Guy Friend

Last night was rough for me. I cried a lot yesterday.  I know this is what I want, what I need, and what’s good for me.  But damn I’m kinda sad.  I talked with Josh for an hour or so last night.  We miss each others friendship for sure.  He was the only one who could make me laugh yesterday.  I needed it. 

While I will forever be grateful for the gift he gave me….boy am I glad we are not a couple!  He has to be the trampiest man whore I have ever met!  We will be great friends though and that is perfect.  Now that the Venus retrograde is over, my emotions are flooding out of me.  All the things that laid dormant in me the last 6 weeks are surfacing at an alarming pace.  I couldn’t sleep last night and all I could think about was sex….SEX SEX SEX…. Even sex with Josh!  And with all the events that took place during the retrograde, I am more convinced than ever that I knew Josh in a past life and Venus’ little trip thru Gemini brought him to me.  While I will never trust another man again in my life, not fully, Josh did just as the stars destined him to do.  He healed my broken heart.  My heart no longer aches and cries out from the pain of the infidelity.  Not that I’m not hurt by it any more, just that it is not an all consuming pain that I must suffer and survive on a daily basis, and it gave me the strength to stand up for myself and to be treated fairly.  To say out loud that this life is not good enough for me and to be brave enough to go for a life that is.  I will never doubt the stars again…and soon enough Josh and I will be partying hard!  He has basically warned me that he will protect me like no other, and that he will not let an unworthy man near me.  Just what I need when I am lonely horny and desperate for sex……a tiger of a cock block!

~S~

Splitsville official.....

I got home last night, sat down to talk and we ended up deciding on divorce. I am not sure if yesterday was the last day of the retrograde, or the first day of no longer being in retrograde.....Either way, it comes as no shock to me that this happened on this day, be it the first or last day. Both would be pivotal in my opinion.  I am more convinced than ever that the planets and stars influence our daily lives.  For the good and the bad.  All the things that were revealed during the retrograde, are now coming to fruition.  All the wishy washy is over, my marriage is over, my house to be left behind in the wake of destruction and nothing but new beginnings from here on out.  I am scared as hell and quite honestly, I think I just might throw up.  But it was mutual, he brought it up in fact, that he knows he cannot change and that I don't deserve to have to live that way.  It was a calm and mature conversation, no bitterness or anger....just a moving forward with the separation.  No blame game, no pettiness in dividing our stuff, no ugliness.  Now we just need to figure out how to purge ourselves of our damage.  The house, the debt, the stuff.....finding places to live and the money to move into them.  Fingers crossed that we both come out on top on the other side.
~S~

Venus to awaken

 I am hoping after yesterday, the last day of this Venus retrograde period, as Sleepy Venus awakens from her 6 week nap, that I will be afforded having ‘myself’ back.  I have been in a funk like no other.  Although it has certainly been good for me in many ways.  I have stood up for myself, demanded to be treated like a wife, lover, mother and friend should be treated.  Not that I am getting it, but I am getting the possibility of it….and the strength to walk away if I don’t.  I know there will be some retrograde ‘jet lag’ so to speak during this 3rd phase thru the end of July.  But I am hoping that I will feel like I did in the ‘pre’ retrograde period….LOVING and SENSUAL.  I miss the wonderfulness of it.  I miss the way I felt when I was so sexually charged I couldn’t sit still.  Venus has been taking a nap for 6 long weeks, and left me nothing short of empty handed.  But as I look at the upcoming astrological predictions, I can't help but wonder if all this was meant to repair my marriage or end it.  If I leave, if I walk away from my husband, family and home….it will not be easy to get it all back.  But if I stay and fight the good fight just a little longer….walking out will still only be just one footstep away.

I was thinking what I will do, is wait on this one little cottage that I hope will come available (it’s being renovated) and if I get the call that it is ready and available, then I will evaluate things at home then and leave if warranted.  At this time, I still have no guarantee that the bank will work with us in the end anyways, nor that my husband is capable of change…or sustaining that change if he does…

And I know….deep in my heart…the only way it could ever work with us again, will be if there is some serious self denial on my part.  I will have to completely ignore my pain and mistrust…again…as if they never happened in order to just go forward.  That to me doesn’t seem right.  As usual, it would be putting HIS need of me letting it go so he stands a chance…..before MY need to have him really understand what he has done to me, and REALLY be remorseful for it.  Both of which he has never truly done........ERRRT!!!!!!!  (the sound of screeching tires)  Whoa Nellie!

I started this post yesterday, and the above is what I had written...of course that is before I got home and 'enjoyed' the rest of my evening.  As with anything, I can make all the plans and decisions I want till i am blue in the face....but the truth of the matter is that I am not in 100% control of this and my husband can chose to do/not do as he pleases.  Here I thought he REALLY meant it, REALLY was going to 'try'......pfft....RIGHT!  So last night it appeared he has all but given hopelessly up....after only 2 days effort.  Seems loving me is just too damn hard.  I thought he was capable of more than two days effort.  But as it happens to be, he is not.  So now, I am pressing him harder to let me know if he is 'done'.  Because if so, there are actions that need to be taken with the house, so we don't become homeless prematurely.  Crap...I hate it when the wrench gets tossed in there!

I did have the fortunate experience of reconnecting with Josh after a brief hiatus.  As 'friends' only of course.  I have nailed him down to help me move when the time comes.  HIm AND his strong friends. :) It was nice talking to my friend again.
~S~

Before you can see the light….

.....You have to deal with the darkness.

That was the gem in my fortune cookie today!
How interesting to get that, this last day of Venus Retrograde. The last day of darkness for Venus, before I am enlighted by the discoveries made during her nap.

I am more confused than ever….well…more like ‘torn’.  I had the ‘talk’ with my husband a couple days ago.  I told him that I don’t have all the answers, none really.  Told him that I don’t know what I want exactly, or how he can go about ‘fixing’ this to try to save our marriage and home.  That part of me really does want to be single and experience life out there.  To go on the ultimate journey to see if a man exists that can love me with out hurting me.  To be able to do what ever I want, when ever I want, without guilt or ridicule. Also that part of me loves being a ‘family’ and I really don’t want to end it.  But that the one thing I do know for sure, is that we ARE getting legally separated…..NOW.  He said he wants to be ‘that man’, knows he CAN be ‘that man’, and is willing to do ANY thing to become ‘that man’.  Problem is, he has at times in the past, he has done the things I need/want, such as quit drinking…only to start up again down the road.  Even while we were talking, he became frustrated, understandably, at my ‘mixed signals’.  Personally I don’t think they were mixed, other than in MY head.  I was very clear that “I just don’t know” and there are “No guarantees”.  I told him, if you are going to give up before even trying, than what is the point of ‘trying’?  Let’s just end it here and now.  His attitude changed immediately.  But…

I know in my mind this cannot work with my husband.  My mind knows that even if he became the ‘perfect’ partner, even if he could overcome and beat alcoholism, even if we could become partners and figure out our financial issues….Even if he no longer was a narcissistic asshole……I still will not trust him.  No matter what, I will never trust him again.  He still will not admit to the affair from last year despite my having proof. (proof that he refuses to look at)

But then the ‘mind games’ come in to torment my heart.  You see, I am an idealist, trapped in a realist’s body, wearing an optimistic cloak.  Realistically I know that I will most likely never trust ANY man….so what difference is it that I stay with ‘this’ man.  (IF things changed)  If I leave, and never find a man I can ‘trust’….isn’t that just trading one dick for another?  Trading one set of ‘problems’ for another?  So why tear apart a family when the abuser says he is sorry and wants to change?  What kind of ‘bitch’ am I? 

So here I am….confused….torn….My mind and heart battling to the death…..and don’t know what to do.  Call it what you will, maybe I am just being weak….maybe it is smart….maybe it is compassion…I don’t know.  I don’t know anything right now.  I have little to no faith in any area of thought. And it doesn’t help to have people in my life who are less than supportive of the marriage ending.  People who are suppose to be on my side.  This includes my therapist friend who can’t stop being a therapist long enough to be my friend.  My disabled mother who lives with us, who stands to be evicted as well, and can only think about herself…not how her daughter is about to be a single mother like she was and that her grandson is about to lose living with his father.  My father and step mother, who seem to think my biggest problem is that I got a couple tattoo’s that I couldn’t afford (example of our loose financial habits)…..NOT that my husband, the man who vowed to love me forever, has taken my heart and shredded it into pieces…for two decades.

I guess I will take my best friends advice.  She told me a few weeks ago, that I have too many decisions on my plate…causing me to make NONE at all.  That I need to make a list of all the things I need to make a decision about, then prioritize them, then act on them one by one….saving my marriage for last.  She even sat with me and wrote it for me so she knew I did it.  That really made it easier for me to start taking action…one by one….starting with letting Josh go….working my way up to the legal filing of our separation papers….which are almost done being filled out and should be filed next Monday.  I have an apartment potentially on reserve, the house payment money for one more month, give him a few more weeks and see how it all goes.  ONE step at a time.

~S~

Narcissistically Me

It was suggested to me that my husband is a narcissist, and most likely suffers from Narcissistic Personality disorder. So I looked it up.  I thought I knew what it meant, and although I was pretty close, it is of course far more involved than what I suspected.  As I read, it not only became clear to me that YES he indeed does suffer from NPD, but that I may be a narcissist as well, quite possibly my son too.  The good news is that characteristics of narcissism are, to a great exten,t a normal part of self development.  It is when we don’t grow out of it as we mature, or it becomes excessive that we have an issue.  So my concern for my son was quickly alleviated, but as for myself, not so much. 

I found a test to take online to determine if I was a narcissist….and especially excessively so…..and all I can say is….”Whew” No I'm not…but it then appeared that I might have a superiority complex …..oh lord.  So off to google again to find a test for THAT.  Good news….seems I suffer from an inferiority complex instead and may use superiority techniques to disguise it. 

Hmmm…I wonder how much being molested as a child, raised by a poor single mother with borderline personality disorder, a non-existent narcissistic father, alcoholic step parents, raped as a teen, and living 19ys with an alcoholic narcissistic husband….have anything to do with that??

So the more I thought about it, the more I decided…..to some extent and in varying degrees….we ALL have some kind of personality disorder or neurosis…it’s the ones who’s disorders inflict pain on others that are the problem….and that group would include my husband.  And I would venture to say, any one involved with a compulsive cheater, such as I am, is most likely involved with a narcissist.  Because it takes a whole lot of lack of empathy to repeatedly betray the one you supposedly love. 

~S~

For those that want to 'test' yourself or your cheating partner....

Here is the test.

Till death do us part

I, (my cheating ass husband), take you, (the dipshit that believed this BS), to be my lawfully wedded wife. To have and to hold, for better or for worse, for richer and for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part. 

That’s right, that’s what he said.  Does he know, does anyone know, the meaning of the word ‘vow’ anymore?  That it is a solemn PROMISE.  I think too many people, my husband included, have detached the meaning from the word. 

But lets not blame ignorance to the English language just yet.....Maybe it is the ‘vows’ themselves that are outdated or misunderstood.  Obviously, rich/poor, sick/healthy and love are self explanatory…but I will touch on those later.  Let's first look at….this “to have and to hold” crap??  What exactly did I promise to ‘have’ and to ‘hold’?  This almost makes it sound like we are property….maybe this one is WAY too outdated.  Yikes! 

For “better or worse” ?? These are really just a bit too vague to me.  Of course we will always prefer someone at their 'Better'......but.....Worse?…hmmm…Are we really promising to stay married to someone who takes the ‘worse’ to the extreme....to still cherish them at the absolute WORST?  Drugs, robbery, murder?  Well... maybe for some people, ok, but not for the majority of us.  I think few would turn some one away for being too 'Rich'......But what about 'Poorer'?  If they choose to become a free spirit and never work again, are we really promising to support someone forever who decides to just be a couch potato, making no significant contribution to the marriage or the world at large?  Then there is sickness, I know this is a touchy subject, but what if the sickness is Schizophrenia with paranoid delusions and our lives become in danger?  Or they are permanently brain dead?  I think most of us would admit, that they would not knowingly marry a crazy person, so why should we stay with them if they become one or lied about being one?  And on that note....

What if they lied to us about who they were to get us to marry them?  We promised these things to a person that we 'thought' we knew....not the person who they turn out to be.  Had I known my husband was an angry alcoholic...I certainly would not have said yes in the first place.  Had I known that he had no idea how to support me emotionally, mentally and spiritually.....I would never have made those promises to him...

My husband did not keep his "promise" to stay faithful when I was down and out after my accident.  No cherishing me, no compassion and understanding when I needed it most.  He did not help me or take care of me or even care that I was in pain.  Instead, he felt sorry for himself that he was not getting the attention he felt he deserved and selfishly sought it from a low life whore...several in fact.

While one might think the above time honored traditional vows are the best promises to make, I think there are certainly a few missing or at least not spelled out in the 'terms' we really want to.  Next time, if these are not included in vows made to me, I will not say yes.....:

I will keep my dick in my pants.  I won’t tell lies so I can flirt with and screw other woman.  I will not have an affair.  I will not play mind games with you to make you think you are crazy, just so I can have MY way.


I will not dump ALL the responsibilites on you, and then blame you when things go wrong.


I will support you and stand by you in times of need and not leave you hanging to figure everything out on your own.


I will not do things to make your life harder and add to your burdons.


There are obviously plenty more to add to this list, but I just wanted to say the basic ones I felt could be added....

These will be my vows at my next wedding, should I ever get married again, because lets face it...I prefer to just be brutally honest from this point forward....I think we all deserve no less...and IF you are going to promise something to someone....I think it should be something that you realistically can foresee and uphold....so here it is....

I, Goddess Supreme, promise to love you, King of my world, under the following conditions until the day you fuck up.  I will love you while you are healthy, self sufficient, debt free, and able to produce multiple orgasms. I will give you my heart and soul, so long as you give me yours.  I will not cheat on you in ANY way.  I will be your friend, lover, and soul mate for as long as you are mine.  I make you this one and only solemn vow.....I WILL: gouge your eyes out with an ice pick if you look at other women, poison your food if you talk to them, and melt your cock off with a blow torch if you fuck one.  At that point….we will definitely be parted by death….YOURS. 

Yes we are suppose to honor our promises and keep them, but are we really suppose to take this promise thing to the extremes or continue to honor them when our better half does not? 

I think not.

~S~

Venus goes retrograde in Gemini....Libra's beware...Follow my retrograde journey

Venus goes retrograde in Gemini ~ May 15 2012.
Just so happens I am a Libra, my ruling planet is Venus, and it's all about love and beauty.  I was never THAT into horoscopes until this past couple of months, even though I am completely into birth signs.  Recently, on this one website I found, tarot.com, the daily horoscopes I had been reading were so accurate, it was becoming a little eerie.  A couple of weeks ago, when I read that Venus was going retrograde for 6 weeks and it was not going to be good for me, I still brushed it off a bit.  Then last week, I noticed I have not been myself, not even close.  I have no loving feelings what so ever, not even toward my son.  I figured it was due to the fact that in order to be strong and stand up for myself, I maybe went a bit too far the other direction, or maybe it was because I got my monthly, or maybe the incident with Josh.  But then the feelings stuck around and I couldn't shake it.  I am a Libra thru and thru, and love is what we do best, so when our primary emotion is gone, it feels deffening and confusing, not to mention if you summon new emotions due to circumstances beyond your control, such as anger or conviction, it can be that much more frightening. So when I couldn't shake these icky feelings, I decided I'd better check and see if this retrograde thingy had anything at all to do with it.  I did a little google search and SHAZAM....the answer to my waffling moods staring me blankly in the face.

As it turns out, "Our libra souls mature by integrating Venus ruled lessons in our daily life. Some days we dance gracefully, exuding her charm and harmony, but then there are times when her gifts seem beyond our grasp. Her balance eludes us and we stumble, recoil, and retreat from being that beautiful swan right back into the proverbial ugly duckling. When Venus turns retrograde..... The love consciousness and all matters that are Venus-ruled are not easily expressed outward. We internalize our feelings and cannot easily convey what we want to the world. We question our very worthiness."   Yes....this is exactly how I am feeling.  But as I read on, I started to freak out....and not by a little bit....Oh NO.....by a near massive heart attack level. 

I found another more technical site that explained every itty bitty move of the Venus retrograde path, looking at the dates and things. So join me in checking these few things out....well it's more than a 'few' things.....but that is almost my point.

click here for a great blog post that describes Venus retrograde in very easy to understand terms

OVERVIEW: Venus in retrograde motion is supposed to mean that our love lives enter a fated period where we may relive past life experiences in order to sort out karmic issues. Old friends or lovers may reappear and there may be more difficulty in giving and receiving love and affection.....This suggests that our love lives really will go through a period of reliving past love life experiences. The South Node also indicates that some of our more negative habits or attitudes about love and relationships will be brought to light, and that the more troubling aspects of our relationships will be highlighted......For sure, it can also mean that we run into old friends and lovers again, from this life and past lives. Any new relationships formed during the next few months will likely be past life connections, we will get that feeling of having known them before. The aim of all this is to resolve painful karmic memories. This is because the other very tight aspect is Venus square Chiron, we are being forced to face our inner pain in relation to love, the pain of being dumped or humiliated by infidelity, or the karmic pain cause by doing this to others......

.....Seriously??  This alone was enough to knock me off my seat and cause me to believe that every 'gut feeling' and 'intuition' I have had the last few weeks, was real and not some fairy tale fantasy.  My only lingering question......knowing I have been tortured for countless years with the pain and humiliation of my husbands infidelity......wondering.....Is this a karmic punishment because "I" cheated badly in a past life??  I have always felt my whole life, like I was being punished for something.  And since I have done nothing in THIS lifetime to warrant punishment.....I always believed it must be from something I did in a past life.  However....I also believe that since it is our soul that passes from one body to another, shifting from one lifetime to another....what ever our innate being is in this lifetime.....must be what it has been in past lifetimes.....so a loving, gentle but painfully tortured soul is what I belive has endured for me from one life to the next.  And that maybe, just maybe, this is the lifetime when it will all be healed and come to rest......

But of course there is more supporting evidence....read on....

Venus Enters The Retrograde Zone (pre retrograde phase)

Venus is still travelling at her normal pace when she enters the retrograde zone on 11 April 2012. The aspects and fixed star will give us an indication of the overall vibe for the whole retrograde cycle. It does have a very karmic feel which fits nicely with the traditional concept of retrograde planets......This supports the theme of exposing broken hearts,....Venus square Chiron means we are forced, through events and through relationships, to face the pain of the past. By doing so, the difficult work of healing the pain can begin, this is the nature of Chiron, wounding to heal.

Mercury sextile Venus on May 3 and 4 is a great opportunity to express our feelings of love. Communication should be open and compassionate. However, with Venus on the fixed star Bellatrix in constellation Orion, being too friendly with others if already attached could lead to that Chiron pain. Venus with Bellatrix gives “Much suffering through love affairs owing to unrestrained feelings“. Mercury sextile Venus could lead to those unrestrained feeling of love

This is about where I freaked out and completely lost my mind.....as there were some things and gut feelings with dates and the three men in my life, that was 100% validated in what I read out of all of this.  It is long, and scientifically technical, so I am only quoting the parts that matter, not the names of all the stars Venus will pass by, and how each of those stars have been, and will be, influencing my life.  I find it no coincidence the dates involved with these stars and the events in my life.  It basically says, I will meet new people (Owen then Josh), they will be from a past life, they are going to cause me to re-live  and face the past pain from infidelity, they will help me heal from that pain (which both of them have done just that, but in very different ways)....finally.....it says there will be much suffering thru love affairs….Also no coincidence that for the first time in my life, I was unfaithful.  Granted it was with my husband’s permission and urging, BUT he didn’t want to know anything about it…..so I had to lie and sneak around. (of which might I add, that all but 1 person I know is VERY disapproving of my actions…..However…If you never walked a mile in my shoes, please do not judge me.)

  Owen was the first angel sent to me, though only online, never in the flesh, he pulled me out of a deep chasm of despair, and made me feel things I never felt before. I felt a cosmic connection with him right from the start.  I couldn’t explain it, though we did talk about it occasionally. Through him I re-learned my sensuality, and everyone around me benefitted from this…..including my husband.   I walked around with a glow and a smile that my friends said they hadn’t seen in DECADES…..My marriage was going better than it ever had in 19ys……and how did my husband repay me???   by kissing a family friend at an Easter function with me in the other room!!!  That was just days before the pre retrograde started….and April 11^th, the first day of the pre-retro….is the day that I told my husband I wasn’t going to make any decision regarding that kiss until our legal stuff came in the mail, despite him demanding for me to make a decision.  It was the first day in 19ys that I took some sort of stand in my marriage and stopped begging him to love me.  I think it is no accident by fate that the only important date mentioned in the “pre” phase, is the day I met Josh...May 4th.  Josh and I also had a cosmic connection instantly.  It was like we had known each other all our lives.  He gave me gifts in the flesh that Owen could only give me on paper. 

Josh was there just in time, to give me the strength 4 days later to be strong…….when that legal stuff came in the mail on May 8^th, and I told my husband, I now wanted time to think about what I wanted, either to try to work it out, or divorce.  Just so happens that I laid it all out on the line to my husband on May 15^th.....the first day of the retrograde.  Coincidence??  I think NOT!!!  I firmly believe that Josh is a karmic connection from my past lives (and maybe Owen too).  He healed my pain, gave me courage and helped me to get off my knees and stand on my own two feet.  Granted he has hurt me since, but I will NEVER forget what he gave me.  Read below and see if you can see how Josh was a gift from the heavens, probably a past life lover, and was sent to me to help me heal.....which he did so well.


May-15 to June 27  Venus stations Retrograde (actual retrograde phase)

....The theme of pain again comes up, as Venus with Alnilam gives “Trouble through love affairs, scandal, enemies among women“. But the Chiron theme means the outcome is healing. And we see this with the aspect in this chart, Venus trine Saturn. It’s not exciting or glamorous, but serious and sober. Saturn is our teacher, so we are learning about love and affection.  The trine to Saturn suggests progress in this next phase of the retrograde cycle, through to the direct station on June 27. More understanding, more commitment. Commitment to long term relationships seems very important here, that is the message from this aspect, and the fixed stars have been pointing to the pain resulting from infidelity.....The work on the pain and the hurt is not over, we can see this in the chart with Mars opposite Chiron.
Some difficult issues to deal with, confronting and involving some arguments or resentment. The path does lead to healing and transformation through open communication........
.....Currently...I am in the process of giving my husband a 'second chance' after telling him on may 15th I wanted to seperate and HIM for the first time begging ME for another chance.  I gave him 3weeks, until June 8th, to show me just how much he loves me.  To make some serious changes.  He said he would "do anything."...I just don't think he has a firm grasp on what 'anything' means.  So obviously 'commitment to long term relationships' is in the air, and the air is so thick, you couldn't cut it with a chain saw....LOL.  I am thinking, that maybe due to this retrograde thingy, I may just be extending his 'second chance' thru to June 27th.  But I don't know....I will see how I feel on June 8th (end of the 3wk trial)....Talk with him and see how he feels too. 


On May 27 Venus conjuncts Bellatrix for the second time, so we may revisit any of those painful issues again regarding affairs or love triangles from the past. It may also be that an old flame appears on the scene again.....May27: Sure enough, on this day, my brother in law brings it up out of the blue, (I was unaware he knew about the easter event) and tells me how the the whole family (in-laws) knows about it as well.  I asked him what my mother in-law thought, and he said that she gives me a lot of credit for still being with him as she would have kicked my husband (her son) out.  That is kind of reassuring, since I really figured she would blame me and make me out to be some evil monster.  That somehow it would be MY fault that her son cheats on me again and again.

1st of June Gemini really puts the focus on communication in relationships. We will be able to fully express our affections with loving words. Interactions should be frank and open, and with a square from Mars approaching, there could be some heated moments.
This is the day I posted my craigslist ad, and 'comunitcated' with a few new people.  My husband wasn't home and we didn't talk too much.

June 5 is a very special day with Sun conjunct Venus. Not just any old conjunction, this one is a rare transit of Venus, where Venus is seen as a black dot passing in front of the Sun. This is the last transit of Venus for over 100 years, Venus is retrograde, it comes just after the June 4 lunar eclipse, and is mentioned in the Cherokee Rattlesnake Prophecy. Sun conjunct Venus is the personification of love and beauty, love is definitely in the air today, more than at any other time. Meeting friends, spending time with lovers, and chatting up potential lovers are all favored.
Well I did spend alot of time making new 'friends' today!  As for the husband....NOT....what an ass hole!

On June 6 we do get Venus square Mars, feelings should be intense, with a mixture of love and hate, sexual passion and desire. There may be some conflict, but Venus on the fixed star Rigel is more supportive of love rather than hate, Venus on this star gives a “good and influential marriage especially if female“.
Love/Hate...you got that right!  I had to put my foot up his ass today for the crap games he was playing with me last night.  God I can't wait for this to be over!  He did seem receptive of my complaint, and strangely agreed to 'watch his actions'.  Well there you go, we're 1% on our way to happiness....and it caried over into the next day.  Love/hate

June 8th.  the last day of his 3 week time frame to show me how much he loves me.  Instead of doing that, he admitted that he had done nothing to make things better over the last 3 weeks, then proceeded to start a fight so HE could tell ME....that HE was done with ME....rather than it being the other way around.  We didn't talk for a few days as he left with my son for a camping trip, but i had to put leaving him on hold again, as there was a pressing legal issue that had to be dealt with with the house.....right then and there....another stay of execution for him. 

June 16, “favorable for marriage“.
Nothing happened today as he was at work, and my son and I were gone all day for a family function and the next day was fathers day.  I guess it was favorable for him for marriage, because he got a stay of execution due to me not wanting to be a total bitch and end it on fathers day weekend....not before or after.

 Overview of: June 18 to July 8. This is very fortunate and suggests major breakthroughs in those relationship issues which have been causing problems. It also means that finding a new lover is more likely, and that they will be stimulating, exotic or unusual, or that the relationships will be unusual in some way or really fun but not so enduring, more of a fling. The first exact sextile is on June 21.

June 19 -- You may be highly motivated to let go of desires that have little chance of being fulfilled as the flighty Gemini New Moon stimulates your 9th House of Big Ideas. You have reached a point where you are ready to make changes in order to add excitement to your life and you have little patience for those who might stand in your way. Don't sweat the small stuff today; concentrate on your long-term goals rather than the details of the day.

June 24  So this adjustment in relationships and how we love comes at a time of major and dramatic changes. It means the big transformations are now so much more personal, and it's very positively suggesting enlightenment, given that Venus ties into this via the sextile to Uranus. It helps us deal with great change in a compassionate and universally loving way.
This is the day that I again, sat down with my husband and we talked about 'us'.  It was a long talk, and I was compassionate, and I told him I didn't know the answers...didn't know what I wanted, didn't know what would and wouldn't work......but that the one thing I 'did' know, is that we are getting legally seperated.  He told me he wants to be 'that man', the CAN be 'that man', that he will do what ever it takes to BE.....'that man'....because he didn't want to lose me.  Yada Yada.....I'm still confused as to what to do.

June 27  So we could say the pain at confronting the negative aspects of our relationships, and our own weaknesses in how we love has now peaked. This final phase is about adjusting to a new dynamic in relationships, the give and take, and then settling at a new power sharing arrangement. Venus is love, Pluto is transformation, the quincunx is an aspect of karmic readjustment. Our relationships and how we love each other and ourselves is evolving.
So last night, after two whole days of 'trying'...it seems he has already given up.  It is just too hard for him.  I stuck to my guns, either things change or it's over.  He has until July 1st to show me change or instead of making the house payment, I am asking the bank to do a short sale.  If he has made significant changes, then I will give him one month and see how I feel about it.  As for the above prediction....yes this confrontation of relationships has peaked, there is adjustment needed to our significantly new dynamics, plenty of give n take needed....and there is definately a new 'power' arrangement.  Our relationship IS evolving, but we still have to answer the question....will it be together or apart.  Question of the day for sure.  No matter what, he is hyper aware of the gravity of the situation.  Which is good, as he seemed oblivious to it for the last 6 weeks.
UPDATE: So I got home after writing this, and low n behold, we ended up deciding on divorce. I am not sure if today is the last of the retrograde, or the first day of no longer being in retrograde.....Either way, it comes as no shock to me that this happened on this day. All the things that were revealed during the retrograde, are now coming to fruition.  All the wishy washy is over, my marriage is over, my house to be left behind in the wake of destructin and nothing but new beginnings.

June 28-July 31 Leaving Retrograde Zone (Post retrograde phase)

July 2 to 16-Venus again opens up the communication channels in our relationships. We had this aspect back in early May before Venus had turned retrograde. Now, in the final direct phase, it gives a much longer than usual time for affectionate sharing of thoughts, and for the resolving of the tension which has been ongoing for some time now. This will likely climax around July 5 an aspect pattern which uncovers secrets, in this case through creative inspiration or flashes of insight. There is the possibility of unexpected news, new information which leads to higher awareness and breakthroughs.

July 9 & 22nd are favorable and influential days for marriage

July 27th "Much suffering through love affairs owing to unrestrained feelings" 

The journey ends on July 31 2012 -  ”Trouble through love affairs, scandal, enemies among women“. This has been the major theme running through all this story. It started with confronting the karmic pain, the deep wound in the soul memory of being abandoned, betrayed or rejected. Just like the retrograde station, Venus is trine Saturn meaning the end result is maturity and wisdom from having dealt seriously with the issues and any guilt or shame is lifted.This false friends of own sex makes sense when the main theme has been the other woman or the other man, triangular relationships. This will be important again in the November 2012 Lunar Eclipse

July14-Aug 7 2012 Mercury Retrograde in Leo
Predicting this is not the time to move forward agressively with something 'new'.  Rather sit back and let things unfold as they may.  Click here for more info on Mercury retrograde


As this retrograde period continues, I will post updates here on this post, on the dates listed above, and tell you if anything interesting or out of the ordinary happens, as they predicted, and how it matches up with the prediction.

~Chasing Rainbows~

Here I am, Chasing rainbows.  What seems to be so clear right before me, disappears as fast as I can see a clear path.  Clouds hide it’s beauty, and hills get in the way.  Twists and turns confuse me and the faster I run to it, the farther away it becomes.    For a fleeting moment, I feel as though I can reach out and touch it.  So illuminating the light of the vibrant colors, yet transparent enough to know it isn’t real.  But it IS real, just because you can't touch it, doesn't mean it isn't there. Tears from heaven reveal it, and the sun rays light it up.  I blink and it is gone.  Now lost between two shores, not knowing how I got here or how to get back.  What ever shall I chase now?

That rainbow is true happiness.  I sit around waiting for it to reveal itself to me, so that I can chase after it with gusto.  Freedom and joy should not be so elusive should they?  I used to think it could be manufactured in my marriage, but I now know it cannot.  It only lies in being single.  I have no feelings left for him.  No matter how hard I try.  We made love last night.  For him, it was a passionate attempt.  But I felt nothing. No spark, no fireworks, no tingles....NOTHING.  I am tired of being the one to be responsible for the relationship, for the marriage, for the kid, for the house, for the finances.  I am tired of being the 'failure' when I know it is not just me.  He is the one incapable of change.  He is the one who could never even try to chase a rainbow, IF he was visionary enough to see it in the first place.

~S~

~Trouble~

Like a cosmic force in the universe, two giant magnets, we are drawn together.  No matter how hard we resist, we cannot fight the draw.  We struggle and we dance in the night sky, around each other like commets on fire.  We collide with one another, again and again, but never to touch each other.  The balance of push and pull is too strong for us to control.  As the ocean crashes against the rocks, churning and exploding.  We try to fight it, we know it is wrong, but we just can't.  We are weak to our own temptations.  And oh, the temptations! The mind and the spirit fight for the desires that nature knows is right and the responsibilities thrust upon us to early in life.  A racing mind that only trouble can calm.  A spirit that only trouble can tame.  A flight that only trouble can ride. How can I resist this harmony and peace I desire that only trouble can give me.  I search for you, and you run.  You chase me and I hide.  Finally we meet again, one sweet kiss, then 10 passionate ones.  One kiss so sensual and I cannot leave you, but I k now I must go.  I hate you for finding me, as no one will ever compare to the way you make me feel. But I love you, trouble,  for the way you make me feel,  Alive and Free.  I must go though.  Back to the night sky, to fly with the stars until the cosmos draws me to you again.
~S~

The need to connect

"The first transatlantic telegraph cable was made of 340,500 miles of copper and iron wire, designed to stretch 2,876.95 miles along the ocean floor.  Once the cable was in place, you could use electrical impulses and signal code to send any message you wanted to the other side of the world.  Human beings are hard wired with the impulse to share our ideas and the desire to know you’ve been heard…… it’s all part of our need for community.  That’s why were constantly sending out signals and signs, and why we look for them from other people.  We’re always waiting for messages, hoping for connection,  and if we haven’t received a message, that doesn’t always mean it hasn’t been sent to us….sometimes it means we haven’t listened hard enough.

In spite of all our communication technology, no invention is as effective as the sound of the human voice.  When we hear the human voice, we instinctively want to listen,  in the hopes of understanding it….. even when the speaker is searching for the right words to say.  Even when all we hear is yelling, or crying, or singing.  That’s because the human voice resonates differently from anything else in the world.  That’s why we can hear a singers voice over the sound of a full orchestra.  We will always hear that singer, no matter what else surrounds it." Touched

I was listening to the news the other day, as background noise, and heard that facebook of all things is not doing well.  That people are actually BORED with it, and as such, stocks are falling....or something like that.  I didn't pay close attention because, let's face it, I couldn't really give a shit.  But, it occured to me that our need to connect with others has gone from taking years to cross a sea to make the first connection, to never having to really make another connection again.  Our insatiable appitite for satisfying ourselves right now, and the ability for sites like facebook and Tagged to feed that need in a nano second.....sharing the most mundane of daily 'experiences' with each other....has caused us to have burned out.  We are not REALLY connecting that way....and we have now opted out of house calls, voice calls, and shockingly email calls.....in exchange for texting and just posting our lives, never having to truly 'converse' ....we just read what is going on in our dearest loved ones lives....give it a thumbs up "Like"...and move on.  And what's really sad, if you google in the images section, the word 'touch'....99.9% of the results are technology based images. 

That is what I loved about bar hopping this  last weekend.  People were every where...in cars and taxi's....on bikes and walking.  There were 5-6 bars in a 9 square block area....intermingled with residential homes and frat houses.  Between the hours of 11pm and 2am, there was never a time when there wasn't people....REAL people on the street....interacting, talking, touching, laughing and living life.  When people talked, no one gave a thumbs up and shouted "Like"...they listened and laughed with them, and TALKED with them.  As people passed each other on the street, they smiled and said hello.  I made new friends and we talked for hours while dancing a little and sharing pics and things.

Of course at this stage in my marriage/divorce, I cannot be going out all the time....in fact barely at all....so my desire to connect is strong.  I take any form of connection I can...and at this point it is tagged.com.  I have male friends all over the country of every relationship status known to relationships.  I have reconnected with my friends that I ignored due to hanging out with Josh....and have accepted a fairly large group of new friends recently.  A few that I would love to meet in person, and a few that I would love to be cruel and just delete.  And, as always, my favorite...Owen.  Man would I love to meet him in person and tear him UP!  We have the BEST connection, even though it is digital.  And maybe, just maybe, someday we can connect in real life.
~S~

~Set me Free~

How does one learn to set themselves free?

And say to yourself, it’s ok to be me?

To unlock the shackles and untie the rope?

Somehow turn misery back into hope?

No longer invisible to someone else’s eye

To be seen by them all like the sun in the sky.

Free to burn bright, burn hot and burn long,

To sing off key & out loud to my very own song.

I’ll dance and strut and shake it all out,

Be a soft place to fall and an ear for a shout.

And when someone, anyone, catches my eye,

I won’t look away, and I will not deny

That every being has a soul to hi-jack

So I’ll steal it, caress it, and then give it back

I’ll taste it and live it and love it out loud

At the end of the day my heart will be proud

I have loved all that I can, and given my best

And when I’m weary and tired I won’t let it rest

Try everything once, with a friend if I can

And no longer hate any fellow man

Once in a while be vulnerable and try not to hide

Behind my strong, brave and resilient side

Hand someone my heart and trust I’ll be ok

Especially if things do not go my way.

I’ll laugh really loud and wrinkle my nose

And tell them it’s Lilies I love, not the Rose

Nothing wrong with saying what I want,

And nothing wrong with knowing what to flaunt.

Talk with my eyes, and for once have nothing to say

Just long slow kisses, that take someone’s breath away

So how did I manage to set my self free?

I looked in the mirror and said “It’s ok to be me!”

~S~

"I love you"

Isn't it funny just how many emotions and promises are attached to those 3 little words, be they real or percieved.  Probably more than any other 3 word combination in any human language.  We say it and write it in many forms.... "Love you", "luv you", "luv u" "love ya" "luv ya" and we even use litte emoticons and graphics with little hearts.....but the one that I think is the most personal, that conveys the most, is the one with the little "I" in front of it.  It is what separates casual love from deep meaningful love. What all do those three little words imply?  And does it mean the same to the person saying it, as it does to the one hearing it?  Most likely not. 

Some things it can convey.....

"You can trust me" and "I trust you"
"I'm not going anywhere" and "please don't leave me"
"I get you" and "I love that you get me"
"I will never hurt you" and "Please don't hurt me"
"I think your wonderful" and it feels great to know "You think I am wonderful"
"Thank you for all that you do for me" and "I will do all that I humanly can for you"

The list goes on and on.....but is there just as much really conveyed in the reply "I love you"?  We say it so automatically in response to someone saying it first, that I think it means very little more than a simple
"thank you".....as in 'thank you for telling me that YOU love ME...because I know if I don't say it back....it will hurt your feelings"

Often I think we say it, just to get the return 'I love you' to validate our feelings or needs.  So sometimes "I love you" really only means....."Do YOU love ME?"  Which is an oxy moron considering the reply could only mean "thank you for saying that" so it really validates nothing and if that is what you are seeking, you will always question if the reply was sincere.

And then when things are bad, like they are for me and my husband right now, when I say "I love you" that is ALL it means.  It does NOT mean...

"I forgive you"
"I'm not leaving"
"I accept your weak attempt to change"
"I love the way you treat me"

Right now when I say it....it very simply means

"Yes I love you, but I love me more"
"Please don't hurt yourself"
"I do care about you"

What would the world be like, if we actually said the things we really feel and asked the questions we really wanted to ask, rather than cheapen the meaning of the trilogy by using it to infer so much else that we just cannot say.

~S~