Venus to awaken

 I am hoping after yesterday, the last day of this Venus retrograde period, as Sleepy Venus awakens from her 6 week nap, that I will be afforded having ‘myself’ back.  I have been in a funk like no other.  Although it has certainly been good for me in many ways.  I have stood up for myself, demanded to be treated like a wife, lover, mother and friend should be treated.  Not that I am getting it, but I am getting the possibility of it….and the strength to walk away if I don’t.  I know there will be some retrograde ‘jet lag’ so to speak during this 3rd phase thru the end of July.  But I am hoping that I will feel like I did in the ‘pre’ retrograde period….LOVING and SENSUAL.  I miss the wonderfulness of it.  I miss the way I felt when I was so sexually charged I couldn’t sit still.  Venus has been taking a nap for 6 long weeks, and left me nothing short of empty handed.  But as I look at the upcoming astrological predictions, I can't help but wonder if all this was meant to repair my marriage or end it.  If I leave, if I walk away from my husband, family and home….it will not be easy to get it all back.  But if I stay and fight the good fight just a little longer….walking out will still only be just one footstep away.

I was thinking what I will do, is wait on this one little cottage that I hope will come available (it’s being renovated) and if I get the call that it is ready and available, then I will evaluate things at home then and leave if warranted.  At this time, I still have no guarantee that the bank will work with us in the end anyways, nor that my husband is capable of change…or sustaining that change if he does…

And I know….deep in my heart…the only way it could ever work with us again, will be if there is some serious self denial on my part.  I will have to completely ignore my pain and mistrust…again…as if they never happened in order to just go forward.  That to me doesn’t seem right.  As usual, it would be putting HIS need of me letting it go so he stands a chance…..before MY need to have him really understand what he has done to me, and REALLY be remorseful for it.  Both of which he has never truly done........ERRRT!!!!!!!  (the sound of screeching tires)  Whoa Nellie!

I started this post yesterday, and the above is what I had written...of course that is before I got home and 'enjoyed' the rest of my evening.  As with anything, I can make all the plans and decisions I want till i am blue in the face....but the truth of the matter is that I am not in 100% control of this and my husband can chose to do/not do as he pleases.  Here I thought he REALLY meant it, REALLY was going to 'try'......pfft....RIGHT!  So last night it appeared he has all but given hopelessly up....after only 2 days effort.  Seems loving me is just too damn hard.  I thought he was capable of more than two days effort.  But as it happens to be, he is not.  So now, I am pressing him harder to let me know if he is 'done'.  Because if so, there are actions that need to be taken with the house, so we don't become homeless prematurely.  Crap...I hate it when the wrench gets tossed in there!

I did have the fortunate experience of reconnecting with Josh after a brief hiatus.  As 'friends' only of course.  I have nailed him down to help me move when the time comes.  HIm AND his strong friends. :) It was nice talking to my friend again.
~S~