~Chasing Rainbows~

Here I am, Chasing rainbows.  What seems to be so clear right before me, disappears as fast as I can see a clear path.  Clouds hide it’s beauty, and hills get in the way.  Twists and turns confuse me and the faster I run to it, the farther away it becomes.    For a fleeting moment, I feel as though I can reach out and touch it.  So illuminating the light of the vibrant colors, yet transparent enough to know it isn’t real.  But it IS real, just because you can't touch it, doesn't mean it isn't there. Tears from heaven reveal it, and the sun rays light it up.  I blink and it is gone.  Now lost between two shores, not knowing how I got here or how to get back.  What ever shall I chase now?

That rainbow is true happiness.  I sit around waiting for it to reveal itself to me, so that I can chase after it with gusto.  Freedom and joy should not be so elusive should they?  I used to think it could be manufactured in my marriage, but I now know it cannot.  It only lies in being single.  I have no feelings left for him.  No matter how hard I try.  We made love last night.  For him, it was a passionate attempt.  But I felt nothing. No spark, no fireworks, no tingles....NOTHING.  I am tired of being the one to be responsible for the relationship, for the marriage, for the kid, for the house, for the finances.  I am tired of being the 'failure' when I know it is not just me.  He is the one incapable of change.  He is the one who could never even try to chase a rainbow, IF he was visionary enough to see it in the first place.

~S~