't date people because I'm not ready for "the one"?

I know were all out here trying people on to see if they are a good fit.  We're learning more about ourselves with each person we try on. Along the way for me, each man that I meet, I truly enjoy the experience of him.  Even if it is a disaster.  I really pay attention to what he's giving me, even if it's not the right thing for me, and even if it wasn't his intention. I learn from it and I take that experience with me into the future.  The more I date and the more that I experience, the better woman I become. Someday I am going to meet Mr. right. And when that day comes, I hope that my journey has been full enough and rich enough that I'm ready for him.  Let's face it, we will never actually reach our "destination".  None of us will ever be "baggage free".  I just hope that when Mr. Right comes along, I've reduced my load to a small carry on, with as little trash in it as possible.

And despite the fact that it may be "taboo" to talk about sex or to have sex, sex IS important. Sex is what takes a friendship and turns it into that romantic "something special".  It's the one thing you can't do with your mother, your brother or any other type of loving relationship. It's the one thing that makes romantic love spectacular, unique, exclusive to just that ONE person.

So maybe sometimes I may sleep with someone too soon or maybe sometimes I might be too afraid to have sex or maybe sometimes we just come together at the right place at the right time and sex is all we have in common.  So what?! It is still about sharing an experience with someone, and hopefully, more often than not, it is a good experience.  I hope that somewhere out there is a man for me, that cannot only be my best friend, but also share with me the most amazing mind blowing sex.  To some extent, from time to time, I will waste my time or someone else's time, trying to spare one or both of us  hurt feelings down the road, by having sex NOW to see if it's "there". Because if it's not, I need to move on.  Unfortunately for some men, sex IS that important to me.  And from what I understand, for most men it's a very important thing for them too.  I really hope we can steer clear of the stereo typical double standard. That sex can be important for a man and they complain all the time that it's not important enough for a woman. Because here I am, a woman that sex is very important to me, I'm open and honest enough to be able to admit that, so I shouldn't be crucified for being the thing that most men complain that women are not. 

I don't know exactly what it is about me that gives off the sexual or sensual energy that makes men view me solely as a sex object though.  I don't say sex object lightly. "Object" is exactly the word that were talking about. As though I have no mind, no heart and no soul.  Treated strictly as the object of a man's desire to fulfill one, and only one of his needs. As though I'm just some materialistic thing with no emotions and don't deserve to be treated with respect, while they fulfill that need through me.  So YES I'm going to be picky, a man is going to have to treat me with respect.  And through that respect, will open the door to the sexual being that he wants in the first place. I don't think that's too much to ask to not be treated like a slut or a whore. To be treated like a human being and a woman who has more to herself than carnal sexual desires and needs.  And if the man can be mature enough, you know, an actual bona fide adult, there's no reason why there can't be consensual sex and enjoy each other.  Enjoy everything about each other.  Mind, spirit and body.  Sometimes it's going to work out and maybe there might be a connection to where we can spend time together and enjoy each other's company for more than just one night. And sometimes it's just going to be that one night. Sometimes I'm going to get my feelings hurt, wanting more out of it than the man does.  And guess what?  Yes... sometimes the man is going to get his feelings hurt, because he wants more out of it than I do. That's just the way it's going to have to go.  Historically men think of women as clingy, needy and emotional... when the woman is the one who wants more. Yet here we are and when it's the man all of a sudden, the woman is some kind of black widow, man eating monster, just using a man and being unfair and cruel.  I'm sorry boys you can't have your cake and eat it too.

Life is just life.  Sex is just sex.  A fuck is just a fuck.  And hopefully somewhere in all those experiences....a connection will be made that can't be broken.  Two people will both at the same time, find the one they can't live with out....when they are both ready.

~S~

~Alone~

Salty little streams of tears, running down my face

Landing on my broken heart, they’ve fallen into place

I’d walked a thousand miles with him for very little gain

Not knowing my heart was still alive and able to feel pain

You made me pick those pieces up and forge them back to one

So I thought I was invincible and could never come undone

I didn’t know how much of you, was filling up my soul

Until you left me sitting here, staring deep into this hole

It’s empty, dark and gloomy; since your smile’s not around

The pain is very haunting and it hovers all around

I will continue on this journey, my virgin steps alone

Just know there is place for you, in my heart you can call home

~S~