Clinging to snap shots

"There are 31,530000 seconds in a year.  1000 milliseconds in a second.  1 million micro seconds. A billion nano seconds.  And the one "constant", connecting nano seconds to years, is change.  The universe, from atom to galaxy, is in a perpetual state of flux.  But we humans don't like change. It scares us. So we create the illusion of stasis. We want to believe in the world at rest, the world of right now. Yet our great paradox remains the same. The moment we grasp the "now".....that 'now' is gone.  We cling to snap shots, but life is moving pictures, each nano second different than the last. Time forces us to grow and to doubt, because every time we blink our eyes, the world shifts beneath our feet.  Every day,  every moment, every nano second, the world changes.  Electrons bump into each other and react, people collide, and alter each others paths.  Change isn't easy. More often than not, it's wretched and difficult.  But maybe that's a good thing, because it's change that makes us strong, keeps us resilient, and teaches us to evolve."... Touched

I have been clinging to a very few happy snap shots of a 20ys horrible marriage.  Looking back thru the photo album of our life, there are really few truly happy moments.  And most of them were due to external things, not relationship bliss.  Oddly, some of our happiest moments together are from the last few months, yet here we are, in relationship hell again.  He doesn't seem to grasp just how serious I am about leaving.  He asked, rather begged, for another chance...pleading he would do 'anything' to make me happy.  Yet as the first two weeks of this 3 week trial have passed us by, his efforts have been modest, and came to a screeching halt when met with the teeniest of resistance.  I know in his heart he loves me.  That is not in question.  What is in question is the manner in which he has chosen to NOT show it over the years.  He was raised in a home where affection was non existent, even to small children and infants.  But should this be a crutch, a cop out, or MY responsibility to teach him?  I have tried in many ways to show him over the years, and I am at the point that if he can't figure it out, it's just not my problem any more, it is his.  I want out of life what I want, and that is just that. We are not the 20 somethings of our youth when we got married.  I am not a naive little girl any more.  I know I am not innocent in the failings of our marriage, but I have done my part, above and beyond to repair any of my undoings.  He however has no conviction to do the same.  I took near full responsibility for the first affair (stupid...I know) due to circumstances beyond both our control.  Again I completely over looked the second affair, and said nothing to him of my knowlege of it.  I just pulled up my knickers (rather down) and did what I needed to do, to put our relationship back on track....granted it was still no fairy tale fantasy.  I have endured his alcoholism, his tyrades, his perpetual flirting, practically living alone as he spends all his time in the garage.....and "I" have evolved.  He has not.  The world around us changes every moment and I am changing too.  I can finally define what it is I desire and I know it exists out in the open world around me.  I know it is not existing in my home.  He has mistaken this to think that I am some totally new woman, but I really am not.  My desires are things that I have always desired.....but my vision was foggy.  I can clearly see now, that which I have always needed but been too afraid to truly ask for it.  Thinking I didn't desreve it.  Now I know I do.

That last kiss of his with the family friend..."the kiss of death" as I call it.....I asked him why he let it happen.  His reply was...."I couldn't believe a woman like that wanted a man like me".......WTF??

He should.....SHOULD..... feel that way about me.  For god sakes....she isn't THAT fabulous.  I however AM. 

~S~