~Unicorn~

A stunning creature stands before you,

 that shimmers in the light

With snowy fur and frosted eyes, 

your heart dances with delight

Reaching out your hand, 

she shivers from her fright

Once caged and beaten, 

you should know, 

she escaped thru the fight

Like nothing you have ever seen,

a rare beauty she doeth cast

Standing right beside you, forsaking horrors past

Part of once a mighty herd, running free and vast

Murdered for their golden horns, the herd had died off fast

Their beauty faded slowly, as the blood trickled from their heads

Streaming tears of gold washed away the stains of red

A lucky few, took to flight, as the rest lay there dead

Surviving countless hunts, they were elusive as they fled

She saw you in the distance and she put aside her pain

To walk with you and talk with you and give you her golden rein

Better be thy beauty peeking thru a whispy mane

Than to take it for your self, for your glory and your vain

Leave her be, the way you found her and your glory will ever flow

But cut it off or make her flee and your vain will quickly know

She’s a gentle soul that spares you from the slaying she could bestow

Piercing your heart with that horn of gold that justly makes her so

You may never see another like her, for only in your sleep

This dream come true in waking life, a bounty you do reap

Today she’s yours to hold and love, and yours to forever keep

But walk away or let her go, and forever may you weep

~S~

~Dim the lights~

She burned white hot and beamed with life

But this light would only cause her strife

Blinded by her radiant glow

Friends and lovers became her foe

One by one, her flames they snuffed

Until she’d finally had enough

She broke free to light her fire

To find the love she doeth desire

But yet again she burns too bright

Shameful should she dim her light

Look at yourself before you demand

She’ll light the way of your darkened land

Stay in the dark or follow along

But do not silence a brilliant song

~S~

I wrote this when I started thinking about how/why I intimidate men, people in general really, and the split second thought I had, that maybe I should dull it down a bit to stop scaring men away.  But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that is what I did in my marriage and with my friends for years....and look where it got me.  A dead soul.  So I decided I am going to just be ME and let the man who is strong enough to be MY man find me.  I know for my future, I want a man who is strong enough that I don't have to rule the world anymore.  A man so strong, he can be the soft place for ME to land.  I am a lot of woman to be around, and any man who can't handle it.....doesn't deserve me.  So, this big light of mine....I'm gonna let it shine!

~S~

~Alone~

Salty little streams of tears, running down my face

Landing on my broken heart, they’ve fallen into place

I’d walked a thousand miles with him for very little gain

Not knowing my heart was still alive and able to feel pain

You made me pick those pieces up and forge them back to one

So I thought I was invincible and could never come undone

I didn’t know how much of you, was filling up my soul

Until you left me sitting here, staring deep into this hole

It’s empty, dark and gloomy; since your smile’s not around

The pain is very haunting and it hovers all around

I will continue on this journey, my virgin steps alone

Just know there is place for you, in my heart you can call home

~S~

~Love Pirate~

A ship may be safe in the harbor, but that’s not what ships were built for.  Ships were not built to sit in a harbor, they were built to sail the mighty seas.  My love, she too is a mighty ship, strong and resilient.  Never to have sprung a leak, despite being run aground many times by her foolish captain. On a lifelong voyage, my soul is the captain, my heart a mere passenger, braving the pirate seas together.  Battling each other, should they fight the thieves, or surrender and risk the sting of the salt air on open wounds, having my heart smeared along the hull, to be washed away by the waves.  Risking all, to feel the freedom of the wind in my face, the embrace of the water along my weathered wooden planks.  Sails tattered but pure, they weather the storms, with the mercy of an angel.  Port to port, unfurled, three sheets into the wind.  Searching for sunken treasure, guided only by the night stars and intuition, no map to lead the way.  May she not sink through the mutiny of those on board, and sail an endless sea.

~S~

~Chasing Rainbows~

Here I am, Chasing rainbows.  What seems to be so clear right before me, disappears as fast as I can see a clear path.  Clouds hide it’s beauty, and hills get in the way.  Twists and turns confuse me and the faster I run to it, the farther away it becomes.    For a fleeting moment, I feel as though I can reach out and touch it.  So illuminating the light of the vibrant colors, yet transparent enough to know it isn’t real.  But it IS real, just because you can't touch it, doesn't mean it isn't there. Tears from heaven reveal it, and the sun rays light it up.  I blink and it is gone.  Now lost between two shores, not knowing how I got here or how to get back.  What ever shall I chase now?

That rainbow is true happiness.  I sit around waiting for it to reveal itself to me, so that I can chase after it with gusto.  Freedom and joy should not be so elusive should they?  I used to think it could be manufactured in my marriage, but I now know it cannot.  It only lies in being single.  I have no feelings left for him.  No matter how hard I try.  We made love last night.  For him, it was a passionate attempt.  But I felt nothing. No spark, no fireworks, no tingles....NOTHING.  I am tired of being the one to be responsible for the relationship, for the marriage, for the kid, for the house, for the finances.  I am tired of being the 'failure' when I know it is not just me.  He is the one incapable of change.  He is the one who could never even try to chase a rainbow, IF he was visionary enough to see it in the first place.

~S~

~Trouble~

Like a cosmic force in the universe, two giant magnets, we are drawn together.  No matter how hard we resist, we cannot fight the draw.  We struggle and we dance in the night sky, around each other like commets on fire.  We collide with one another, again and again, but never to touch each other.  The balance of push and pull is too strong for us to control.  As the ocean crashes against the rocks, churning and exploding.  We try to fight it, we know it is wrong, but we just can't.  We are weak to our own temptations.  And oh, the temptations! The mind and the spirit fight for the desires that nature knows is right and the responsibilities thrust upon us to early in life.  A racing mind that only trouble can calm.  A spirit that only trouble can tame.  A flight that only trouble can ride. How can I resist this harmony and peace I desire that only trouble can give me.  I search for you, and you run.  You chase me and I hide.  Finally we meet again, one sweet kiss, then 10 passionate ones.  One kiss so sensual and I cannot leave you, but I k now I must go.  I hate you for finding me, as no one will ever compare to the way you make me feel. But I love you, trouble,  for the way you make me feel,  Alive and Free.  I must go though.  Back to the night sky, to fly with the stars until the cosmos draws me to you again.
~S~

~Set me Free~

How does one learn to set themselves free?

And say to yourself, it’s ok to be me?

To unlock the shackles and untie the rope?

Somehow turn misery back into hope?

No longer invisible to someone else’s eye

To be seen by them all like the sun in the sky.

Free to burn bright, burn hot and burn long,

To sing off key & out loud to my very own song.

I’ll dance and strut and shake it all out,

Be a soft place to fall and an ear for a shout.

And when someone, anyone, catches my eye,

I won’t look away, and I will not deny

That every being has a soul to hi-jack

So I’ll steal it, caress it, and then give it back

I’ll taste it and live it and love it out loud

At the end of the day my heart will be proud

I have loved all that I can, and given my best

And when I’m weary and tired I won’t let it rest

Try everything once, with a friend if I can

And no longer hate any fellow man

Once in a while be vulnerable and try not to hide

Behind my strong, brave and resilient side

Hand someone my heart and trust I’ll be ok

Especially if things do not go my way.

I’ll laugh really loud and wrinkle my nose

And tell them it’s Lilies I love, not the Rose

Nothing wrong with saying what I want,

And nothing wrong with knowing what to flaunt.

Talk with my eyes, and for once have nothing to say

Just long slow kisses, that take someone’s breath away

So how did I manage to set my self free?

I looked in the mirror and said “It’s ok to be me!”

~S~

~His Angel~

Her wings broken unable to fly.  Her body sighs, aching for his touch.  His gentle, soulful, healing touch.  Eyes closed she reaches for him, but cannot find him.  She trembles standing on a cliff, just one step from slipping away into the darkness. Faceless he stands before her, with his hand reached out to her. His blood courses through his veins, longing for her hand to find his. Longing to pull her close and protect her.   His arms strong, prepared to lift to her up to his heart, so that she might free him to be what the stars destined him to be. But it is too far for her to cross alone. He reaches deep in his chest, howling from the pain, releasing his soul to find her.  It moves through her fingers, a hint of loving sensations, but she cannot hold it.  He watches from afar terrified she will slip away from him, praying it will envelope her and she will feel his love and be healed.  His soul caresses her, and consumes her, exposing her soul to him.  Blinded by the light escaping from within her, brilliant and vivid colors create a bridge for him to cross and he falls at her feet unable to take another step his life draining from him.  He reaches up for her hand, fingertips touch, and her wings begin to flutter.  She kneels to him, wrapping her wings around him. Tears fall from her eye, landing on his chest, healing the hole he made for her.  His eyes open, no longer faceless to her, he stands lifting her to his heart and they ascend to the heavens to take their place together among the stars.

~S~

~Be Strong?~

Who made the rule that you have to be strong?

To fight the good fight all day long.

Put on a big smile and do not pout

Keep your chin up, it’ll all work out.

But it takes more bravery to let you see,

The weaker more vulnerable side of me.

The screams and the tears are far more real,

Than the hardness you say I am supposed to feel

You shake your head when I am on my knees

You can’t believe that I’m begging him please.

But to pick yourself up after you fall

Is harder than never falling at all.

To let you see my lowest of lows

To watch my emotions come to blows

It’s easier not to show you my pain

Than to open up and let it rain.

Stay or go sounds easy enough…

But we both know it’s a bunch of fluff.

When you hold it all in, you eventually crack

And all that slips out is hard to get back.

So where is it written you have to be strong?

Today I will cry…And I will not be wrong!

~S~

~Jungle Squirrel~

How can I go home again? A place of least resistance, but little more than mere existence.  I walked the million miles of the information highway looking for something. Flashing lights and glitter to attract and distract the emptiness inside.  Looking for me and something to satisfy a hunger I had denied myself for so long. Finding things I never knew existed.  Am I finding them or are they finding me?

I feast on them with the veracity of a jungle cat, wanting no others to share in my spoils, so I can come back and be satisfied again and again.  I fear what happens when the carcass is clean.... Will there be another kill when my hunger and desire compel me? Will I survive the emptiness between meals?

How could I not know how bad I needed this?  Needed to know me.  All of me.   Excitement, heart pounding, blood rushing, a euphoria of pleasure.  On this journey, I'm falling in love with me. And once you have learned to love yourself, how can you take that love away again? How can you love yourself by day, and yet deny your heart that love by night?

What is the fairy tale? The one that pleases the senses in the depths of my soul, or the one that pleases the mind in the depths of my morality.  A struggle between flesh and logic, pleasure and pain.  The flesh is denied in fantasy, so why does it feel so real...? How does it become the truth when it only exists in my mind....and on paper?  Yet the logic which is real, flesh and bone.... it is laced with denial. Denying the pure hell of my reality, foolishly thinking that which surrounds me could someday, somehow, get better.  Thinking such things was nothing more than a fantasy. Where is this line I crossed when fantasy became the reality, and reality became a fantasy? How can I go home to a lie?

But how could I live in a fantasy.... Loving myself.... Stepping outside my own skin, if even for a brief moment, thinking my skin fits me so perfectly, it would be easy to step back inside.  Yet that is no longer the case.  It is no longer home to me. It no longer fits.  I no longer recognize her. That woman bound so tightly with denial. Denying my mundane existence.  Denying desire. Denying the acts of rejection and aggression. But I don't yet fully know the new woman staring back at me in the mirror.  Who is she and why is she taking my hand and guiding me into the frightening world of the unknown?

I ask myself, who do I love more? The empty lifeless skin, OR the nakedness beneath, raw and exposed, vulnerable, needing a home that fits? I don't know yet, all I know is that I have no where to go, no where I call home, no skin that fits....so....

 

How could I go home and still love myself?  I can’t.
There is no going back, to that other person, that other place, to that lie, to that slow death....

This thing.... This stranger.... She is all I know now....as I do not know how to put them together and make them fit seamlessly.  Will I choose to take her hand, leave that shell behind and walk these streets, journey this highway, naked and free to find what ever it is that I am searching for?….Yes I will.

~S~

Drops of Jupiter

The magic of song lyrics

The past few days I have been listening to my music, in shuffle mode, rather than the most recent style of self indulgence listening to one song for days on end.  I had noticed that I was choosing a song based on my current emotion, set it on replay, just to have background noise.  Problem was, I think it was influencing my mood instead of enhancing it.  So I thought that maybe I should choose some songs that evoke the emotions I WANT to feel.  I have to say it is making a difference.  However a really cool thing happened once I did that.  I started to listen, REALLY listen, to the lyrics of my favorite songs.  I have heard them all thousands of times, most of them I know the words by heart, but I never REALLY listened to the brilliance of their poetry.  I decided that for the rest of the week I would listen with careful purpose to the artistry, to the poetry, not just the music and words as an overall whole.  WOW….I have been so moved by them.  These lyricists are pure poetic genius.  I am actually a bit envious of the depth of soul some of them really have. 

One of my favorites is “drops of Jupiter” by train.  I think it is one of the most brilliantly insightful songs ever written.  However, you might find it interesting to know, that he wrote that song about his mother who had passed away from cancer-believing her spirit was back on earth with him, not about a lover who left him to “search her soul”.  He included things that he thought she would miss about being on earth with him, such as fried chicken and long talks with him.  Although I do strongly believe one of the great things about poetry and music, is that we each can interpret a song or poem to mean what ever inspires our own emotions.  So for me, ‘Drops of Jupiter’ is about me and my ‘soul vacation’ because that is exactly what I am on….a soul journey.  And what better way to do that than traipsing across the constellations, dancing along the light of day.  But the song reminds us about those that we leave behind while sailing across the sun and the things they have to offer us here on “earth”….and that most likely, while fun, we risk losing the things we enjoy with those who love us.  For me that is my son, my friends, and my hobbies…..but sadly….few things about my husband.

I feel I have been trapped for so long that I have to break out of this atmosphere and have a stay on the moon.  I must make it to the Milky Way to see for my self if the lights are faded and heaven is over rated.  Maybe I will fall for a shooting star.  Can Venus blow my mind?  Will it be everything I’m hoping to find?  I don’t know if it will be, I just know I need to see for myself.

~S~

Drops Of Jupiter lyrics
Now that she's back in the atmosphere
With drops of Jupiter in her hair, hey
She acts like summer and walks like rain
Reminds me that there's a time to change, hey
Since the return from her stay on the moon
She listens like spring and she talks like June, hey, hey

But tell me, did you sail across the sun?
Did you make it to the Milky Way
To see the lights all faded
And that heaven is overrated?

Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star?
One without a permanent scar
And then you missed me
While you were looking for yourself out there?

Now that she's back from that soul vacation
Tracing her way through the constellation, hey
She checks out Mozart while she does Tae-Bo
Reminds me that there's room to grow, hey

Now that she's back in the atmosphere
I'm afraid that she might think of me as
Plain ol' Jane told a story about a man
Who was too afraid to fly so he never did land

But tell me, did the wind sweep you off your feet?
Did you finally get the chance
To dance along the light of day
And head back to the Milky Way?

And tell me, did Venus blow your mind?
Was it everything you wanted to find?
And then you missed me
While you were looking for yourself out there

Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken
Your best friend always sticking up for you
Even when I know you're wrong?

Can you imagine no first dance, freeze-dried romance
Five-hour phone conversation
The best soy latte that you ever had, and me?

~Piece of Me~

 I wrote these very specifically for Josh.  I found them hard to write compared to everything else that has been flowing out of me all week.  Maybe because it had more to do with a certain person and our connected journey, than it has to do with me writing to sort out my thoughts and emotions.  I wrote the two go together, as one inspired the other as I was writing them both at the same time.  They are also inspired by my belief that we knew each other in a past life, that I totally believe in the whole Venus retrograde stuff, and that he was sent to me to heal my pain of betrayal. Anyways, I just wanted to share a piece of me with him, because he will always be a part of me.  If not in spirit mind and soul, certainly in the tattoo on my ass.  Now to clarify the whole tattoo thing, as my sister and a few others are quite upset that there is any memorabilia of a man whore on my body, it is only his astrological sign, connected to my astrological sign.  I didn't get it as an homage to HIM, rather an homage to the gift he gave me.  The whole tattoo is a reminder to me, that I only get one shot at life, so I better live it.  That was Josh's gift to me, so that is why he is a small part of it.  Here is the pic, if you look down by her foot you will see the Libra sign, with the capricorn sign to the bottom right of the Libra sign.  The words are "Carpe Diem (latin-sieze the day) "Vous Vivez Seulement une fois" (french-you live only once) And the pic is a Michael Parkes original, that we changed a bit to translate it to a tattoo. If ever I find myself on my knees again, I need only bare my ass to a mirror to remind me to get up and fight.
~S~

~Piece of me~

We follow where the wind blows

Where it will take us neither knows

 Connected by cosmic heart strings

And wondrous karmic things

 Our winds have collided before

On a Past life’s distant shore

 Souls are broken, hearts are shattered

Everyday like they never mattered

 As we always have, we met by chance

And quickly we began to dance.

 Rings of fire, comforts pure

Feats of strength the sweetest lure

 Tug of flesh and war of mind

A thief in you I'd surely find

 Kicking out the Devil’s sin

We know the answer lies within

Love and friendship always flows

It heals the wounds and deadly blows

Like a Tiger I shall strive

To always know I am alive.

 I hope the piece of me you take

Is a softness you cannot forsake

 Your gift of soul that came to be

Will always be a part of me……

……..for eternity.

~S~

Planets move thru the night sky, from one house to another, dragging our lost souls through countless lifetimes. Searching for each other, we have endured heart wrenching trials as the celestial strings connecting our souls, tug at one another when we stray too far. Two souls traveling thru time over millions of miles, calling out to one another, waiting for that chance meeting when we get to look in those familiar eyes again.  No matter the face they appear on this time, they are the window into the soul we have been searching for.  How many life times did you not find me? How many lifetimes have I passed you by? Or is this only the second time we are to meet since the first time?  Where have you been and what is the reason for meeting in this life?  The stars have written that I must re-live the pain of betrayal to be healed by you. How many lifetimes has my heart been betrayed?  Have I ever been betrayed by you?  Will you betray me today?  The memory of your healing soul swims thru my veins.   But is this all a fantasy in my head?  I've never before believed god protected me, but there you were, with a heaven sent gift that healed my wounds, just when I needed it the most. I’ve never felt anything so strongly before to be a truth to me.  My soul was fighting to survive my hearts suicide, when you came along and helped me find strength and courage I never knew I had. I inhaled all you had to give. Is your purpose fulfilled I wonder... Or is there more still unwritten?  You gave me such a powerful gift, that I pray it will be enough for me to finish out this lifetime and last the whole of eternity, and that I never have to use this strength in a battle with you.  I fear the stars are going supernova, ripping us apart.  If so, when will we meet again?  How many lifetimes must I live before I know you again?

~S~

~Heart Castle~

There’s a giant wall around my heart. It came out of no where, and is deflecting anyone and everything from getting inside.  My heart, the proverbial princess, is locked in a steel box, in the highest tower, protected by a fire breathing dragon.  Love cannot get in or out.  Dark nights on dark horses defend the stone wall perimeter, standing high above a shark infested ring of death.  The bridge incinerated so that not even the tiniest of harmless creatures can invade my space.  Who sentenced me to this imprisonment, was it my soul? My heart is usually something of a fairytale nymph prancing thru meadows riding a unicorn, open for all to see and betray at will.  This darkness, while strange and scary, is the by-product of fledgling strength.  I really am not strong enough to endure new pain.  The pain of the past has scarred over and faded with time.  Numb to the feelings for so long, I can’t feel a fresh cut, stab or blow.  How can someone break again, that which they shattered long ago? It stopped stinging when the broken pieces turned to dust.  The dark lord cannot hurt me anymore, but I learned the white knight can, and thus I must protect Humpty Dumpty’s super glued heart inside a massive fortress.  I cannot let the white knight in, no matter how mighty his sword and steed.  I have seen his face before in a dream and when I removed his coat of arms, demons lay behind it, and I cried tears of blood.  I cannot trust even my own two eyes, clouded and blind, they are not the guiding light.  My mind no longer trust worthy as the dove has delivered an orchard of poisoned olive branches.  I cannot trust what I see, hear and feel, when I catch my mind twisting the dark lord’s lies into bite sized truths I can swallow.  Is the white lord the devil in disguise? My mind screaming in silence, as everything is stained red and it all looks the same to me.  Stronger than the lords give me credit for, more fragile than I will ever let you see.  Unwilling to force my heart to endure anything less than extraordinary love, I will wait for the path to reveal itself to me, before I set the dragon free, disband the army and tear down the walls again.

~S~

~Defeat or Victory~

After the journey walking through hell

Morphing and falling under a spell

To find a way to stand face to face

With all of my demons and not lose my pace

But who is the woman with the angry war cry

Victory is hers, I cannot deny

Maybe just maybe, could it possibly be

This new person is not intrinsically me

Stern and cold, I don’t know her at all

My softness gave way to unbelievable gall

Ruled by Venus the Goddess of Love

It feels so foreign to behave so tough

I really don’t like this newfound she

Why did they force my hand to be thee

I know that I need her, unconquerable nerve

She’s a mighty mistress I will continue to serve

But I will not forget that I’m a loving soul

And for now, just for now, I’m playing a role

Sensuality and compassion will ultimately prevail

After all it is who I am…..without fail.

~S~

~Tornado~

I’m standing in the eye of a tornado.  But it is not wind and rain that swirls around me, it is my life.   And the same way a car can be picked up like a toy and land on top of you, so too can words, emotions and actions. Every one around me has an opinion of what I am doing or need to be doing. And I feel like the opinions are rogue items haphazardly flying around me that I need to constantly dodge, but can’t seem to do so, because they don’t hold still.  How do I navigate around deadly objects hurling them selves at me with the speed of a gale force wind and are never in the same place twice? Reaching into the debris field, trying to clear a path to find my way out, I’m stabbed again and again with self righteousness.  I feel dizzy from the constant contradictions, from both myself and from others, and I can’t keep up with the storm anymore. The wind calls to me, begging me to step out of the eye, through the crap, and into the sunshine on the other side.  But the calmness of the eye feels safe, though I know it is not.  So I step into the battlefield, braving the onslaught, hit after brutal hit, tear after woeful tear, cut after bloody cut, one final blow and I snap like a burnt twig.  I have finally thrown myself clear of the destruction.  Somehow on the other side, standing on my own two feet, but feeling like I’m on my knees.  Twas not long ago, I was on my knees feeling like I was flying. There is no sunshine here, just rain, tears from the sun and moon and stars washing over me.  Standing back, looking at the tornado, to weak to run from it again, hoping next time it passes me by.
~S~

~Soul Bird~

My soul, once free as a bird, cheery and bright
Long since caged and kept out of sight
Mangled and ugly after clipping my wings
Sad and afraid I can no longer sing
The door is now open, so I will not die,
But the guns pointed at me incase I should fly
Fearless his hand reaches to me
A finger to perch on and set me free
He shows me my song and the wide open land
I’ll soon want to fly, once I learn how to stand
But the voices keep telling me it’s better to stay
Flying is bad and there will be hell to pay
It’s safe in the cage where my soul is dead
I just can’t get flying out of my head.

~S~