A sinking in the pit of my stomach

My ex, who has been hounding me since the moment after he spent his first night alone, is on to a new tactic.  At first he tried the panic driven begging and pleading, tears of sorrow.  Then he moved on to fear tactics of basically the creepy stalker.  From there it was a seamless transition to hateful punishment for not acknowledging his request.  And now he has graduated to being selfless, regretful and understanding.  Don't get me wrong, had he tried this strategy while we were still together, it would be endearing. However, I feel it is just another tactic to get himself out of the pain of the situation he has found himself in.  Not out of true empathy for the pain he caused me all those years.  Not out of honest remorse.  Is he sorry?  Yes, for himself.  I see the words in his text, but they are empty to me. 

There is this song that Johnny Lang sings, "Breaking Me".  I remember when I caught him cheating the first time, I got drunk, dang near to the point of alcohol poisoning, and listened to that song over and over for a couple hours or so, crying.  Wishing he loved me that much.  Wishing it wasn't me that was "breaking".  Somewhere in the back of my mind, as it was swimming in that alcohol, I hoped he would see my pain, come running in and profess his love for me, to say how sorry he was for hurting me this bad.  But he didn't.  He barely came in and helped me get a giant stock pot from the cabinet to puke in.  He left me there in front of the fire heaving my guts out.  I have always wished that someone, obviously my husband would have been a nice someone, would love me and express to me the ache for me in thier heart...they way Johnny does in that song.

Interestingly enough.....my husband is in far more pain that expressed in that song.  He expresses it to me several times a week.  And I don't feel the slightest amount of pity or pride.  Odd how sometimes the things we think we want, when we get them....it is not nearly as enjoyable as we imagined.  It also makes me think how I must have looked, on my knees, begging HIM not to leave ME.  It's relatively pathetic for sure.

So here I am, staring at yet another text message, not knowing what to say to him.  Not knowing if it will give him false hope.  He says he can't go one without hope.  But I just don't feel right giving it to him, because in my heart of hearts, I know he can't meet my needs.  The most basic of needs.....trust....I just can't live my life always wondering if I am being lied to......ever again.  Yet I have this gut wrenching sinking feeling in my stomach, that I will cave and take him back, despite my better judgement.  Lord I hope I can stay strong.
~S~