The good...he was better looking in person and was really sweet. My birthday is in a couple weeks, he took me out to a nice dinner, gave me a cute birthday card and we had good conversation. Then we went to a dive bar and played pool. We are both relatively newly single after 20 yr marriages.
The bad......I just was not attracted to him in a romantic way. Friends...yes....Lovers....um....NO. I know he was to me, which I suspected before I ever got there based on our messages. And it was confirmed moments after getting to the bar.
The Ugly.........Now here's the kicker, and quite honestly I was shocked at what I discovered as I tried to be there as an observer of the experience. To really be outside myself and pay attention to things I said, things he said...Look for smaller signs of attraction to him as I already knew he wasn't exactly my type. I was trying Marie Forleo's idea of tossing out my predetermined check list of my 'perfect' man that I'm attracted to. Problem is...I think I got too far away from that list. Waaaay too far. Being that 'online' you can't see personality, I kind of really agree with giving someone a chance on not letting photo's totally discqualify a guy, but only to an extent. Last night confirmed it though...I'm just gonna have to trust my gut from now on. But as we were sitting at dinner, I did see little sparkles in him that I thought, maybe....just maybe there could be an attraction....If....IF...all the stars lined up and his personality and actions were played right....(this would be where you hear that sound of a record needle being lifted abruptly from a spinning album...the vinyl ones that is....."eeert"...I believe it goes)
I got to see a not so pretty side of his personality when our food was delivered....and it just kept leaking out as the night went on. They brought him the wrong cut of meat. He inquired, nothing wrong with that, even on a first date I wouldn't expect someone to eat something they didn't exactly order....BUT....it was the way he went about it. The waitress offered immediately to rectify it and he declined. So from that point on, I say "suck it up, you could have had what you wanted" Then the waitress got busy and forgot my water...no big..I wasn't complaining....But he did. He started to get this negative vibe about him as far as the service goes. It was a red flag, so my eyes and ears were open from that point on to discover more of them. Basically he feels it's his duty to point out to people their wrong doing. As if he takes things a little too personally. He told a little story about holding the door open for a woman once (probably many times) and how he told her how rude she was that she didn't say thank you, and another story about a first meeting from online....and telling a woman that she was much bigger than her pics...in fact...I believe he used the words "you're a BIG woman" then proceeded to tell her how she SHOULD have written her profile. And other little snippets like that kept coming up. It wreaks of my EX-husbands behavior. To be critical and voice this criticism when ever anyone doesn't act or behave as he expected them to, and be compelled to tell others of their wrong doing, as if they them selves are the social police. I am not a critical person, and I do not choose to spend my time around someone who is. Unlike my husband though, he was outgoing and genuinely nice to the staff. But I think if we had been better acquainted, he would have voiced his displeasure to them instead of me, just like a few of the stories he shared. It was just a big turn off. But since I am embracing Marie's ideas, I just decided to enjoy him for him, as a friend and let the experience unfold as it may. After all, he wasn't treating ME that way. However, that was strike #1.
Then we go to the bar. He had broken the touch barrier in the car, touching my hand a time or two, so two seconds after I sat on the bar stool, he put his hand on my upper back, snuggled up close and rubbed my back.....they way a boyfriend or husband does in a relationship. Now mind you I gave no positive physical or conversational response to this. Yet it continued....I guess no response equals "please do this more". Something I need to remember for future unwanted physical touch....I need to actually object in some form if I don't want it to continue. We played darts, and he was making little touches here and there, even though they he was not getting positive feedback, I was not reciprocating, he brought me a drink and moved in for a kiss on the lips. Again, a sweet peck like a boyfriend would do in a committed relationship. It was just too much, no matter what a man looks like. For god sakes this is my very first, first date....real date anyways. Not my meet ups at a bar. Let's not skip the passion and move straight to married like bahavior. Strike #2.
At this point my third drink was taking hold, I was not drunk, but I definitely had a good and sturdy buzz going on. I forgot to turn the notifications on my phone to my POF account off and I started getting alerts buzzing on my phone, which was facing up on the table at the time. I don't know if this had anything to do with what happened shortly there after as he picked up my phone and said, "wow, you get alerts on your phone?". Inside I'm thinking "holy crap" but I was kinda trying to repel him a little anyways by this time, so not too many worries. I bummed a couple cigarettes (quitting not going great at this point) no effect on his attraction level...though he did try to gently discourage me. Anyways, I think the realization that he had himself quite a bit of competition, set him in a mode that he probably didn't intend to go into. As I am definitely outside of his league, the degree to which I am not a good judge of, but I know I am out of it for sure. So he got started on a rant about his ex wife, which his tone got quite heated. I think in a weird way, he thought this would impress me, in a convincing kind of way....like trying to convince me he is a good mate. Like telling her that a hundred other woman would be thrilled to have a guy like him. That he's attentive, hard working, affectionate, romantic etc and how she couldn't see that, but other women do. Then he even stammered this "ya I might be an asshole once in a while, but....yada yada yada". Luckily it was getting late and I used that as an excuse to get the hell out of there. He took me back to my car. Still nice to me. And looking for a good night kiss, I panicked a bit, and started to give a fore warning of my rejection. I just don't have the heart to look at a nice guy and say. "thanks for a great evening, but don't call me again, I just don't think we're a match"....instead I said something like "just so you know, I'm not sure what I'm doing, not looking for anything serious, I listen to my inner gut feelings, not my head...etc" On a social level, I know these were not..."come over and plant a big wet one on me, I can't wait to rip your clothes off". But he said he'd like to see me again and in my reply I said "ya, ok, i might like to do that". it dragged on too long, and he was able to get two more pecks in on my lips....despite me turning away and aiming for the cheek. I have to find a way to let him down, in the clearness of the morning light...I know I'm definitely not attracted to him, and not even sure he's worth a "friends" status. There's just too many fish in the sea, to waste my time on a catfish.
So to all you "nice guys"...there's some good tips in there for ya, as to what NOT to do. ;) As I was yearning for a bad boy before the night was over. Someone to make me really sparkle and light my fire inside.
~S~
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