What I am learning from Christian Carter

OMG....I know my marriage and it's failure is a 50/50 stock in it's demise, and I know that the kiss of death was the final affair he had.  Had he not done that, we would still be together today as I was a sorry excuse of a pile of goo not worthy to consume so much air.  IE: no back bone.  A couple of my friends were/are decidedly insistent that I get counseling, because there is no way....NO WAY....someone could go thru what I went thru for two decades and not need professional help.  And my whorish behavior was not helping my cause to deny a need for such help.  How ever, I haven't yet slept with a single man, so....I'm just saying....

Anyways, I decided that I did need some help...with DATING.  I have been locked up for so long that I just knew I was going to spaz out on some men and scare them away at best.  No way for a lady to get laid, that's for sure!  I have been on Christian Carter's email list for a while now and have been intrigued to say the least.  But poor as well. He is the dating guru to the girls.  The 'inside the mind of a man' guy.  The 'catch him and keep him' guy.  ...The "don't be a spaz "Shelly" guy. I knew I needed his help as I was leaning this direction.  Leaning in the direction of trying to force my life into the direction that I wanted it to go.  I'm a great catch and I know it....but how do I get guys to know it if I can't get them to ask me out?  What am I doing wrong?  I'm a very attractive woman(sexy, hot, beautiful are the words said to me), according to men, but not attractive enough to be seen in public with.  Hmmm.  I knew this just could not be true.  I messaged quite a good number of men and not a one of them replied, no matter HOW or WHAT I said in that message. 

So, I did the only thing I could do...I scouted out used copies of Christian's program.  I have gotten them all except one....and let me say...OMG... am I going to have fun DATING.  Honestly, I am not ready for a relationship....a knew it before...but it is for sure now.  My husband did a number on me for 2 decades, and I fell pray to all the common women's response to his bull shit.  Maybe if I had these programs back in the day, I could have averted many of our pitfalls, but I doubt it.  He was an alcoholic, and we were doomed to a marriage of mediocrity from the get go.  However, I never want to live that way again, so not only do I want to be able to spot an unhealthy man quickly, I want to know how to ATTRACT the right man, and know how not to push him away once I do find him.  I don't want to fall for a man, I want to fall in love because I CHOSE the right man. I know his programs are going to help me do just that.  And why do I know this?

Because I am learning how to control myself, learning to heal myself, learning that my husbands problems of infidelity and alcohol issues were NOT my fault.  I'm learning how a guy might perceive my behavior, not me girlfriend's.  I personally think these tapes will be far better for me than counseling ever would have been.  I love some of the 'experts' he has interviewed as well Such as Marie Forleo and Lauren Francis. I can't wait to get thier stuff too, along with many other guest speakers he has shared in his programs.

The best part about them, is that I am getting instant results too.  I happen to be very introspective and study from programs like this all the time, so I am quick to understand, conceptualize and put into practice.  While I will eventually go back and do each program with pen in hand.  At the moment I am just listening to each CD as fast as I can, to get thru them ALL, so I could figure out how to chill and stop forcing my life.  I have all this pent up sexual energy that is literally bursting out of me.  I can only unleash it on the guys at the gay bar for so long before I will explode!  The partying is almost out of my system, and my gay guy friends really help me cut loose and let it all out.  I'm going to have to contact Christian and thank him as soon as I get more of myself figured out.  I've been listening to non stop Cd's in the car on my commute, and my inner spirit has already undergone a major overhaul that the whole world around me is commenting on.  Thanks Christian....you ROCK!  You have saved a whole lot of men from my uncontrollable sexual tension.

I will be blogging soon about Marie and Lauren as they have helped me immensely as well.

Peace n Love
~S~

Click here for more info on Christian Carter and his amazing products.

Unfortunate series of events

I can't believe I have been single for a week and half now.  It feels like months.  I hit the ground running and had my first date on my first night that I was single.  It was good.  Lots of good conversation, seduction and touching.  WE fooled around and I lost my cool.  I was powerless to his kisses and found my pants around my ankles in no time.  But this is where it turns bad......He had an impetance problem.  I felt bad but I had to get out of there.  For god sakes i just left a 20ys relationship where I wasn't satisfied due to limpness issues, and I am not going to start out with another one.  I've discovered that sex IS important to me.  An important way I would like to express my feelings and an important way to recieve someone elses expression.  It went from being about two people enjoying an experience together to being about a man and his problem.  For god sakes, I'm not Dr. Ruth!  I bailed.  I was soooo disapointed.  Left there just as sexually frustrated as I showed up.  But...I learned alot about what I want, and how I want to present myself.

As for my husband, he lost his fool head and after only a day and a half, started to beg me to come home.  Pleading with me, confessing deep love and regret, and promising to be able to change if he could just come back home.  This was basically a nightmare for me for 3 days.  He did manage to attend AA meetings all week, and also is doing a great bit of work in the Dr Phil Relationship Rescue book.  He admitted to his affair last year with a woman from work, and admitted to being the one to contact the first whore again, not her contacting him.  However, these are just small gestures in the grand scheme of things.  There is no way of knowing if there is a long lasting effect, and I refuse to take him back.  I asked him to back off, give me space, and told him that I don't know what the future holds, but at this point there is only a very teeny chance that somewhere in the future we can talk about US.

Narcissistically Me

It was suggested to me that my husband is a narcissist, and most likely suffers from Narcissistic Personality disorder. So I looked it up.  I thought I knew what it meant, and although I was pretty close, it is of course far more involved than what I suspected.  As I read, it not only became clear to me that YES he indeed does suffer from NPD, but that I may be a narcissist as well, quite possibly my son too.  The good news is that characteristics of narcissism are, to a great exten,t a normal part of self development.  It is when we don’t grow out of it as we mature, or it becomes excessive that we have an issue.  So my concern for my son was quickly alleviated, but as for myself, not so much. 

I found a test to take online to determine if I was a narcissist….and especially excessively so…..and all I can say is….”Whew” No I'm not…but it then appeared that I might have a superiority complex …..oh lord.  So off to google again to find a test for THAT.  Good news….seems I suffer from an inferiority complex instead and may use superiority techniques to disguise it. 

Hmmm…I wonder how much being molested as a child, raised by a poor single mother with borderline personality disorder, a non-existent narcissistic father, alcoholic step parents, raped as a teen, and living 19ys with an alcoholic narcissistic husband….have anything to do with that??

So the more I thought about it, the more I decided…..to some extent and in varying degrees….we ALL have some kind of personality disorder or neurosis…it’s the ones who’s disorders inflict pain on others that are the problem….and that group would include my husband.  And I would venture to say, any one involved with a compulsive cheater, such as I am, is most likely involved with a narcissist.  Because it takes a whole lot of lack of empathy to repeatedly betray the one you supposedly love. 

~S~

For those that want to 'test' yourself or your cheating partner....

Here is the test.

Till death do us part

I, (my cheating ass husband), take you, (the dipshit that believed this BS), to be my lawfully wedded wife. To have and to hold, for better or for worse, for richer and for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part. 

That’s right, that’s what he said.  Does he know, does anyone know, the meaning of the word ‘vow’ anymore?  That it is a solemn PROMISE.  I think too many people, my husband included, have detached the meaning from the word. 

But lets not blame ignorance to the English language just yet.....Maybe it is the ‘vows’ themselves that are outdated or misunderstood.  Obviously, rich/poor, sick/healthy and love are self explanatory…but I will touch on those later.  Let's first look at….this “to have and to hold” crap??  What exactly did I promise to ‘have’ and to ‘hold’?  This almost makes it sound like we are property….maybe this one is WAY too outdated.  Yikes! 

For “better or worse” ?? These are really just a bit too vague to me.  Of course we will always prefer someone at their 'Better'......but.....Worse?…hmmm…Are we really promising to stay married to someone who takes the ‘worse’ to the extreme....to still cherish them at the absolute WORST?  Drugs, robbery, murder?  Well... maybe for some people, ok, but not for the majority of us.  I think few would turn some one away for being too 'Rich'......But what about 'Poorer'?  If they choose to become a free spirit and never work again, are we really promising to support someone forever who decides to just be a couch potato, making no significant contribution to the marriage or the world at large?  Then there is sickness, I know this is a touchy subject, but what if the sickness is Schizophrenia with paranoid delusions and our lives become in danger?  Or they are permanently brain dead?  I think most of us would admit, that they would not knowingly marry a crazy person, so why should we stay with them if they become one or lied about being one?  And on that note....

What if they lied to us about who they were to get us to marry them?  We promised these things to a person that we 'thought' we knew....not the person who they turn out to be.  Had I known my husband was an angry alcoholic...I certainly would not have said yes in the first place.  Had I known that he had no idea how to support me emotionally, mentally and spiritually.....I would never have made those promises to him...

My husband did not keep his "promise" to stay faithful when I was down and out after my accident.  No cherishing me, no compassion and understanding when I needed it most.  He did not help me or take care of me or even care that I was in pain.  Instead, he felt sorry for himself that he was not getting the attention he felt he deserved and selfishly sought it from a low life whore...several in fact.

While one might think the above time honored traditional vows are the best promises to make, I think there are certainly a few missing or at least not spelled out in the 'terms' we really want to.  Next time, if these are not included in vows made to me, I will not say yes.....:

I will keep my dick in my pants.  I won’t tell lies so I can flirt with and screw other woman.  I will not have an affair.  I will not play mind games with you to make you think you are crazy, just so I can have MY way.


I will not dump ALL the responsibilites on you, and then blame you when things go wrong.


I will support you and stand by you in times of need and not leave you hanging to figure everything out on your own.


I will not do things to make your life harder and add to your burdons.


There are obviously plenty more to add to this list, but I just wanted to say the basic ones I felt could be added....

These will be my vows at my next wedding, should I ever get married again, because lets face it...I prefer to just be brutally honest from this point forward....I think we all deserve no less...and IF you are going to promise something to someone....I think it should be something that you realistically can foresee and uphold....so here it is....

I, Goddess Supreme, promise to love you, King of my world, under the following conditions until the day you fuck up.  I will love you while you are healthy, self sufficient, debt free, and able to produce multiple orgasms. I will give you my heart and soul, so long as you give me yours.  I will not cheat on you in ANY way.  I will be your friend, lover, and soul mate for as long as you are mine.  I make you this one and only solemn vow.....I WILL: gouge your eyes out with an ice pick if you look at other women, poison your food if you talk to them, and melt your cock off with a blow torch if you fuck one.  At that point….we will definitely be parted by death….YOURS. 

Yes we are suppose to honor our promises and keep them, but are we really suppose to take this promise thing to the extremes or continue to honor them when our better half does not? 

I think not.

~S~

Letting go

What a week!  Some good, some bad, some indifferent.  Josh and I together, finally talked last night and called 'time of death' on the romantic side of our friendship.  We missed talking to each other, but both know we are too different to ever be more than just really good freinds.  One of the things we both agree on is that it was fate that we were meant to meet each other.  I reminded him that I will always cherish the gift he gave me and that he is my angel that will always be a part of me.  I wished we could have hugged it out in the end. 

Problem is when I got back home all Hell broke loose and I have no idea at this moment the current 'state' of my marriage.  While obviously destroyed, we weren't fighting until last night and it was a doozy!  After previously admiting on his own that he has not put any effort into changing the last 3 weeks and me agreeing to a couple more weeks....he just lost his damn fool head.  I know him well, and know it was all about putting me on the defensive so that it can again be all 'my' fault.  So he can be in control again.  The fact that he would honestly at this point agree to something he absolutely did not want....an open marriage....rather than dig deep, do some soul searching and GROW......tells me just how sobering the reality of my fantasy is......and that this will never work.  Well good for you babe....take your control, blame and misery and get the fuck OUT!!!  I may starve to death physically without you, but mentally, emotionally and spiritually I will thrive and flourish on my own.

~S~

Clinging to snap shots

"There are 31,530000 seconds in a year.  1000 milliseconds in a second.  1 million micro seconds. A billion nano seconds.  And the one "constant", connecting nano seconds to years, is change.  The universe, from atom to galaxy, is in a perpetual state of flux.  But we humans don't like change. It scares us. So we create the illusion of stasis. We want to believe in the world at rest, the world of right now. Yet our great paradox remains the same. The moment we grasp the "now".....that 'now' is gone.  We cling to snap shots, but life is moving pictures, each nano second different than the last. Time forces us to grow and to doubt, because every time we blink our eyes, the world shifts beneath our feet.  Every day,  every moment, every nano second, the world changes.  Electrons bump into each other and react, people collide, and alter each others paths.  Change isn't easy. More often than not, it's wretched and difficult.  But maybe that's a good thing, because it's change that makes us strong, keeps us resilient, and teaches us to evolve."... Touched

I have been clinging to a very few happy snap shots of a 20ys horrible marriage.  Looking back thru the photo album of our life, there are really few truly happy moments.  And most of them were due to external things, not relationship bliss.  Oddly, some of our happiest moments together are from the last few months, yet here we are, in relationship hell again.  He doesn't seem to grasp just how serious I am about leaving.  He asked, rather begged, for another chance...pleading he would do 'anything' to make me happy.  Yet as the first two weeks of this 3 week trial have passed us by, his efforts have been modest, and came to a screeching halt when met with the teeniest of resistance.  I know in his heart he loves me.  That is not in question.  What is in question is the manner in which he has chosen to NOT show it over the years.  He was raised in a home where affection was non existent, even to small children and infants.  But should this be a crutch, a cop out, or MY responsibility to teach him?  I have tried in many ways to show him over the years, and I am at the point that if he can't figure it out, it's just not my problem any more, it is his.  I want out of life what I want, and that is just that. We are not the 20 somethings of our youth when we got married.  I am not a naive little girl any more.  I know I am not innocent in the failings of our marriage, but I have done my part, above and beyond to repair any of my undoings.  He however has no conviction to do the same.  I took near full responsibility for the first affair (stupid...I know) due to circumstances beyond both our control.  Again I completely over looked the second affair, and said nothing to him of my knowlege of it.  I just pulled up my knickers (rather down) and did what I needed to do, to put our relationship back on track....granted it was still no fairy tale fantasy.  I have endured his alcoholism, his tyrades, his perpetual flirting, practically living alone as he spends all his time in the garage.....and "I" have evolved.  He has not.  The world around us changes every moment and I am changing too.  I can finally define what it is I desire and I know it exists out in the open world around me.  I know it is not existing in my home.  He has mistaken this to think that I am some totally new woman, but I really am not.  My desires are things that I have always desired.....but my vision was foggy.  I can clearly see now, that which I have always needed but been too afraid to truly ask for it.  Thinking I didn't desreve it.  Now I know I do.

That last kiss of his with the family friend..."the kiss of death" as I call it.....I asked him why he let it happen.  His reply was...."I couldn't believe a woman like that wanted a man like me".......WTF??

He should.....SHOULD..... feel that way about me.  For god sakes....she isn't THAT fabulous.  I however AM. 

~S~

Thinking ~vs~ Freefalling

As a Libra, I am governed by such actions as being a peace maker, love maker, and seeker of harmony.  I am governed by reason and objectivity most of my waking life.  However, it would be nice for once if I could toss all that aside and just follow my heart.  Let emotions guide my decisions not just my actions.  Act before taking weeks to thoroughly think things through.  I know that many people leap without thinking, and more often than not, it is to their own detriment.  But I often see people throwing caution to the wind, as a primary guidance system, and they always land on top.  Why are some people risks takers and other people nervous nellies? Neither, on quick observation,  is the optimum. And both can result in harm, by way of over action or inaction.

I wouldn't categorize myself as either though.  After all I did smoke some pot this last weekend, I had sex with a near stranger, i turned down a ride to walk alone.....downtown at 2:30 in the morning.... and.... occasionally I run with scissors....So I am no nervous nellie.  But, it isn't as though I have jumped out of a plane, tossed my husbands shit out the window the second I caught him cheating, or run naked through a baseball stadium.  One would think, my entire life should be the epitome of balance, as a Libra anyways.  Neither too cautious nor too adventurous, somewhere in the middle, I thought I had found a balance.  And thus, if you find a balance, I would think....things would normally work out well.  So how did I go so wrong?   Why can't I just take the damn chance and KICK HIS ASS OUT.  Why do I have to let my sense of fairness come into play, no one plays fair with me?  Why can't I stop putting others feelings first and put myself first?  I kind of am, by putting a 'time limit' on this 'try to see if it can work' crap.  But I keep hearing of women who caught the bastard....and his ass was habitating the curb 3 minutes later.....HELL....my own mother in law said she would have kicked him out.  WTF is wrong with me, and will I have the balls to cut the cord next week?

~S~

Fools and the Fooled

How do you know the difference between being a fool and being fooled? As I stood alone in front of a bar, I wondered why I didn't ask myself this question sooner, because it might have saved me from having to walk a half mile or so alone in the dark at 2:30 in the morning, not to mention a raging hangover....and more than a few shed tears.   The really bad part was that I had no idea when i started walking, I was going to feel like a bigger fool before the night was over.

So let's back up, as obviously the story doesn't begin at the closing of a bar, not even at how I was convinced that walking there in the first place was a good idea.... It started off much sooner.  I had been planning on spending this weekend w Josh for a while now, but nearly backed out due to my husband and I kind of splitting up this week.  Monday I told him I wanted to separate, Tuesday he cried all day begging me for a second chance. After a long evening discussing his "promise" that he would do anything to make it work,  I told him I needed time to think about it.  Wednesday he was an asshole that I went to dinner w a girl friend when he didn't come straight home from work  and didn't have the common courtesy  to text me... So I left.  Thursday was my favorite with a very long lecture from my father, summarizing all the reasons in which I am to blame and somehow deserved 19 of misery and that I would be a fool for not giving my husband a chance, and that my future would be even more miserable as a poor single mother and I don't have what it takes to survive on my own.  Add to all this, that after last weekend, it seemed evident that the fling w Josh had been flung into "just friends" after his man whore escapades at the bar last weekend. Which was fine, as he's a great friend.... But it was an experience I didn't want to repeat. 

So Friday when Josh told me to "come over now, I miss you", I jumped at the chance for one last getaway while I sorted my feelings out.  I wanted to see if he was worth not giving him up, to give my husband a chance.  My husband of course was a complete jackass when i told him i was leaving for the weekend, not wanting to give me space and time to think about things, and showing me that he is most likely incapable of change, so a short second chance might be a great way to show him how it is HE who can't make this work, or the space he needed to discover that I'm worth him making a change for.  At the very least it would be made evident that he doesn't have that hold over me, that I am serious about moving on, with or without him.

Josh and I had a great night watching a movie and talking, and all of our Saturday was filled with amazing friendship.  We talked about my plan of giving my husband a three week chance, so I could know deep in my soul that I tried everything.  It seemed that "just friends" was confirmed and I could easily step away from Josh during that time frame and not have to lie to my husband anymore about where I was going so i could meet Josh.... Because "friends" don't need to actually see each other alot to stay friends.  So I was stunned when Josh planted a passionate kiss on my lips before we started walking to the bar.    Back into the land of confusion I went, and back into worry about a repeat man whore night.   Although Josh and I have no commitment, my husband did leave me shred of self respect, which as you will read later how this oozes irony, Josh has been instrumental in helping me to grow that self respect.  So when the alcohol started to get the better of him, rather than stand in his way of having a good time, I would have left.... Had I only not been a fool to walk there in the first place.... And if I'd have known I was going to walk back alone in the end.... I would have done it then and there and not waited until I had no other choice.  But I didn't.... So of course the story continues.  I did have a blast making new friends.... Gotta give a shout out to Lisa whom I was ALMOST drunk enough to let her be my first bisexual experience, and Mark n Nicole a great couple vacationing from Australia.  But, Josh one upped me in the new friends department.  At the end of the night as we walked out of the bar this one woman confronted me asking if Josh was my man.  I told her no, but I'd had enough and snapped.  I'd had enough, hit my limit of tolerance, and told her if she wanted to "tap that" not to let me stand in the way.  I told Josh I'd wait around the corner.  

Bringing us back to the front of that bar, me standing there pondering the notion of my foolishness.  I heard them talking for a while, as I was talking to another woman, while she waited for a ride, whom he was hitting on last weekend. As their voices faded into the back of the parking lot.... I smoked a cigarette.  A good 20 min had passed, I could no longer hear their voices, so I went looking for him, and he was no where to be found. Then and there,  I decided I was most certainly a fool.  I reached for my phone to call him, but it was dead.  I knocked on the bar door and had his friend text him that I was walking back to his house.  I figured I had just enough respect for my self not to stand there like the biggest fool on the planet.  Luckily I made it safely to his house alone and found the spare key in the mail box so I could let myself in and get my things and my car keys and plug my phone in.

I sat in my car for a bit to sober up and calm down before deciding where I was going to go from there, when my phone rang, from Josh.  Yada yada yada.... I find myself pulling up to her car at burger king to get him, and endure one last self inflicted stab to my dignity.  As they sat there and laughed and joked, taking an occasional jab at me, I contained my boiling blood long enough for him to get in my car and get us back to his house.  Because as a friend.... There were a few things that just needed to be said..... Something along the lines of FUCK YOU.  Though that is not how it went as we talked, we expressed our feelings in the best way two drunken fools could do.  And in the end, I was crying my eyes out.  I stayed the night regardless because I really was in no shape to be driving around, it was already 4am and lets face it.....a warm bed beats the back seat of a small car on any day of the week......so on that issue....I am no fool and garnered a full 2 hours sleep!

In the morning light, things were such that we could talk about it a bit better, he appologised, I was able to get my feelings off my chest, and I was able to leave feeling a bit better.  As I drove home, one burning question kept nagging at me.  He always says how amazing I am....

If I am so fucking amazing....why the HELL did I walk home alone at 2:30 in the morning?

I remembered a drunken moment in the bar, talking to Nicole, while he was talking to Mark....we were both explaining how we had met.  I heard him say, as he has said before...."She is the most amazing person I have met since I got to California".....I then said to Nicole......"He has much to learn.....and he is going to really miss me and kick himself when I am gone...he will regret this mistake".....
I just had no idea that mistake was only minutes away.  When we first met, he had some notion that any lesson I could teach him, from a cougar to a cub, would be sexual.  And while that may be true in a sense....I think the lesson he ultimately learns, will be of the heart.  I'm no little girl, I am a woman, none like he has ever met before.  One like few others have met before. I am gentle and loving, soulful and spiritual, but what lies within.....a sleeping, fire breathing dragon......he woke her up and she is now ready to kick some serious ass.

Again.....
If I am so fucking amazing....why the HELL did I walk home alone at 2:30 in the morning?

My phone rang about a half hour from his house, I was almost home.  It was Josh delivering a sincere apology with undertones of regret.  I still was unable to really say what he needed to hear, what I really needed to say.  Things that I was afraid to say to him. But I did manage to say them the next morning, after I got home, and layed it all on the line for my husband and my kid.  They got the brunt of my final straw with Josh....they got Custards Last Stand.  I figured 20ys of being nice got me no where.....lets see how they like "Bitch"....I told them I will not be pushed around by them any more.  Because honestly.....I've been standing in front of a bar for 20ys......It's time to walk the fuck home.....alone.....It's up to them if they want to join ME.....I'm not waiting around for any one, ever again.  So my talk with Josh this morning was good and I was able to ask him that question...."If I am so fucking amazing, why did I walk home alone"  his reply....."I'm a dick"....that you are.

So how do you know the difference between being a fool and being fooled?

I was fooled into being the one to stand alone waiting for a jack ass.  "The fooled" is the one begging someone to respect them.  "The fooled" is the one who had to walk home alone.  But the FOOL is the one who let an amazing brilliant woman slip through his hands.  I'm one in a million boys, if you get the once in a lifetime chance to catch a shooting star...I suggest you hold on tight. 

Peace OUT.
~S~

I think I kinda have myself a boyfriend

When I started this blog, it was to journal the adventures I was having online, while I decided if I was going to leave my husband or not.  And now a short while later, it is clearly going to be about this guy I am seeing.  Why? Well it seems I am a serial monogamist. Sounds weird seeing as I am now married with a "boyfriend". But I just can't bring myself to continue to talk to all these men online, when I'm finding myself wanting to put all my energy into Josh.  I don't even think about these men anymore, and when I get a message from one of them, it feels like an  invasion on my mind.  And replying to them feels like a chore that I don't want to do.  It isn't a conscious decision to ignore them, it's Just that Josh made me forget all about them and I dont have the time or energy to invest in everyone.

I left work early yesterday so I could spend more time with Josh as I told my husband I was going shopping after work, not knowing when I might get to see him again, I wanted as much time with him as possible.  I got there around 3pm.  We talked for over an hour and had some very passionate sex again.  Hot damn he is one good lover.  Then we talked until I left at 8pm.  I came home to find my husband drunker than usual and the legal stuff I was waiting for sitting on the table.  More about that in a minute.  Then Josh and I talked on the phone for 2 hours. So there's another 6 hours of talking.  Blows my mind we have that much to say to each other. Yesterday he kinda referenced me to others as his girlfriend.  And despite us both expressing that we are in no way shape or form anything like anyone we have ever dated before.....that we are growing on each other.

One of my online male friends along with my best friend, warned me not to fall to fast or too hard.  To make sure and keep my emotions out of it.  I think I am doing well with this so far.  But many things in my past that I thought I had under control, has blindsided me later down the road.  I'm sure this will be no different. While I don't feel like I am getting very emotionally attached, I will probably find out otherwise at some point in the future.

So as to that legal matter I was waiting for.  The thing that has loomed over my head for nearly 2 months now.  The thing that was the icon for decision day.  Knowing the out come of this legal matter, would be the intro into my finally making a decision.  Now that it is upon me, I wish I had a bit more time.  My friends keep asking me what I am going to do, and Josh and I talked about it quite a bit yesterday.  I have 4 options.
1. Give him yet another chance to change and stop cheating.  Become a lover and not just a roommate.
2. Tell him I want an open marriage.  Which I have already mentioned to him as an option.
3. Kick his sorry ass to the curb, and begin divorce proceedings.
4. Continue on this course, lying and cheating myself, and make a decision later.

Regardless, no matter what which option other than giving him another chance I choose, I need to get all my ducks in a row before I talk with  him, so that if he chooses something different, things are ready for an immediate split.  I don't know why I feel so bad putting him out on the street, even if it is temporary.  Which I guess could be option #5, a trial separation. Many couples break up and get back together like they live in a revolving door.  I have never even tried that.  But I know I have to have my finances in order before I do anything of the sort.  I need to know I can pay for everything on my own, if he chooses not to anti up child support on his own without a court order.  So I guess sitting down and making a split budget would be my first order of business.

I really hate that D day has arrived and now the ugliness and nastiness is about to begin.  At least I have Josh for now, and plan on seeing him again on thursday, and also am going to plan next weekend 'visiting an out of town friend".  One day, One sorted affair at a time.

~S~

The scorned wifes revenge.....

can only be that she finds a man who comfirms in her mind that everything horrible her husband made her believe about herself was a lie.   If it can be more than just a one night stand....even better.  And I found just that in Josh. I talked to him Sunday night and agreed to meet him Monday after work.  I looked forward to it all day, and was comforted by his warmness and sincerity when I arrived.  I was so afraid the magic from sat night would be gone.  But no......My god, when I talk, he looks into my eyes with honest intrest and hangs on my every word.  Not in a creepy or nerdy kind of way....rather in that passionate way every woman wants a man to look her.  Like she is the most amazing creature on earth.  And that is how he looks at me.  Our visit was only an hour because he had other plans with family.  So we texted a little and then talked on the phone for about an hour n half until 12:30a.  I swear there is never a dull or silent moment between us.  He made references to things he'd like to do with me this summer.....SUMMER?  He's thinking that far into the future with me?  REALLY?  I was floored.  I just took it at face value and tried not to get too wrapped up into that, as there were many things he said that made me know he sees some kind of future with me.  I know we will be great friends, with or without benifits....though he talked about future benifits too......  My oh my.....I am gettin swept right off my married little feet.  Everytime I think of the things he has done to me, I get a flash across my skin that is white hot and tingly..... I am seeing him again tonight.  I have the perfect 'excuse'.  My husband can sit around wondering where I'm at, just like I have done thousands of times in the past.
~S~

The day that never ended

Well hell's bells, color me purple and tickle me pink.....what an amazing night.  Josh and I started out just getting something to eat, fast food, and we sat there and talked for an hour.  We headed to a dive bar for a drink and a game of pool, yet we really enjoyed just talking to each other.  We went back to his place, cuddled in a chair together to watch tv.....but really just talked some more.  We then went into his bedroom where we talked until 4 in the morning holding each other.  He definitely made it easy for me to be comfortable, it was like we were already really good friends. He also was not scared by the "H-Bomb" (dreaded herpes) .....And I laid there thinking...."To hell with sex! This is better than sex! We're holding each other!"..... What I needed, he gave me great!  But I was secretly hoping he'd make a move on me. We were both getting tired and rolled over to spoon and that is where our friendship quickly and passionately moved to the next level.  And can I just say.....OOOH....MY.....GOD!!!!


This young man, yes I am now officially a cougar with him 13ys my junior, rang my bell like it has never been rung before.  Anything and everything I ever thought I knew about sex prior to last night was WRONG.  Especially when it comes to my husband.  I have always wondered all these years, what I would be like with another man.....as a grown woman.  If I wasn't with someone who lacked passion, creativity, the art of foreplay and the ability to last more than a few minutes....would I in turn be able to be the lover I believe myself to be?  I thought somehow all these years that I was not very good in bed as my husband would have me believe.  Turns out I am an animal and I heard just as much calls to god from him as he heard from me. 

The second he turned me over from the spoon position to kiss me....I knew I was in trouble.  His kiss was nothing short of amazing and honestly I could do it for hours with him.  But it was just a prelude to the passion fest I was longing for, desiring and searching for, and about to be totally submersed it.  I was so afraid for it to be like what i get at home, knowing that sex, just like the men, is like a box of chocolates.....you never know what your are going to get.  The good news....I bit into the best piece of candy in the box! What followed the kiss was exactly what I needed.  He gave it to me good! He literally blew my mind and my body and fed my soul.  Since it had been a while for him, he did his best to last as long as he could.....which was easily 5 times longer than what I am used to.  Every second of it was filled with surprise and pure ecstasy. When done we talked some more while he promised me it would be even better in the second round.  He was not lying and he rocked my world 10 times harder and longer the second time.  I was definately a freak in the sheets. And every sound that came out of his mouth was passionate, and no matter what he said, it was the way he said it, be it saying my name, fuck, god, oh god, even the way he moans and sighs....it all turned me on that much more.  I was not self conscious about my body because he rocked it like I was a goddess, and I played my body like it was an electric guitar at a Rock Concert!


Afterwards we laid there, so entangled in each other, covered in sweat and cum, with soft kisses here and there on each other until we drifted off to sleep.  Unfortunately my chariot turned to a pumpkin by 7am and I had to go.  I wish I knew then that I could have stayed several more hours before beating my husband home, as I would have loved to lay there in his arms with his warm lips touching my skin every now and then for the rest of the day.  I want it again, and I want it now.  I just have to figure out how to schedule it, what my reasons for not being home will be, and how long I will be able to stay in his arms. 


One thing is for sure.....my marriage is over.  I will not stay with him one second longer than I absolutely have to.  I had no idea sex could be so dam good.  He has chosen to pursue other women repeatedly.  I'm done..

A mans biggest mistake is giving another man the opportunity to make his woman smile.


~S~ 

I'm shocked.....and I'm never shocked!

....continued from last post.....
It is now 5:24 and I was shocked and excited when my phone rang and it was Josh.  I never would have expected when I rolled into the Burger King drive thru last night, that it would end in a date.  It is quite literally the craziest thing I have ever done, or am about to do, but I agreed to forego my original plans with my best friend and her boyfriend and my friend from tagged.com "Bo".....because of the rush I got when my phone rang and I saw that it was Josh.  I don't know why, but I am so intrigued by him.  We are calling it a casual meeting to become friends, but the way he was hitting on me last night.....there sure is a possibility for a hell of a lot more than that.  I am not getting dressed up, I am going in shorts and a tank top, about as casual as one can get.  And I think it will keep the pressure low, and things more on a casual side and maybe I will be able to be less nervous, less self conscious and more talkative than I was with Rich today. I think there is something about the fact that this guy, new in town, who seems outwardly like he's possibly a guy with little offer.....yet does what most of the more 'proper gentleman' can't seem to do....which is make commitment and keep it.  Rich excluded.

If I wasn't convinced before that for me there is a life after divorce.....I sure am now!
Stay tuned and I will let you know how tonight ends.
~S~

The night that never ended.....

....continuation from last post.....
I fell asleep rather quickly at 6:30 and was awoken abruptly at 8:15, by what I don't know...but my phone rang a few minutes later...and my head was pounding as the reality of my hang over was looming over my bed.  I looked at the phone and was quite taken aback that it was Josh.  He was bright and perky and seemed genuinely thrilled i answered the phone....I however just wanted another hour or so of sleep....and asked him for his forgiveness and to call me back in a little while.  He seemed a bit dejected but agreed.  I tried to fall back asleep, but 15 minutes later Rich texted saying he had a crazy idea of taking me to breakfast, despite our date we made for lunch on monday and asked if I was awake and could he call. Since I was unsuccessful in falling back asleep, I agreed and he called.  I was thrilled and surprised when he asked if he could confess something. Of course I said yes, and he professed that he had entered my city in his navigation system and was clueless as to what would have made him so presumptuous, but that he was almost to the destination where he would either turn to go home, or continue straight to come meet me....a near two hour drive.  I asked how close he was, and at that point....he had already missed his exit for home.  I suggested he continue on the route he was on, that breakfast sounded delicious.

We talked all the way to where he lost cell service about 15min away from our rendezvous point.  I quickly cleaned up and headed to meet him.  We got coffee and continued on down the road to the walking trail at the lake, and sat by the rivers edge talking.  On the phone we agreed that we would be friends and see when we met if there was any physical chemistry, if so we would take it from there.  The cool part is he is totally understanding of my situation, the length of time it may take to resolve it, and is patient enough to wait things out.  But first.....a kiss to see just how powerful the chemistry is.  I have to admit, not being drunk, or even a little tipsy, I was quite nervous.  I was at a loss for words most of the time, and until the third kiss....I was not sure of the chemistry.  He however knew it the instant we met.  Where I was totally convinced was when we changed location to a park seat, straddling it facing each other...things got a bit more heated and he sucked a mean nipple....I was hooked and got lost in it for just a second.  I have to admit, physically he is not my type.  But mentally and sensuously....he won me over.  We said our good bye's, I came home to shower to get his smell off me....just in case my husband showed up unexpectedly, and called him to keep him company on his way home.  I must have rattled on for an hour, with all the words i was too shy to speak in his presence, until he needed to got to bed so he could get up in a few hours for work.  He reminded me how bad he wanted me, but that he was a patient man, and would wait as long as it takes.  Were still on for monday for lunch.

During this time, I was worried about Josh though as I had promised to meet him today.  I had no cell service at the river and hoped he had not called me.  Turns out he had not, but since he originally asked me to call him, I decided to be assertive and call him.  He apologized for not calling as he got busy on a project with his dad and was on his way to pick up his nephew to go see the new Avengers movie and said he would call when it was over.  Which at this point 5pm.....should be within the next half hour.

Now originally I had plans with not only my best friend and her boyfriend to go out, but I also made soft plans with another TAGGED.COM friend "Bo" as both plans happen to be in the same city, i thought i might be able to combine them into one mega plan.  At this point though....I have not heard from my best friend despite my text to her last night to call me asap to confirm.  I need to get busy with all this as Bo gets off work any minute and i promised to get in touch with him to confirm.  If I had my choice, strangely I would rather spend my evening with Josh....I'm intrigued....far more than I am with Bo....and i could do without the hang over.  But I will take what ever fun I can get on my last free night to do what ever I want, guilt and worry free.

I'm going to officially say the 'night" finally over......and a new one is hopefully about to begin.  Should I not get a response from anyone....I just may text my new female friend i met at the bar last night....and ask if she is going again.....and meet her there rather than go it 'alone' again.  I could however make one last ditch effort to entice Callen to come out of the house and meet me.
UPDATE......Plans confirmed..... continued in next post....take a peek to see with who!

~S~

Dilema....sit alone naked, or go out alone and feel naked?

Isn't it funny, those that have lack of morals, who find it ok to cheat, always find the time to do it, and the people to do it with.  Yet, those that don't have it in their morals, who suddenly decide they want to get 'even', try to play the 'bad girl' or what ever.....are too chicken to make the time.  Waiting for the perfect opportunity to not get caught.....and then all the plans fall thru at the last second......leaving them and their perfect day empty handed.

That's me, tonight.  I had soft plans with a TAGGED.COM friend "Callen", that I figured would fall thru, but was hoping for non the less.  See, this is my perfect weekend.  He's gone all weekend.  I have the house all to myself and little to no chance of getting caught or having to lie about anything .  And tried to plan it as well as i could to have a little fun.  Instead i spent the last two hours online, sitting at my desk naked, trying to get the gumption to go out alone.  I even hit up a new local friend on tagged in hopes he was available....NOT.  So I decided to get dressed and go out anyways.  I'll let you know how it goes......
......to be continued in next post.......
~S~

~H~ ……The Scarlet letter

I got to experience the pleasure of having the dreaded ‘talk’ for the first time last night.  Confessing the fact that I have herpes.  I didn’t know I had it when I got married 20ys ago, so I haven’t had to confess this before, in a situation where it really mattered.  Well actually I did have the talk three years ago, one time, and it ended the same way. (forgot about that)  It’s just not something I think about, as it isn’t an issue in my marriage, since my husband has it too, so I tend to forget I have it. 

There is nothing like the awkward silence that befalls the phone call, the nano second the word herpes rolls of your tongue.  Things were going pretty good for a possible ‘hook up’, would have been my first one, and then……silence.  I was kind, and removed the hook from his lip and threw him back in the water quickly.  I told him I would make it easy for him and end the conversation there, and after thinking about it, he could call me again, or not….no hard feelings…… lets just say I’m not holding my breath.

And that was THAT.  He did mention we could still play on the phone together, but I think not….. Considering I have limited opportunities and limited time to create them…..and obviously a challenge like this one is permanently in my way, so I see no reason wasting my precious time on someone that will never see it thru….rather see me thru.  There’s plenty of other fish in the sea, and I need to get busy fishing….if I am ever going to do this.

The more I think about it, the more depressed I become.  Why does it feels like a death sentence?

~S~

Men are like a box of chocolates….

You never know what your gonna get.  I have made my self quite a few male friends on the TAGGED site in the last 6 weeks.  They range in personality from so sweet and respectful that you can barely get them to flirt if your buck naked….all the way to the kinky sex freaks who want to have you hanging from a chandelier in a wild orgy.  I have kept an open mind, and even when they talk about things that make me uncomfortable…I just remind myself…..that it’s just words on a piece of paper….it won't kill me to listen.  Sometimes they can get a little pushy or over zealous, and send me pics or videos that shock the heck out of me….that doesn’t bother me nearly as much as when the they get pushy asking for pics of me.  Some guys just give me the creeps, they are dirty old pervs or poon hounds…..fortunately that is what the delete button is for.  Some guys never say a word.  Then there are the good friends. The ones who care and check in on me daily with sincerity.  They listen well, even if they are not heavy on the talking them selves.  Those are my life friends.

And last but not least…the ones who melt my heart or knock my socks off.  In the world of virtual dating, all you have is words or pics, so they need to be good unless your a total skank and will just share your muff with anyone, any time for any reason.  I am not, so the pursuit and the chase, the wooing and tantalizing words are just about the only thing that will get my motor revved up and ready to play with sexting.  If a guy can't express what he would do to me, i just don't get turned on.  Sure compliments are wonderful, but it doesn't get the boat out of the harbor. Luckily I have just such a friend...Owen.  He can drive me wild with desire with a simple few words, and despite my trying to distance myself from him because he literally seems like my soul mate, he can reel me back in, hook line and sinker......every time, with little effort.  I am hopelessly bewitched by him.  He was the first to send me video's of him jacking off due to my driving him wild and the first to cause me to enjoy watching them. He sent me into a state of insatiable sexual appetite, where it was all i thought of day and night.  I was suffering from sleep humping my husband, practically raping him in my sleep....completely unaware of my behavior come morning.  I was a walking live wire 24hrs a day.  but then he started to distance himself a bit, and just as in real life dating, i took that as my cue and walked away.  But like i said, he pulled me back in, time and time again and I want to have him in the flesh, more that I have ever wanted anything in my life.  But I know it can never be as he lives half the country away, and it will never happen.  So I need to find a more local playmate, though I must confess, he has set the bar VERY high.  Good luck boys.....see you soon i hope.
~S~

What's in a name?

Michael, David, Troy, and Bob…..for some reason men with these names keep coming to me.  It’s not to say I don’t have friends with other names, just that the ones who turn out to be somewhat significant….bear one of the above names.  So I got to thinking, as I sometimes do…..maybe I ought to just skip all the other names.  What's the point right?  But then I can’t forget the scattered few with completely original names who blew my socks off.  Names I had never even heard of before, who could do things to me that had never been done to me before.  So I should hardly turn away every Tom, Dick, and Harry that comes my way, because I guess I just never know who might make my toes curl next!

Last night I made a new friend…..another Bob….who seemed innocent at first, and we actually had a fun phone conversation, we're both smart ass’s and we shared our ‘stories’.  Me sneaking out to talk in the car, not wanting to, er-um, wake anyone up.  He is local, not so close to cause fear of running into him at the super market, but close enough for a rendezvous if we should find ourselves in the need.  Eventually we start talking about sex.  Things we like and the sort…..and the next thing I know…..we are pretty much scheduling a meeting…..!!!!!  For this weekend….maybe.  As if I wasn’t already trying to cram my last free weekend with every Mike, Dave and Troy as it is….lets throw a Bob in there too! 

~S~

Tagged.com a scorned womans playground

I have to say, tagged.com has been a good friend to me.  She has lifted me up and given me confidence.  I am never at a loss for men to tell me how beautiful or sexy I am.  'You're Fucking Hot!" is my favorite.  For 20ys I have sat back and let my husband ignore me.  Always having to fish for compliments from him.  But not on tagged.  They come freeflowing and unsolicited.  Especially when the men get a look at my assets.  I got me some bootylicious goodness that apparently hypnotizes the men who have the good fortune to have me send a little video thier way.  One night I put on some lace booty shorts panties, a black tank top and some music, lit a candle in a dark room and shook what the good lord gave me on film.  I have very flexible hips and can grind like a belly dancer.  The video has been well recived by even the pickiest of breast men, who quickly after viewing my video.....become ass men.  I don't share pics or video with very many men, only the ones who really excite me and can write well, who are handsome in my eyes, and lavish me with attention and compliments. After all, the reason I am on tagged is for the confidence boosting attention, so I may as well do what is needed to make the compliments as good as they can be.  I don't however like the poon hounds who are JUST in it to see pics.  I delete those pervs immediately.  I am still a good girl at heart, and appreciate a little faux romance before I let them see the Venus Goddess goodness!

~S~