Dating in the Dark: Man #8

I don’t know why or how exactly, but the universe has brought me this man for a reason.  I don’t know if he is to be the love of my life, or the lesson of a lifetime.  I am feeling things I have never felt before, a feeling of safety and openness.  I’m terrified, yet somehow not afraid.  He can see right into me and can see thru all my bullshit.  He can see where I try to redirect him away from my feelings.  No one else can do that.  No one knows how I feel unless I want them to know.  But he can.  He knew I was hiding something.  He knew there was a road block holding me back, causing me to self sabotage.  Causing me to run away before I had to face some dark demon.  We talked for hours before I myself discovered it, before I myself put two and two together. Cliff hanger here, as I will get to this demon in a minute.

He is completely content to be able to wait to meet me in person.  He believes I am the one he has been searching for, and that there is no need to rush fate. I however, fear that when we meet in person that there will be no chemistry or god forbid he doesn’t look like his pics or has horrible breath or god only knows one of my lame little reasons for not connecting with someone.  I have such fickle taste…..but….. Is it due to this demon or should I give up on Online dating sites because I’m too fickle in person once we meet?  Who knows, but I think the demon might have something to do with it, on a very deep-seated subconscious level.  I’m thinking, that it is easier to find some superficial fault in a man, because he is not perfect; to avoid the pain of confessing this demon, than to have someone bail on me.  I guess I feel that the guy must be REALLY worth it, really perfect, to risk that kind of rejection.  Now, I have never had to confess this to anyone, even myself.  Like I said, my feelings are in the vault and I don’t give ANYone the combination.  But this man has picked the lock.  He kept trying to figure out what it was I was afraid of, helping me to figure it out and thus, when I figured it out, I felt compelled to just tell him. 

The perfect moment was upon me, I started to cry, he was patient and kind as I struggled to find the words.  Struggled for the courage to spit it out.  I whispered thru the tears….“I understand if you never want to talk to me again after I say this”  he reassured me tenderly “just tell me, I can handle it” …lots of attempted starts n stops and then I blurted “I have herpes” with the drama befitting a 16^th century play…and with that I felt as though I had thrown myself on the dagger.  Hurled myself into the sea without a life jacket.  Put the barrel in my mouth and pulled the trigger.  As I floundered, writhing in the absolute conviction of my impending doom, he touched me (figuratively) and relieved my self inflicted misery….”Oh Honey, so do I”……batting my eyelashes thru my tears ”what?….you do?”

I swear, the clouds parted, trumpets played, and angels started singing.  The biggest weight in the world had been lifted off my shoulders. And the serenity that washed over me was surreal.  This damn little incurable disease, had caused me to believe for 20ys that no one else on the planet would want me after my husband, no good man anyways, and that is one of the main reasons I stayed with him for 20ys.  My sole purpose for dating right now was to heal myself.  To learn and grow thru the experiences, good and bad, of each man I encounter.  Be it online, or in person.  The second this weight was lifted, I felt so light, like was literally floating above my bed.  He knew it, I didn’t have to speak this aloud, though he listened intently when I did.  So, after some deliberation in my head.  I have decided to wait to meet him.  To trust myself to freefall and still be OK, no matter what happens.

It reminds me of that reality dating show on tv. “dating in the dark”, where they put singles together in pitch blackness, and after a while of talking…or what ever else they end up doing, they each get to see the other from behind a one way mirror….then…they have a  predetermined meeting time on the balcony.  If both show up, great, they go from there.  But I often thought how sad, that some couples seemed to really like each other (in the dark that is), but one of them gets stood up on the balcony in the end.  While an awesome social experiment and interesting to watch, I often wondered what the results might be, if these couples who got along….got to do it for more than a half hour.  What if they dated in the dark for say two weeks.  An hour or so each day.  Possibly even wear ski masks and go outside on real dates, so this attraction to the mind is allowed to grow.  Would the results be different?  But here "I" am, picture in hand, voice in ear….we get along, I think he is cute…..and yet I am afraid to come out of the dark, into the light, see him for who he really is, and discover if I will meet him on the balcony.

For now all I know, is that I am waiting to meet him.  I’m going to follow his lead rather than try to control this thing.  Experience him, and what HE has to offer ME.  If what I have been doing all these years hasn’t worked, why the hell am I so afraid to let go, freefall, and try a different way?

So here I am world, Jumping and trusting I can fly.

~S~