The Love Shack is Open for business....

After my first little kiss with Dan yesterday, I figured it was just time to bite the bullet and finish the last project in my bedroom to rid myself of all things that remind me of my ex.  Our curtains.  I purchased them over 3 months ago, but my curtain rods had pulled out of the wall over my bed.  It seemed like too big a DIY project to tackle, so I just procrastinated from there.  But yesterday was the kick in the ass I needed to move on.  So today I did the unthinkable and used power tools and made a big mess and got the job done.  It is just beautiful!  Shabby Chic like I always wanted but never got because everything was a compromise between mine and his taste, male and female energy.  The love shack may not see any sex for quite a while though as this is my sanctuary.  I walk in now and all I see is me.  I'm not so sure I am ready for  another mans presence in MY room.  It's hard to see the colors well in the pics as the light is bright coming through the window.  But you get the drift.  Who knows, maybe someday Dan will get to grace the walls of this room. One more thing and I am done.  new pretty sheets....yeah....more shopping!
~S~

Holding my Breath

As much as I don't want to hold my breath, I'm just going to have to hold it.  Dan shocked the hell out of me yesterday....he texted me.  I'm not getting too excited, it's just one small step for him....but at least it's in the right direction....I hope.  We texted and teased each other, and maybe after our horrific display of moronic proportions at the party....it was actually a good way to get back to talking to one another and not being too chicken shit.  Now I get to just sit here and wait again and see what happens next.  All I know is that I am horney as hell and craving human touch.  But since I have to cross the hurdle of the herpes talk at some point, I am trying not to get too into him yet....but good god, I wake up thinking about him, think about him all day, and he's the last thing on my mind before I drift off to sleep.  I don't know what happened to me....but crap I got it bad!
~S~

~Dim the lights~

She burned white hot and beamed with life

But this light would only cause her strife

Blinded by her radiant glow

Friends and lovers became her foe

One by one, her flames they snuffed

Until she’d finally had enough

She broke free to light her fire

To find the love she doeth desire

But yet again she burns too bright

Shameful should she dim her light

Look at yourself before you demand

She’ll light the way of your darkened land

Stay in the dark or follow along

But do not silence a brilliant song

~S~

I wrote this when I started thinking about how/why I intimidate men, people in general really, and the split second thought I had, that maybe I should dull it down a bit to stop scaring men away.  But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that is what I did in my marriage and with my friends for years....and look where it got me.  A dead soul.  So I decided I am going to just be ME and let the man who is strong enough to be MY man find me.  I know for my future, I want a man who is strong enough that I don't have to rule the world anymore.  A man so strong, he can be the soft place for ME to land.  I am a lot of woman to be around, and any man who can't handle it.....doesn't deserve me.  So, this big light of mine....I'm gonna let it shine!

~S~

Demons of My Past are starting to Haunt Me

Well I had an interesting weekend for sure.  Emotions started creeping up on me....and fast.  This is the first time in 19yrs I will not be with family for the holidays.  My ex's parents are in from Colorado and he asked for my son for Thanksgiving. It's also the first time in too many years to count, that "I" won't be the host slaving with love over a dead bird to create my world famous master piece......my gravy.  I hate to brag, but my gravy is out of this world.  Just pour it in a mug and enjoy!  But as the holiday is getting closer, it is hitting me hard.  I'm finding it hard to hold back the tears and I think it is starting to bleed into my single life.

So about Dan..... here's what happened.  Our mutual friends had a party and invited both of us.  Let me say that every one thinks we should be together and are going out of their way to try to make it happen.  Dan has expressed a liking to me, and I of him.  However, I think neither of us are truly "ready" for this as we are both going thru a divorce right now.  But none the less, there we were at this party, both of us nervous and self conscious to talk to each other.  We were both lively and chatty with everyone else at the party, but with each other..???.....Total Morons.  I was married for 19ys and he for 15ys, and it's only been a few months since both our separations.  He did ask a friend for my phone number a week ago, but I haven't gotten a phone call.....sooooo.  For the life of me, I can't "read" him, to get any reassurance if he likes me or is interested. All I can do is go on his actions......because they absolutely speak louder than words.  The fact is....he hasn't called....he hasn't asked me out.  PERIOD

The weird part for me is MY actions.  At first I was only semi interested, thinking about him...."ya he's good looking" but that was about it.  No serious thoughts in my head like I would just die if we didn't hook up somehow.  But he shows up to this party, wranglers, a nice cowboy shirt, his boots....a fresh haircut and goatee trim and DAMN.....he was kinda sexy....and all of a sudden.....the tables turned on me.  All of a sudden.....now I am really interested....REALLY.....and got tongue tied.  I saw Dan the cowboy man in a whole new light....and that's when the demons grabbed a hold of me.

Now all of a sudden I feel absolutely inferior.  I feel like I'm not good enough and once he gets to know me he will change his mind about me.  All those demons my ex put in my head about how I'm no good and everything is my fault, are flooding me all at once.  And the dreaded herpes demon of course.  Like how could a great guy want a woman with herpes?  Even though I know better, even though I know how great I am and that there are plenty of men who don't care about herpes, I can't stop it from invading my mind. So now I find myself crying at the drop of a hat.....like somehow Dan the cowboy man is the only man alive.  I keep telling  myself that he is in fact NOT the only man alive and keep trying to shake these feelings, but I'm finding it so hard and wondering.....why now?  Why are these feelings coming up now?  I have been fine since the day I kicked my husband out.  I have talked to many men, dated a few, had sex with a few....it never bothered me before.  WHY NOW?  My best friend said that it's because I see a potential for happiness and not just a "good time"...and I agree.....since that potential for happiness....also comes with the potential to actually be hurt....which is most likely the leading fear.  NOT a fear of happiness....but a fear of pain.  Pain of rejection.

So I can totally get that Dan is afraid of rejection, because I can almost guarantee that my fear of the same rejection far outweighs his.  Kind of seems self centered and arrogant that I would think my fear is greater than his.  For all I know....he has herpes too and is going through the same damn thing.  I mean REALLY....how do I know?

Regardless of my "feelings".....my actions will be that of aloofness....none of it matters.....if he doesn't pick up the damn phone and CALL me....then that is HIS loss.

~S~

Cowboy Man Dan

So let me tell you about Dan…..Dan the “cowboy man”.  A couple months ago I was at a horse event with my friends and updating them as to my current “single” status.  I had noticed this one guy at the event and thought he was good looking and mentioned to my friends that he is a one in a million guys my own age that I actually found attractive.   As I have stated before, I tend to be attracted to younger men….rather creeped out by older men. 

So after the event we had a potluck and Dan sat at my table and took his sunglasses off.  Right then I realized I knew him and we discovered that not only had we worked together 20ys ago, but that we had gone out on a few dates as well.  He quickly mentioned this to mutual friends, but did really say if he was interested in me at this time.  Well, a few weeks ago I attended another event and he was there.  We ended up talking for a few hours, both during the potluck and a couple hours after as well.  I needed to leave to get my kid, yet he kept teasing me to stay.  I thought he might be interested, yet he didn’t ask me out.  We are both going thru the divorce process and quite honestly, neither of us are ready for a serious relationship.  I thought little more about it until my friends called me up to go on a trail ride with them last weekend.  Of course I agreed.  Not only would I have a great ride with friends, but Dan was going to be going as well.  Despite the fact that I got hurt falling off my horse, I still enjoyed the day. 

After the ride we had a picnic lunch and when Dan and Mike left to do something, Judy quickly told me that Dan asked about me, mentioned he wanted to ask me out, but that he was afraid of rejection.  I told Judy to tell him that I am interested and he should ask me out, but not in a way that he thinks I am expecting him to ask me out and anxiously awaiting it.  I told her that I didn’t want him to feel any pressure.  So Later after I left, he asked Judy what I said….she told him to ask me out and do you want to know what that wimp said?  He said “I’m not ready”…..WTF !!?!!

Why is he asking all these damn questions if he isn’t “ready”?  So I asked a guy friend at work as to why this might be as I just don’t get it.  My friend said that it is different going thru a divorce for a man than a woman.  That they are afraid they are more likely to have the ex try to screw them if they start dating too soon.  He also said, in general, he is likely afraid of rejection as 70-80% men are, and that by asking if I was interested, he probably thought I wasn’t, hoped I wasn’t….as then there was nothing for him to do than go on his merry way…….BUT…..once he found out that I am interested….NOW…..it’s an “oh crap” moment…..”oh crap…now what?...What do I say? What if she really isn’t interested?” and thus….retorting…….”I’m not ready”. 

But Still….So my friend told me to just be patient and see what happens.  I told him that is exactly what I intend to do.  No Rush, No Hurry, No Worry…….

We’ll see, only the future will tell.

~S~

Plenty of Fish in the Sea.....DEAD fish that is...

There may be "plenty of fish in the sea"

But they aren't online...

Goodbye online dating….for good.  You served a purpose and served it well.  You got my feet wet in the world of dating after being out of the scene for 20ys.  You brought me some real characters and I learned a lot from your interesting ways…..but it’s over.  I’m breaking up with you.  Not one of the men you provided me was a quality man with normal social skills.  Well maybe man #25, but still….he’s not “the one”.  I’m a living breathing creature with above average social skills and I’m kind of cute too, just not photogenic.  I don’t know if my pics portray me in a way that only certain men are drawn to me online, or if that is just what is “available” on line.  My best friend explained that the “free” sites have less serious men.  So maybe someday I might try Match.com or Eharmony…..but for now, it is just me and the real world filled with real men.  Men whom I can tell instantly if we have mutual attraction and then we can go from there.  Not the way it has been, talking to an investing time in a bunch of men who went no where.  I am not bitter, don’t get me wrong….we just are not compatible, you and I.  No more pervy penis pics, no more begging for pics of me naked, no more social morons, no more!  I may get a little bored…but that’s ok.  It’s just motivation to get out there and find those men in the grocery store…like the butcher who remembers me every time I come in now.   Not to mention….Dan the cowboy…..until next time…..arrivederci  POF and OKC…..I’m bouncing!

~S~

Online dating: Men #18-24

Ok, so there has been a whole lot of action, going all of about no where for a while.  Here's the update:

Man #18  was an arrogant womanizing PIG. I befriended him just to get the "male pig" perspective.  He actually told me that he joined POF simply to fuck away the memory of a "hot chick" that sucked dick like a porn star.  I seriously don't know from what planet he thought a woman, even a friend, would want to hear that shit...but he blurted it out.....  SO, I started asking questions.  Asked why he wanted to go out with a woman who didn't "suck" very good?  Being that he stated he could not get off any other way.  Things like that.  It was quite insightful to talk to a man who seemed to genuinely not like women.  Most of them he called "bitch" by default. I have encoutered men who like sex more than relationships before, but none of them seemed to think so lowly of women as he does.  Most of them LOVE women, just don't want to be in relationships.

Man #19 is from a long time ago and actually lives about 400 miles away.  I almost drove down to see him, but decided I was just not desperate enough to do so....so he is on the back burner as emergency plan B.  Should I find myself horny with no available options and in a state of despair.....I just might make the pilgrimage.

Man #20 was a little too boring for the conversation to get off the ground and into a date.  We just faded away. 

Man #21.....OMG....what a freak show.  At first things were going great, we talked and he seemed "normal" so we decided to meet that friday.  Then he started getting carried away with sex talk.  I told him that I was uncomfortable with the subject until after we meet.  So instead of dropping it, he started making inuendo's toward sex.  Being a very horny woman, I went along with it even though I had this nagging feeling.  He also during this sex talk, kept refering to me as "her/she".  Seems that often, i have discovered, that many men feel the need to "sell" themselves sexually....in order to get a date.  It was in his "pitch" that he would make the reference.  "SHE is always pleased"...."I'm always gentle with HER"........how wierd is that?  As the weekend drew near, I became increasingly unsetteled.  Then Friday afternoon I was asked out by man #15.....finally.  So I said yes and cancelled on man#21.  While at first this might seem cruel or self serving....in the end it was a blessing in disguise.....despite the kharma related ending it had for me....which I will get to in a minute.  So when I told man#21 that my ex was not picking up my kid (the excuse given for cancelling) he freaked out and said he HAD to see me....THAT night and frantically asked for my address....home address.  I told him that I don't have men over at my house on a first date or when my kid is home.  He insisted and asked if I could come out to the street or something.  He went on and on about how disapointed he was, that "I" knew how much he was looking forward to meeting me.  I knew instantly what that "nagging" feeling I had been having was about, and it was THIS.  I knew he was going out of town the next day, yet the next morning he tells me that his trip was cancelled and could I meet him that night.  I told him I already had plans for the evening that I could not get out of.  And with that, I never heard from him again.  WHEW!!!.....but as for the date I accepted to cancel on this guy.......read on.....

Man#15......We had been messaging on and off for about a month and it finally progressed to the point of a date.  Mind you, I didn't instigate this date, nor did I suggest it.  He always appeared to be a nice and respectful man and we had great conversations online.  He asked me to meet him that night, I said yes and we decided to meet in the middle.  about a 40 min drive for each of us.  We texted right up to the point where I was pulling into the town in question when he cancelled saying he got a call that his kid was sick and he had to go get her.  He seemed genuinely upset that he couldn't make it.....and I havn't heard from him since.  So how is that for kharma?  I get stood up by the guy who I stood up another guy for.  Kharma....she's a bitch!

Man#22....This is a WTF? kind of guy.  Ya know....one that I am REALLY attracted to, he says the same thing....and poof.....vanished into thin air before it ever got started.  Damnit!!!

Man#23....he was a cutie, we talked on the phone, he seemed sweet and normal.  We were texing alot, sent a few pics and whamo......"I want to lick your Ass"......That was also during the week with the other freak....so I just never replied to the text.  He sent me a few more that I didn't reply to.  He got the hint and left me alone.

That was a few weeks of my life I'll never get back.  But I learned some valuable lessons.  Number ONE...is to listen to my gut....the pervs just give off signals...I clearly have a radar for it....so I need to listen to it.  At this point I am thinking.....I am done with online dating.  Just have to play out the last two guys I'm chatting with first.  Regardless of the outcome....I'm pretty sure online dating isn't for me.

~S~

Feast or Famin....it's a buffet at the moment! Men #18-#23

Well, alot has gone on since Vacation man (#17) And just when I thought I couldn't do any "better" than the crap that I was snagging.....my fishing net pulls up a bounty to choose from.  Finally....Though most could still be crap, to soon to tell.  However, I have yet another sexual dilema.  There is this hot guy (#21) that, well I am not attracted to for "dating" but.....he promises to be a full night of passion. (don't they all?)  Back to the "can't beat 'em-join 'em"....with this one.  Vacation man got me frustrated big time....and I need it like a crack ho needs her pipe.  I have a few others dangling on the line, that are possibly willing to not view me as just a sexual object.

#18...Mr. Shallow, is a real Local guy, who we are just "friends"...fine by me, he is NOT my type personality wise....in any way shape or form, and he aint good looking enough to be as shallow as he is.

 #19...The puruvian Lover, is a guy who'm we've been texting as friends since April.  He lives so far away that despite our mutual attraction...It really is just too far away.  But, we've been talking about finally meeting.....we'll see. 

#20...Mr Nice.  This is a new development, he's a correctional officer, we'll see if this goes anywhere.  I think I might be too much for him.

#21...The Assyrian Lover I spoke of above....he may be too much for me...LOL

#22...Mr. Libra, another new development, my heart is pounding....I really want to meet this one.....REALLY

#23...Mr. Flip that chick~POF~pending

#4....showed back up and thinks he deserves a second chance to stand me up again....

Hmmm...could my whole thought process be wrong?

So I've been thinking a bit after "vacation man", and how for all intents and purposes, we were not THAT compatable as far as conversation goes...I doubt I could have dated him as he kind of had that "old fart" vibe to him....and honestly I was not really "into" him physically either.  But when he planted that first kiss on me, and it was soooooo damn good....I wanted more.....and it was the steamiest make out session I have had in decades.  I felt like a kid again, yet not, because I am old enough and wise enough to not feel like I was being a "bad girl".  I love kissing....love Love LOVE....kissing...with someone good anyways.  I could and have, done it for hours.

Anyways, not that I feel like I made a serious mistake with the men I have met and disqualified, I do wonder about my screening process....in the looks department.  Not the obvious way out there kind of "not attracted"...but the "almost, but no cigar" kind of not attracted....

I wonder if guys I have dismissed based on some minor superficial looks stuff, which felt like deal breakers at the time, if they planted a hot and steamy kiss on me....would I feel different.  This would either apply to sexual encounters only...at first glance....and if the personality is there....for ongoing dating as well. 

 So what should I do, when confronted with a guy who I'm not particularly attracted to, for minor things, not major differences, should I just go in for the kiss and see how it makes me feel?  Rather than the "blow off" I  have been doing?  And if the answer is yes, should I be even LESS judgmental and superficial and give man #16 a chance, despite his rather large size?  I do find him enjoyable to spend time with.  His face is cute, and he is really sweet and respectful aside from the sizing ME up.....should I?  Afterall he IS a Capricorn.....and not suppose to be compatible with my Libra tendancies.  What should I do....he's asked me out again?

~S~

Complete Sexual Frustration!!!! Vacation Man #17

OMG, I think I may just rape someone. So Friday night, I met this guy on vacation from Wisconsin. We made out hot n heavy, and it was the kind of making out you can only dream of. It was soooo HOT, so sensual, so passionate, so good…I couldn’t stop myself….and neither could he. We did however stop short of actually having sex. Not exactly my idea, because it was soooo good, I would not have cared if I was a slut. Seriously…how many opportunities for mind blowing sex really come anyone’s way…much less mine? I’m sooooo freaking turned on and frustrated now, I have no idea what the hell I am going to do. It’s like eating one scoop out of a banana split….who the hell wants to do that? You want to eat the whole thing. Taste all the flavors rolling over your tongue. You know eating the whole thing is bad for you, but it tastes so damn good, that you can’t resist being sinfully bad. You try to be good, but you get high on the delectable sweetness and want to ravish every last morsel. God that guy could kiss. Rarely in my life have I ever made out with someone as good a kisser as me….but when I do…..holy shit…it makes me a complete lunatic and I can’t stop from going all the way. And who better for a one night stand, than a guy on vacation? Damn…where’s a good motel when you need it?

~S~

Are you Kidding me? Really? Man #16

I just have to get this off my chest, or ass, or what ever fucking body part you men are focusing on.  When you say in your online profile that you are a BIG guy but proportioned...and show up with a gut the size of a keg....THAT is NOT proportionate!  No matter how fucking tall you are.  So when you show up to a first meeting with a chick who is disproportionately better looking than you, you have ALOT of nerve judging HER in any manner.  Dude's....seriously?  I think I am totally bailing on the whole online dating thing.  I'm just not cut out for it.  I'm not a cold hearted bitch and I don't have the heart to say...."I'm sorry....you're just too big".  I'm new at the dating thing anyways, so I know I have to get better at speaking my mind that "we are just not a good fit".  I'm such a fucking woosie in this department.  I hate to hurt anybody's feelings. And it's part of my growth to be able to stand up for myself and speak my mind.  He was sweet, respectful and fun to be around, and I honestly enjoyed his company....But good God..... he would smother me....literally.  Many things snap under too much weight....twigs, swings, bridges, buildings....and believe it or not..... 5'2" women! I know it will come off as shallow or superficial....but I don't even care anymore.  Especially when you are sizing ME up like a used car.  Like you are actually going to find a used Lexus with every option available with only 10K miles for a measly $2K.  Go ahead and kick my tires bro, just don't be surprised when you go to turn me on and my battery is dead! 

Yet again, I have to look in the mirror and evaluate that "black widow" status.  Fuck! I hate when people call me out on something I don't like, and after careful observation it just might be true.  But in my deffense on yet another man whose blood I appear to have sucked on....this guy was BIG.  And all I hear about is how 'women' lie about thier weight and show up to a first meeting a hundred pounds bigger than expected.  Well, guys do it too....and I feel sorry for all of us 'honest' 'open' 'forthecoming' people who have to find a way to tactfully wiggle our ways out of it.  I just can't wait to hear all my girlfriends say "I told you so".....bitches!  I'm never going to be able to live this whole thing down.  Anyone have a good rock I can crawl under?

Then there is this 27yo that I have been chatting with from OKCupid and all he has on his mind is sex.  sex, Sex, SEX.  Gotta cut the line on this little fishy too, even though he is cute....because if he asks me one more fucking question about my body, I'm going to blow my own fucking brains out. On what planet do horny little boys (yes I'm calling all you immature 20somethings BOYS) think that a mature woman, cougar on the hunt or not, wants to be asked every lewd question there is to be asked about her body?  I'm about to just post my stats on my profile, so I don't ever have to be asked those questions again.....

SWF seeks NORMAL ..SWM,  5'2" blonde hair, size 16 (for real) smoldering blue eyes, 42-32-49.  I shave daily....every where a man would hope that a woman would, my nipples get hard when I'm cold, my ass is fucking fantasic in my thong, I sleep in the nude, occasionally masterbate, and yes...I want to have mind blowing sex....sometimes even on the first date.  Fuck it....there!  I said it...so don't fucking ask! 

Seriously, if these are my options, I'm just going to go get drunk and fuck the next good looking thing to hit on me at the bar,  because none of these men have been worth it....and I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that I can and will do better than this in person.  Time to get out of the house and go talk to that hot single butcher at the grocery store that flirted with me.

ARGGGG

~S~

I joined a Gym....ME....in a Gym...seriously!

It's not as though I have never seen the inside of a gym, nor worked out.  It has just been a couple of decades since that was the case.  Last time I was seriously fit was before I had my son 14ys ago.  I had a rock hard body and worked out 7 days a week.  My calves were literally harder than steel.  I was also 145lbs and a nice size 8.  It's all been seroiusly downhill since then. Living the sedentary life of motherhood and loads of infertility pills, then a serious car accident and then shredding my knee...have all left me a goshy size 16 at 200lbs.  I carry it well, but still...it's got to go!

After my sexcapades with Josh a couple weeks ago, I could tell my knee was causing stiffness and that I should get myself a bit more flexible and drop a few lbs.  I had a moment of conviction yesterday and called the gym.  It's pretty sad that I never knew what a discount I get working for the government and how cheap it was going to be.  A measly $5.50 a week.  While I was joining, the general manager who was signing me up, was clearly taken aback by me....and I didn't even have any make up on.  Why can't guys I'm attracted to act like this?  Knowing that it is against the rules to date members of the club, he couldn't act on it, but he sure was "acting on it"...LOL....poor guy couldn't even speak at one point.  He mentioned a number of times what a fun person I seem like and cautioned me against dating men.  UM....NOT!  And when he tried to get me to take my membership photo and I refused, he mentioned a time or two that I looked great.  It's nice to know I have this effect on men, as it happens quite often that grown men throw themselves at me like I'm some ancient goddess to be worshiped.  'Eh, it's nice to feel that way from time to time....so what can I say....I turn it on pretty thick and torture the hell out of them.

So now that I am signed up, I have a date tonight with man #16 and am going shopping for work out clothes tomorrow, and hitting the gym with a personal trainer sat morning.  I will be enrolling in the Piloxing class (kick boxing/pilates) and the Belly Dancing class.  This ought to complete my Bad ASS Goddess training and with a little luck, I will feel better, look better and Rock it even harder between the sheets.

~S~

The Dating Journey

We all have a place where we know we're supposed to be.  Where we know we need to be. Where we know we have to go.  And that place is being a mentally and emotionally healthy individual with as little baggage as possible, so we can have healthy relationships.  Generally speaking it's a long journey maybe 500 miles, and for some of us, it's thousands of miles away. 

Just like a physical journey, this journey in our mind, it's the journey that matters more than the destination.  There's three ways to get there: walk, drive, or fly. You can walk there, but it's going to be so slow and take so long, that chances are you're going to die before you ever get there. Because you're not going fast enough to get to those moments where you can really learn about yourself because youre staying in one place too long.  Or you can fly there... Tell your self you are going to just act and behave like this healthy person everyone is telling you that you're suppose to be.  You may get there right away, but youre just fooling yourself into thinking that you took the journey, just because you went "somewhere". But the reality is, that you missed everything along the way. Flying high above it, seeing nothing in detail and learning nothing about the things that you passed by so quickly. When you get there, you actually feel a little bit lost, because you don't know yourself or this person you are acting like.  You basically didnt earn it.  Or... you can drive. As you take this journey, when you see something interesting you can actually pull over take a look at it.  Investigate it, enjoy it, learn from it, get back in the car and continue on your journey. You're moving fast enough that you'll actually reach your destination, but not so fast that you miss anything along the way.

Were all screwed up in some way. We all know what the healthiest best version of ourselves should look like.  Just because we know it, just because someone tells us how and who to be,  doesn't mean we can just be it. We HAVE to take that journey, we HAVE to learn about ourselves along the way.  We can't just "be there". 

I'm learning that dating, just like anything else in life, really is about the journey.... not the destination. Sure I'd love for the man of my dreams to show up tomorrow and allow me to live happily ever after. But I know if he did show up tomorrow, I probably fuck it up beyond all repair, because I'm not done with my journey.  I'm not even close.  I haven't learned enough about myself, so that I'm ready for him when he does show up. But does that mean I shouldn't date people because I'm not ready for "the one"?

I know were all out here trying people on to see if they are a good fit.  We're learning more about ourselves with each person we try on. Along the way for me, each man that I meet, I truly enjoy the experience of him.  Even if it is a disaster.  I really pay attention to what he's giving me, even if it's not the right thing for me, and even if it wasn't his intention. I learn from it and I take that experience with me into the future.  The more I date and the more that I experience, the better woman I become. Someday I am going to meet Mr. right. And when that day comes, I hope that my journey has been full enough and rich enough that I'm ready for him.  Let's face it, we will never actually reach our "destination".  None of us will ever be "baggage free".  I just hope that when Mr. Right comes along, I've reduced my load to a small carry on, with as little trash in it as possible.

And despite the fact that it may be "taboo" to talk about sex or to have sex, sex IS important. Sex is what takes a friendship and turns it into that romantic "something special".  It's the one thing you can't do with your mother, your brother or any other type of loving relationship. It's the one thing that makes romantic love spectacular, unique, exclusive to just that ONE person.

So maybe sometimes I may sleep with someone too soon or maybe sometimes I might be too afraid to have sex or maybe sometimes we just come together at the right place at the right time and sex is all we have in common.  So what?! It is still about sharing an experience with someone, and hopefully, more often than not, it is a good experience.  I hope that somewhere out there is a man for me, that cannot only be my best friend, but also share with me the most amazing mind blowing sex.  To some extent, from time to time, I will waste my time or someone else's time, trying to spare one or both of us  hurt feelings down the road, by having sex NOW to see if it's "there". Because if it's not, I need to move on.  Unfortunately for some men, sex IS that important to me.  And from what I understand, for most men it's a very important thing for them too.  I really hope we can steer clear of the stereo typical double standard. That sex can be important for a man and they complain all the time that it's not important enough for a woman. Because here I am, a woman that sex is very important to me, I'm open and honest enough to be able to admit that, so I shouldn't be crucified for being the thing that most men complain that women are not. 

I don't know exactly what it is about me that gives off the sexual or sensual energy that makes men view me solely as a sex object though.  I don't say sex object lightly. "Object" is exactly the word that were talking about. As though I have no mind, no heart and no soul.  Treated strictly as the object of a man's desire to fulfill one, and only one of his needs. As though I'm just some materialistic thing with no emotions and don't deserve to be treated with respect, while they fulfill that need through me.  So YES I'm going to be picky, a man is going to have to treat me with respect.  And through that respect, will open the door to the sexual being that he wants in the first place. I don't think that's too much to ask to not be treated like a slut or a whore. To be treated like a human being and a woman who has more to herself than carnal sexual desires and needs.  And if the man can be mature enough, you know, an actual bona fide adult, there's no reason why there can't be consensual sex and enjoy each other.  Enjoy everything about each other.  Mind, spirit and body.  Sometimes it's going to work out and maybe there might be a connection to where we can spend time together and enjoy each other's company for more than just one night. And sometimes it's just going to be that one night. Sometimes I'm going to get my feelings hurt, wanting more out of it than the man does.  And guess what?  Yes... sometimes the man is going to get his feelings hurt, because he wants more out of it than I do. That's just the way it's going to have to go.  Historically men think of women as clingy, needy and emotional... when the woman is the one who wants more. Yet here we are and when it's the man all of a sudden, the woman is some kind of black widow, man eating monster, just using a man and being unfair and cruel.  I'm sorry boys you can't have your cake and eat it too.

Life is just life.  Sex is just sex.  A fuck is just a fuck.  And hopefully somewhere in all those experiences....a connection will be made that can't be broken.  Two people will both at the same time, find the one they can't live with out....when they are both ready.

~S~

Sex, Love and Astrology for this Libra Woman

"Justice is female because she IS the Goddess.  She is all and everything, and Her law, that of nature, cannot be broken and must be obeyed by every living creature.  She is the restorer and the maintainer of order and harmony.  She is Wisdom, She is Karma, She is Love....And Libra is Her sign."
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I'm about as perfect an example of a Libra woman if ever there was one.  I'm as good a judge as any, as I know many Libra women.  While all of us are alive with the basic traits....strong sense of fairness, difficulty making decisions, social butterflies, supurb conversationalists, stong sense of justice...yada yada....I seem to be the one who shines the brightest as an embodyment of ALL the Libra traits.  Honestly, they should just put my picture next to the definition.  I've been thinking hard about astrology and the men I have made contact with in my life.  So I want to keep track of how I get along with different signs, and how well the men I meet or know, compare to thier astrological signs definintion, and how we fare against the prediction of a coupling.

As I write or tinker with my POF online profile....I have noticed a trend.  Different aspects of my profile seem to attract men from differing signs.  It seems like when I make a change toward one direction, all of a sudden Libra's are checkin me out. Make another change in another direction and I get a bunch of hits from Scorpio's....lather rinse repeat....cancers hit me up.  You get the idea.   Lately....it's the capricorn man.  I have to say with all honesty, I believe in this stuff, as my experiences lately are proving it to be nothing short of hard cold facts.

Such as, the proposition that a Libra woman-Capricorn man coupling, is nothing short of disasterous.  I have to say that I whole heartedly agree.  I'm quite literally thinking of not wasting my time even chatting with a another cappy man ever again, no matter how fucking fine he may be.  They drive me insane.  I don't think there is a sign out there that can screw up a libra womans balance better than a cappy man.  They perfectly set me up on a high that I love being on, then they knock me off balance so hard, my head is spining and I'm stunned trying to figure out what the fuck just happened.  I am able to be good freinds with them, and can handle thier "tell it like it is" persona on that "friend" level.  But the second there is a romantic thought in my head, my emotions cannot handle the sting of thier tongue.  They feel a great sense of entitlement to tell you how and where you are wrong, and how you could "do it better".  They also have the weirdest quirks in the sex department.  They are VERY guarded with thier emotions and they are very good at ACTING like they are open about everything.  But the truth is, they can barely kiss without getting thier feelings hurt.  They can fuck like rabbits, but they do it like Julia Roberts in "pretty woman"..no kissing on the lips, as that is too "personal".  So I think I am totally and completely done with Cappy's no matter how intruiging they are in the beginning.

Another sign that I am thinking will not be a good pairing is the Virgo man.  Also known far and wide as a critical being and his name was "my husband" for many years.  Unfortunately, so is man #11 a Virgo, so trust me, my eyes are wide open.  But since this is strickly a FWB sexual relationship, I think we are gonna be ok in that department.  I already know, conversationaly we are not exactly Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers....But I think if we just focus on the "benifits"...there will be little to worry about.

Soooo, I am looking into the signs that I am suppose to be the most compatible with.  And they are, in this order: Gemini (this would be my owen, who quite literally could be my soul mate....just not available to me) Aquarius (the guy I got along great with over coffee a week ago but wasn't physically attracted to) Sagittarius and Leo.   But Man#7 was a Gemini too.....so...I'm definately going to be keeping track.

The ones that come in a close second, and could, maybe, be a good fit....would be....Libra and Taurus.

Now the ones that there is supose to be serious hard core attraction but not sustainable as a relationship are Pisces, Scorpio and Aries....  And least likely to make a match, unless it is a match striking a wild fire..... would be of course...the Cappy and the Virgo and Cancer.

In the end, this all could be a total load of crap, with no rhym or reason.  That is why I intend to get to the bottom of this.
~S~

I'm a "Man Eater" ??

That's right, I was accused of being a "man eater".....lil 'ole harmless me.  Why? You ask.  Because I had the audacity to sleep with 2 whole men, in the 'love 'em and leave 'em" fashion that men are so accustom to torturing us women with on a daily basis.  But I thought long and hard about the accusation, wondering if there may infact be some truth to it.  So I decided to check my stats and share.  I'll let y'all be the judge.  Keep in mind I have only been single for 9 weeks.  Well actually 4.5 months, but only free to do as I please for 9 weeks.  And because I am pretty much living in the moment, not the past, and barely the near future....I tend to forget how much of what I have done, has added up to.

Since I joined POF, (plenty of fish)  8-19-12.  (The following stats are POF only, not Tagged) Since then, I have made first contact to roughly 100 men.  Less than 10% replied.  Men have made first contact with me roughly 30 times. I have had conversations with 42 men in 6 weeks.  Many of them complete pervs, or men I am just flat out not attracted to.  Another good chunk of them, the conversation just goes no where, and either I or they stop messaging out of sheer boredom.  I have been asked out on real live dates by 5 men.  2 stood me up, 1 I was not attracted to, 1 the date in question was too far off and I forgot about him and kind of blew him off since he did not keep contact with me, and the 4th is man #8.  I have been asked out for a quick meet-n-greet by 4 men, and I have invited 1 to meet me.  2 are pending for next week, 1 flaked and bailed before the meet when the conversation turned sexual and his mind could not be swayed otherwise, and one just asked me today so we are working out details now.  And then there is Man #11.  Catagory: sexual only, hook up only, he'd better blow my mind!  Have to wait to meet him as I have plans this weekend for my birthday.  We are planning on hooking up next weekend. 

So I made a list....of all the men I have either met in person, or at least scheduled a meeting regardless of outcome, and the ones I have pending.  I was a little shocked at the results...14 and counting.  Crap, that sounds like alot for a 9 week period.  If you were to have asked me, the number in my mind was more like 8.  I have heard from other women that it has taken them months to get ONE meeting out of POF.  I'm not so sure I can catagorize myself as a "man-eater", but I think I am going to have to accept the fact that I am deffinately a "player"...probably a high stakes one as well.  Hmmmm Cyber Slut-O-Rama for sure, if you count the hundreds of men I have talked to online on tagged over the last 6 months. But none of those, ok well a few of them, did I ever have intentions of meeting...it was just a "sexy friend" flirting kind of thing.  So now that I am on POF, I can say, this is NOT my first internet rodeo, but my intentions have changed since I slowed my playing on tagged.  I would realy like to meet someone steady, with sex on the side.....someone whom I truly enjoy his company.  But I'm so sure I'm ready for that.  We shall see.  I'm just learning as I go.  Learning about men, myself, and dating.  And god I need to get laid soon. Laid GOOD.
~S~

What this woman thinks about during sex.

So I was reading David Wygant's blog for woman (you should really check it out) and he posed a thought and a question.  He laid his cards on the table for what he is thinking of during sex....and then asked what we woman are thinking.  The call to action was far too strong to resist and away my fingers went a typing.  When done, I figured my reply was worthy of pasting here.....so without further adieu....here is what I am thinking when it comes to sex....

Well it seams no one else is brave enough to speak up, so I will.  What do I think about during sex?…omg…a million things.  When I was with my husband (20ys), things were not very good, so my primary thought was usually….”god I wish his ego could handle me telling him this sucks.”…..“Please let it stay hard long enough”……“oh, that again?  yawn” and “Please, oh god, please hurry up”…I think that explains my marriage.  So yes, I have had sex to shut him up.  To shut up his incessant whining about not getting enough, despite the fact I am covered in baby shit.

But now that I am single, I find many other things going thru my mind.  I’m a woman, so of course there is always a self conscious thought or two zipping thru my brain.  Like…”what does that face mean?”….”omg he thinks I’m fat” or “I hope he is enjoying this and I’m not the worst he’s ever had”  But usually I am just thinking things like….”oh god I hope he is brave enough to take me like an animal, yet kind enough to not to take it too far”.

I always want to be a bit nastier than I want to be perceived and hope that my little clues are picked up on and he is man enough to take me where I secretly want to go, yet letting him be the man by not telling him.  Sometimes I want Conan to drag me by my hair and toss me around, and other times I want to be caressed like an angel….and sometimes there is only a few seconds between those two desires.  If only men COULD read my mind.

I often, too often unfortunately, have to wish that men’s ego’s, ie: hard ons, could handle a wee bit of instruction or guiding.  I guess my fear is that if I speak my desires or discomfort, that his ego will think that I think he’s not good enough, big enough, thick enough or man enough….(what ever men’s neurosis’ are) and that it will end quicker than it started.

Sometimes I just want to get it on like donkey kong, and I don’t care if it’s a first date. Other times I hold back because I really don’t want to be treated like a woman who ‘can/will’ sleep with someone on the first date.  So many men totally blow getting lucky because they treat me like I’m a sex object, when I am not acting like one.  And I could have been that very thing for them, IF they had just treated me with respect and passion.  Instead they turn me off and get booted out the door before they even knew what hit them in the ass. 

Some men, but only a few, have the charisma and respect for me….. to take me right where I am DYING to go.  Granted, now we are not really talking about forming relationships here….but even when we are….I am always DYING to have a real man take me “there”.  I don’t mind being conquered when done with respect...but often I am the aggressor and I like that too.  I like when a man plays a little hard to get….but teasing and goading me into taking HIM where HE wants to go. 

I also love it when I can get him to think….that HE caused his idea to become my idea….so he can walk away feeling like he is so masculine and sexy that he caused a real “good girl” to go real, REAL bad.  That is probably one of my favorites because I think it is obvious just how much I love the yin and yang of seduction.  Nothing turns me on more than the tension of desire during that dance.  So I hate it when men fuck it up by being so damn direct.  I’m screaming in my head…”shut the fuck up and tease me you jack ass…and the world will be your oyster”. 

But mostly, my hope, desire and thought, is to share myself fully, heart-soul-body and experience what my man has to share with me, be it for one night or a lifetime.  Thinking about how good I can make him feel.  Feel about me, what we are doing and feel about him self.  And If I can get him to say out loud….”oh my fucking GOD”, as if he has died and gone to heaven…..I feel like I’ve won the Olympics and I can fly and let loose even more.  I’m always hoping he will be vocal with his pleasure, because it fuels my bravado and I get REALLY into it.  And then all I am thinking is “yes, Yes….YES”

I love to tease my man, and do little things to make myself irresistible, so Conan has NO choice but to drag me back to his cave and blow my fucking mind! 

~S~

Dating in the Dark: Man #8

I don’t know why or how exactly, but the universe has brought me this man for a reason.  I don’t know if he is to be the love of my life, or the lesson of a lifetime.  I am feeling things I have never felt before, a feeling of safety and openness.  I’m terrified, yet somehow not afraid.  He can see right into me and can see thru all my bullshit.  He can see where I try to redirect him away from my feelings.  No one else can do that.  No one knows how I feel unless I want them to know.  But he can.  He knew I was hiding something.  He knew there was a road block holding me back, causing me to self sabotage.  Causing me to run away before I had to face some dark demon.  We talked for hours before I myself discovered it, before I myself put two and two together. Cliff hanger here, as I will get to this demon in a minute.

He is completely content to be able to wait to meet me in person.  He believes I am the one he has been searching for, and that there is no need to rush fate. I however, fear that when we meet in person that there will be no chemistry or god forbid he doesn’t look like his pics or has horrible breath or god only knows one of my lame little reasons for not connecting with someone.  I have such fickle taste…..but….. Is it due to this demon or should I give up on Online dating sites because I’m too fickle in person once we meet?  Who knows, but I think the demon might have something to do with it, on a very deep-seated subconscious level.  I’m thinking, that it is easier to find some superficial fault in a man, because he is not perfect; to avoid the pain of confessing this demon, than to have someone bail on me.  I guess I feel that the guy must be REALLY worth it, really perfect, to risk that kind of rejection.  Now, I have never had to confess this to anyone, even myself.  Like I said, my feelings are in the vault and I don’t give ANYone the combination.  But this man has picked the lock.  He kept trying to figure out what it was I was afraid of, helping me to figure it out and thus, when I figured it out, I felt compelled to just tell him. 

The perfect moment was upon me, I started to cry, he was patient and kind as I struggled to find the words.  Struggled for the courage to spit it out.  I whispered thru the tears….“I understand if you never want to talk to me again after I say this”  he reassured me tenderly “just tell me, I can handle it” …lots of attempted starts n stops and then I blurted “I have herpes” with the drama befitting a 16^th century play…and with that I felt as though I had thrown myself on the dagger.  Hurled myself into the sea without a life jacket.  Put the barrel in my mouth and pulled the trigger.  As I floundered, writhing in the absolute conviction of my impending doom, he touched me (figuratively) and relieved my self inflicted misery….”Oh Honey, so do I”……batting my eyelashes thru my tears ”what?….you do?”

I swear, the clouds parted, trumpets played, and angels started singing.  The biggest weight in the world had been lifted off my shoulders. And the serenity that washed over me was surreal.  This damn little incurable disease, had caused me to believe for 20ys that no one else on the planet would want me after my husband, no good man anyways, and that is one of the main reasons I stayed with him for 20ys.  My sole purpose for dating right now was to heal myself.  To learn and grow thru the experiences, good and bad, of each man I encounter.  Be it online, or in person.  The second this weight was lifted, I felt so light, like was literally floating above my bed.  He knew it, I didn’t have to speak this aloud, though he listened intently when I did.  So, after some deliberation in my head.  I have decided to wait to meet him.  To trust myself to freefall and still be OK, no matter what happens.

It reminds me of that reality dating show on tv. “dating in the dark”, where they put singles together in pitch blackness, and after a while of talking…or what ever else they end up doing, they each get to see the other from behind a one way mirror….then…they have a  predetermined meeting time on the balcony.  If both show up, great, they go from there.  But I often thought how sad, that some couples seemed to really like each other (in the dark that is), but one of them gets stood up on the balcony in the end.  While an awesome social experiment and interesting to watch, I often wondered what the results might be, if these couples who got along….got to do it for more than a half hour.  What if they dated in the dark for say two weeks.  An hour or so each day.  Possibly even wear ski masks and go outside on real dates, so this attraction to the mind is allowed to grow.  Would the results be different?  But here "I" am, picture in hand, voice in ear….we get along, I think he is cute…..and yet I am afraid to come out of the dark, into the light, see him for who he really is, and discover if I will meet him on the balcony.

For now all I know, is that I am waiting to meet him.  I’m going to follow his lead rather than try to control this thing.  Experience him, and what HE has to offer ME.  If what I have been doing all these years hasn’t worked, why the hell am I so afraid to let go, freefall, and try a different way?

So here I am world, Jumping and trusting I can fly.

~S~

Dating Profile Review: the Freaks come out on Sunday

New profile preliminary results

OK….so I looked over my emails, I save the ones of the men who clicked that they wanted to meet me, and here is what I noticed.  Keep in mind that my main profile pic has not changed, but the mini blurb half paragraph that shows up beneath it has.  I updated my profile yesterday, and in the last 24 hours 11 men have clicked “yes” to me.  Compared to the fact that it took the last 2 weeks to garner the same results.  Now this data is excluding men who just flat out messaged me, skipping that step.  So, I’m going to have to say that the preliminary results are good and I’m on to something.  With each experimental profile, it gets better and better.  Now I've also had a few more men actually message me.  

One of which is a little promising.  He's good looking, some one I definitely can see my self being attracted to, (first meeting surprises withstanding) and I don't think he's sooo pretty that he's out of my league.  Rather I think we are on an even playing field on that one.  We're suppose to talk on the phone this evening, so we'll see how that goes.  He's in the "sweet spot"  the perfect blend of "nice guy" meets "bad boy".  He's a bit of a flirt, but in a classy way and he has a good sense of humor.  Fingers crossed on this one.

Now, on to the freaks.  Sunday morning must be when all the good guys are at church or something, leaving all the pervs and weirdo's to run amuck on POF.  I've had 5 'meet me's" in the last couple hours alone, and 4 guys message me.  One for sex, one for a blow job, (those were some super hot cuties though) And two weirdo's one i had to block.  So while this new profile begets me the freaks again, I am getting more men I might be attracted to as well as the "nice guys" that I am not.  And let me clarify, it's not the nice guy personality i'm not attracted to, it's a physical thing that these particular 'nice guys' brought with them.

One i just told him that I am starting a relationship.  who's gonna argue with that?  He wished me luck and away he went, no hurt feelings.  I can live with that.

Anyways, I may need to tweak my profile to try to get the weirdo's to go leave me alone.  The last profile just about put a stop to that!  Need to now find a way to blend the two.

I'm not looking for a serious relationship, But I'm not looking for one night stands either.  I hope to find a guy that I enjoy his company, we hang out once or twice a week, have some great sex....and maybe down the road see where it goes.

Is that too much to ask?

~S~

His smell followed me home....UCK

After a drama filled evening with my friends, their drama not mine, I sat in my little court trying to back my horse trailer thru my gate in the dark.  Normally something I can do with my eyes closed, but there I sat shimmying side to side watching the gate post dance around laughing at me.  20 minutes of frustration and screaming with the windows up, finally I said "fuck it" and pulled in straight.  I quit smoking 3 days ago, and was grateful my ex left a single stale cigarette in the dash.  I lit it up and suckled on the devils air and felt much better.  But I knew  one stale cigarette was not going to ease this pms fest and thus headed to town for some drive thru and a stiff drink.

At burger king, there was a man sitting outside whom looked vaguely familiar.  I ordered my food, and feeling the need for another cigarette, so I sat with him and his friend.  I noticed his car which alerted me to exactly who he was.  The man whom I had half a fling with 3 yrs ago right after I caught my husband cheating.  I say half an affair as we never actually consummated the whole thing.  But damn can he kiss and suck a mean nipple! After some small talk, he says to me...."yes you know me".  I'd rather hoped he didn't recognize me, but apparently he did.  So we bantered about the things we remembered, kids, jobs....yada yada.  I mentioned that I was going to the range (the local watering hole) and he said that he was too.  Now I'm no stuck up bitch, nor do I think I'm better than anyone else....however...it does not....NOT...mean I want to date a loser.  No matter what setbacks a person goes thru in life is none of my concern, I wish them well and do not judge them if the fail to overcome them....However...I'm no meal ticket, sugar moma or dumb blonde.  I don't pay a mans way.  I don't mind paying my own way, but I'm not paying yours too.

When I finished eating, I got his number (he asked) and I left for the bar.  Where I came across a friend I made there a month or so ago.  It was his birthday and he was uber glad to see me.  I like him, he's cute, not exactly my type but ya never know, right?  So we drank and as always I made a ton of friends and had a few lurkers gazing upon my tailgate.  Which is quite "juicy" the men tell me.  We drank and talked and laughed and somewhere between drinks one and two, I mentioned matter of factly my need to get laid.  It was not a call to action, but again....hey....ya never know who might rock my drunken ass one of these days.   We got a good laugh out of it and then....his dancing, smiling eyes turned predator.  OOOPS...I unleashed the beast.  I guess in a small way, I subconsciously do this on purpose, even though I am fickle and quite picky in regards to men, so that I may know whom I can and can't turn on, and then choose from the results I get.  He figured since I had a hot date the next night, that I'd be giving it out then, why not he try to get some tonight.  He was cute about it, teasing me for the next hour or so.  When I left, I got a lingering peck on the lips.  I got a few tingles, and thought....hmmm....maybe I 'could' do this guy.

I walked out the door and was followed by another man, whom I was honestly more attracted to.  We'll call him "security man" as he was wearing a shirt that said "security" and for all I know he was the bouncer....but since I don't think they do have one.....I'll assume it was just a funny tee. This is where David Wygant is right on the money about men saying STUPID things to hit on woman.  I had seen this guy checking  me out, but I did NOT follow David's advice and give him encouragement.  Totally fucked it up.  I wasn't sure if he was really checking me out, or if I was in a drunken stupor imagining things. So, as any woman does late at night in a dark parking lot alone hearing footsteps behind her....I looked over my shoulder and paused for a half second to see who it was and if I was in danger. Which he took the opportunity to say, and I drunken quote....
"hey don't leave early, stay, maybe you can take home one of these young guys with ya later"

Now, I can't read morse code, and I can't read brail either, but if I take this guy at what he said, he wasn't quite talking about himself.  I said something witty, though I can't recall what, but I did pause long enough for him to get his shit together and offer himself up, if that was his desire.  I gave him a whole 30 seconds of my time to indicate interest.  He failed....I bailed.  Word to the single men out there....some women only give you 30 seconds, if YOU are interested and she's only half walking away....speak up fast cuz she paused...for YOU...because had I not been interested, he wouldn't have even gotten the 30 seconds.  Take a chance and just blurt it out....especially at a bar...for god sakes, we're all drunk and likely not to remember your dumb blunder in the morning.  Or at least be more forgiving of it as we analyze our own inappropriate behavior and if we ourselves looked like a Jack Ass. Now as for myself, I totally blew a real live opportunity to practice giving a man encouragement.  Damnit and my own self doubt!

I get home and the texts start rolling in from birthday boy.  About as 'hook up' talk only as it can get. I declined...politely as not to ruin my chances of an ace in the hole in the future.  He's local cute and aside from this evening, usually smells good.  So it was easy to decline this evening as I could still smell his BO on me as I lay there in bed.....UCK!
~S~

Is it false advertising to wear spanx?

Just curious.  I have thought about starting to wear dresses.  The last one I wore was my wedding dress 20ys ago.  While primarily comfort is my driving force when I shop for clothes, I’d like to dress a bit nicer for dates than my usual casual attire.  I’m a country farm girl and practicality and thriftiness are important to survival.  But it doesn’t mean this farm girl can’t look fabulous on a date right?  But then I got to the dressing room and was horrified at what starred back at me in the mirror.  It was not good, not good at all.  Of course I left the store with one little tank top, a cute shirt, and a nice little cotton jacket…but no dress.  I’d love to wear a tropical print maxi dress, but I would like my gut to not be the first thing myself or anyone else see’s.  I'm very self conscious of what carrying a child did to my stomach and would honestly love to get a tummy tuck.  I have a secret piggy bank for this and one day I hope to be able to get rid of it.  But until then.....

I heard of these great things called spanx on a Tori Spelling episode.  She was still trying to hide her pregnancy from the press and she had a red carpet event to go to.  Pregnant or not, she is still like a size 3 or something, so a little smoothing is just a teeny white lie.  I however am a size 16, a far cry away from super model actress for sure.  So then I got to wondering, ….if I wear these things under a dress on a date….is that false advertising?  At some point I don’t want to have to be peeled out of it like a banana, and have a cartoon “boing” sound in the background as my gut springs out from behind this thing….hardly a night of passion in my book. 

I found this picture of a man version of spanx, and I have to say that if I was presented with this I just might be horrified, if for some reason I was on a great date, things got hot and heavy, I rip off the guys shirt and find this little suprise waiting for me.  I hardly have this much to hide, but still would not want a man to react to me wearing one of these, as I might react if he were "spanking".

Ebay has some great deals, I think I am going to get one and see if even does hide anything and go from there.  Until then, I will have to keep comfortable in my cargo capri’s and cleavage bearing tanks. 

~S~