Online date: Man #1

So my husbands’ u-haul just pulled out of the driveway.  It had been a long and exhausting 5 months since I first took a stand against the cheating, to the point where he was actually leaving.  I wanted to celebrate, but all my girlfriends already had plans.  So I hopped on tagged.com and struck up a conversation with a new ‘friend’ and we quickly decided to meet for drinks.  I hurried in the shower and hair department and got in my car and started the drive to the meeting point that was halfway between his hometown and mine.  When I arrived, he was cute and charming and down to earth.  I made all the first date faux pas….talking about the ex, in a fun and humorous way though, and proceeded to get myself quite lit.  We had good chemistry, and were flirting like mad with each other.  By the time the bar closed….I was well inebriated and easier than a wild bitch in heat.  We made out in the street against his truck and the next thing I knew….my pants were around my ankles.  Problem is…..I was not greeted with the….er um…tree trunk I had hoped for.  In fact, it was more like a cooking experiment that was left to boil a bit too long. I was quite disappointed and exited stage left as fast as I could.  There were a few things he did and had that eluded to the fact that this had nothing to do with me.  Any limp dicked man with a cock ring in his truck…..um ya….I can’t be the first woman this happened to.  Sad….he was fun and a really good kisser.  I have to say that being this easy is not exactly my style and not how I intend to behave on future dates.  I just figured….”I’m a grown ass mature woman and if I want to get laid in a truck outside a bar……so be it”….It just would have been nice if had been.  I’m just going to chalk this one up to ‘lesson learned’ and next time I decide to be a slut…I’m going to reach for the goods before my pants reach the floor.

Happy Dating

~S~

My Oh My…

Well, here I am just days away from freedom and peace….feeling a little sad….definitely feeling a whole lot of sexual frustration, and I feel like a race horse stuck in the starting gate.  He’s almost done packing and loading the trailer, and will be leaving for his new place on Saturday morning.  Part of me is thrilled that he is getting his act together and learning how to take care of his business by him self.  But another part is understandably irritated that he refused to make changes WHILE we were together.  As I have felt all along thru this process, I believe the ONLY way for either of us to make changes is away from each other.  To force us out of our complacency and comfort zones.

I met someone new yesterday, online of course, and we really seemed to hit it off well.  We'll call him Freddy.  We have a lot of common interests, he’s younger being 8ys my junior…..I think I really like this younger guy thing.  Though I am not holding my breath that we will have the same spark in person.  Physical chemistry is so vital and something that I just cannot fake.  But I sure do hope it is there.  There seems to be a magic bit of shine in younger guys that older men seem to have buffed off.  Now I am not here to say it is better or worse, as clearly I am older and my sheen is a bit dull as well, however, the allure of the younger man is that he polishes me up right nice.  I feel more alive with them and somehow as though I have a bit of my youth back that was stolen in that long relationship. 

Anyways, for all I know he may disappear tomorrow, but the good news is that I have hope that another will be right behind him to take his place.  I am in no hurry, I am going to do me and have some FUN!!  I am definitely ready to date, not ready for a serious relationship, and quite honestly wouldn’t mind a good steady friend with some fringe benefits from time to time.

~S~

"I'm Sorry"

Two little words that can seal a crater…OR….drive the knife in your heart a little bit deeper.  I’ve learned that “I’m sorry” often times means nothing, nothing compared to ones actions.  It’s true, actions definitely do speak louder than words.  Last night, as usual, my husband was ‘helping’ me do something.  But did not tell me he was doing so, and in his carelessness where I was concerned, I got hurt pretty bad.  He is always in a hurry, and I can’t go fast enough or efficient enough to satisfy him….and somehow I end up bruised at best.  So he nearly broke my elbow last night pulling an ice back out of the freezer from behind me.  I had no idea he was there….the ice had melted and then hardened back to one giant block of ice.  As he was pulling it out, I moved my elbow in that direction and WHAMO….I was seeing stars and cursing to the heavens.  Blah Blah Blah….10 min later….he was pissed at me….ME!!! Because I was upset that I was hurt.  I had accepted his apology, as benign as it was, but my son was trying to make me feel guilty and in my explanation to him, my husband got mad at me.  I am an intelligent woman, and I can totally understand accidents, and I can whole heartedly forgive them.  But not when your ‘accident’ is due to complete and utter carelessness with a total lack of consideration for those around you…namely ME…..and someone gets hurt….namely……ME!!  As usual, in the end…..”I” was the one graveling begging for forgiveness.  Honestly….after 19ys….how the fuck can I still be such a pathetic fucking wimp.  For god sakes….he is moving out in 2 weeks.  We are in fact getting a divorce….and I am still begging HIM forgiveness for hurting ME.  This morning, after icing my elbow for over an hour last night, I have a huge lump on the bone and it is killing me.  But it’s very comforting to know…..”Accidents happen”.  ARGHHHHHHH….!@#$%^&*(

~S~

"I need you"

"I need you".........The three hardest words to say.  Harder to say than "I want you"....for sure harder than "I hate you"....Even harder than saying "I love you".

Saying "I need you" leaves you naked, exposed and vulnerable in a way no other admission can.  Vulnerable to have your soul ripped into shreds.  Vulnerable to being abused and taken advantage of.  Saying "I need you" can bring you to your knees, leaving you at the mercy of another's merciless soul.  Exposing your heart to the greatest pain and self doubt ever known.  Words that don't need to be said, in order to be felt by another.  A plea not needing utterance to be twisted into another's advantage over you.  The essence of your being, shackled to your cries of weakness.  Desperate to avoid tyranny and oppression, hoping for tenderness and benevolence.

There is no feeling I hate more than needing someone.  I hate how the second they know I need them, they feel it gives them free licence to tear me down.  Like I am no longer worthy of common decency and respect.  A free for all of mayhem and destruction.  What ever it takes to reduce me to the smallest resemblance of humanity.....and why?.....Because I am in need...that's why.  THAT is my crime....needing YOU.  I swear...I am going to do my damndest to get out of my current situation as quickly as possible because I do not ever....and I do mean EVER....want to NEED anyone ever again.  I love to feel needed, but I don't twist someone elses need of ME into some form of sadistic strong hold over them.  But here I sit, the victim of my own choices and decisions, forcing me to need, forcing me to be at someone elses mercy.....I will swallow this pill for now, as I suppose I deserve some of it.  I will take it like a woman, though I will hate every second of it.
~S~

I'm overwhelmed....help!

As I started to go thru boxes in the garage, purging my past from square carboard recepticles of my life...It occured to me that I never unpacked when we moved in here 4ys ago.  Not really unpacked anyways.  I had surgery a few days after we got the keys and just as I was fit enough to actually do some serious unpacking.....I caught my husband cheating.  After that...I never had the heart to unpack.  I mean, why bother when you think 'any day' you might have to box it all back up again?  I found some boxes I packed for storage over 10ys ago.  And I also doscovered my husbands habits of just boxing up all my crap I have laying around and tossing it in the garage.  Some boxes are neatly organized with like minded things inside....others look like mini tornadoes had been swirling around inside with a hodge podge eclectic collection of odds n ends. 

I'm trying to be as practical as possible, knowing I will be living in a place half the size with NO storage to speak of.  But the rent is dirt cheap, so I can't complain.  It all got me thinking about how I can have any bed spread I want.  Any decorations I wan't.  I can be as girly and froo froo as I desire....and I am going to decorate with the Shabby Chic eclectic style I always wanted to....that HE wouldn't let me do.  I found my great grandmothers chenille bed spread and it will look fabulous with all the decorations I found packed in my nightmare....otherwise known as my garage.  I was hoping to have a yard sale this weekend.....but I am no where near getting thru all that crap....much less having made it into the HOUSE to downsize in there.  Good news is that I have been diligent and have reduced my possesions thus far by half!  Sad news is that I will likely be rehoming my dogs.  There will be no one home all day with them and the pup still isn't house broken.  If I can work out fencing in the back yard, I might consider letting them stay.  Wish the munchkins luck.
~S~