Before you can see the light….

.....You have to deal with the darkness.

That was the gem in my fortune cookie today!
How interesting to get that, this last day of Venus Retrograde. The last day of darkness for Venus, before I am enlighted by the discoveries made during her nap.

I am more confused than ever….well…more like ‘torn’.  I had the ‘talk’ with my husband a couple days ago.  I told him that I don’t have all the answers, none really.  Told him that I don’t know what I want exactly, or how he can go about ‘fixing’ this to try to save our marriage and home.  That part of me really does want to be single and experience life out there.  To go on the ultimate journey to see if a man exists that can love me with out hurting me.  To be able to do what ever I want, when ever I want, without guilt or ridicule. Also that part of me loves being a ‘family’ and I really don’t want to end it.  But that the one thing I do know for sure, is that we ARE getting legally separated…..NOW.  He said he wants to be ‘that man’, knows he CAN be ‘that man’, and is willing to do ANY thing to become ‘that man’.  Problem is, he has at times in the past, he has done the things I need/want, such as quit drinking…only to start up again down the road.  Even while we were talking, he became frustrated, understandably, at my ‘mixed signals’.  Personally I don’t think they were mixed, other than in MY head.  I was very clear that “I just don’t know” and there are “No guarantees”.  I told him, if you are going to give up before even trying, than what is the point of ‘trying’?  Let’s just end it here and now.  His attitude changed immediately.  But…

I know in my mind this cannot work with my husband.  My mind knows that even if he became the ‘perfect’ partner, even if he could overcome and beat alcoholism, even if we could become partners and figure out our financial issues….Even if he no longer was a narcissistic asshole……I still will not trust him.  No matter what, I will never trust him again.  He still will not admit to the affair from last year despite my having proof. (proof that he refuses to look at)

But then the ‘mind games’ come in to torment my heart.  You see, I am an idealist, trapped in a realist’s body, wearing an optimistic cloak.  Realistically I know that I will most likely never trust ANY man….so what difference is it that I stay with ‘this’ man.  (IF things changed)  If I leave, and never find a man I can ‘trust’….isn’t that just trading one dick for another?  Trading one set of ‘problems’ for another?  So why tear apart a family when the abuser says he is sorry and wants to change?  What kind of ‘bitch’ am I? 

So here I am….confused….torn….My mind and heart battling to the death…..and don’t know what to do.  Call it what you will, maybe I am just being weak….maybe it is smart….maybe it is compassion…I don’t know.  I don’t know anything right now.  I have little to no faith in any area of thought. And it doesn’t help to have people in my life who are less than supportive of the marriage ending.  People who are suppose to be on my side.  This includes my therapist friend who can’t stop being a therapist long enough to be my friend.  My disabled mother who lives with us, who stands to be evicted as well, and can only think about herself…not how her daughter is about to be a single mother like she was and that her grandson is about to lose living with his father.  My father and step mother, who seem to think my biggest problem is that I got a couple tattoo’s that I couldn’t afford (example of our loose financial habits)…..NOT that my husband, the man who vowed to love me forever, has taken my heart and shredded it into pieces…for two decades.

I guess I will take my best friends advice.  She told me a few weeks ago, that I have too many decisions on my plate…causing me to make NONE at all.  That I need to make a list of all the things I need to make a decision about, then prioritize them, then act on them one by one….saving my marriage for last.  She even sat with me and wrote it for me so she knew I did it.  That really made it easier for me to start taking action…one by one….starting with letting Josh go….working my way up to the legal filing of our separation papers….which are almost done being filled out and should be filed next Monday.  I have an apartment potentially on reserve, the house payment money for one more month, give him a few more weeks and see how it all goes.  ONE step at a time.

~S~