I think I kinda have myself a boyfriend

When I started this blog, it was to journal the adventures I was having online, while I decided if I was going to leave my husband or not.  And now a short while later, it is clearly going to be about this guy I am seeing.  Why? Well it seems I am a serial monogamist. Sounds weird seeing as I am now married with a "boyfriend". But I just can't bring myself to continue to talk to all these men online, when I'm finding myself wanting to put all my energy into Josh.  I don't even think about these men anymore, and when I get a message from one of them, it feels like an  invasion on my mind.  And replying to them feels like a chore that I don't want to do.  It isn't a conscious decision to ignore them, it's Just that Josh made me forget all about them and I dont have the time or energy to invest in everyone.

I left work early yesterday so I could spend more time with Josh as I told my husband I was going shopping after work, not knowing when I might get to see him again, I wanted as much time with him as possible.  I got there around 3pm.  We talked for over an hour and had some very passionate sex again.  Hot damn he is one good lover.  Then we talked until I left at 8pm.  I came home to find my husband drunker than usual and the legal stuff I was waiting for sitting on the table.  More about that in a minute.  Then Josh and I talked on the phone for 2 hours. So there's another 6 hours of talking.  Blows my mind we have that much to say to each other. Yesterday he kinda referenced me to others as his girlfriend.  And despite us both expressing that we are in no way shape or form anything like anyone we have ever dated before.....that we are growing on each other.

One of my online male friends along with my best friend, warned me not to fall to fast or too hard.  To make sure and keep my emotions out of it.  I think I am doing well with this so far.  But many things in my past that I thought I had under control, has blindsided me later down the road.  I'm sure this will be no different. While I don't feel like I am getting very emotionally attached, I will probably find out otherwise at some point in the future.

So as to that legal matter I was waiting for.  The thing that has loomed over my head for nearly 2 months now.  The thing that was the icon for decision day.  Knowing the out come of this legal matter, would be the intro into my finally making a decision.  Now that it is upon me, I wish I had a bit more time.  My friends keep asking me what I am going to do, and Josh and I talked about it quite a bit yesterday.  I have 4 options.
1. Give him yet another chance to change and stop cheating.  Become a lover and not just a roommate.
2. Tell him I want an open marriage.  Which I have already mentioned to him as an option.
3. Kick his sorry ass to the curb, and begin divorce proceedings.
4. Continue on this course, lying and cheating myself, and make a decision later.

Regardless, no matter what which option other than giving him another chance I choose, I need to get all my ducks in a row before I talk with  him, so that if he chooses something different, things are ready for an immediate split.  I don't know why I feel so bad putting him out on the street, even if it is temporary.  Which I guess could be option #5, a trial separation. Many couples break up and get back together like they live in a revolving door.  I have never even tried that.  But I know I have to have my finances in order before I do anything of the sort.  I need to know I can pay for everything on my own, if he chooses not to anti up child support on his own without a court order.  So I guess sitting down and making a split budget would be my first order of business.

I really hate that D day has arrived and now the ugliness and nastiness is about to begin.  At least I have Josh for now, and plan on seeing him again on thursday, and also am going to plan next weekend 'visiting an out of town friend".  One day, One sorted affair at a time.

~S~