The Love Shack is Open for business....

After my first little kiss with Dan yesterday, I figured it was just time to bite the bullet and finish the last project in my bedroom to rid myself of all things that remind me of my ex.  Our curtains.  I purchased them over 3 months ago, but my curtain rods had pulled out of the wall over my bed.  It seemed like too big a DIY project to tackle, so I just procrastinated from there.  But yesterday was the kick in the ass I needed to move on.  So today I did the unthinkable and used power tools and made a big mess and got the job done.  It is just beautiful!  Shabby Chic like I always wanted but never got because everything was a compromise between mine and his taste, male and female energy.  The love shack may not see any sex for quite a while though as this is my sanctuary.  I walk in now and all I see is me.  I'm not so sure I am ready for  another mans presence in MY room.  It's hard to see the colors well in the pics as the light is bright coming through the window.  But you get the drift.  Who knows, maybe someday Dan will get to grace the walls of this room. One more thing and I am done.  new pretty sheets....yeah....more shopping!
~S~

Plenty of Fish in the Sea.....DEAD fish that is...

There may be "plenty of fish in the sea"

But they aren't online...

Goodbye online dating….for good.  You served a purpose and served it well.  You got my feet wet in the world of dating after being out of the scene for 20ys.  You brought me some real characters and I learned a lot from your interesting ways…..but it’s over.  I’m breaking up with you.  Not one of the men you provided me was a quality man with normal social skills.  Well maybe man #25, but still….he’s not “the one”.  I’m a living breathing creature with above average social skills and I’m kind of cute too, just not photogenic.  I don’t know if my pics portray me in a way that only certain men are drawn to me online, or if that is just what is “available” on line.  My best friend explained that the “free” sites have less serious men.  So maybe someday I might try Match.com or Eharmony…..but for now, it is just me and the real world filled with real men.  Men whom I can tell instantly if we have mutual attraction and then we can go from there.  Not the way it has been, talking to an investing time in a bunch of men who went no where.  I am not bitter, don’t get me wrong….we just are not compatible, you and I.  No more pervy penis pics, no more begging for pics of me naked, no more social morons, no more!  I may get a little bored…but that’s ok.  It’s just motivation to get out there and find those men in the grocery store…like the butcher who remembers me every time I come in now.   Not to mention….Dan the cowboy…..until next time…..arrivederci  POF and OKC…..I’m bouncing!

~S~

Dating in the Dark: Man #8

I don’t know why or how exactly, but the universe has brought me this man for a reason.  I don’t know if he is to be the love of my life, or the lesson of a lifetime.  I am feeling things I have never felt before, a feeling of safety and openness.  I’m terrified, yet somehow not afraid.  He can see right into me and can see thru all my bullshit.  He can see where I try to redirect him away from my feelings.  No one else can do that.  No one knows how I feel unless I want them to know.  But he can.  He knew I was hiding something.  He knew there was a road block holding me back, causing me to self sabotage.  Causing me to run away before I had to face some dark demon.  We talked for hours before I myself discovered it, before I myself put two and two together. Cliff hanger here, as I will get to this demon in a minute.

He is completely content to be able to wait to meet me in person.  He believes I am the one he has been searching for, and that there is no need to rush fate. I however, fear that when we meet in person that there will be no chemistry or god forbid he doesn’t look like his pics or has horrible breath or god only knows one of my lame little reasons for not connecting with someone.  I have such fickle taste…..but….. Is it due to this demon or should I give up on Online dating sites because I’m too fickle in person once we meet?  Who knows, but I think the demon might have something to do with it, on a very deep-seated subconscious level.  I’m thinking, that it is easier to find some superficial fault in a man, because he is not perfect; to avoid the pain of confessing this demon, than to have someone bail on me.  I guess I feel that the guy must be REALLY worth it, really perfect, to risk that kind of rejection.  Now, I have never had to confess this to anyone, even myself.  Like I said, my feelings are in the vault and I don’t give ANYone the combination.  But this man has picked the lock.  He kept trying to figure out what it was I was afraid of, helping me to figure it out and thus, when I figured it out, I felt compelled to just tell him. 

The perfect moment was upon me, I started to cry, he was patient and kind as I struggled to find the words.  Struggled for the courage to spit it out.  I whispered thru the tears….“I understand if you never want to talk to me again after I say this”  he reassured me tenderly “just tell me, I can handle it” …lots of attempted starts n stops and then I blurted “I have herpes” with the drama befitting a 16^th century play…and with that I felt as though I had thrown myself on the dagger.  Hurled myself into the sea without a life jacket.  Put the barrel in my mouth and pulled the trigger.  As I floundered, writhing in the absolute conviction of my impending doom, he touched me (figuratively) and relieved my self inflicted misery….”Oh Honey, so do I”……batting my eyelashes thru my tears ”what?….you do?”

I swear, the clouds parted, trumpets played, and angels started singing.  The biggest weight in the world had been lifted off my shoulders. And the serenity that washed over me was surreal.  This damn little incurable disease, had caused me to believe for 20ys that no one else on the planet would want me after my husband, no good man anyways, and that is one of the main reasons I stayed with him for 20ys.  My sole purpose for dating right now was to heal myself.  To learn and grow thru the experiences, good and bad, of each man I encounter.  Be it online, or in person.  The second this weight was lifted, I felt so light, like was literally floating above my bed.  He knew it, I didn’t have to speak this aloud, though he listened intently when I did.  So, after some deliberation in my head.  I have decided to wait to meet him.  To trust myself to freefall and still be OK, no matter what happens.

It reminds me of that reality dating show on tv. “dating in the dark”, where they put singles together in pitch blackness, and after a while of talking…or what ever else they end up doing, they each get to see the other from behind a one way mirror….then…they have a  predetermined meeting time on the balcony.  If both show up, great, they go from there.  But I often thought how sad, that some couples seemed to really like each other (in the dark that is), but one of them gets stood up on the balcony in the end.  While an awesome social experiment and interesting to watch, I often wondered what the results might be, if these couples who got along….got to do it for more than a half hour.  What if they dated in the dark for say two weeks.  An hour or so each day.  Possibly even wear ski masks and go outside on real dates, so this attraction to the mind is allowed to grow.  Would the results be different?  But here "I" am, picture in hand, voice in ear….we get along, I think he is cute…..and yet I am afraid to come out of the dark, into the light, see him for who he really is, and discover if I will meet him on the balcony.

For now all I know, is that I am waiting to meet him.  I’m going to follow his lead rather than try to control this thing.  Experience him, and what HE has to offer ME.  If what I have been doing all these years hasn’t worked, why the hell am I so afraid to let go, freefall, and try a different way?

So here I am world, Jumping and trusting I can fly.

~S~

A sinking in the pit of my stomach

My ex, who has been hounding me since the moment after he spent his first night alone, is on to a new tactic.  At first he tried the panic driven begging and pleading, tears of sorrow.  Then he moved on to fear tactics of basically the creepy stalker.  From there it was a seamless transition to hateful punishment for not acknowledging his request.  And now he has graduated to being selfless, regretful and understanding.  Don't get me wrong, had he tried this strategy while we were still together, it would be endearing. However, I feel it is just another tactic to get himself out of the pain of the situation he has found himself in.  Not out of true empathy for the pain he caused me all those years.  Not out of honest remorse.  Is he sorry?  Yes, for himself.  I see the words in his text, but they are empty to me. 

There is this song that Johnny Lang sings, "Breaking Me".  I remember when I caught him cheating the first time, I got drunk, dang near to the point of alcohol poisoning, and listened to that song over and over for a couple hours or so, crying.  Wishing he loved me that much.  Wishing it wasn't me that was "breaking".  Somewhere in the back of my mind, as it was swimming in that alcohol, I hoped he would see my pain, come running in and profess his love for me, to say how sorry he was for hurting me this bad.  But he didn't.  He barely came in and helped me get a giant stock pot from the cabinet to puke in.  He left me there in front of the fire heaving my guts out.  I have always wished that someone, obviously my husband would have been a nice someone, would love me and express to me the ache for me in thier heart...they way Johnny does in that song.

Interestingly enough.....my husband is in far more pain that expressed in that song.  He expresses it to me several times a week.  And I don't feel the slightest amount of pity or pride.  Odd how sometimes the things we think we want, when we get them....it is not nearly as enjoyable as we imagined.  It also makes me think how I must have looked, on my knees, begging HIM not to leave ME.  It's relatively pathetic for sure.

So here I am, staring at yet another text message, not knowing what to say to him.  Not knowing if it will give him false hope.  He says he can't go one without hope.  But I just don't feel right giving it to him, because in my heart of hearts, I know he can't meet my needs.  The most basic of needs.....trust....I just can't live my life always wondering if I am being lied to......ever again.  Yet I have this gut wrenching sinking feeling in my stomach, that I will cave and take him back, despite my better judgement.  Lord I hope I can stay strong.
~S~

What I am learning from Christian Carter

OMG....I know my marriage and it's failure is a 50/50 stock in it's demise, and I know that the kiss of death was the final affair he had.  Had he not done that, we would still be together today as I was a sorry excuse of a pile of goo not worthy to consume so much air.  IE: no back bone.  A couple of my friends were/are decidedly insistent that I get counseling, because there is no way....NO WAY....someone could go thru what I went thru for two decades and not need professional help.  And my whorish behavior was not helping my cause to deny a need for such help.  How ever, I haven't yet slept with a single man, so....I'm just saying....

Anyways, I decided that I did need some help...with DATING.  I have been locked up for so long that I just knew I was going to spaz out on some men and scare them away at best.  No way for a lady to get laid, that's for sure!  I have been on Christian Carter's email list for a while now and have been intrigued to say the least.  But poor as well. He is the dating guru to the girls.  The 'inside the mind of a man' guy.  The 'catch him and keep him' guy.  ...The "don't be a spaz "Shelly" guy. I knew I needed his help as I was leaning this direction.  Leaning in the direction of trying to force my life into the direction that I wanted it to go.  I'm a great catch and I know it....but how do I get guys to know it if I can't get them to ask me out?  What am I doing wrong?  I'm a very attractive woman(sexy, hot, beautiful are the words said to me), according to men, but not attractive enough to be seen in public with.  Hmmm.  I knew this just could not be true.  I messaged quite a good number of men and not a one of them replied, no matter HOW or WHAT I said in that message. 

So, I did the only thing I could do...I scouted out used copies of Christian's program.  I have gotten them all except one....and let me say...OMG... am I going to have fun DATING.  Honestly, I am not ready for a relationship....a knew it before...but it is for sure now.  My husband did a number on me for 2 decades, and I fell pray to all the common women's response to his bull shit.  Maybe if I had these programs back in the day, I could have averted many of our pitfalls, but I doubt it.  He was an alcoholic, and we were doomed to a marriage of mediocrity from the get go.  However, I never want to live that way again, so not only do I want to be able to spot an unhealthy man quickly, I want to know how to ATTRACT the right man, and know how not to push him away once I do find him.  I don't want to fall for a man, I want to fall in love because I CHOSE the right man. I know his programs are going to help me do just that.  And why do I know this?

Because I am learning how to control myself, learning to heal myself, learning that my husbands problems of infidelity and alcohol issues were NOT my fault.  I'm learning how a guy might perceive my behavior, not me girlfriend's.  I personally think these tapes will be far better for me than counseling ever would have been.  I love some of the 'experts' he has interviewed as well Such as Marie Forleo and Lauren Francis. I can't wait to get thier stuff too, along with many other guest speakers he has shared in his programs.

The best part about them, is that I am getting instant results too.  I happen to be very introspective and study from programs like this all the time, so I am quick to understand, conceptualize and put into practice.  While I will eventually go back and do each program with pen in hand.  At the moment I am just listening to each CD as fast as I can, to get thru them ALL, so I could figure out how to chill and stop forcing my life.  I have all this pent up sexual energy that is literally bursting out of me.  I can only unleash it on the guys at the gay bar for so long before I will explode!  The partying is almost out of my system, and my gay guy friends really help me cut loose and let it all out.  I'm going to have to contact Christian and thank him as soon as I get more of myself figured out.  I've been listening to non stop Cd's in the car on my commute, and my inner spirit has already undergone a major overhaul that the whole world around me is commenting on.  Thanks Christian....you ROCK!  You have saved a whole lot of men from my uncontrollable sexual tension.

I will be blogging soon about Marie and Lauren as they have helped me immensely as well.

Peace n Love
~S~

Click here for more info on Christian Carter and his amazing products.

"I need you"

"I need you".........The three hardest words to say.  Harder to say than "I want you"....for sure harder than "I hate you"....Even harder than saying "I love you".

Saying "I need you" leaves you naked, exposed and vulnerable in a way no other admission can.  Vulnerable to have your soul ripped into shreds.  Vulnerable to being abused and taken advantage of.  Saying "I need you" can bring you to your knees, leaving you at the mercy of another's merciless soul.  Exposing your heart to the greatest pain and self doubt ever known.  Words that don't need to be said, in order to be felt by another.  A plea not needing utterance to be twisted into another's advantage over you.  The essence of your being, shackled to your cries of weakness.  Desperate to avoid tyranny and oppression, hoping for tenderness and benevolence.

There is no feeling I hate more than needing someone.  I hate how the second they know I need them, they feel it gives them free licence to tear me down.  Like I am no longer worthy of common decency and respect.  A free for all of mayhem and destruction.  What ever it takes to reduce me to the smallest resemblance of humanity.....and why?.....Because I am in need...that's why.  THAT is my crime....needing YOU.  I swear...I am going to do my damndest to get out of my current situation as quickly as possible because I do not ever....and I do mean EVER....want to NEED anyone ever again.  I love to feel needed, but I don't twist someone elses need of ME into some form of sadistic strong hold over them.  But here I sit, the victim of my own choices and decisions, forcing me to need, forcing me to be at someone elses mercy.....I will swallow this pill for now, as I suppose I deserve some of it.  I will take it like a woman, though I will hate every second of it.
~S~

I'm overwhelmed....help!

As I started to go thru boxes in the garage, purging my past from square carboard recepticles of my life...It occured to me that I never unpacked when we moved in here 4ys ago.  Not really unpacked anyways.  I had surgery a few days after we got the keys and just as I was fit enough to actually do some serious unpacking.....I caught my husband cheating.  After that...I never had the heart to unpack.  I mean, why bother when you think 'any day' you might have to box it all back up again?  I found some boxes I packed for storage over 10ys ago.  And I also doscovered my husbands habits of just boxing up all my crap I have laying around and tossing it in the garage.  Some boxes are neatly organized with like minded things inside....others look like mini tornadoes had been swirling around inside with a hodge podge eclectic collection of odds n ends. 

I'm trying to be as practical as possible, knowing I will be living in a place half the size with NO storage to speak of.  But the rent is dirt cheap, so I can't complain.  It all got me thinking about how I can have any bed spread I want.  Any decorations I wan't.  I can be as girly and froo froo as I desire....and I am going to decorate with the Shabby Chic eclectic style I always wanted to....that HE wouldn't let me do.  I found my great grandmothers chenille bed spread and it will look fabulous with all the decorations I found packed in my nightmare....otherwise known as my garage.  I was hoping to have a yard sale this weekend.....but I am no where near getting thru all that crap....much less having made it into the HOUSE to downsize in there.  Good news is that I have been diligent and have reduced my possesions thus far by half!  Sad news is that I will likely be rehoming my dogs.  There will be no one home all day with them and the pup still isn't house broken.  If I can work out fencing in the back yard, I might consider letting them stay.  Wish the munchkins luck.
~S~

Splitsville official.....

I got home last night, sat down to talk and we ended up deciding on divorce. I am not sure if yesterday was the last day of the retrograde, or the first day of no longer being in retrograde.....Either way, it comes as no shock to me that this happened on this day, be it the first or last day. Both would be pivotal in my opinion.  I am more convinced than ever that the planets and stars influence our daily lives.  For the good and the bad.  All the things that were revealed during the retrograde, are now coming to fruition.  All the wishy washy is over, my marriage is over, my house to be left behind in the wake of destruction and nothing but new beginnings from here on out.  I am scared as hell and quite honestly, I think I just might throw up.  But it was mutual, he brought it up in fact, that he knows he cannot change and that I don't deserve to have to live that way.  It was a calm and mature conversation, no bitterness or anger....just a moving forward with the separation.  No blame game, no pettiness in dividing our stuff, no ugliness.  Now we just need to figure out how to purge ourselves of our damage.  The house, the debt, the stuff.....finding places to live and the money to move into them.  Fingers crossed that we both come out on top on the other side.
~S~

Venus to awaken

 I am hoping after yesterday, the last day of this Venus retrograde period, as Sleepy Venus awakens from her 6 week nap, that I will be afforded having ‘myself’ back.  I have been in a funk like no other.  Although it has certainly been good for me in many ways.  I have stood up for myself, demanded to be treated like a wife, lover, mother and friend should be treated.  Not that I am getting it, but I am getting the possibility of it….and the strength to walk away if I don’t.  I know there will be some retrograde ‘jet lag’ so to speak during this 3rd phase thru the end of July.  But I am hoping that I will feel like I did in the ‘pre’ retrograde period….LOVING and SENSUAL.  I miss the wonderfulness of it.  I miss the way I felt when I was so sexually charged I couldn’t sit still.  Venus has been taking a nap for 6 long weeks, and left me nothing short of empty handed.  But as I look at the upcoming astrological predictions, I can't help but wonder if all this was meant to repair my marriage or end it.  If I leave, if I walk away from my husband, family and home….it will not be easy to get it all back.  But if I stay and fight the good fight just a little longer….walking out will still only be just one footstep away.

I was thinking what I will do, is wait on this one little cottage that I hope will come available (it’s being renovated) and if I get the call that it is ready and available, then I will evaluate things at home then and leave if warranted.  At this time, I still have no guarantee that the bank will work with us in the end anyways, nor that my husband is capable of change…or sustaining that change if he does…

And I know….deep in my heart…the only way it could ever work with us again, will be if there is some serious self denial on my part.  I will have to completely ignore my pain and mistrust…again…as if they never happened in order to just go forward.  That to me doesn’t seem right.  As usual, it would be putting HIS need of me letting it go so he stands a chance…..before MY need to have him really understand what he has done to me, and REALLY be remorseful for it.  Both of which he has never truly done........ERRRT!!!!!!!  (the sound of screeching tires)  Whoa Nellie!

I started this post yesterday, and the above is what I had written...of course that is before I got home and 'enjoyed' the rest of my evening.  As with anything, I can make all the plans and decisions I want till i am blue in the face....but the truth of the matter is that I am not in 100% control of this and my husband can chose to do/not do as he pleases.  Here I thought he REALLY meant it, REALLY was going to 'try'......pfft....RIGHT!  So last night it appeared he has all but given hopelessly up....after only 2 days effort.  Seems loving me is just too damn hard.  I thought he was capable of more than two days effort.  But as it happens to be, he is not.  So now, I am pressing him harder to let me know if he is 'done'.  Because if so, there are actions that need to be taken with the house, so we don't become homeless prematurely.  Crap...I hate it when the wrench gets tossed in there!

I did have the fortunate experience of reconnecting with Josh after a brief hiatus.  As 'friends' only of course.  I have nailed him down to help me move when the time comes.  HIm AND his strong friends. :) It was nice talking to my friend again.
~S~

Before you can see the light….

.....You have to deal with the darkness.

That was the gem in my fortune cookie today!
How interesting to get that, this last day of Venus Retrograde. The last day of darkness for Venus, before I am enlighted by the discoveries made during her nap.

I am more confused than ever….well…more like ‘torn’.  I had the ‘talk’ with my husband a couple days ago.  I told him that I don’t have all the answers, none really.  Told him that I don’t know what I want exactly, or how he can go about ‘fixing’ this to try to save our marriage and home.  That part of me really does want to be single and experience life out there.  To go on the ultimate journey to see if a man exists that can love me with out hurting me.  To be able to do what ever I want, when ever I want, without guilt or ridicule. Also that part of me loves being a ‘family’ and I really don’t want to end it.  But that the one thing I do know for sure, is that we ARE getting legally separated…..NOW.  He said he wants to be ‘that man’, knows he CAN be ‘that man’, and is willing to do ANY thing to become ‘that man’.  Problem is, he has at times in the past, he has done the things I need/want, such as quit drinking…only to start up again down the road.  Even while we were talking, he became frustrated, understandably, at my ‘mixed signals’.  Personally I don’t think they were mixed, other than in MY head.  I was very clear that “I just don’t know” and there are “No guarantees”.  I told him, if you are going to give up before even trying, than what is the point of ‘trying’?  Let’s just end it here and now.  His attitude changed immediately.  But…

I know in my mind this cannot work with my husband.  My mind knows that even if he became the ‘perfect’ partner, even if he could overcome and beat alcoholism, even if we could become partners and figure out our financial issues….Even if he no longer was a narcissistic asshole……I still will not trust him.  No matter what, I will never trust him again.  He still will not admit to the affair from last year despite my having proof. (proof that he refuses to look at)

But then the ‘mind games’ come in to torment my heart.  You see, I am an idealist, trapped in a realist’s body, wearing an optimistic cloak.  Realistically I know that I will most likely never trust ANY man….so what difference is it that I stay with ‘this’ man.  (IF things changed)  If I leave, and never find a man I can ‘trust’….isn’t that just trading one dick for another?  Trading one set of ‘problems’ for another?  So why tear apart a family when the abuser says he is sorry and wants to change?  What kind of ‘bitch’ am I? 

So here I am….confused….torn….My mind and heart battling to the death…..and don’t know what to do.  Call it what you will, maybe I am just being weak….maybe it is smart….maybe it is compassion…I don’t know.  I don’t know anything right now.  I have little to no faith in any area of thought. And it doesn’t help to have people in my life who are less than supportive of the marriage ending.  People who are suppose to be on my side.  This includes my therapist friend who can’t stop being a therapist long enough to be my friend.  My disabled mother who lives with us, who stands to be evicted as well, and can only think about herself…not how her daughter is about to be a single mother like she was and that her grandson is about to lose living with his father.  My father and step mother, who seem to think my biggest problem is that I got a couple tattoo’s that I couldn’t afford (example of our loose financial habits)…..NOT that my husband, the man who vowed to love me forever, has taken my heart and shredded it into pieces…for two decades.

I guess I will take my best friends advice.  She told me a few weeks ago, that I have too many decisions on my plate…causing me to make NONE at all.  That I need to make a list of all the things I need to make a decision about, then prioritize them, then act on them one by one….saving my marriage for last.  She even sat with me and wrote it for me so she knew I did it.  That really made it easier for me to start taking action…one by one….starting with letting Josh go….working my way up to the legal filing of our separation papers….which are almost done being filled out and should be filed next Monday.  I have an apartment potentially on reserve, the house payment money for one more month, give him a few more weeks and see how it all goes.  ONE step at a time.

~S~

Narcissistically Me

It was suggested to me that my husband is a narcissist, and most likely suffers from Narcissistic Personality disorder. So I looked it up.  I thought I knew what it meant, and although I was pretty close, it is of course far more involved than what I suspected.  As I read, it not only became clear to me that YES he indeed does suffer from NPD, but that I may be a narcissist as well, quite possibly my son too.  The good news is that characteristics of narcissism are, to a great exten,t a normal part of self development.  It is when we don’t grow out of it as we mature, or it becomes excessive that we have an issue.  So my concern for my son was quickly alleviated, but as for myself, not so much. 

I found a test to take online to determine if I was a narcissist….and especially excessively so…..and all I can say is….”Whew” No I'm not…but it then appeared that I might have a superiority complex …..oh lord.  So off to google again to find a test for THAT.  Good news….seems I suffer from an inferiority complex instead and may use superiority techniques to disguise it. 

Hmmm…I wonder how much being molested as a child, raised by a poor single mother with borderline personality disorder, a non-existent narcissistic father, alcoholic step parents, raped as a teen, and living 19ys with an alcoholic narcissistic husband….have anything to do with that??

So the more I thought about it, the more I decided…..to some extent and in varying degrees….we ALL have some kind of personality disorder or neurosis…it’s the ones who’s disorders inflict pain on others that are the problem….and that group would include my husband.  And I would venture to say, any one involved with a compulsive cheater, such as I am, is most likely involved with a narcissist.  Because it takes a whole lot of lack of empathy to repeatedly betray the one you supposedly love. 

~S~

For those that want to 'test' yourself or your cheating partner....

Here is the test.

~Chasing Rainbows~

Here I am, Chasing rainbows.  What seems to be so clear right before me, disappears as fast as I can see a clear path.  Clouds hide it’s beauty, and hills get in the way.  Twists and turns confuse me and the faster I run to it, the farther away it becomes.    For a fleeting moment, I feel as though I can reach out and touch it.  So illuminating the light of the vibrant colors, yet transparent enough to know it isn’t real.  But it IS real, just because you can't touch it, doesn't mean it isn't there. Tears from heaven reveal it, and the sun rays light it up.  I blink and it is gone.  Now lost between two shores, not knowing how I got here or how to get back.  What ever shall I chase now?

That rainbow is true happiness.  I sit around waiting for it to reveal itself to me, so that I can chase after it with gusto.  Freedom and joy should not be so elusive should they?  I used to think it could be manufactured in my marriage, but I now know it cannot.  It only lies in being single.  I have no feelings left for him.  No matter how hard I try.  We made love last night.  For him, it was a passionate attempt.  But I felt nothing. No spark, no fireworks, no tingles....NOTHING.  I am tired of being the one to be responsible for the relationship, for the marriage, for the kid, for the house, for the finances.  I am tired of being the 'failure' when I know it is not just me.  He is the one incapable of change.  He is the one who could never even try to chase a rainbow, IF he was visionary enough to see it in the first place.

~S~

The need to connect

"The first transatlantic telegraph cable was made of 340,500 miles of copper and iron wire, designed to stretch 2,876.95 miles along the ocean floor.  Once the cable was in place, you could use electrical impulses and signal code to send any message you wanted to the other side of the world.  Human beings are hard wired with the impulse to share our ideas and the desire to know you’ve been heard…… it’s all part of our need for community.  That’s why were constantly sending out signals and signs, and why we look for them from other people.  We’re always waiting for messages, hoping for connection,  and if we haven’t received a message, that doesn’t always mean it hasn’t been sent to us….sometimes it means we haven’t listened hard enough.

In spite of all our communication technology, no invention is as effective as the sound of the human voice.  When we hear the human voice, we instinctively want to listen,  in the hopes of understanding it….. even when the speaker is searching for the right words to say.  Even when all we hear is yelling, or crying, or singing.  That’s because the human voice resonates differently from anything else in the world.  That’s why we can hear a singers voice over the sound of a full orchestra.  We will always hear that singer, no matter what else surrounds it." Touched

I was listening to the news the other day, as background noise, and heard that facebook of all things is not doing well.  That people are actually BORED with it, and as such, stocks are falling....or something like that.  I didn't pay close attention because, let's face it, I couldn't really give a shit.  But, it occured to me that our need to connect with others has gone from taking years to cross a sea to make the first connection, to never having to really make another connection again.  Our insatiable appitite for satisfying ourselves right now, and the ability for sites like facebook and Tagged to feed that need in a nano second.....sharing the most mundane of daily 'experiences' with each other....has caused us to have burned out.  We are not REALLY connecting that way....and we have now opted out of house calls, voice calls, and shockingly email calls.....in exchange for texting and just posting our lives, never having to truly 'converse' ....we just read what is going on in our dearest loved ones lives....give it a thumbs up "Like"...and move on.  And what's really sad, if you google in the images section, the word 'touch'....99.9% of the results are technology based images. 

That is what I loved about bar hopping this  last weekend.  People were every where...in cars and taxi's....on bikes and walking.  There were 5-6 bars in a 9 square block area....intermingled with residential homes and frat houses.  Between the hours of 11pm and 2am, there was never a time when there wasn't people....REAL people on the street....interacting, talking, touching, laughing and living life.  When people talked, no one gave a thumbs up and shouted "Like"...they listened and laughed with them, and TALKED with them.  As people passed each other on the street, they smiled and said hello.  I made new friends and we talked for hours while dancing a little and sharing pics and things.

Of course at this stage in my marriage/divorce, I cannot be going out all the time....in fact barely at all....so my desire to connect is strong.  I take any form of connection I can...and at this point it is tagged.com.  I have male friends all over the country of every relationship status known to relationships.  I have reconnected with my friends that I ignored due to hanging out with Josh....and have accepted a fairly large group of new friends recently.  A few that I would love to meet in person, and a few that I would love to be cruel and just delete.  And, as always, my favorite...Owen.  Man would I love to meet him in person and tear him UP!  We have the BEST connection, even though it is digital.  And maybe, just maybe, someday we can connect in real life.
~S~

"I love you"

Isn't it funny just how many emotions and promises are attached to those 3 little words, be they real or percieved.  Probably more than any other 3 word combination in any human language.  We say it and write it in many forms.... "Love you", "luv you", "luv u" "love ya" "luv ya" and we even use litte emoticons and graphics with little hearts.....but the one that I think is the most personal, that conveys the most, is the one with the little "I" in front of it.  It is what separates casual love from deep meaningful love. What all do those three little words imply?  And does it mean the same to the person saying it, as it does to the one hearing it?  Most likely not. 

Some things it can convey.....

"You can trust me" and "I trust you"
"I'm not going anywhere" and "please don't leave me"
"I get you" and "I love that you get me"
"I will never hurt you" and "Please don't hurt me"
"I think your wonderful" and it feels great to know "You think I am wonderful"
"Thank you for all that you do for me" and "I will do all that I humanly can for you"

The list goes on and on.....but is there just as much really conveyed in the reply "I love you"?  We say it so automatically in response to someone saying it first, that I think it means very little more than a simple
"thank you".....as in 'thank you for telling me that YOU love ME...because I know if I don't say it back....it will hurt your feelings"

Often I think we say it, just to get the return 'I love you' to validate our feelings or needs.  So sometimes "I love you" really only means....."Do YOU love ME?"  Which is an oxy moron considering the reply could only mean "thank you for saying that" so it really validates nothing and if that is what you are seeking, you will always question if the reply was sincere.

And then when things are bad, like they are for me and my husband right now, when I say "I love you" that is ALL it means.  It does NOT mean...

"I forgive you"
"I'm not leaving"
"I accept your weak attempt to change"
"I love the way you treat me"

Right now when I say it....it very simply means

"Yes I love you, but I love me more"
"Please don't hurt yourself"
"I do care about you"

What would the world be like, if we actually said the things we really feel and asked the questions we really wanted to ask, rather than cheapen the meaning of the trilogy by using it to infer so much else that we just cannot say.

~S~

Group Therapy...not what you'd think

My best friend came over sat night and we sat down and did my "I'm about to be single" budget.  We also parused the internet looking at apartments n such, and did a whole lot of talking about my husband and equitable division of the assets.  She stayed until near midnight and I so very much enjoyed visiting with her.  Then she invited me for group therapy the next morning.  Say what?  ....She explained it is the grouping of bullets on a target.  OH!!! ok, sounds like fun, so I agreed.  OMG what a blast!  I printed a small picture of me and the hubby and taped it to the 'neck' of the target.  It's a pic where we both look so miserable.  I look flat out UGLY, and it is the very pic that caused me to join tagged.com. I couldn't believe how ugly he made me feel inside, that was obviously turning up on the outside.  In the end, my 'grouping' was mainly just an inch from our heads, until I landed one square on the bullseye.  Needing to kill the ugly me, I finally got a hit on my side of the pic as well.  The men that were there asked me why I wanted a bullet in my head as well, and I told them because everyone is always trying to kill the pretty me, and are quite successful at it.  Maybe if I kill the ugly one, the pretty one has a chance at survival. 

I say, why be cliche and burn a pic of your ex, when you can be original and fill it full of holes.

I'm gonna show ya what this little girl is made of ...... Gun Powder ~n~ Lead

~S~

~Jungle Squirrel~

How can I go home again? A place of least resistance, but little more than mere existence.  I walked the million miles of the information highway looking for something. Flashing lights and glitter to attract and distract the emptiness inside.  Looking for me and something to satisfy a hunger I had denied myself for so long. Finding things I never knew existed.  Am I finding them or are they finding me?

I feast on them with the veracity of a jungle cat, wanting no others to share in my spoils, so I can come back and be satisfied again and again.  I fear what happens when the carcass is clean.... Will there be another kill when my hunger and desire compel me? Will I survive the emptiness between meals?

How could I not know how bad I needed this?  Needed to know me.  All of me.   Excitement, heart pounding, blood rushing, a euphoria of pleasure.  On this journey, I'm falling in love with me. And once you have learned to love yourself, how can you take that love away again? How can you love yourself by day, and yet deny your heart that love by night?

What is the fairy tale? The one that pleases the senses in the depths of my soul, or the one that pleases the mind in the depths of my morality.  A struggle between flesh and logic, pleasure and pain.  The flesh is denied in fantasy, so why does it feel so real...? How does it become the truth when it only exists in my mind....and on paper?  Yet the logic which is real, flesh and bone.... it is laced with denial. Denying the pure hell of my reality, foolishly thinking that which surrounds me could someday, somehow, get better.  Thinking such things was nothing more than a fantasy. Where is this line I crossed when fantasy became the reality, and reality became a fantasy? How can I go home to a lie?

But how could I live in a fantasy.... Loving myself.... Stepping outside my own skin, if even for a brief moment, thinking my skin fits me so perfectly, it would be easy to step back inside.  Yet that is no longer the case.  It is no longer home to me. It no longer fits.  I no longer recognize her. That woman bound so tightly with denial. Denying my mundane existence.  Denying desire. Denying the acts of rejection and aggression. But I don't yet fully know the new woman staring back at me in the mirror.  Who is she and why is she taking my hand and guiding me into the frightening world of the unknown?

I ask myself, who do I love more? The empty lifeless skin, OR the nakedness beneath, raw and exposed, vulnerable, needing a home that fits? I don't know yet, all I know is that I have no where to go, no where I call home, no skin that fits....so....

 

How could I go home and still love myself?  I can’t.
There is no going back, to that other person, that other place, to that lie, to that slow death....

This thing.... This stranger.... She is all I know now....as I do not know how to put them together and make them fit seamlessly.  Will I choose to take her hand, leave that shell behind and walk these streets, journey this highway, naked and free to find what ever it is that I am searching for?….Yes I will.

~S~

Letting go

What a week!  Some good, some bad, some indifferent.  Josh and I together, finally talked last night and called 'time of death' on the romantic side of our friendship.  We missed talking to each other, but both know we are too different to ever be more than just really good freinds.  One of the things we both agree on is that it was fate that we were meant to meet each other.  I reminded him that I will always cherish the gift he gave me and that he is my angel that will always be a part of me.  I wished we could have hugged it out in the end. 

Problem is when I got back home all Hell broke loose and I have no idea at this moment the current 'state' of my marriage.  While obviously destroyed, we weren't fighting until last night and it was a doozy!  After previously admiting on his own that he has not put any effort into changing the last 3 weeks and me agreeing to a couple more weeks....he just lost his damn fool head.  I know him well, and know it was all about putting me on the defensive so that it can again be all 'my' fault.  So he can be in control again.  The fact that he would honestly at this point agree to something he absolutely did not want....an open marriage....rather than dig deep, do some soul searching and GROW......tells me just how sobering the reality of my fantasy is......and that this will never work.  Well good for you babe....take your control, blame and misery and get the fuck OUT!!!  I may starve to death physically without you, but mentally, emotionally and spiritually I will thrive and flourish on my own.

~S~

Drops of Jupiter

The magic of song lyrics

The past few days I have been listening to my music, in shuffle mode, rather than the most recent style of self indulgence listening to one song for days on end.  I had noticed that I was choosing a song based on my current emotion, set it on replay, just to have background noise.  Problem was, I think it was influencing my mood instead of enhancing it.  So I thought that maybe I should choose some songs that evoke the emotions I WANT to feel.  I have to say it is making a difference.  However a really cool thing happened once I did that.  I started to listen, REALLY listen, to the lyrics of my favorite songs.  I have heard them all thousands of times, most of them I know the words by heart, but I never REALLY listened to the brilliance of their poetry.  I decided that for the rest of the week I would listen with careful purpose to the artistry, to the poetry, not just the music and words as an overall whole.  WOW….I have been so moved by them.  These lyricists are pure poetic genius.  I am actually a bit envious of the depth of soul some of them really have. 

One of my favorites is “drops of Jupiter” by train.  I think it is one of the most brilliantly insightful songs ever written.  However, you might find it interesting to know, that he wrote that song about his mother who had passed away from cancer-believing her spirit was back on earth with him, not about a lover who left him to “search her soul”.  He included things that he thought she would miss about being on earth with him, such as fried chicken and long talks with him.  Although I do strongly believe one of the great things about poetry and music, is that we each can interpret a song or poem to mean what ever inspires our own emotions.  So for me, ‘Drops of Jupiter’ is about me and my ‘soul vacation’ because that is exactly what I am on….a soul journey.  And what better way to do that than traipsing across the constellations, dancing along the light of day.  But the song reminds us about those that we leave behind while sailing across the sun and the things they have to offer us here on “earth”….and that most likely, while fun, we risk losing the things we enjoy with those who love us.  For me that is my son, my friends, and my hobbies…..but sadly….few things about my husband.

I feel I have been trapped for so long that I have to break out of this atmosphere and have a stay on the moon.  I must make it to the Milky Way to see for my self if the lights are faded and heaven is over rated.  Maybe I will fall for a shooting star.  Can Venus blow my mind?  Will it be everything I’m hoping to find?  I don’t know if it will be, I just know I need to see for myself.

~S~

Drops Of Jupiter lyrics
Now that she's back in the atmosphere
With drops of Jupiter in her hair, hey
She acts like summer and walks like rain
Reminds me that there's a time to change, hey
Since the return from her stay on the moon
She listens like spring and she talks like June, hey, hey

But tell me, did you sail across the sun?
Did you make it to the Milky Way
To see the lights all faded
And that heaven is overrated?

Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star?
One without a permanent scar
And then you missed me
While you were looking for yourself out there?

Now that she's back from that soul vacation
Tracing her way through the constellation, hey
She checks out Mozart while she does Tae-Bo
Reminds me that there's room to grow, hey

Now that she's back in the atmosphere
I'm afraid that she might think of me as
Plain ol' Jane told a story about a man
Who was too afraid to fly so he never did land

But tell me, did the wind sweep you off your feet?
Did you finally get the chance
To dance along the light of day
And head back to the Milky Way?

And tell me, did Venus blow your mind?
Was it everything you wanted to find?
And then you missed me
While you were looking for yourself out there

Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken
Your best friend always sticking up for you
Even when I know you're wrong?

Can you imagine no first dance, freeze-dried romance
Five-hour phone conversation
The best soy latte that you ever had, and me?

Clinging to snap shots

"There are 31,530000 seconds in a year.  1000 milliseconds in a second.  1 million micro seconds. A billion nano seconds.  And the one "constant", connecting nano seconds to years, is change.  The universe, from atom to galaxy, is in a perpetual state of flux.  But we humans don't like change. It scares us. So we create the illusion of stasis. We want to believe in the world at rest, the world of right now. Yet our great paradox remains the same. The moment we grasp the "now".....that 'now' is gone.  We cling to snap shots, but life is moving pictures, each nano second different than the last. Time forces us to grow and to doubt, because every time we blink our eyes, the world shifts beneath our feet.  Every day,  every moment, every nano second, the world changes.  Electrons bump into each other and react, people collide, and alter each others paths.  Change isn't easy. More often than not, it's wretched and difficult.  But maybe that's a good thing, because it's change that makes us strong, keeps us resilient, and teaches us to evolve."... Touched

I have been clinging to a very few happy snap shots of a 20ys horrible marriage.  Looking back thru the photo album of our life, there are really few truly happy moments.  And most of them were due to external things, not relationship bliss.  Oddly, some of our happiest moments together are from the last few months, yet here we are, in relationship hell again.  He doesn't seem to grasp just how serious I am about leaving.  He asked, rather begged, for another chance...pleading he would do 'anything' to make me happy.  Yet as the first two weeks of this 3 week trial have passed us by, his efforts have been modest, and came to a screeching halt when met with the teeniest of resistance.  I know in his heart he loves me.  That is not in question.  What is in question is the manner in which he has chosen to NOT show it over the years.  He was raised in a home where affection was non existent, even to small children and infants.  But should this be a crutch, a cop out, or MY responsibility to teach him?  I have tried in many ways to show him over the years, and I am at the point that if he can't figure it out, it's just not my problem any more, it is his.  I want out of life what I want, and that is just that. We are not the 20 somethings of our youth when we got married.  I am not a naive little girl any more.  I know I am not innocent in the failings of our marriage, but I have done my part, above and beyond to repair any of my undoings.  He however has no conviction to do the same.  I took near full responsibility for the first affair (stupid...I know) due to circumstances beyond both our control.  Again I completely over looked the second affair, and said nothing to him of my knowlege of it.  I just pulled up my knickers (rather down) and did what I needed to do, to put our relationship back on track....granted it was still no fairy tale fantasy.  I have endured his alcoholism, his tyrades, his perpetual flirting, practically living alone as he spends all his time in the garage.....and "I" have evolved.  He has not.  The world around us changes every moment and I am changing too.  I can finally define what it is I desire and I know it exists out in the open world around me.  I know it is not existing in my home.  He has mistaken this to think that I am some totally new woman, but I really am not.  My desires are things that I have always desired.....but my vision was foggy.  I can clearly see now, that which I have always needed but been too afraid to truly ask for it.  Thinking I didn't desreve it.  Now I know I do.

That last kiss of his with the family friend..."the kiss of death" as I call it.....I asked him why he let it happen.  His reply was...."I couldn't believe a woman like that wanted a man like me".......WTF??

He should.....SHOULD..... feel that way about me.  For god sakes....she isn't THAT fabulous.  I however AM. 

~S~

Thinking ~vs~ Freefalling

As a Libra, I am governed by such actions as being a peace maker, love maker, and seeker of harmony.  I am governed by reason and objectivity most of my waking life.  However, it would be nice for once if I could toss all that aside and just follow my heart.  Let emotions guide my decisions not just my actions.  Act before taking weeks to thoroughly think things through.  I know that many people leap without thinking, and more often than not, it is to their own detriment.  But I often see people throwing caution to the wind, as a primary guidance system, and they always land on top.  Why are some people risks takers and other people nervous nellies? Neither, on quick observation,  is the optimum. And both can result in harm, by way of over action or inaction.

I wouldn't categorize myself as either though.  After all I did smoke some pot this last weekend, I had sex with a near stranger, i turned down a ride to walk alone.....downtown at 2:30 in the morning.... and.... occasionally I run with scissors....So I am no nervous nellie.  But, it isn't as though I have jumped out of a plane, tossed my husbands shit out the window the second I caught him cheating, or run naked through a baseball stadium.  One would think, my entire life should be the epitome of balance, as a Libra anyways.  Neither too cautious nor too adventurous, somewhere in the middle, I thought I had found a balance.  And thus, if you find a balance, I would think....things would normally work out well.  So how did I go so wrong?   Why can't I just take the damn chance and KICK HIS ASS OUT.  Why do I have to let my sense of fairness come into play, no one plays fair with me?  Why can't I stop putting others feelings first and put myself first?  I kind of am, by putting a 'time limit' on this 'try to see if it can work' crap.  But I keep hearing of women who caught the bastard....and his ass was habitating the curb 3 minutes later.....HELL....my own mother in law said she would have kicked him out.  WTF is wrong with me, and will I have the balls to cut the cord next week?

~S~