A sinking in the pit of my stomach

My ex, who has been hounding me since the moment after he spent his first night alone, is on to a new tactic.  At first he tried the panic driven begging and pleading, tears of sorrow.  Then he moved on to fear tactics of basically the creepy stalker.  From there it was a seamless transition to hateful punishment for not acknowledging his request.  And now he has graduated to being selfless, regretful and understanding.  Don't get me wrong, had he tried this strategy while we were still together, it would be endearing. However, I feel it is just another tactic to get himself out of the pain of the situation he has found himself in.  Not out of true empathy for the pain he caused me all those years.  Not out of honest remorse.  Is he sorry?  Yes, for himself.  I see the words in his text, but they are empty to me. 

There is this song that Johnny Lang sings, "Breaking Me".  I remember when I caught him cheating the first time, I got drunk, dang near to the point of alcohol poisoning, and listened to that song over and over for a couple hours or so, crying.  Wishing he loved me that much.  Wishing it wasn't me that was "breaking".  Somewhere in the back of my mind, as it was swimming in that alcohol, I hoped he would see my pain, come running in and profess his love for me, to say how sorry he was for hurting me this bad.  But he didn't.  He barely came in and helped me get a giant stock pot from the cabinet to puke in.  He left me there in front of the fire heaving my guts out.  I have always wished that someone, obviously my husband would have been a nice someone, would love me and express to me the ache for me in thier heart...they way Johnny does in that song.

Interestingly enough.....my husband is in far more pain that expressed in that song.  He expresses it to me several times a week.  And I don't feel the slightest amount of pity or pride.  Odd how sometimes the things we think we want, when we get them....it is not nearly as enjoyable as we imagined.  It also makes me think how I must have looked, on my knees, begging HIM not to leave ME.  It's relatively pathetic for sure.

So here I am, staring at yet another text message, not knowing what to say to him.  Not knowing if it will give him false hope.  He says he can't go one without hope.  But I just don't feel right giving it to him, because in my heart of hearts, I know he can't meet my needs.  The most basic of needs.....trust....I just can't live my life always wondering if I am being lied to......ever again.  Yet I have this gut wrenching sinking feeling in my stomach, that I will cave and take him back, despite my better judgement.  Lord I hope I can stay strong.
~S~

What I am learning from Christian Carter

OMG....I know my marriage and it's failure is a 50/50 stock in it's demise, and I know that the kiss of death was the final affair he had.  Had he not done that, we would still be together today as I was a sorry excuse of a pile of goo not worthy to consume so much air.  IE: no back bone.  A couple of my friends were/are decidedly insistent that I get counseling, because there is no way....NO WAY....someone could go thru what I went thru for two decades and not need professional help.  And my whorish behavior was not helping my cause to deny a need for such help.  How ever, I haven't yet slept with a single man, so....I'm just saying....

Anyways, I decided that I did need some help...with DATING.  I have been locked up for so long that I just knew I was going to spaz out on some men and scare them away at best.  No way for a lady to get laid, that's for sure!  I have been on Christian Carter's email list for a while now and have been intrigued to say the least.  But poor as well. He is the dating guru to the girls.  The 'inside the mind of a man' guy.  The 'catch him and keep him' guy.  ...The "don't be a spaz "Shelly" guy. I knew I needed his help as I was leaning this direction.  Leaning in the direction of trying to force my life into the direction that I wanted it to go.  I'm a great catch and I know it....but how do I get guys to know it if I can't get them to ask me out?  What am I doing wrong?  I'm a very attractive woman(sexy, hot, beautiful are the words said to me), according to men, but not attractive enough to be seen in public with.  Hmmm.  I knew this just could not be true.  I messaged quite a good number of men and not a one of them replied, no matter HOW or WHAT I said in that message. 

So, I did the only thing I could do...I scouted out used copies of Christian's program.  I have gotten them all except one....and let me say...OMG... am I going to have fun DATING.  Honestly, I am not ready for a relationship....a knew it before...but it is for sure now.  My husband did a number on me for 2 decades, and I fell pray to all the common women's response to his bull shit.  Maybe if I had these programs back in the day, I could have averted many of our pitfalls, but I doubt it.  He was an alcoholic, and we were doomed to a marriage of mediocrity from the get go.  However, I never want to live that way again, so not only do I want to be able to spot an unhealthy man quickly, I want to know how to ATTRACT the right man, and know how not to push him away once I do find him.  I don't want to fall for a man, I want to fall in love because I CHOSE the right man. I know his programs are going to help me do just that.  And why do I know this?

Because I am learning how to control myself, learning to heal myself, learning that my husbands problems of infidelity and alcohol issues were NOT my fault.  I'm learning how a guy might perceive my behavior, not me girlfriend's.  I personally think these tapes will be far better for me than counseling ever would have been.  I love some of the 'experts' he has interviewed as well Such as Marie Forleo and Lauren Francis. I can't wait to get thier stuff too, along with many other guest speakers he has shared in his programs.

The best part about them, is that I am getting instant results too.  I happen to be very introspective and study from programs like this all the time, so I am quick to understand, conceptualize and put into practice.  While I will eventually go back and do each program with pen in hand.  At the moment I am just listening to each CD as fast as I can, to get thru them ALL, so I could figure out how to chill and stop forcing my life.  I have all this pent up sexual energy that is literally bursting out of me.  I can only unleash it on the guys at the gay bar for so long before I will explode!  The partying is almost out of my system, and my gay guy friends really help me cut loose and let it all out.  I'm going to have to contact Christian and thank him as soon as I get more of myself figured out.  I've been listening to non stop Cd's in the car on my commute, and my inner spirit has already undergone a major overhaul that the whole world around me is commenting on.  Thanks Christian....you ROCK!  You have saved a whole lot of men from my uncontrollable sexual tension.

I will be blogging soon about Marie and Lauren as they have helped me immensely as well.

Peace n Love
~S~

Click here for more info on Christian Carter and his amazing products.

Unfortunate series of events

I can't believe I have been single for a week and half now.  It feels like months.  I hit the ground running and had my first date on my first night that I was single.  It was good.  Lots of good conversation, seduction and touching.  WE fooled around and I lost my cool.  I was powerless to his kisses and found my pants around my ankles in no time.  But this is where it turns bad......He had an impetance problem.  I felt bad but I had to get out of there.  For god sakes i just left a 20ys relationship where I wasn't satisfied due to limpness issues, and I am not going to start out with another one.  I've discovered that sex IS important to me.  An important way I would like to express my feelings and an important way to recieve someone elses expression.  It went from being about two people enjoying an experience together to being about a man and his problem.  For god sakes, I'm not Dr. Ruth!  I bailed.  I was soooo disapointed.  Left there just as sexually frustrated as I showed up.  But...I learned alot about what I want, and how I want to present myself.

As for my husband, he lost his fool head and after only a day and a half, started to beg me to come home.  Pleading with me, confessing deep love and regret, and promising to be able to change if he could just come back home.  This was basically a nightmare for me for 3 days.  He did manage to attend AA meetings all week, and also is doing a great bit of work in the Dr Phil Relationship Rescue book.  He admitted to his affair last year with a woman from work, and admitted to being the one to contact the first whore again, not her contacting him.  However, these are just small gestures in the grand scheme of things.  There is no way of knowing if there is a long lasting effect, and I refuse to take him back.  I asked him to back off, give me space, and told him that I don't know what the future holds, but at this point there is only a very teeny chance that somewhere in the future we can talk about US.

Splitsville official.....

I got home last night, sat down to talk and we ended up deciding on divorce. I am not sure if yesterday was the last day of the retrograde, or the first day of no longer being in retrograde.....Either way, it comes as no shock to me that this happened on this day, be it the first or last day. Both would be pivotal in my opinion.  I am more convinced than ever that the planets and stars influence our daily lives.  For the good and the bad.  All the things that were revealed during the retrograde, are now coming to fruition.  All the wishy washy is over, my marriage is over, my house to be left behind in the wake of destruction and nothing but new beginnings from here on out.  I am scared as hell and quite honestly, I think I just might throw up.  But it was mutual, he brought it up in fact, that he knows he cannot change and that I don't deserve to have to live that way.  It was a calm and mature conversation, no bitterness or anger....just a moving forward with the separation.  No blame game, no pettiness in dividing our stuff, no ugliness.  Now we just need to figure out how to purge ourselves of our damage.  The house, the debt, the stuff.....finding places to live and the money to move into them.  Fingers crossed that we both come out on top on the other side.
~S~

Venus to awaken

 I am hoping after yesterday, the last day of this Venus retrograde period, as Sleepy Venus awakens from her 6 week nap, that I will be afforded having ‘myself’ back.  I have been in a funk like no other.  Although it has certainly been good for me in many ways.  I have stood up for myself, demanded to be treated like a wife, lover, mother and friend should be treated.  Not that I am getting it, but I am getting the possibility of it….and the strength to walk away if I don’t.  I know there will be some retrograde ‘jet lag’ so to speak during this 3rd phase thru the end of July.  But I am hoping that I will feel like I did in the ‘pre’ retrograde period….LOVING and SENSUAL.  I miss the wonderfulness of it.  I miss the way I felt when I was so sexually charged I couldn’t sit still.  Venus has been taking a nap for 6 long weeks, and left me nothing short of empty handed.  But as I look at the upcoming astrological predictions, I can't help but wonder if all this was meant to repair my marriage or end it.  If I leave, if I walk away from my husband, family and home….it will not be easy to get it all back.  But if I stay and fight the good fight just a little longer….walking out will still only be just one footstep away.

I was thinking what I will do, is wait on this one little cottage that I hope will come available (it’s being renovated) and if I get the call that it is ready and available, then I will evaluate things at home then and leave if warranted.  At this time, I still have no guarantee that the bank will work with us in the end anyways, nor that my husband is capable of change…or sustaining that change if he does…

And I know….deep in my heart…the only way it could ever work with us again, will be if there is some serious self denial on my part.  I will have to completely ignore my pain and mistrust…again…as if they never happened in order to just go forward.  That to me doesn’t seem right.  As usual, it would be putting HIS need of me letting it go so he stands a chance…..before MY need to have him really understand what he has done to me, and REALLY be remorseful for it.  Both of which he has never truly done........ERRRT!!!!!!!  (the sound of screeching tires)  Whoa Nellie!

I started this post yesterday, and the above is what I had written...of course that is before I got home and 'enjoyed' the rest of my evening.  As with anything, I can make all the plans and decisions I want till i am blue in the face....but the truth of the matter is that I am not in 100% control of this and my husband can chose to do/not do as he pleases.  Here I thought he REALLY meant it, REALLY was going to 'try'......pfft....RIGHT!  So last night it appeared he has all but given hopelessly up....after only 2 days effort.  Seems loving me is just too damn hard.  I thought he was capable of more than two days effort.  But as it happens to be, he is not.  So now, I am pressing him harder to let me know if he is 'done'.  Because if so, there are actions that need to be taken with the house, so we don't become homeless prematurely.  Crap...I hate it when the wrench gets tossed in there!

I did have the fortunate experience of reconnecting with Josh after a brief hiatus.  As 'friends' only of course.  I have nailed him down to help me move when the time comes.  HIm AND his strong friends. :) It was nice talking to my friend again.
~S~

Till death do us part

I, (my cheating ass husband), take you, (the dipshit that believed this BS), to be my lawfully wedded wife. To have and to hold, for better or for worse, for richer and for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part. 

That’s right, that’s what he said.  Does he know, does anyone know, the meaning of the word ‘vow’ anymore?  That it is a solemn PROMISE.  I think too many people, my husband included, have detached the meaning from the word. 

But lets not blame ignorance to the English language just yet.....Maybe it is the ‘vows’ themselves that are outdated or misunderstood.  Obviously, rich/poor, sick/healthy and love are self explanatory…but I will touch on those later.  Let's first look at….this “to have and to hold” crap??  What exactly did I promise to ‘have’ and to ‘hold’?  This almost makes it sound like we are property….maybe this one is WAY too outdated.  Yikes! 

For “better or worse” ?? These are really just a bit too vague to me.  Of course we will always prefer someone at their 'Better'......but.....Worse?…hmmm…Are we really promising to stay married to someone who takes the ‘worse’ to the extreme....to still cherish them at the absolute WORST?  Drugs, robbery, murder?  Well... maybe for some people, ok, but not for the majority of us.  I think few would turn some one away for being too 'Rich'......But what about 'Poorer'?  If they choose to become a free spirit and never work again, are we really promising to support someone forever who decides to just be a couch potato, making no significant contribution to the marriage or the world at large?  Then there is sickness, I know this is a touchy subject, but what if the sickness is Schizophrenia with paranoid delusions and our lives become in danger?  Or they are permanently brain dead?  I think most of us would admit, that they would not knowingly marry a crazy person, so why should we stay with them if they become one or lied about being one?  And on that note....

What if they lied to us about who they were to get us to marry them?  We promised these things to a person that we 'thought' we knew....not the person who they turn out to be.  Had I known my husband was an angry alcoholic...I certainly would not have said yes in the first place.  Had I known that he had no idea how to support me emotionally, mentally and spiritually.....I would never have made those promises to him...

My husband did not keep his "promise" to stay faithful when I was down and out after my accident.  No cherishing me, no compassion and understanding when I needed it most.  He did not help me or take care of me or even care that I was in pain.  Instead, he felt sorry for himself that he was not getting the attention he felt he deserved and selfishly sought it from a low life whore...several in fact.

While one might think the above time honored traditional vows are the best promises to make, I think there are certainly a few missing or at least not spelled out in the 'terms' we really want to.  Next time, if these are not included in vows made to me, I will not say yes.....:

I will keep my dick in my pants.  I won’t tell lies so I can flirt with and screw other woman.  I will not have an affair.  I will not play mind games with you to make you think you are crazy, just so I can have MY way.


I will not dump ALL the responsibilites on you, and then blame you when things go wrong.


I will support you and stand by you in times of need and not leave you hanging to figure everything out on your own.


I will not do things to make your life harder and add to your burdons.


There are obviously plenty more to add to this list, but I just wanted to say the basic ones I felt could be added....

These will be my vows at my next wedding, should I ever get married again, because lets face it...I prefer to just be brutally honest from this point forward....I think we all deserve no less...and IF you are going to promise something to someone....I think it should be something that you realistically can foresee and uphold....so here it is....

I, Goddess Supreme, promise to love you, King of my world, under the following conditions until the day you fuck up.  I will love you while you are healthy, self sufficient, debt free, and able to produce multiple orgasms. I will give you my heart and soul, so long as you give me yours.  I will not cheat on you in ANY way.  I will be your friend, lover, and soul mate for as long as you are mine.  I make you this one and only solemn vow.....I WILL: gouge your eyes out with an ice pick if you look at other women, poison your food if you talk to them, and melt your cock off with a blow torch if you fuck one.  At that point….we will definitely be parted by death….YOURS. 

Yes we are suppose to honor our promises and keep them, but are we really suppose to take this promise thing to the extremes or continue to honor them when our better half does not? 

I think not.

~S~