~Heart Castle~

There’s a giant wall around my heart. It came out of no where, and is deflecting anyone and everything from getting inside.  My heart, the proverbial princess, is locked in a steel box, in the highest tower, protected by a fire breathing dragon.  Love cannot get in or out.  Dark nights on dark horses defend the stone wall perimeter, standing high above a shark infested ring of death.  The bridge incinerated so that not even the tiniest of harmless creatures can invade my space.  Who sentenced me to this imprisonment, was it my soul? My heart is usually something of a fairytale nymph prancing thru meadows riding a unicorn, open for all to see and betray at will.  This darkness, while strange and scary, is the by-product of fledgling strength.  I really am not strong enough to endure new pain.  The pain of the past has scarred over and faded with time.  Numb to the feelings for so long, I can’t feel a fresh cut, stab or blow.  How can someone break again, that which they shattered long ago? It stopped stinging when the broken pieces turned to dust.  The dark lord cannot hurt me anymore, but I learned the white knight can, and thus I must protect Humpty Dumpty’s super glued heart inside a massive fortress.  I cannot let the white knight in, no matter how mighty his sword and steed.  I have seen his face before in a dream and when I removed his coat of arms, demons lay behind it, and I cried tears of blood.  I cannot trust even my own two eyes, clouded and blind, they are not the guiding light.  My mind no longer trust worthy as the dove has delivered an orchard of poisoned olive branches.  I cannot trust what I see, hear and feel, when I catch my mind twisting the dark lord’s lies into bite sized truths I can swallow.  Is the white lord the devil in disguise? My mind screaming in silence, as everything is stained red and it all looks the same to me.  Stronger than the lords give me credit for, more fragile than I will ever let you see.  Unwilling to force my heart to endure anything less than extraordinary love, I will wait for the path to reveal itself to me, before I set the dragon free, disband the army and tear down the walls again.

~S~

Woman approved pick up lines

It’s amazing how often I get hit on now that I am open to it. Unfortunately I don’t go too many places that decent men are habituating in order to get some 'pick ups' that I might find flattering.  I never used to get hit on, rather if I did, I was oblivious to it, but now that I don’t walk around looking at the ground any more, I notice just how many eyes I am catching….male and female.  I got a really good one this weekend, that had I not been with josh, it just may have proved quite effective for the fellow.  I have to say that I am quite taken aback at how brazen he was to do it with Josh standing right there.  But he did stop and say in the middle of it “hey man, sorry to be hittin on your girl, but I just can’t help my self” so the awesome line was this, as we stood outside, me facing the lighted building, him unable to do anything other than give me ‘the look’…..

Him: “you have beautiful eyes’

Me: “thank you”

Him: “they remind me of the time I almost drowned in a lake”

Me: “really? Why?”

Him: “because I am drowning in your eyes right now and I can barely breathe”

Later in the evening I also got hit on by a woman that I actually found intriguing and just about took her up on it. In fact.....I still just might do that, I do have her number.  I guess you could now say that I am 'bi-curious' as my bi-sexual sister told me.....Anyways.....I can't remember what she said word for word, I was quite drunk at that point, but she told me I was a Goddess and she would love to know me better if I was into it. 

So all this got me to thinking about pick up lines and which ones might be effective on me.  I did a little research, found some websites that listed all sorts of cheesy pick up lines.  Below I listed my favorites, there were just too many aweful ones to list those as well.  So men, here ya go, pick one, give me a look, get my attention stare into my eyes with confidence and lay it on me.....let's see what you got!

These are in relative order of my favorites on top

 

God was just showing off when he made you.

You're so beautiful I forgot my pickup line.

You are the reason men fall in love.

I've noticed you noticing me and I'm just giving you notice that I've noticed you!

Hi, my name is (insert your name here)

Kiss me if I'm wrong, but have we met?

I'll make you a bet - $20 says you'll turn me down.

One night I looked up at the stars and thought "Wow, how beautiful." But now that I'm looking at you, nothing else can compare.

It's never easy meeting a complete stranger, especially one as beautiful as you, without being properly introduced. But shall we try anyway?

Gently rub the girl's back and say, "I thought angels had wings."

I bet it was hard for God to make your eyes out of crystal clear ocean water.

Walk up to them, place an ice cube on the floor and crush it with your foot) Now that we've broken the ice, what's your name?

If I were you I would go out with me.

Walk up to a girl and look at the tag on the back of her shirt. When she asks what you're doing tell her your checking to see if she was made in heaven.

Excuse me, do you know how much a polar bear weighs? (No) Enough to break the ice. Hi, my name is...

Hi, what's your name? Did you go to (put in a place) yesterday? (No) Oh right, that was in my dream.

~S~

~Defeat or Victory~

After the journey walking through hell

Morphing and falling under a spell

To find a way to stand face to face

With all of my demons and not lose my pace

But who is the woman with the angry war cry

Victory is hers, I cannot deny

Maybe just maybe, could it possibly be

This new person is not intrinsically me

Stern and cold, I don’t know her at all

My softness gave way to unbelievable gall

Ruled by Venus the Goddess of Love

It feels so foreign to behave so tough

I really don’t like this newfound she

Why did they force my hand to be thee

I know that I need her, unconquerable nerve

She’s a mighty mistress I will continue to serve

But I will not forget that I’m a loving soul

And for now, just for now, I’m playing a role

Sensuality and compassion will ultimately prevail

After all it is who I am…..without fail.

~S~

~Tornado~

I’m standing in the eye of a tornado.  But it is not wind and rain that swirls around me, it is my life.   And the same way a car can be picked up like a toy and land on top of you, so too can words, emotions and actions. Every one around me has an opinion of what I am doing or need to be doing. And I feel like the opinions are rogue items haphazardly flying around me that I need to constantly dodge, but can’t seem to do so, because they don’t hold still.  How do I navigate around deadly objects hurling them selves at me with the speed of a gale force wind and are never in the same place twice? Reaching into the debris field, trying to clear a path to find my way out, I’m stabbed again and again with self righteousness.  I feel dizzy from the constant contradictions, from both myself and from others, and I can’t keep up with the storm anymore. The wind calls to me, begging me to step out of the eye, through the crap, and into the sunshine on the other side.  But the calmness of the eye feels safe, though I know it is not.  So I step into the battlefield, braving the onslaught, hit after brutal hit, tear after woeful tear, cut after bloody cut, one final blow and I snap like a burnt twig.  I have finally thrown myself clear of the destruction.  Somehow on the other side, standing on my own two feet, but feeling like I’m on my knees.  Twas not long ago, I was on my knees feeling like I was flying. There is no sunshine here, just rain, tears from the sun and moon and stars washing over me.  Standing back, looking at the tornado, to weak to run from it again, hoping next time it passes me by.
~S~

Fools and the Fooled

How do you know the difference between being a fool and being fooled? As I stood alone in front of a bar, I wondered why I didn't ask myself this question sooner, because it might have saved me from having to walk a half mile or so alone in the dark at 2:30 in the morning, not to mention a raging hangover....and more than a few shed tears.   The really bad part was that I had no idea when i started walking, I was going to feel like a bigger fool before the night was over.

So let's back up, as obviously the story doesn't begin at the closing of a bar, not even at how I was convinced that walking there in the first place was a good idea.... It started off much sooner.  I had been planning on spending this weekend w Josh for a while now, but nearly backed out due to my husband and I kind of splitting up this week.  Monday I told him I wanted to separate, Tuesday he cried all day begging me for a second chance. After a long evening discussing his "promise" that he would do anything to make it work,  I told him I needed time to think about it.  Wednesday he was an asshole that I went to dinner w a girl friend when he didn't come straight home from work  and didn't have the common courtesy  to text me... So I left.  Thursday was my favorite with a very long lecture from my father, summarizing all the reasons in which I am to blame and somehow deserved 19 of misery and that I would be a fool for not giving my husband a chance, and that my future would be even more miserable as a poor single mother and I don't have what it takes to survive on my own.  Add to all this, that after last weekend, it seemed evident that the fling w Josh had been flung into "just friends" after his man whore escapades at the bar last weekend. Which was fine, as he's a great friend.... But it was an experience I didn't want to repeat. 

So Friday when Josh told me to "come over now, I miss you", I jumped at the chance for one last getaway while I sorted my feelings out.  I wanted to see if he was worth not giving him up, to give my husband a chance.  My husband of course was a complete jackass when i told him i was leaving for the weekend, not wanting to give me space and time to think about things, and showing me that he is most likely incapable of change, so a short second chance might be a great way to show him how it is HE who can't make this work, or the space he needed to discover that I'm worth him making a change for.  At the very least it would be made evident that he doesn't have that hold over me, that I am serious about moving on, with or without him.

Josh and I had a great night watching a movie and talking, and all of our Saturday was filled with amazing friendship.  We talked about my plan of giving my husband a three week chance, so I could know deep in my soul that I tried everything.  It seemed that "just friends" was confirmed and I could easily step away from Josh during that time frame and not have to lie to my husband anymore about where I was going so i could meet Josh.... Because "friends" don't need to actually see each other alot to stay friends.  So I was stunned when Josh planted a passionate kiss on my lips before we started walking to the bar.    Back into the land of confusion I went, and back into worry about a repeat man whore night.   Although Josh and I have no commitment, my husband did leave me shred of self respect, which as you will read later how this oozes irony, Josh has been instrumental in helping me to grow that self respect.  So when the alcohol started to get the better of him, rather than stand in his way of having a good time, I would have left.... Had I only not been a fool to walk there in the first place.... And if I'd have known I was going to walk back alone in the end.... I would have done it then and there and not waited until I had no other choice.  But I didn't.... So of course the story continues.  I did have a blast making new friends.... Gotta give a shout out to Lisa whom I was ALMOST drunk enough to let her be my first bisexual experience, and Mark n Nicole a great couple vacationing from Australia.  But, Josh one upped me in the new friends department.  At the end of the night as we walked out of the bar this one woman confronted me asking if Josh was my man.  I told her no, but I'd had enough and snapped.  I'd had enough, hit my limit of tolerance, and told her if she wanted to "tap that" not to let me stand in the way.  I told Josh I'd wait around the corner.  

Bringing us back to the front of that bar, me standing there pondering the notion of my foolishness.  I heard them talking for a while, as I was talking to another woman, while she waited for a ride, whom he was hitting on last weekend. As their voices faded into the back of the parking lot.... I smoked a cigarette.  A good 20 min had passed, I could no longer hear their voices, so I went looking for him, and he was no where to be found. Then and there,  I decided I was most certainly a fool.  I reached for my phone to call him, but it was dead.  I knocked on the bar door and had his friend text him that I was walking back to his house.  I figured I had just enough respect for my self not to stand there like the biggest fool on the planet.  Luckily I made it safely to his house alone and found the spare key in the mail box so I could let myself in and get my things and my car keys and plug my phone in.

I sat in my car for a bit to sober up and calm down before deciding where I was going to go from there, when my phone rang, from Josh.  Yada yada yada.... I find myself pulling up to her car at burger king to get him, and endure one last self inflicted stab to my dignity.  As they sat there and laughed and joked, taking an occasional jab at me, I contained my boiling blood long enough for him to get in my car and get us back to his house.  Because as a friend.... There were a few things that just needed to be said..... Something along the lines of FUCK YOU.  Though that is not how it went as we talked, we expressed our feelings in the best way two drunken fools could do.  And in the end, I was crying my eyes out.  I stayed the night regardless because I really was in no shape to be driving around, it was already 4am and lets face it.....a warm bed beats the back seat of a small car on any day of the week......so on that issue....I am no fool and garnered a full 2 hours sleep!

In the morning light, things were such that we could talk about it a bit better, he appologised, I was able to get my feelings off my chest, and I was able to leave feeling a bit better.  As I drove home, one burning question kept nagging at me.  He always says how amazing I am....

If I am so fucking amazing....why the HELL did I walk home alone at 2:30 in the morning?

I remembered a drunken moment in the bar, talking to Nicole, while he was talking to Mark....we were both explaining how we had met.  I heard him say, as he has said before...."She is the most amazing person I have met since I got to California".....I then said to Nicole......"He has much to learn.....and he is going to really miss me and kick himself when I am gone...he will regret this mistake".....
I just had no idea that mistake was only minutes away.  When we first met, he had some notion that any lesson I could teach him, from a cougar to a cub, would be sexual.  And while that may be true in a sense....I think the lesson he ultimately learns, will be of the heart.  I'm no little girl, I am a woman, none like he has ever met before.  One like few others have met before. I am gentle and loving, soulful and spiritual, but what lies within.....a sleeping, fire breathing dragon......he woke her up and she is now ready to kick some serious ass.

Again.....
If I am so fucking amazing....why the HELL did I walk home alone at 2:30 in the morning?

My phone rang about a half hour from his house, I was almost home.  It was Josh delivering a sincere apology with undertones of regret.  I still was unable to really say what he needed to hear, what I really needed to say.  Things that I was afraid to say to him. But I did manage to say them the next morning, after I got home, and layed it all on the line for my husband and my kid.  They got the brunt of my final straw with Josh....they got Custards Last Stand.  I figured 20ys of being nice got me no where.....lets see how they like "Bitch"....I told them I will not be pushed around by them any more.  Because honestly.....I've been standing in front of a bar for 20ys......It's time to walk the fuck home.....alone.....It's up to them if they want to join ME.....I'm not waiting around for any one, ever again.  So my talk with Josh this morning was good and I was able to ask him that question...."If I am so fucking amazing, why did I walk home alone"  his reply....."I'm a dick"....that you are.

So how do you know the difference between being a fool and being fooled?

I was fooled into being the one to stand alone waiting for a jack ass.  "The fooled" is the one begging someone to respect them.  "The fooled" is the one who had to walk home alone.  But the FOOL is the one who let an amazing brilliant woman slip through his hands.  I'm one in a million boys, if you get the once in a lifetime chance to catch a shooting star...I suggest you hold on tight. 

Peace OUT.
~S~

~Soul Bird~

My soul, once free as a bird, cheery and bright
Long since caged and kept out of sight
Mangled and ugly after clipping my wings
Sad and afraid I can no longer sing
The door is now open, so I will not die,
But the guns pointed at me incase I should fly
Fearless his hand reaches to me
A finger to perch on and set me free
He shows me my song and the wide open land
I’ll soon want to fly, once I learn how to stand
But the voices keep telling me it’s better to stay
Flying is bad and there will be hell to pay
It’s safe in the cage where my soul is dead
I just can’t get flying out of my head.

~S~

What do I like about being a woman?

I never really thought about it before, because for so long, I was not in an environment that let my natural femininity flourish.  But when pressed for an answer, I was surprised at how quickly things came to me, and how much I adored this special side of me.  Had I known I felt this way, I would have expressed this side much sooner….better yet, I never would have let it die in the first place.  It kind of goes against the women’s lib movement, and might seem a bit barbaric to those that have already burned their bras……but why would I want to burn a $50 bra that makes my tit’s look this damn fantastic?  It’s not like I am asking Conan to come over and drag me by my hair into a cave, although that just might be kind of fun. 

No, it’s more like the feminine qualities that men just can’t possess. Men are rugged and angular, very utilitarian, and while nothing looks better to me than a nice ass in a great pair of jeans, how could it ever compare to the allure of a juicy curvy ass that sways with a little jiggle and bounce.  Or the difference between hairy animalistic legs, tan from a hard days work in shorts and the smooth milky glow of shimmering silky skin.  I think there is nothing finer than having those qualities that stop men dead in their tracks and makes them drool.  I know I am sprinkling in my obvious obsession with the opposite sex, and the things that clearly make me stop dead in MY tracks, but I really do love being a woman, and wouldn’t trade what I have for being a man for all the tea in China.  

I would not trade soft celestial sighs for primitive grunting, smelling like Jasmine and Honeysuckle for uncivilized raunchy sweat, adorning myself with trinkets for a smothering tie, nor being wickedly seductive for flagrant show boating.  But don’t get me wrong, oh how I love watching the show.  Should I dare to trade, I would have to give up bubble baths and fine fabrics that feel so good against my skin, the color pink and lace panties that shape my ass just right.  I could never give up talking to my girlfriends about everything under the sun, no matter how evil or how joyous, knowing she understands me.  Without being a woman, I could never cradle someone to my bosom and comfort them with the beat of my heart and a stroke of my hand. I would not have a name that when said with admiration sounds like a song bird singing a lullaby.  

And nothing is more flattering than seeing a man’s antics when he is ape shit crazy in love with you.  Just like the animal kingdom, where the male shows his spectacular colors to woo a mate, we women get to sit back and be aloof, acting like we are ignoring them, when all we can think about is throwing him down and getting all up in his business. We just can’t help but be totally amused by teasing him and whipping him into a love struck fool.  From our sultry eyes to our secret desire to be submissive, there is no way I could not love being a woman.

~S~

I think I kinda have myself a boyfriend

When I started this blog, it was to journal the adventures I was having online, while I decided if I was going to leave my husband or not.  And now a short while later, it is clearly going to be about this guy I am seeing.  Why? Well it seems I am a serial monogamist. Sounds weird seeing as I am now married with a "boyfriend". But I just can't bring myself to continue to talk to all these men online, when I'm finding myself wanting to put all my energy into Josh.  I don't even think about these men anymore, and when I get a message from one of them, it feels like an  invasion on my mind.  And replying to them feels like a chore that I don't want to do.  It isn't a conscious decision to ignore them, it's Just that Josh made me forget all about them and I dont have the time or energy to invest in everyone.

I left work early yesterday so I could spend more time with Josh as I told my husband I was going shopping after work, not knowing when I might get to see him again, I wanted as much time with him as possible.  I got there around 3pm.  We talked for over an hour and had some very passionate sex again.  Hot damn he is one good lover.  Then we talked until I left at 8pm.  I came home to find my husband drunker than usual and the legal stuff I was waiting for sitting on the table.  More about that in a minute.  Then Josh and I talked on the phone for 2 hours. So there's another 6 hours of talking.  Blows my mind we have that much to say to each other. Yesterday he kinda referenced me to others as his girlfriend.  And despite us both expressing that we are in no way shape or form anything like anyone we have ever dated before.....that we are growing on each other.

One of my online male friends along with my best friend, warned me not to fall to fast or too hard.  To make sure and keep my emotions out of it.  I think I am doing well with this so far.  But many things in my past that I thought I had under control, has blindsided me later down the road.  I'm sure this will be no different. While I don't feel like I am getting very emotionally attached, I will probably find out otherwise at some point in the future.

So as to that legal matter I was waiting for.  The thing that has loomed over my head for nearly 2 months now.  The thing that was the icon for decision day.  Knowing the out come of this legal matter, would be the intro into my finally making a decision.  Now that it is upon me, I wish I had a bit more time.  My friends keep asking me what I am going to do, and Josh and I talked about it quite a bit yesterday.  I have 4 options.
1. Give him yet another chance to change and stop cheating.  Become a lover and not just a roommate.
2. Tell him I want an open marriage.  Which I have already mentioned to him as an option.
3. Kick his sorry ass to the curb, and begin divorce proceedings.
4. Continue on this course, lying and cheating myself, and make a decision later.

Regardless, no matter what which option other than giving him another chance I choose, I need to get all my ducks in a row before I talk with  him, so that if he chooses something different, things are ready for an immediate split.  I don't know why I feel so bad putting him out on the street, even if it is temporary.  Which I guess could be option #5, a trial separation. Many couples break up and get back together like they live in a revolving door.  I have never even tried that.  But I know I have to have my finances in order before I do anything of the sort.  I need to know I can pay for everything on my own, if he chooses not to anti up child support on his own without a court order.  So I guess sitting down and making a split budget would be my first order of business.

I really hate that D day has arrived and now the ugliness and nastiness is about to begin.  At least I have Josh for now, and plan on seeing him again on thursday, and also am going to plan next weekend 'visiting an out of town friend".  One day, One sorted affair at a time.

~S~

The scorned wifes revenge.....

can only be that she finds a man who comfirms in her mind that everything horrible her husband made her believe about herself was a lie.   If it can be more than just a one night stand....even better.  And I found just that in Josh. I talked to him Sunday night and agreed to meet him Monday after work.  I looked forward to it all day, and was comforted by his warmness and sincerity when I arrived.  I was so afraid the magic from sat night would be gone.  But no......My god, when I talk, he looks into my eyes with honest intrest and hangs on my every word.  Not in a creepy or nerdy kind of way....rather in that passionate way every woman wants a man to look her.  Like she is the most amazing creature on earth.  And that is how he looks at me.  Our visit was only an hour because he had other plans with family.  So we texted a little and then talked on the phone for about an hour n half until 12:30a.  I swear there is never a dull or silent moment between us.  He made references to things he'd like to do with me this summer.....SUMMER?  He's thinking that far into the future with me?  REALLY?  I was floored.  I just took it at face value and tried not to get too wrapped up into that, as there were many things he said that made me know he sees some kind of future with me.  I know we will be great friends, with or without benifits....though he talked about future benifits too......  My oh my.....I am gettin swept right off my married little feet.  Everytime I think of the things he has done to me, I get a flash across my skin that is white hot and tingly..... I am seeing him again tonight.  I have the perfect 'excuse'.  My husband can sit around wondering where I'm at, just like I have done thousands of times in the past.
~S~

The day that never ended

Well hell's bells, color me purple and tickle me pink.....what an amazing night.  Josh and I started out just getting something to eat, fast food, and we sat there and talked for an hour.  We headed to a dive bar for a drink and a game of pool, yet we really enjoyed just talking to each other.  We went back to his place, cuddled in a chair together to watch tv.....but really just talked some more.  We then went into his bedroom where we talked until 4 in the morning holding each other.  He definitely made it easy for me to be comfortable, it was like we were already really good friends. He also was not scared by the "H-Bomb" (dreaded herpes) .....And I laid there thinking...."To hell with sex! This is better than sex! We're holding each other!"..... What I needed, he gave me great!  But I was secretly hoping he'd make a move on me. We were both getting tired and rolled over to spoon and that is where our friendship quickly and passionately moved to the next level.  And can I just say.....OOOH....MY.....GOD!!!!


This young man, yes I am now officially a cougar with him 13ys my junior, rang my bell like it has never been rung before.  Anything and everything I ever thought I knew about sex prior to last night was WRONG.  Especially when it comes to my husband.  I have always wondered all these years, what I would be like with another man.....as a grown woman.  If I wasn't with someone who lacked passion, creativity, the art of foreplay and the ability to last more than a few minutes....would I in turn be able to be the lover I believe myself to be?  I thought somehow all these years that I was not very good in bed as my husband would have me believe.  Turns out I am an animal and I heard just as much calls to god from him as he heard from me. 

The second he turned me over from the spoon position to kiss me....I knew I was in trouble.  His kiss was nothing short of amazing and honestly I could do it for hours with him.  But it was just a prelude to the passion fest I was longing for, desiring and searching for, and about to be totally submersed it.  I was so afraid for it to be like what i get at home, knowing that sex, just like the men, is like a box of chocolates.....you never know what your are going to get.  The good news....I bit into the best piece of candy in the box! What followed the kiss was exactly what I needed.  He gave it to me good! He literally blew my mind and my body and fed my soul.  Since it had been a while for him, he did his best to last as long as he could.....which was easily 5 times longer than what I am used to.  Every second of it was filled with surprise and pure ecstasy. When done we talked some more while he promised me it would be even better in the second round.  He was not lying and he rocked my world 10 times harder and longer the second time.  I was definately a freak in the sheets. And every sound that came out of his mouth was passionate, and no matter what he said, it was the way he said it, be it saying my name, fuck, god, oh god, even the way he moans and sighs....it all turned me on that much more.  I was not self conscious about my body because he rocked it like I was a goddess, and I played my body like it was an electric guitar at a Rock Concert!


Afterwards we laid there, so entangled in each other, covered in sweat and cum, with soft kisses here and there on each other until we drifted off to sleep.  Unfortunately my chariot turned to a pumpkin by 7am and I had to go.  I wish I knew then that I could have stayed several more hours before beating my husband home, as I would have loved to lay there in his arms with his warm lips touching my skin every now and then for the rest of the day.  I want it again, and I want it now.  I just have to figure out how to schedule it, what my reasons for not being home will be, and how long I will be able to stay in his arms. 


One thing is for sure.....my marriage is over.  I will not stay with him one second longer than I absolutely have to.  I had no idea sex could be so dam good.  He has chosen to pursue other women repeatedly.  I'm done..

A mans biggest mistake is giving another man the opportunity to make his woman smile.


~S~ 

I'm shocked.....and I'm never shocked!

....continued from last post.....
It is now 5:24 and I was shocked and excited when my phone rang and it was Josh.  I never would have expected when I rolled into the Burger King drive thru last night, that it would end in a date.  It is quite literally the craziest thing I have ever done, or am about to do, but I agreed to forego my original plans with my best friend and her boyfriend and my friend from tagged.com "Bo".....because of the rush I got when my phone rang and I saw that it was Josh.  I don't know why, but I am so intrigued by him.  We are calling it a casual meeting to become friends, but the way he was hitting on me last night.....there sure is a possibility for a hell of a lot more than that.  I am not getting dressed up, I am going in shorts and a tank top, about as casual as one can get.  And I think it will keep the pressure low, and things more on a casual side and maybe I will be able to be less nervous, less self conscious and more talkative than I was with Rich today. I think there is something about the fact that this guy, new in town, who seems outwardly like he's possibly a guy with little offer.....yet does what most of the more 'proper gentleman' can't seem to do....which is make commitment and keep it.  Rich excluded.

If I wasn't convinced before that for me there is a life after divorce.....I sure am now!
Stay tuned and I will let you know how tonight ends.
~S~

The night that never ended.....

....continuation from last post.....
I fell asleep rather quickly at 6:30 and was awoken abruptly at 8:15, by what I don't know...but my phone rang a few minutes later...and my head was pounding as the reality of my hang over was looming over my bed.  I looked at the phone and was quite taken aback that it was Josh.  He was bright and perky and seemed genuinely thrilled i answered the phone....I however just wanted another hour or so of sleep....and asked him for his forgiveness and to call me back in a little while.  He seemed a bit dejected but agreed.  I tried to fall back asleep, but 15 minutes later Rich texted saying he had a crazy idea of taking me to breakfast, despite our date we made for lunch on monday and asked if I was awake and could he call. Since I was unsuccessful in falling back asleep, I agreed and he called.  I was thrilled and surprised when he asked if he could confess something. Of course I said yes, and he professed that he had entered my city in his navigation system and was clueless as to what would have made him so presumptuous, but that he was almost to the destination where he would either turn to go home, or continue straight to come meet me....a near two hour drive.  I asked how close he was, and at that point....he had already missed his exit for home.  I suggested he continue on the route he was on, that breakfast sounded delicious.

We talked all the way to where he lost cell service about 15min away from our rendezvous point.  I quickly cleaned up and headed to meet him.  We got coffee and continued on down the road to the walking trail at the lake, and sat by the rivers edge talking.  On the phone we agreed that we would be friends and see when we met if there was any physical chemistry, if so we would take it from there.  The cool part is he is totally understanding of my situation, the length of time it may take to resolve it, and is patient enough to wait things out.  But first.....a kiss to see just how powerful the chemistry is.  I have to admit, not being drunk, or even a little tipsy, I was quite nervous.  I was at a loss for words most of the time, and until the third kiss....I was not sure of the chemistry.  He however knew it the instant we met.  Where I was totally convinced was when we changed location to a park seat, straddling it facing each other...things got a bit more heated and he sucked a mean nipple....I was hooked and got lost in it for just a second.  I have to admit, physically he is not my type.  But mentally and sensuously....he won me over.  We said our good bye's, I came home to shower to get his smell off me....just in case my husband showed up unexpectedly, and called him to keep him company on his way home.  I must have rattled on for an hour, with all the words i was too shy to speak in his presence, until he needed to got to bed so he could get up in a few hours for work.  He reminded me how bad he wanted me, but that he was a patient man, and would wait as long as it takes.  Were still on for monday for lunch.

During this time, I was worried about Josh though as I had promised to meet him today.  I had no cell service at the river and hoped he had not called me.  Turns out he had not, but since he originally asked me to call him, I decided to be assertive and call him.  He apologized for not calling as he got busy on a project with his dad and was on his way to pick up his nephew to go see the new Avengers movie and said he would call when it was over.  Which at this point 5pm.....should be within the next half hour.

Now originally I had plans with not only my best friend and her boyfriend to go out, but I also made soft plans with another TAGGED.COM friend "Bo" as both plans happen to be in the same city, i thought i might be able to combine them into one mega plan.  At this point though....I have not heard from my best friend despite my text to her last night to call me asap to confirm.  I need to get busy with all this as Bo gets off work any minute and i promised to get in touch with him to confirm.  If I had my choice, strangely I would rather spend my evening with Josh....I'm intrigued....far more than I am with Bo....and i could do without the hang over.  But I will take what ever fun I can get on my last free night to do what ever I want, guilt and worry free.

I'm going to officially say the 'night" finally over......and a new one is hopefully about to begin.  Should I not get a response from anyone....I just may text my new female friend i met at the bar last night....and ask if she is going again.....and meet her there rather than go it 'alone' again.  I could however make one last ditch effort to entice Callen to come out of the house and meet me.
UPDATE......Plans confirmed..... continued in next post....take a peek to see with who!

~S~

A surprise ending

.....Continuation from last post.....
Two weeks ago when I went out, I was hungry to hook up w someone. Like a jungle cat on the prowl for a victim to devour..... I was thoroughly disappointed when I not only left w an empty stomach, but puked my guts up for 8 straight hours afterward. So with two weeks to contemplate what I am and am not ready for, and what I "am" and "am not" capable of doing or handling..... I was much more realistic last night about my purpose.... To just go out and have fun.... Be me... And if anything happened that I liked, I might go with it. As I said yesterday on my way out the door, I went out alone. The TAGGED.COM guy "Callen" I hoped would meet me, could not join me.   So after sitting at my desk naked for two hours... I decided to go alone, entice him one last time once there, and if met with rejection..... Drop the matter for good and just make friends w who ever was there.  But before I left, I hit up a few more local "tagged" friends to see if I could get any one to take the bait.  Of course no one was available on such short notice, though that is causing me to ponder my life long belief that any man would jump at ANY chance for an easy opportunity for sex.

Once at the bar, I walked in, pulled up a bar stool, and made friends w a nice outgoing man sitting to my left.  That kinda made me feel like i was just there with a friend, but in the end he became a perfect cock block and luckily he later left. which gave me a few minutes to enjoy other people at the bar and make more new friends.  One man was there, who tried to hit on my a couple weeks ago, but got cut short when we left early to hit another more lively bar.  He quickly remembered me and took the time to tell me that.  I thought he might try to hit on my again, though not my type would do in a pinch....but the cock block got in the way.  as it turns out, it was for the best....in the end.  i did make friends with a few women there and their male friends and had a blast until the bar closed and i luckily was sober enough to drive home.

This is where i need to back up a step or two, so the rest of my evening makes sense.  Just before i got to the bar, i got a response to one of my 'requests' from a new local friend "Rich" that i had only messaged once before.  "Sorry, it's killing me that I have to work as i would be there in a heart beat, text me (ph#) to keep me company at work and be safe".  So I did and attempted to keep a conversation going in small bits here n there throughout the evening.  Him working grave yard, he requested that I call him when i made it home safe and sound, and i agreed to that.  So I leave the bar, stop at the gas station, a couple texts letting him know i was embarking on my 4min journey home, and headed through the burger king drive through.  And this is where my evening took a very surprising and enjoyable turn for the better.

Much to my surprise there were two guys standing in the drive thru at 2:30 trying to order food w out a car. I waited and one of them walked up to my window and asked if they could get in my car so they could order some food.  Ordinarily I would say "hell to the no" with a request of that nature, but the liquor clouded my judgment, along with his innocent and starved baby face.  They got in, and the other guy got in the back. He instantly was far more assertive and began to come on to me.  I explained I was married, he was undeterred, and I was surprising intrigued by this guy 10ys my junior.  And he was far from my 'type' being a punk/grunge kind of player with tattoo's.  I offered to give them a ride home, during which this guy....Josh....made some incredibly effective passes at me and asked me for my phone number when he got out....and I found myself giving it to him.  At this point, I figured I would honestly never hear from him again, drove off, and texted my friend Rich, to see if he would call me then and there, to keep me awake on my ride home, as it was now 2:40 am.  He said yes, and my phone rang just a few short minutes later, I answered and it was Josh checking quickly to see if I had given him a bogus number.  I pulled the car over to the side of the road, texted Rich that I would call him a bit later that i was on the phone w a friend and continued on my way.  Josh and I had a great talk, we seem like similar creatures....free spirits....he confessed he like older women, and that I was quite sexy and he was intrigued to get to know me better, and he asked if I would hang out with him the next day.....I agreed...and he said he would call me in the morning.

I hung up, called Rich and talked to him the rest of the way home.  Once home, naked in my bed, we had the most amazing conversation.  He was able to able to make me laugh, smile, squirm in my bed, my knees weak and my crotch wet and it lasted until 6:30 in the morning when he confessed he really needed to get some work done and would call me in a few hours when he was off work.  I soon fell asleep, but had my phone perched near my head awaiting what ever fate would bring me next......

...... to be continued in next post

~S~

Dilema....sit alone naked, or go out alone and feel naked?

Isn't it funny, those that have lack of morals, who find it ok to cheat, always find the time to do it, and the people to do it with.  Yet, those that don't have it in their morals, who suddenly decide they want to get 'even', try to play the 'bad girl' or what ever.....are too chicken to make the time.  Waiting for the perfect opportunity to not get caught.....and then all the plans fall thru at the last second......leaving them and their perfect day empty handed.

That's me, tonight.  I had soft plans with a TAGGED.COM friend "Callen", that I figured would fall thru, but was hoping for non the less.  See, this is my perfect weekend.  He's gone all weekend.  I have the house all to myself and little to no chance of getting caught or having to lie about anything .  And tried to plan it as well as i could to have a little fun.  Instead i spent the last two hours online, sitting at my desk naked, trying to get the gumption to go out alone.  I even hit up a new local friend on tagged in hopes he was available....NOT.  So I decided to get dressed and go out anyways.  I'll let you know how it goes......
......to be continued in next post.......
~S~

If i give her any more captain, she'll blow!

Sometimes I feel lonely starved for attention, no messages in my inbox.....and other times it's coming at me so fast I can't keep up.  Talking to 4 or 5 men at one time, via text, IM and tagged.  I'm bouncing back n forth between phone aps faster than greased lightning and I'm still not fast enough.  That is why my phone is affectionately known as "my little black box of love".  There is more attention in that device on any one given day, than my husband has given me in any one given year.  After my escapades this weekend, meeting people in person, I am honestly overwhelmed and need to back off a bit.  I decided to take a break and posted a status of 'be back soon'.  I am not the type of woman that can just spread my resources so thin that I can't breath.  I found an 'in person' guy that I really enjoy hanging out with, and making love to, so I need to scale this online stuff way back.  I felt bad breaking it off with my Sat morning rendezvous man Rich, but Josh makes me fly.  One is enough for me.  So now that I am moving forward with him, I need to focus all my attention and resources in that direction, and save what ever is left for home.

However, I do have a couple favorites that I need to keep on the line.  Don't want to get hasty and lose the best internet sexting I've ever had.  I have no idea where this thing with Josh is going, maybe not far at all. When and if my itty bitty heart gets crushed, I'm gonna need to get a big boost, and my favorites are just the ones to do that.  As for the rest....I'm the one breaking little hearts all over the internet today....trying to let them down gently.  The one favorite that I can actually tell stuff like this to, he told me to tell Josh that he is "one lucky lil fucker"..... Will do sir, will do.....
~S~

~H~ ……The Scarlet letter

I got to experience the pleasure of having the dreaded ‘talk’ for the first time last night.  Confessing the fact that I have herpes.  I didn’t know I had it when I got married 20ys ago, so I haven’t had to confess this before, in a situation where it really mattered.  Well actually I did have the talk three years ago, one time, and it ended the same way. (forgot about that)  It’s just not something I think about, as it isn’t an issue in my marriage, since my husband has it too, so I tend to forget I have it. 

There is nothing like the awkward silence that befalls the phone call, the nano second the word herpes rolls of your tongue.  Things were going pretty good for a possible ‘hook up’, would have been my first one, and then……silence.  I was kind, and removed the hook from his lip and threw him back in the water quickly.  I told him I would make it easy for him and end the conversation there, and after thinking about it, he could call me again, or not….no hard feelings…… lets just say I’m not holding my breath.

And that was THAT.  He did mention we could still play on the phone together, but I think not….. Considering I have limited opportunities and limited time to create them…..and obviously a challenge like this one is permanently in my way, so I see no reason wasting my precious time on someone that will never see it thru….rather see me thru.  There’s plenty of other fish in the sea, and I need to get busy fishing….if I am ever going to do this.

The more I think about it, the more depressed I become.  Why does it feels like a death sentence?

~S~

Men are like a box of chocolates….

You never know what your gonna get.  I have made my self quite a few male friends on the TAGGED site in the last 6 weeks.  They range in personality from so sweet and respectful that you can barely get them to flirt if your buck naked….all the way to the kinky sex freaks who want to have you hanging from a chandelier in a wild orgy.  I have kept an open mind, and even when they talk about things that make me uncomfortable…I just remind myself…..that it’s just words on a piece of paper….it won't kill me to listen.  Sometimes they can get a little pushy or over zealous, and send me pics or videos that shock the heck out of me….that doesn’t bother me nearly as much as when the they get pushy asking for pics of me.  Some guys just give me the creeps, they are dirty old pervs or poon hounds…..fortunately that is what the delete button is for.  Some guys never say a word.  Then there are the good friends. The ones who care and check in on me daily with sincerity.  They listen well, even if they are not heavy on the talking them selves.  Those are my life friends.

And last but not least…the ones who melt my heart or knock my socks off.  In the world of virtual dating, all you have is words or pics, so they need to be good unless your a total skank and will just share your muff with anyone, any time for any reason.  I am not, so the pursuit and the chase, the wooing and tantalizing words are just about the only thing that will get my motor revved up and ready to play with sexting.  If a guy can't express what he would do to me, i just don't get turned on.  Sure compliments are wonderful, but it doesn't get the boat out of the harbor. Luckily I have just such a friend...Owen.  He can drive me wild with desire with a simple few words, and despite my trying to distance myself from him because he literally seems like my soul mate, he can reel me back in, hook line and sinker......every time, with little effort.  I am hopelessly bewitched by him.  He was the first to send me video's of him jacking off due to my driving him wild and the first to cause me to enjoy watching them. He sent me into a state of insatiable sexual appetite, where it was all i thought of day and night.  I was suffering from sleep humping my husband, practically raping him in my sleep....completely unaware of my behavior come morning.  I was a walking live wire 24hrs a day.  but then he started to distance himself a bit, and just as in real life dating, i took that as my cue and walked away.  But like i said, he pulled me back in, time and time again and I want to have him in the flesh, more that I have ever wanted anything in my life.  But I know it can never be as he lives half the country away, and it will never happen.  So I need to find a more local playmate, though I must confess, he has set the bar VERY high.  Good luck boys.....see you soon i hope.
~S~

What's in a name?

Michael, David, Troy, and Bob…..for some reason men with these names keep coming to me.  It’s not to say I don’t have friends with other names, just that the ones who turn out to be somewhat significant….bear one of the above names.  So I got to thinking, as I sometimes do…..maybe I ought to just skip all the other names.  What's the point right?  But then I can’t forget the scattered few with completely original names who blew my socks off.  Names I had never even heard of before, who could do things to me that had never been done to me before.  So I should hardly turn away every Tom, Dick, and Harry that comes my way, because I guess I just never know who might make my toes curl next!

Last night I made a new friend…..another Bob….who seemed innocent at first, and we actually had a fun phone conversation, we're both smart ass’s and we shared our ‘stories’.  Me sneaking out to talk in the car, not wanting to, er-um, wake anyone up.  He is local, not so close to cause fear of running into him at the super market, but close enough for a rendezvous if we should find ourselves in the need.  Eventually we start talking about sex.  Things we like and the sort…..and the next thing I know…..we are pretty much scheduling a meeting…..!!!!!  For this weekend….maybe.  As if I wasn’t already trying to cram my last free weekend with every Mike, Dave and Troy as it is….lets throw a Bob in there too! 

~S~

Tagged.com a scorned womans playground

I have to say, tagged.com has been a good friend to me.  She has lifted me up and given me confidence.  I am never at a loss for men to tell me how beautiful or sexy I am.  'You're Fucking Hot!" is my favorite.  For 20ys I have sat back and let my husband ignore me.  Always having to fish for compliments from him.  But not on tagged.  They come freeflowing and unsolicited.  Especially when the men get a look at my assets.  I got me some bootylicious goodness that apparently hypnotizes the men who have the good fortune to have me send a little video thier way.  One night I put on some lace booty shorts panties, a black tank top and some music, lit a candle in a dark room and shook what the good lord gave me on film.  I have very flexible hips and can grind like a belly dancer.  The video has been well recived by even the pickiest of breast men, who quickly after viewing my video.....become ass men.  I don't share pics or video with very many men, only the ones who really excite me and can write well, who are handsome in my eyes, and lavish me with attention and compliments. After all, the reason I am on tagged is for the confidence boosting attention, so I may as well do what is needed to make the compliments as good as they can be.  I don't however like the poon hounds who are JUST in it to see pics.  I delete those pervs immediately.  I am still a good girl at heart, and appreciate a little faux romance before I let them see the Venus Goddess goodness!

~S~