Bitter Sweet Heartache

Part of me knows exactly what is going on, yet another part is still trying to figure out what the fuck just happened.  Maybe it is a whole lot of denial on two peoples parts.  Maybe it is the right people meeting at the wrong time in thier lives.  Maybe it is both of us wanting to be selfish and keep for our selves more than the stars destined for us.  I've always known deep in the depths of my soul that Josh and I were destined to meet.  It was a force of nature neither of us could avoid.  Maybe this destiny was written thousands of years ago....maybe just in both our last lifetimes.  For the whole history on how we were destined to meet and the astrology behind it, you will need to read the "venus goes retrograde" post.  But I also believed that while we were suppose to meet, we were not destined to be together, not as more than friends anyways.  I'm ok with that because Josh really hurt me, after he helped me leave my husband.  After the purpose of this destiny was fulfilled.  I haven't written about it because it's just too painful and the whole thing is beyond my scope of understanding sometimes.  As far as Josh and I are concerned, I am A-OK with letting the stars decide for us and going with the flow.

So over the last few months, Josh has confessed a few things to me.  They were sprinkled in with a bunch of crap, like he thought I wouldn't really notice that he said them.  Duh.  I have ears!  He has confessed to me that he "ended it" because "he knew he wasn't good enough for me".  He has confessed that he sometimes thinks that "he made a mistake with me" and always tells everyone that I am "the most amazing woman he has ever met in his life" and most recently he told me that he has been seeing me in "a new light".  And his complete and utter butt-hurtedness over adding Owen's Gemini sign to my Libra and josh's capricorn signs in my tattoo.  Oh boy, I thought he was never going to talk to me again when he found out i did that. I knew he was beyond proud to be tattoo'd on my ass, I had no idea the feelings were THAT strong about it.  Now I have to get a whole nuther tattoo for him...and JUST for him.  Cry baby!  It's MY ass!

A week ago, he got drunk and called me and went on and on about how much he loves me (we say that to each other all the time as FRIENDS) but this time he was so intent on the "how much".  And then, in his drunkeness lets slip my birthday present that he is going to give me during our weekend sleep over at my house.....SEX.  He goes on to tell me that he has picked up on my little inuendo's of things I have said to HIM.  Mainly my need for getting laid...and good.  I had always told him that he set that bar very high, not only for upcoming men in my life, but for myself as well.  And I guess a few other things that he thought I was insinuating that I wanted HIM to fuck my brains out.  But in all honesty, I was just sharing under the quise of friendship.  For god sakes he tells me about all his whorish antics and women all the time, but when I would tell him about men I was chatting with or meeting, he always found a way to tell me how they were douche bags, and tried to steer me clear of them.  He also told me one day not to send him pics anymore of men I liked.  He said it with a hurt tone, and I figured maybe he was hurt that I wasn't totally hung up on him.  But in the intrest of friendship, I never persued that line of questioning him, as I know he would never really confess his feelings for me.

Anyways, the day after he let slip my birthday present, I asked him if he remembered what he said to me and he said NO.  So I put it out of my head, though now he had me thinking about sex....with him.  I was a bit mad about that, as I hadn't thought of him in that way for so long.  His friendship means the world to me, and we are just better off this way.  But then, just hours before I was to pick him up for our sleep over....he tells me that he "does remember what he said, and don't make him talk about it.  Just keep my mouth shut and go with the flow".  Now I am totally confused.  I pick him up, and there he is with a small white rose bush for me and a bday card.  He was so sweet and innocent about it.  Away we go to my house, where we stayed up talking all night long, sharing music and getting into some deep discussions.  But mainly he just would not shut up.  I figured the sex thing was off the table and put it out of my mind.  Thinking it was really for the best. 

We finally go to lay down in my bed, and out of the blue he asks about a pair of my crotchless thongs and that I should put them on.  I was stunned.  He asked if I would be able to handle it and not let our friendship get wierd.  Of course I said yes, as I know in my heart...1.We suck as a couple and..... 2. He's moving out of state in a few days.  So he proceeds to fuck the ever loving shit out of me and I out of him, for the better part of an hour or more.  And this is where our two 'styles' of sex differ so vastly.  For me, kissing is a major turn on and has nothing to do with falling in love (unless I want it to)....but every thing to do with pleasure, passion and just plain turning me on, both in the recieving and the giving....all over the body.  For HIM....that is reserved ONLY for love, not for fucking, and there is NO in between.  IE: he can't kiss, lips or body, without falling in love.  And projected that onto me....that I must feel the same way.  Regardless, it was by and far the best "fuck" of my life, and I have few complaints if any....other than I could have kept going on like that in his 'style' for another couple of hours.

Anyways....who got wierd about it?....HE did.  He had to stop.  Basically because he kissed me by accident, I said I really liked it and wanted more....but no, he had to stop.    We laid there in my bed naked for hours, talking, cuddling and dueling it out in a wild sudoku battle on my phone.  He was quite emasculated that I beat his ass everytime.  We thought about going to SanFrancisco for the afternoon/evening and I wish we had, because as only the two of us can do, this was destined to end in disaster.  And like only we can, it was a grand disaster.

So we spent the rest of the afternoon doing yard work, going to the dump, and him fixing my kitchen sink. We showered and decided that we would skip going to San Francisco and go out to a little local bar in my hometown. We picked up my new friend Diane along the way, who at best is extremely intimidating to a woman like me. And just before she got the car I stupidly opened my mouth and so it began. "Josh just remember it's my birthday please". All my insecurities and what had happened between Josh and I in the past came flooding over me and I just blurted it out. And I guess, despite my holding it all in for the rest of the evening and saying nothing, I must have let it slip on my face a time or two or ten, and Josh could see it. When it comes to that kind of stuff Josh and I have such differing views on this matter. The way I see it, it was my birthday with my best friend, who was leaving for out-of-state and a couple of days and he promised me more sex when we got back home....so I was excited and looking forward to it and quite frankly expected it. It's his complete detest for jealousy, or anyone laying claim to him, and his complete lack of control in being a whore. So our two perspectives clash, like you just don't mix oil and water. It didn't help that I had no sleep and I was drinking and the later it got in the evening, i just got more tired and I just wanted to go home.

When we finally did get back to my house, Josh could not stop talking. I however was falling asleep on him, and he still kept talking, tapping me on my arm to wake me up so I can hear yet another story about his hometown. I knew that there was an awkwardness that we couldn't get over and I knew that sex was off the table. I didn't expect it and I was exhausted and just wanted to go to sleep. Next thing I know Josh is completely pissed off at me, mainly because I fell asleep and started snoring at 4 o'clock in the morning on night two of no sleep. And somehow, I don't even remember how it started, but he got on this kick, calling me out for being jealous and I started to cry and he got more mad and I cried even harder and he got more mad and I cried even harder and the next thing you know it's a full-blown fight. It ended when I confessed that all I wanted was to come home and get fucked again. I just wanted our perfect last weekend together to end perfectly. I just don't see what the Harm in that was. The fight finally wound down and I just asked if I could be alone for a little while. I knew I was going to miss him terribly, and i just wanted to cry it out by myself in the backyard. I came back to bed to find Josh sprawled out naked all excited to have sex, as if swollen eyes and snot is sexy. All I ever hear about, is this great makeup sex that people have, but we didn't really make. The one thing I needed was the one thing that Josh can't do. The words "I'm sorry" are just not in his vocabulary. I conceded, and we had sex. However I was so uptight and in my head, I couldn't even enjoy it. He knew it, I knew it, so he busted a nut, we rolled over and crashed. Of course when we woke up a few hours later, everything was awkward and I just wanted to take him home. It really broke my heart because I really love him as a friend. I didn't want it to end like this.

The next night, his last night in California, I brought him a notebook for him to write his poetry in and I started it off with a few of my poems and the two poems that I had written for him. "piece of me". He's home in Washington now, and despite having a goal of buying me a plane ticket so I can come visit him in Washington, I doubt I'll ever see him again. I hate that we left things the way that they were. But I'm glad that we had Friday night and most of Saturday as a beautiful friendship and that's those are the moments that I'm never going to forget. Happy or sad, I'm glad we had sex, great sex... I just wish we could have held it together. I'm going to miss my arrogant douche bag friend. His mantra will stay as a big part of the new me..."Live like a Tiger, or die like a Pussy"

I Love you Josh, Good bye

~Mishelf~