The Love Shack is Open for business....

After my first little kiss with Dan yesterday, I figured it was just time to bite the bullet and finish the last project in my bedroom to rid myself of all things that remind me of my ex.  Our curtains.  I purchased them over 3 months ago, but my curtain rods had pulled out of the wall over my bed.  It seemed like too big a DIY project to tackle, so I just procrastinated from there.  But yesterday was the kick in the ass I needed to move on.  So today I did the unthinkable and used power tools and made a big mess and got the job done.  It is just beautiful!  Shabby Chic like I always wanted but never got because everything was a compromise between mine and his taste, male and female energy.  The love shack may not see any sex for quite a while though as this is my sanctuary.  I walk in now and all I see is me.  I'm not so sure I am ready for  another mans presence in MY room.  It's hard to see the colors well in the pics as the light is bright coming through the window.  But you get the drift.  Who knows, maybe someday Dan will get to grace the walls of this room. One more thing and I am done.  new pretty sheets....yeah....more shopping!
~S~

Demons of My Past are starting to Haunt Me

Well I had an interesting weekend for sure.  Emotions started creeping up on me....and fast.  This is the first time in 19yrs I will not be with family for the holidays.  My ex's parents are in from Colorado and he asked for my son for Thanksgiving. It's also the first time in too many years to count, that "I" won't be the host slaving with love over a dead bird to create my world famous master piece......my gravy.  I hate to brag, but my gravy is out of this world.  Just pour it in a mug and enjoy!  But as the holiday is getting closer, it is hitting me hard.  I'm finding it hard to hold back the tears and I think it is starting to bleed into my single life.

So about Dan..... here's what happened.  Our mutual friends had a party and invited both of us.  Let me say that every one thinks we should be together and are going out of their way to try to make it happen.  Dan has expressed a liking to me, and I of him.  However, I think neither of us are truly "ready" for this as we are both going thru a divorce right now.  But none the less, there we were at this party, both of us nervous and self conscious to talk to each other.  We were both lively and chatty with everyone else at the party, but with each other..???.....Total Morons.  I was married for 19ys and he for 15ys, and it's only been a few months since both our separations.  He did ask a friend for my phone number a week ago, but I haven't gotten a phone call.....sooooo.  For the life of me, I can't "read" him, to get any reassurance if he likes me or is interested. All I can do is go on his actions......because they absolutely speak louder than words.  The fact is....he hasn't called....he hasn't asked me out.  PERIOD

The weird part for me is MY actions.  At first I was only semi interested, thinking about him...."ya he's good looking" but that was about it.  No serious thoughts in my head like I would just die if we didn't hook up somehow.  But he shows up to this party, wranglers, a nice cowboy shirt, his boots....a fresh haircut and goatee trim and DAMN.....he was kinda sexy....and all of a sudden.....the tables turned on me.  All of a sudden.....now I am really interested....REALLY.....and got tongue tied.  I saw Dan the cowboy man in a whole new light....and that's when the demons grabbed a hold of me.

Now all of a sudden I feel absolutely inferior.  I feel like I'm not good enough and once he gets to know me he will change his mind about me.  All those demons my ex put in my head about how I'm no good and everything is my fault, are flooding me all at once.  And the dreaded herpes demon of course.  Like how could a great guy want a woman with herpes?  Even though I know better, even though I know how great I am and that there are plenty of men who don't care about herpes, I can't stop it from invading my mind. So now I find myself crying at the drop of a hat.....like somehow Dan the cowboy man is the only man alive.  I keep telling  myself that he is in fact NOT the only man alive and keep trying to shake these feelings, but I'm finding it so hard and wondering.....why now?  Why are these feelings coming up now?  I have been fine since the day I kicked my husband out.  I have talked to many men, dated a few, had sex with a few....it never bothered me before.  WHY NOW?  My best friend said that it's because I see a potential for happiness and not just a "good time"...and I agree.....since that potential for happiness....also comes with the potential to actually be hurt....which is most likely the leading fear.  NOT a fear of happiness....but a fear of pain.  Pain of rejection.

So I can totally get that Dan is afraid of rejection, because I can almost guarantee that my fear of the same rejection far outweighs his.  Kind of seems self centered and arrogant that I would think my fear is greater than his.  For all I know....he has herpes too and is going through the same damn thing.  I mean REALLY....how do I know?

Regardless of my "feelings".....my actions will be that of aloofness....none of it matters.....if he doesn't pick up the damn phone and CALL me....then that is HIS loss.

~S~

Cowboy Man Dan

So let me tell you about Dan…..Dan the “cowboy man”.  A couple months ago I was at a horse event with my friends and updating them as to my current “single” status.  I had noticed this one guy at the event and thought he was good looking and mentioned to my friends that he is a one in a million guys my own age that I actually found attractive.   As I have stated before, I tend to be attracted to younger men….rather creeped out by older men. 

So after the event we had a potluck and Dan sat at my table and took his sunglasses off.  Right then I realized I knew him and we discovered that not only had we worked together 20ys ago, but that we had gone out on a few dates as well.  He quickly mentioned this to mutual friends, but did really say if he was interested in me at this time.  Well, a few weeks ago I attended another event and he was there.  We ended up talking for a few hours, both during the potluck and a couple hours after as well.  I needed to leave to get my kid, yet he kept teasing me to stay.  I thought he might be interested, yet he didn’t ask me out.  We are both going thru the divorce process and quite honestly, neither of us are ready for a serious relationship.  I thought little more about it until my friends called me up to go on a trail ride with them last weekend.  Of course I agreed.  Not only would I have a great ride with friends, but Dan was going to be going as well.  Despite the fact that I got hurt falling off my horse, I still enjoyed the day. 

After the ride we had a picnic lunch and when Dan and Mike left to do something, Judy quickly told me that Dan asked about me, mentioned he wanted to ask me out, but that he was afraid of rejection.  I told Judy to tell him that I am interested and he should ask me out, but not in a way that he thinks I am expecting him to ask me out and anxiously awaiting it.  I told her that I didn’t want him to feel any pressure.  So Later after I left, he asked Judy what I said….she told him to ask me out and do you want to know what that wimp said?  He said “I’m not ready”…..WTF !!?!!

Why is he asking all these damn questions if he isn’t “ready”?  So I asked a guy friend at work as to why this might be as I just don’t get it.  My friend said that it is different going thru a divorce for a man than a woman.  That they are afraid they are more likely to have the ex try to screw them if they start dating too soon.  He also said, in general, he is likely afraid of rejection as 70-80% men are, and that by asking if I was interested, he probably thought I wasn’t, hoped I wasn’t….as then there was nothing for him to do than go on his merry way…….BUT…..once he found out that I am interested….NOW…..it’s an “oh crap” moment…..”oh crap…now what?...What do I say? What if she really isn’t interested?” and thus….retorting…….”I’m not ready”. 

But Still….So my friend told me to just be patient and see what happens.  I told him that is exactly what I intend to do.  No Rush, No Hurry, No Worry…….

We’ll see, only the future will tell.

~S~

A sinking in the pit of my stomach

My ex, who has been hounding me since the moment after he spent his first night alone, is on to a new tactic.  At first he tried the panic driven begging and pleading, tears of sorrow.  Then he moved on to fear tactics of basically the creepy stalker.  From there it was a seamless transition to hateful punishment for not acknowledging his request.  And now he has graduated to being selfless, regretful and understanding.  Don't get me wrong, had he tried this strategy while we were still together, it would be endearing. However, I feel it is just another tactic to get himself out of the pain of the situation he has found himself in.  Not out of true empathy for the pain he caused me all those years.  Not out of honest remorse.  Is he sorry?  Yes, for himself.  I see the words in his text, but they are empty to me. 

There is this song that Johnny Lang sings, "Breaking Me".  I remember when I caught him cheating the first time, I got drunk, dang near to the point of alcohol poisoning, and listened to that song over and over for a couple hours or so, crying.  Wishing he loved me that much.  Wishing it wasn't me that was "breaking".  Somewhere in the back of my mind, as it was swimming in that alcohol, I hoped he would see my pain, come running in and profess his love for me, to say how sorry he was for hurting me this bad.  But he didn't.  He barely came in and helped me get a giant stock pot from the cabinet to puke in.  He left me there in front of the fire heaving my guts out.  I have always wished that someone, obviously my husband would have been a nice someone, would love me and express to me the ache for me in thier heart...they way Johnny does in that song.

Interestingly enough.....my husband is in far more pain that expressed in that song.  He expresses it to me several times a week.  And I don't feel the slightest amount of pity or pride.  Odd how sometimes the things we think we want, when we get them....it is not nearly as enjoyable as we imagined.  It also makes me think how I must have looked, on my knees, begging HIM not to leave ME.  It's relatively pathetic for sure.

So here I am, staring at yet another text message, not knowing what to say to him.  Not knowing if it will give him false hope.  He says he can't go one without hope.  But I just don't feel right giving it to him, because in my heart of hearts, I know he can't meet my needs.  The most basic of needs.....trust....I just can't live my life always wondering if I am being lied to......ever again.  Yet I have this gut wrenching sinking feeling in my stomach, that I will cave and take him back, despite my better judgement.  Lord I hope I can stay strong.
~S~

What I am learning from Christian Carter

OMG....I know my marriage and it's failure is a 50/50 stock in it's demise, and I know that the kiss of death was the final affair he had.  Had he not done that, we would still be together today as I was a sorry excuse of a pile of goo not worthy to consume so much air.  IE: no back bone.  A couple of my friends were/are decidedly insistent that I get counseling, because there is no way....NO WAY....someone could go thru what I went thru for two decades and not need professional help.  And my whorish behavior was not helping my cause to deny a need for such help.  How ever, I haven't yet slept with a single man, so....I'm just saying....

Anyways, I decided that I did need some help...with DATING.  I have been locked up for so long that I just knew I was going to spaz out on some men and scare them away at best.  No way for a lady to get laid, that's for sure!  I have been on Christian Carter's email list for a while now and have been intrigued to say the least.  But poor as well. He is the dating guru to the girls.  The 'inside the mind of a man' guy.  The 'catch him and keep him' guy.  ...The "don't be a spaz "Shelly" guy. I knew I needed his help as I was leaning this direction.  Leaning in the direction of trying to force my life into the direction that I wanted it to go.  I'm a great catch and I know it....but how do I get guys to know it if I can't get them to ask me out?  What am I doing wrong?  I'm a very attractive woman(sexy, hot, beautiful are the words said to me), according to men, but not attractive enough to be seen in public with.  Hmmm.  I knew this just could not be true.  I messaged quite a good number of men and not a one of them replied, no matter HOW or WHAT I said in that message. 

So, I did the only thing I could do...I scouted out used copies of Christian's program.  I have gotten them all except one....and let me say...OMG... am I going to have fun DATING.  Honestly, I am not ready for a relationship....a knew it before...but it is for sure now.  My husband did a number on me for 2 decades, and I fell pray to all the common women's response to his bull shit.  Maybe if I had these programs back in the day, I could have averted many of our pitfalls, but I doubt it.  He was an alcoholic, and we were doomed to a marriage of mediocrity from the get go.  However, I never want to live that way again, so not only do I want to be able to spot an unhealthy man quickly, I want to know how to ATTRACT the right man, and know how not to push him away once I do find him.  I don't want to fall for a man, I want to fall in love because I CHOSE the right man. I know his programs are going to help me do just that.  And why do I know this?

Because I am learning how to control myself, learning to heal myself, learning that my husbands problems of infidelity and alcohol issues were NOT my fault.  I'm learning how a guy might perceive my behavior, not me girlfriend's.  I personally think these tapes will be far better for me than counseling ever would have been.  I love some of the 'experts' he has interviewed as well Such as Marie Forleo and Lauren Francis. I can't wait to get thier stuff too, along with many other guest speakers he has shared in his programs.

The best part about them, is that I am getting instant results too.  I happen to be very introspective and study from programs like this all the time, so I am quick to understand, conceptualize and put into practice.  While I will eventually go back and do each program with pen in hand.  At the moment I am just listening to each CD as fast as I can, to get thru them ALL, so I could figure out how to chill and stop forcing my life.  I have all this pent up sexual energy that is literally bursting out of me.  I can only unleash it on the guys at the gay bar for so long before I will explode!  The partying is almost out of my system, and my gay guy friends really help me cut loose and let it all out.  I'm going to have to contact Christian and thank him as soon as I get more of myself figured out.  I've been listening to non stop Cd's in the car on my commute, and my inner spirit has already undergone a major overhaul that the whole world around me is commenting on.  Thanks Christian....you ROCK!  You have saved a whole lot of men from my uncontrollable sexual tension.

I will be blogging soon about Marie and Lauren as they have helped me immensely as well.

Peace n Love
~S~

Click here for more info on Christian Carter and his amazing products.

Unfortunate series of events

I can't believe I have been single for a week and half now.  It feels like months.  I hit the ground running and had my first date on my first night that I was single.  It was good.  Lots of good conversation, seduction and touching.  WE fooled around and I lost my cool.  I was powerless to his kisses and found my pants around my ankles in no time.  But this is where it turns bad......He had an impetance problem.  I felt bad but I had to get out of there.  For god sakes i just left a 20ys relationship where I wasn't satisfied due to limpness issues, and I am not going to start out with another one.  I've discovered that sex IS important to me.  An important way I would like to express my feelings and an important way to recieve someone elses expression.  It went from being about two people enjoying an experience together to being about a man and his problem.  For god sakes, I'm not Dr. Ruth!  I bailed.  I was soooo disapointed.  Left there just as sexually frustrated as I showed up.  But...I learned alot about what I want, and how I want to present myself.

As for my husband, he lost his fool head and after only a day and a half, started to beg me to come home.  Pleading with me, confessing deep love and regret, and promising to be able to change if he could just come back home.  This was basically a nightmare for me for 3 days.  He did manage to attend AA meetings all week, and also is doing a great bit of work in the Dr Phil Relationship Rescue book.  He admitted to his affair last year with a woman from work, and admitted to being the one to contact the first whore again, not her contacting him.  However, these are just small gestures in the grand scheme of things.  There is no way of knowing if there is a long lasting effect, and I refuse to take him back.  I asked him to back off, give me space, and told him that I don't know what the future holds, but at this point there is only a very teeny chance that somewhere in the future we can talk about US.

My Oh My…

Well, here I am just days away from freedom and peace….feeling a little sad….definitely feeling a whole lot of sexual frustration, and I feel like a race horse stuck in the starting gate.  He’s almost done packing and loading the trailer, and will be leaving for his new place on Saturday morning.  Part of me is thrilled that he is getting his act together and learning how to take care of his business by him self.  But another part is understandably irritated that he refused to make changes WHILE we were together.  As I have felt all along thru this process, I believe the ONLY way for either of us to make changes is away from each other.  To force us out of our complacency and comfort zones.

I met someone new yesterday, online of course, and we really seemed to hit it off well.  We'll call him Freddy.  We have a lot of common interests, he’s younger being 8ys my junior…..I think I really like this younger guy thing.  Though I am not holding my breath that we will have the same spark in person.  Physical chemistry is so vital and something that I just cannot fake.  But I sure do hope it is there.  There seems to be a magic bit of shine in younger guys that older men seem to have buffed off.  Now I am not here to say it is better or worse, as clearly I am older and my sheen is a bit dull as well, however, the allure of the younger man is that he polishes me up right nice.  I feel more alive with them and somehow as though I have a bit of my youth back that was stolen in that long relationship. 

Anyways, for all I know he may disappear tomorrow, but the good news is that I have hope that another will be right behind him to take his place.  I am in no hurry, I am going to do me and have some FUN!!  I am definitely ready to date, not ready for a serious relationship, and quite honestly wouldn’t mind a good steady friend with some fringe benefits from time to time.

~S~

"I'm Sorry"

Two little words that can seal a crater…OR….drive the knife in your heart a little bit deeper.  I’ve learned that “I’m sorry” often times means nothing, nothing compared to ones actions.  It’s true, actions definitely do speak louder than words.  Last night, as usual, my husband was ‘helping’ me do something.  But did not tell me he was doing so, and in his carelessness where I was concerned, I got hurt pretty bad.  He is always in a hurry, and I can’t go fast enough or efficient enough to satisfy him….and somehow I end up bruised at best.  So he nearly broke my elbow last night pulling an ice back out of the freezer from behind me.  I had no idea he was there….the ice had melted and then hardened back to one giant block of ice.  As he was pulling it out, I moved my elbow in that direction and WHAMO….I was seeing stars and cursing to the heavens.  Blah Blah Blah….10 min later….he was pissed at me….ME!!! Because I was upset that I was hurt.  I had accepted his apology, as benign as it was, but my son was trying to make me feel guilty and in my explanation to him, my husband got mad at me.  I am an intelligent woman, and I can totally understand accidents, and I can whole heartedly forgive them.  But not when your ‘accident’ is due to complete and utter carelessness with a total lack of consideration for those around you…namely ME…..and someone gets hurt….namely……ME!!  As usual, in the end…..”I” was the one graveling begging for forgiveness.  Honestly….after 19ys….how the fuck can I still be such a pathetic fucking wimp.  For god sakes….he is moving out in 2 weeks.  We are in fact getting a divorce….and I am still begging HIM forgiveness for hurting ME.  This morning, after icing my elbow for over an hour last night, I have a huge lump on the bone and it is killing me.  But it’s very comforting to know…..”Accidents happen”.  ARGHHHHHHH….!@#$%^&*(

~S~

"I need you"

"I need you".........The three hardest words to say.  Harder to say than "I want you"....for sure harder than "I hate you"....Even harder than saying "I love you".

Saying "I need you" leaves you naked, exposed and vulnerable in a way no other admission can.  Vulnerable to have your soul ripped into shreds.  Vulnerable to being abused and taken advantage of.  Saying "I need you" can bring you to your knees, leaving you at the mercy of another's merciless soul.  Exposing your heart to the greatest pain and self doubt ever known.  Words that don't need to be said, in order to be felt by another.  A plea not needing utterance to be twisted into another's advantage over you.  The essence of your being, shackled to your cries of weakness.  Desperate to avoid tyranny and oppression, hoping for tenderness and benevolence.

There is no feeling I hate more than needing someone.  I hate how the second they know I need them, they feel it gives them free licence to tear me down.  Like I am no longer worthy of common decency and respect.  A free for all of mayhem and destruction.  What ever it takes to reduce me to the smallest resemblance of humanity.....and why?.....Because I am in need...that's why.  THAT is my crime....needing YOU.  I swear...I am going to do my damndest to get out of my current situation as quickly as possible because I do not ever....and I do mean EVER....want to NEED anyone ever again.  I love to feel needed, but I don't twist someone elses need of ME into some form of sadistic strong hold over them.  But here I sit, the victim of my own choices and decisions, forcing me to need, forcing me to be at someone elses mercy.....I will swallow this pill for now, as I suppose I deserve some of it.  I will take it like a woman, though I will hate every second of it.
~S~

I'm overwhelmed....help!

As I started to go thru boxes in the garage, purging my past from square carboard recepticles of my life...It occured to me that I never unpacked when we moved in here 4ys ago.  Not really unpacked anyways.  I had surgery a few days after we got the keys and just as I was fit enough to actually do some serious unpacking.....I caught my husband cheating.  After that...I never had the heart to unpack.  I mean, why bother when you think 'any day' you might have to box it all back up again?  I found some boxes I packed for storage over 10ys ago.  And I also doscovered my husbands habits of just boxing up all my crap I have laying around and tossing it in the garage.  Some boxes are neatly organized with like minded things inside....others look like mini tornadoes had been swirling around inside with a hodge podge eclectic collection of odds n ends. 

I'm trying to be as practical as possible, knowing I will be living in a place half the size with NO storage to speak of.  But the rent is dirt cheap, so I can't complain.  It all got me thinking about how I can have any bed spread I want.  Any decorations I wan't.  I can be as girly and froo froo as I desire....and I am going to decorate with the Shabby Chic eclectic style I always wanted to....that HE wouldn't let me do.  I found my great grandmothers chenille bed spread and it will look fabulous with all the decorations I found packed in my nightmare....otherwise known as my garage.  I was hoping to have a yard sale this weekend.....but I am no where near getting thru all that crap....much less having made it into the HOUSE to downsize in there.  Good news is that I have been diligent and have reduced my possesions thus far by half!  Sad news is that I will likely be rehoming my dogs.  There will be no one home all day with them and the pup still isn't house broken.  If I can work out fencing in the back yard, I might consider letting them stay.  Wish the munchkins luck.
~S~

Guy Friend

Last night was rough for me. I cried a lot yesterday.  I know this is what I want, what I need, and what’s good for me.  But damn I’m kinda sad.  I talked with Josh for an hour or so last night.  We miss each others friendship for sure.  He was the only one who could make me laugh yesterday.  I needed it. 

While I will forever be grateful for the gift he gave me….boy am I glad we are not a couple!  He has to be the trampiest man whore I have ever met!  We will be great friends though and that is perfect.  Now that the Venus retrograde is over, my emotions are flooding out of me.  All the things that laid dormant in me the last 6 weeks are surfacing at an alarming pace.  I couldn’t sleep last night and all I could think about was sex….SEX SEX SEX…. Even sex with Josh!  And with all the events that took place during the retrograde, I am more convinced than ever that I knew Josh in a past life and Venus’ little trip thru Gemini brought him to me.  While I will never trust another man again in my life, not fully, Josh did just as the stars destined him to do.  He healed my broken heart.  My heart no longer aches and cries out from the pain of the infidelity.  Not that I’m not hurt by it any more, just that it is not an all consuming pain that I must suffer and survive on a daily basis, and it gave me the strength to stand up for myself and to be treated fairly.  To say out loud that this life is not good enough for me and to be brave enough to go for a life that is.  I will never doubt the stars again…and soon enough Josh and I will be partying hard!  He has basically warned me that he will protect me like no other, and that he will not let an unworthy man near me.  Just what I need when I am lonely horny and desperate for sex……a tiger of a cock block!

~S~

Splitsville official.....

I got home last night, sat down to talk and we ended up deciding on divorce. I am not sure if yesterday was the last day of the retrograde, or the first day of no longer being in retrograde.....Either way, it comes as no shock to me that this happened on this day, be it the first or last day. Both would be pivotal in my opinion.  I am more convinced than ever that the planets and stars influence our daily lives.  For the good and the bad.  All the things that were revealed during the retrograde, are now coming to fruition.  All the wishy washy is over, my marriage is over, my house to be left behind in the wake of destruction and nothing but new beginnings from here on out.  I am scared as hell and quite honestly, I think I just might throw up.  But it was mutual, he brought it up in fact, that he knows he cannot change and that I don't deserve to have to live that way.  It was a calm and mature conversation, no bitterness or anger....just a moving forward with the separation.  No blame game, no pettiness in dividing our stuff, no ugliness.  Now we just need to figure out how to purge ourselves of our damage.  The house, the debt, the stuff.....finding places to live and the money to move into them.  Fingers crossed that we both come out on top on the other side.
~S~

Venus to awaken

 I am hoping after yesterday, the last day of this Venus retrograde period, as Sleepy Venus awakens from her 6 week nap, that I will be afforded having ‘myself’ back.  I have been in a funk like no other.  Although it has certainly been good for me in many ways.  I have stood up for myself, demanded to be treated like a wife, lover, mother and friend should be treated.  Not that I am getting it, but I am getting the possibility of it….and the strength to walk away if I don’t.  I know there will be some retrograde ‘jet lag’ so to speak during this 3rd phase thru the end of July.  But I am hoping that I will feel like I did in the ‘pre’ retrograde period….LOVING and SENSUAL.  I miss the wonderfulness of it.  I miss the way I felt when I was so sexually charged I couldn’t sit still.  Venus has been taking a nap for 6 long weeks, and left me nothing short of empty handed.  But as I look at the upcoming astrological predictions, I can't help but wonder if all this was meant to repair my marriage or end it.  If I leave, if I walk away from my husband, family and home….it will not be easy to get it all back.  But if I stay and fight the good fight just a little longer….walking out will still only be just one footstep away.

I was thinking what I will do, is wait on this one little cottage that I hope will come available (it’s being renovated) and if I get the call that it is ready and available, then I will evaluate things at home then and leave if warranted.  At this time, I still have no guarantee that the bank will work with us in the end anyways, nor that my husband is capable of change…or sustaining that change if he does…

And I know….deep in my heart…the only way it could ever work with us again, will be if there is some serious self denial on my part.  I will have to completely ignore my pain and mistrust…again…as if they never happened in order to just go forward.  That to me doesn’t seem right.  As usual, it would be putting HIS need of me letting it go so he stands a chance…..before MY need to have him really understand what he has done to me, and REALLY be remorseful for it.  Both of which he has never truly done........ERRRT!!!!!!!  (the sound of screeching tires)  Whoa Nellie!

I started this post yesterday, and the above is what I had written...of course that is before I got home and 'enjoyed' the rest of my evening.  As with anything, I can make all the plans and decisions I want till i am blue in the face....but the truth of the matter is that I am not in 100% control of this and my husband can chose to do/not do as he pleases.  Here I thought he REALLY meant it, REALLY was going to 'try'......pfft....RIGHT!  So last night it appeared he has all but given hopelessly up....after only 2 days effort.  Seems loving me is just too damn hard.  I thought he was capable of more than two days effort.  But as it happens to be, he is not.  So now, I am pressing him harder to let me know if he is 'done'.  Because if so, there are actions that need to be taken with the house, so we don't become homeless prematurely.  Crap...I hate it when the wrench gets tossed in there!

I did have the fortunate experience of reconnecting with Josh after a brief hiatus.  As 'friends' only of course.  I have nailed him down to help me move when the time comes.  HIm AND his strong friends. :) It was nice talking to my friend again.
~S~

Before you can see the light….

.....You have to deal with the darkness.

That was the gem in my fortune cookie today!
How interesting to get that, this last day of Venus Retrograde. The last day of darkness for Venus, before I am enlighted by the discoveries made during her nap.

I am more confused than ever….well…more like ‘torn’.  I had the ‘talk’ with my husband a couple days ago.  I told him that I don’t have all the answers, none really.  Told him that I don’t know what I want exactly, or how he can go about ‘fixing’ this to try to save our marriage and home.  That part of me really does want to be single and experience life out there.  To go on the ultimate journey to see if a man exists that can love me with out hurting me.  To be able to do what ever I want, when ever I want, without guilt or ridicule. Also that part of me loves being a ‘family’ and I really don’t want to end it.  But that the one thing I do know for sure, is that we ARE getting legally separated…..NOW.  He said he wants to be ‘that man’, knows he CAN be ‘that man’, and is willing to do ANY thing to become ‘that man’.  Problem is, he has at times in the past, he has done the things I need/want, such as quit drinking…only to start up again down the road.  Even while we were talking, he became frustrated, understandably, at my ‘mixed signals’.  Personally I don’t think they were mixed, other than in MY head.  I was very clear that “I just don’t know” and there are “No guarantees”.  I told him, if you are going to give up before even trying, than what is the point of ‘trying’?  Let’s just end it here and now.  His attitude changed immediately.  But…

I know in my mind this cannot work with my husband.  My mind knows that even if he became the ‘perfect’ partner, even if he could overcome and beat alcoholism, even if we could become partners and figure out our financial issues….Even if he no longer was a narcissistic asshole……I still will not trust him.  No matter what, I will never trust him again.  He still will not admit to the affair from last year despite my having proof. (proof that he refuses to look at)

But then the ‘mind games’ come in to torment my heart.  You see, I am an idealist, trapped in a realist’s body, wearing an optimistic cloak.  Realistically I know that I will most likely never trust ANY man….so what difference is it that I stay with ‘this’ man.  (IF things changed)  If I leave, and never find a man I can ‘trust’….isn’t that just trading one dick for another?  Trading one set of ‘problems’ for another?  So why tear apart a family when the abuser says he is sorry and wants to change?  What kind of ‘bitch’ am I? 

So here I am….confused….torn….My mind and heart battling to the death…..and don’t know what to do.  Call it what you will, maybe I am just being weak….maybe it is smart….maybe it is compassion…I don’t know.  I don’t know anything right now.  I have little to no faith in any area of thought. And it doesn’t help to have people in my life who are less than supportive of the marriage ending.  People who are suppose to be on my side.  This includes my therapist friend who can’t stop being a therapist long enough to be my friend.  My disabled mother who lives with us, who stands to be evicted as well, and can only think about herself…not how her daughter is about to be a single mother like she was and that her grandson is about to lose living with his father.  My father and step mother, who seem to think my biggest problem is that I got a couple tattoo’s that I couldn’t afford (example of our loose financial habits)…..NOT that my husband, the man who vowed to love me forever, has taken my heart and shredded it into pieces…for two decades.

I guess I will take my best friends advice.  She told me a few weeks ago, that I have too many decisions on my plate…causing me to make NONE at all.  That I need to make a list of all the things I need to make a decision about, then prioritize them, then act on them one by one….saving my marriage for last.  She even sat with me and wrote it for me so she knew I did it.  That really made it easier for me to start taking action…one by one….starting with letting Josh go….working my way up to the legal filing of our separation papers….which are almost done being filled out and should be filed next Monday.  I have an apartment potentially on reserve, the house payment money for one more month, give him a few more weeks and see how it all goes.  ONE step at a time.

~S~

Narcissistically Me

It was suggested to me that my husband is a narcissist, and most likely suffers from Narcissistic Personality disorder. So I looked it up.  I thought I knew what it meant, and although I was pretty close, it is of course far more involved than what I suspected.  As I read, it not only became clear to me that YES he indeed does suffer from NPD, but that I may be a narcissist as well, quite possibly my son too.  The good news is that characteristics of narcissism are, to a great exten,t a normal part of self development.  It is when we don’t grow out of it as we mature, or it becomes excessive that we have an issue.  So my concern for my son was quickly alleviated, but as for myself, not so much. 

I found a test to take online to determine if I was a narcissist….and especially excessively so…..and all I can say is….”Whew” No I'm not…but it then appeared that I might have a superiority complex …..oh lord.  So off to google again to find a test for THAT.  Good news….seems I suffer from an inferiority complex instead and may use superiority techniques to disguise it. 

Hmmm…I wonder how much being molested as a child, raised by a poor single mother with borderline personality disorder, a non-existent narcissistic father, alcoholic step parents, raped as a teen, and living 19ys with an alcoholic narcissistic husband….have anything to do with that??

So the more I thought about it, the more I decided…..to some extent and in varying degrees….we ALL have some kind of personality disorder or neurosis…it’s the ones who’s disorders inflict pain on others that are the problem….and that group would include my husband.  And I would venture to say, any one involved with a compulsive cheater, such as I am, is most likely involved with a narcissist.  Because it takes a whole lot of lack of empathy to repeatedly betray the one you supposedly love. 

~S~

For those that want to 'test' yourself or your cheating partner....

Here is the test.

Till death do us part

I, (my cheating ass husband), take you, (the dipshit that believed this BS), to be my lawfully wedded wife. To have and to hold, for better or for worse, for richer and for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part. 

That’s right, that’s what he said.  Does he know, does anyone know, the meaning of the word ‘vow’ anymore?  That it is a solemn PROMISE.  I think too many people, my husband included, have detached the meaning from the word. 

But lets not blame ignorance to the English language just yet.....Maybe it is the ‘vows’ themselves that are outdated or misunderstood.  Obviously, rich/poor, sick/healthy and love are self explanatory…but I will touch on those later.  Let's first look at….this “to have and to hold” crap??  What exactly did I promise to ‘have’ and to ‘hold’?  This almost makes it sound like we are property….maybe this one is WAY too outdated.  Yikes! 

For “better or worse” ?? These are really just a bit too vague to me.  Of course we will always prefer someone at their 'Better'......but.....Worse?…hmmm…Are we really promising to stay married to someone who takes the ‘worse’ to the extreme....to still cherish them at the absolute WORST?  Drugs, robbery, murder?  Well... maybe for some people, ok, but not for the majority of us.  I think few would turn some one away for being too 'Rich'......But what about 'Poorer'?  If they choose to become a free spirit and never work again, are we really promising to support someone forever who decides to just be a couch potato, making no significant contribution to the marriage or the world at large?  Then there is sickness, I know this is a touchy subject, but what if the sickness is Schizophrenia with paranoid delusions and our lives become in danger?  Or they are permanently brain dead?  I think most of us would admit, that they would not knowingly marry a crazy person, so why should we stay with them if they become one or lied about being one?  And on that note....

What if they lied to us about who they were to get us to marry them?  We promised these things to a person that we 'thought' we knew....not the person who they turn out to be.  Had I known my husband was an angry alcoholic...I certainly would not have said yes in the first place.  Had I known that he had no idea how to support me emotionally, mentally and spiritually.....I would never have made those promises to him...

My husband did not keep his "promise" to stay faithful when I was down and out after my accident.  No cherishing me, no compassion and understanding when I needed it most.  He did not help me or take care of me or even care that I was in pain.  Instead, he felt sorry for himself that he was not getting the attention he felt he deserved and selfishly sought it from a low life whore...several in fact.

While one might think the above time honored traditional vows are the best promises to make, I think there are certainly a few missing or at least not spelled out in the 'terms' we really want to.  Next time, if these are not included in vows made to me, I will not say yes.....:

I will keep my dick in my pants.  I won’t tell lies so I can flirt with and screw other woman.  I will not have an affair.  I will not play mind games with you to make you think you are crazy, just so I can have MY way.


I will not dump ALL the responsibilites on you, and then blame you when things go wrong.


I will support you and stand by you in times of need and not leave you hanging to figure everything out on your own.


I will not do things to make your life harder and add to your burdons.


There are obviously plenty more to add to this list, but I just wanted to say the basic ones I felt could be added....

These will be my vows at my next wedding, should I ever get married again, because lets face it...I prefer to just be brutally honest from this point forward....I think we all deserve no less...and IF you are going to promise something to someone....I think it should be something that you realistically can foresee and uphold....so here it is....

I, Goddess Supreme, promise to love you, King of my world, under the following conditions until the day you fuck up.  I will love you while you are healthy, self sufficient, debt free, and able to produce multiple orgasms. I will give you my heart and soul, so long as you give me yours.  I will not cheat on you in ANY way.  I will be your friend, lover, and soul mate for as long as you are mine.  I make you this one and only solemn vow.....I WILL: gouge your eyes out with an ice pick if you look at other women, poison your food if you talk to them, and melt your cock off with a blow torch if you fuck one.  At that point….we will definitely be parted by death….YOURS. 

Yes we are suppose to honor our promises and keep them, but are we really suppose to take this promise thing to the extremes or continue to honor them when our better half does not? 

I think not.

~S~