I'm a "Man Eater" ??

That's right, I was accused of being a "man eater".....lil 'ole harmless me.  Why? You ask.  Because I had the audacity to sleep with 2 whole men, in the 'love 'em and leave 'em" fashion that men are so accustom to torturing us women with on a daily basis.  But I thought long and hard about the accusation, wondering if there may infact be some truth to it.  So I decided to check my stats and share.  I'll let y'all be the judge.  Keep in mind I have only been single for 9 weeks.  Well actually 4.5 months, but only free to do as I please for 9 weeks.  And because I am pretty much living in the moment, not the past, and barely the near future....I tend to forget how much of what I have done, has added up to.

Since I joined POF, (plenty of fish)  8-19-12.  (The following stats are POF only, not Tagged) Since then, I have made first contact to roughly 100 men.  Less than 10% replied.  Men have made first contact with me roughly 30 times. I have had conversations with 42 men in 6 weeks.  Many of them complete pervs, or men I am just flat out not attracted to.  Another good chunk of them, the conversation just goes no where, and either I or they stop messaging out of sheer boredom.  I have been asked out on real live dates by 5 men.  2 stood me up, 1 I was not attracted to, 1 the date in question was too far off and I forgot about him and kind of blew him off since he did not keep contact with me, and the 4th is man #8.  I have been asked out for a quick meet-n-greet by 4 men, and I have invited 1 to meet me.  2 are pending for next week, 1 flaked and bailed before the meet when the conversation turned sexual and his mind could not be swayed otherwise, and one just asked me today so we are working out details now.  And then there is Man #11.  Catagory: sexual only, hook up only, he'd better blow my mind!  Have to wait to meet him as I have plans this weekend for my birthday.  We are planning on hooking up next weekend. 

So I made a list....of all the men I have either met in person, or at least scheduled a meeting regardless of outcome, and the ones I have pending.  I was a little shocked at the results...14 and counting.  Crap, that sounds like alot for a 9 week period.  If you were to have asked me, the number in my mind was more like 8.  I have heard from other women that it has taken them months to get ONE meeting out of POF.  I'm not so sure I can catagorize myself as a "man-eater", but I think I am going to have to accept the fact that I am deffinately a "player"...probably a high stakes one as well.  Hmmmm Cyber Slut-O-Rama for sure, if you count the hundreds of men I have talked to online on tagged over the last 6 months. But none of those, ok well a few of them, did I ever have intentions of meeting...it was just a "sexy friend" flirting kind of thing.  So now that I am on POF, I can say, this is NOT my first internet rodeo, but my intentions have changed since I slowed my playing on tagged.  I would realy like to meet someone steady, with sex on the side.....someone whom I truly enjoy his company.  But I'm so sure I'm ready for that.  We shall see.  I'm just learning as I go.  Learning about men, myself, and dating.  And god I need to get laid soon. Laid GOOD.
~S~

What this woman thinks about during sex.

So I was reading David Wygant's blog for woman (you should really check it out) and he posed a thought and a question.  He laid his cards on the table for what he is thinking of during sex....and then asked what we woman are thinking.  The call to action was far too strong to resist and away my fingers went a typing.  When done, I figured my reply was worthy of pasting here.....so without further adieu....here is what I am thinking when it comes to sex....

Well it seams no one else is brave enough to speak up, so I will.  What do I think about during sex?…omg…a million things.  When I was with my husband (20ys), things were not very good, so my primary thought was usually….”god I wish his ego could handle me telling him this sucks.”…..“Please let it stay hard long enough”……“oh, that again?  yawn” and “Please, oh god, please hurry up”…I think that explains my marriage.  So yes, I have had sex to shut him up.  To shut up his incessant whining about not getting enough, despite the fact I am covered in baby shit.

But now that I am single, I find many other things going thru my mind.  I’m a woman, so of course there is always a self conscious thought or two zipping thru my brain.  Like…”what does that face mean?”….”omg he thinks I’m fat” or “I hope he is enjoying this and I’m not the worst he’s ever had”  But usually I am just thinking things like….”oh god I hope he is brave enough to take me like an animal, yet kind enough to not to take it too far”.

I always want to be a bit nastier than I want to be perceived and hope that my little clues are picked up on and he is man enough to take me where I secretly want to go, yet letting him be the man by not telling him.  Sometimes I want Conan to drag me by my hair and toss me around, and other times I want to be caressed like an angel….and sometimes there is only a few seconds between those two desires.  If only men COULD read my mind.

I often, too often unfortunately, have to wish that men’s ego’s, ie: hard ons, could handle a wee bit of instruction or guiding.  I guess my fear is that if I speak my desires or discomfort, that his ego will think that I think he’s not good enough, big enough, thick enough or man enough….(what ever men’s neurosis’ are) and that it will end quicker than it started.

Sometimes I just want to get it on like donkey kong, and I don’t care if it’s a first date. Other times I hold back because I really don’t want to be treated like a woman who ‘can/will’ sleep with someone on the first date.  So many men totally blow getting lucky because they treat me like I’m a sex object, when I am not acting like one.  And I could have been that very thing for them, IF they had just treated me with respect and passion.  Instead they turn me off and get booted out the door before they even knew what hit them in the ass. 

Some men, but only a few, have the charisma and respect for me….. to take me right where I am DYING to go.  Granted, now we are not really talking about forming relationships here….but even when we are….I am always DYING to have a real man take me “there”.  I don’t mind being conquered when done with respect...but often I am the aggressor and I like that too.  I like when a man plays a little hard to get….but teasing and goading me into taking HIM where HE wants to go. 

I also love it when I can get him to think….that HE caused his idea to become my idea….so he can walk away feeling like he is so masculine and sexy that he caused a real “good girl” to go real, REAL bad.  That is probably one of my favorites because I think it is obvious just how much I love the yin and yang of seduction.  Nothing turns me on more than the tension of desire during that dance.  So I hate it when men fuck it up by being so damn direct.  I’m screaming in my head…”shut the fuck up and tease me you jack ass…and the world will be your oyster”. 

But mostly, my hope, desire and thought, is to share myself fully, heart-soul-body and experience what my man has to share with me, be it for one night or a lifetime.  Thinking about how good I can make him feel.  Feel about me, what we are doing and feel about him self.  And If I can get him to say out loud….”oh my fucking GOD”, as if he has died and gone to heaven…..I feel like I’ve won the Olympics and I can fly and let loose even more.  I’m always hoping he will be vocal with his pleasure, because it fuels my bravado and I get REALLY into it.  And then all I am thinking is “yes, Yes….YES”

I love to tease my man, and do little things to make myself irresistible, so Conan has NO choice but to drag me back to his cave and blow my fucking mind! 

~S~

Out of the Dark: Man #8 Hosta La Vista baby!

So earlier I said this man would either be the love of my life, or the lesson of a lifetime.  So which do you think he was?...the latter of course.  Before the date, I read about the Capricorn male/Libra female coupling and many, MANY examples of how it didn't work.  There were a few examples of this coupling surviving, but compared to the bad experiences....this relationship was pretty well doomed before it started.  I however, based on the phone conversations had high hopes we might be able to be a couple that could withstand our drastic differences.  I already knew that Josh (Cappy) and I were nothing short of a disaster as a romantic couple, but hoped this mans maturity would make him different.  In the end, I was sadly disapointed to fall among the ranks of all the other Cappy/Libra disasters.

When somone starts to give you "constructive critisism" based on the fact that "you asked"...and you quickly tell them before they start, that NO you infact did NOT ask for this advice....and they feel compelled to forge ahead anyways.....Well....the answer to that is...."If I'm not good enough the way I am, there's the fucking door asshole!"  I'm not perfect, and I work on my short comings everyday.  I am perfectly perfect for ME...it's the one thing that I find peace in, since my husband left....no one to constantly critisize me.  It is a personality trait I refuse to live with again.  I don't need some man to 'fix me'....especially when I didn't ask him to.  So, it ended as quick as it started, and left me with a final bitter taste in my mouth for cappy's.  PS....I know this will sound aweful.....because I slept with him and I shouldn't have....AND it was I who was the aggresor...but....the sex wasn't all that good either.  Again....two cappy's this Libra woman was not sexually compatible with either.  At least Josh was a rock star in bed....we just have different 'styles'. 

So much for man #8...next!
~S~

Dating in the Dark: Man #8

I don’t know why or how exactly, but the universe has brought me this man for a reason.  I don’t know if he is to be the love of my life, or the lesson of a lifetime.  I am feeling things I have never felt before, a feeling of safety and openness.  I’m terrified, yet somehow not afraid.  He can see right into me and can see thru all my bullshit.  He can see where I try to redirect him away from my feelings.  No one else can do that.  No one knows how I feel unless I want them to know.  But he can.  He knew I was hiding something.  He knew there was a road block holding me back, causing me to self sabotage.  Causing me to run away before I had to face some dark demon.  We talked for hours before I myself discovered it, before I myself put two and two together. Cliff hanger here, as I will get to this demon in a minute.

He is completely content to be able to wait to meet me in person.  He believes I am the one he has been searching for, and that there is no need to rush fate. I however, fear that when we meet in person that there will be no chemistry or god forbid he doesn’t look like his pics or has horrible breath or god only knows one of my lame little reasons for not connecting with someone.  I have such fickle taste…..but….. Is it due to this demon or should I give up on Online dating sites because I’m too fickle in person once we meet?  Who knows, but I think the demon might have something to do with it, on a very deep-seated subconscious level.  I’m thinking, that it is easier to find some superficial fault in a man, because he is not perfect; to avoid the pain of confessing this demon, than to have someone bail on me.  I guess I feel that the guy must be REALLY worth it, really perfect, to risk that kind of rejection.  Now, I have never had to confess this to anyone, even myself.  Like I said, my feelings are in the vault and I don’t give ANYone the combination.  But this man has picked the lock.  He kept trying to figure out what it was I was afraid of, helping me to figure it out and thus, when I figured it out, I felt compelled to just tell him. 

The perfect moment was upon me, I started to cry, he was patient and kind as I struggled to find the words.  Struggled for the courage to spit it out.  I whispered thru the tears….“I understand if you never want to talk to me again after I say this”  he reassured me tenderly “just tell me, I can handle it” …lots of attempted starts n stops and then I blurted “I have herpes” with the drama befitting a 16^th century play…and with that I felt as though I had thrown myself on the dagger.  Hurled myself into the sea without a life jacket.  Put the barrel in my mouth and pulled the trigger.  As I floundered, writhing in the absolute conviction of my impending doom, he touched me (figuratively) and relieved my self inflicted misery….”Oh Honey, so do I”……batting my eyelashes thru my tears ”what?….you do?”

I swear, the clouds parted, trumpets played, and angels started singing.  The biggest weight in the world had been lifted off my shoulders. And the serenity that washed over me was surreal.  This damn little incurable disease, had caused me to believe for 20ys that no one else on the planet would want me after my husband, no good man anyways, and that is one of the main reasons I stayed with him for 20ys.  My sole purpose for dating right now was to heal myself.  To learn and grow thru the experiences, good and bad, of each man I encounter.  Be it online, or in person.  The second this weight was lifted, I felt so light, like was literally floating above my bed.  He knew it, I didn’t have to speak this aloud, though he listened intently when I did.  So, after some deliberation in my head.  I have decided to wait to meet him.  To trust myself to freefall and still be OK, no matter what happens.

It reminds me of that reality dating show on tv. “dating in the dark”, where they put singles together in pitch blackness, and after a while of talking…or what ever else they end up doing, they each get to see the other from behind a one way mirror….then…they have a  predetermined meeting time on the balcony.  If both show up, great, they go from there.  But I often thought how sad, that some couples seemed to really like each other (in the dark that is), but one of them gets stood up on the balcony in the end.  While an awesome social experiment and interesting to watch, I often wondered what the results might be, if these couples who got along….got to do it for more than a half hour.  What if they dated in the dark for say two weeks.  An hour or so each day.  Possibly even wear ski masks and go outside on real dates, so this attraction to the mind is allowed to grow.  Would the results be different?  But here "I" am, picture in hand, voice in ear….we get along, I think he is cute…..and yet I am afraid to come out of the dark, into the light, see him for who he really is, and discover if I will meet him on the balcony.

For now all I know, is that I am waiting to meet him.  I’m going to follow his lead rather than try to control this thing.  Experience him, and what HE has to offer ME.  If what I have been doing all these years hasn’t worked, why the hell am I so afraid to let go, freefall, and try a different way?

So here I am world, Jumping and trusting I can fly.

~S~

Am I just setting myself up for disapointment again? Man #8

So do ya'll remember man #3...the one I really liked?  The one who was hilarious and sweet.  Respectful with just the right twinge of badboy.  The one, we texted all week up to the morning of the scheduled date.  The one who cancelled the morning of the date and then NEVER contacted me again.  Well, I REALLY liked him, and it was very disapointing to have that happen.  For God sakes I went to go buy a dress...a DRESS I tell you.... for this date....ME....the non dress wearing gal.

Well, here we go again.  I met another man on POF that I really like, we'll call him man #8.  Sunday, after playfully texting all day, we talked on the phone for an hour and half.  Based on his pics and the phone conversation, I could really see myself being attracted to him.....BIG TIME.  Our schedules for the next couple weeks will not allow us to have a first meeting for a while, which could have been to his detriment, as I get bored quickly waiting around.  He is a Capricorn to my Libra, basically doomed to fail if one pays attention to the atrological signs. Capricorns are extreemly patient and take thier time, they are the epitome of an earth sign, grounded and stubborn.  Libra's, the epitome of the air signs, can move like the wind if not harnessed quickly.  The way I have been approaching my new single life, I had to tell him...If you want to catch this fish, don't dick around with baiting your hook too long.....I just might swim away. 

For all I know, this will go no where in the end, so why put my single life on hold to just be stood up, right?  Not saying that I think he would do that....but I never in a million years would have dreamed (the way it was going) that man #3 would have done it.  I'm still completely baffled as to what happened there.  Christian Carter mentioned in one of his programs that the 'reason' a guy didn't call doesn't matter...all we as women need to pay attention to, is the FACT that he DIDN"T call.  Actions speak louder than words, if he doesn't call, he's just not interested....the WHY is not important.  So, I try not to let the mystery make my mind spin out of control.  Besides, #3 was a Libra too....we are fickle little things.

Anyways, back to #8. We talked on the phone again last night for over 2 hours, and now I am hooked.  CRAP!!!  I started to get feelings.  Now I'm not talking about emotional feelings here, I'm talking about physical feelings.  Tingly feelings.  The kind I havn't felt for some time now.  So it is quite a compliment to any man, if he can cause those feelings.....and we weren't talking sexy to each other either.  Just normal conversation and SHAZAM.....what the fuck just happened??  Seriously? I am TOAST.  If this guy does THAT to me, and we havn't even been naughty.....I am dead meat for when we do.  I'm sitting here, trying to be patient, trying to be good.....but I just can't wait 3 or more weeks to meet him.  I can't.  I'm going to have to figure this damn thing out on how to get our schedules together quicker than that.  He may be a patient person, extremely patient in fact......I however am NOT.  I need to know soon if we have this same chemistry in person before I free fall and the disapointment is too much to bear.  "Hope", is a good thing, but it's not something I can survive on for long.  I need to know for certain before I get myself too invested in this. Despite my best efforts not to be, I am already more invested in this guy than I want to be.  CRAP

I couldn't help it.  We seem so compatible, never ran out of things to talk about, I was at ease to be myself and not be judged....and he felt the same way.  At one point he said to me, "I don't know if you can tell, but I'm really into you" and also "I'm forcing myself to patient, I don't want to scare you away"  really?  REALLY??  when I really like someone, i don't scare that easily, bring it on "mountain man".....take me away.

Time to let man #7 'catfish man" down gently after that aweful date....as it is definately NOT in the cards for him....
~S~

Dating Profile Review: the Freaks come out on Sunday

New profile preliminary results

OK….so I looked over my emails, I save the ones of the men who clicked that they wanted to meet me, and here is what I noticed.  Keep in mind that my main profile pic has not changed, but the mini blurb half paragraph that shows up beneath it has.  I updated my profile yesterday, and in the last 24 hours 11 men have clicked “yes” to me.  Compared to the fact that it took the last 2 weeks to garner the same results.  Now this data is excluding men who just flat out messaged me, skipping that step.  So, I’m going to have to say that the preliminary results are good and I’m on to something.  With each experimental profile, it gets better and better.  Now I've also had a few more men actually message me.  

One of which is a little promising.  He's good looking, some one I definitely can see my self being attracted to, (first meeting surprises withstanding) and I don't think he's sooo pretty that he's out of my league.  Rather I think we are on an even playing field on that one.  We're suppose to talk on the phone this evening, so we'll see how that goes.  He's in the "sweet spot"  the perfect blend of "nice guy" meets "bad boy".  He's a bit of a flirt, but in a classy way and he has a good sense of humor.  Fingers crossed on this one.

Now, on to the freaks.  Sunday morning must be when all the good guys are at church or something, leaving all the pervs and weirdo's to run amuck on POF.  I've had 5 'meet me's" in the last couple hours alone, and 4 guys message me.  One for sex, one for a blow job, (those were some super hot cuties though) And two weirdo's one i had to block.  So while this new profile begets me the freaks again, I am getting more men I might be attracted to as well as the "nice guys" that I am not.  And let me clarify, it's not the nice guy personality i'm not attracted to, it's a physical thing that these particular 'nice guys' brought with them.

One i just told him that I am starting a relationship.  who's gonna argue with that?  He wished me luck and away he went, no hurt feelings.  I can live with that.

Anyways, I may need to tweak my profile to try to get the weirdo's to go leave me alone.  The last profile just about put a stop to that!  Need to now find a way to blend the two.

I'm not looking for a serious relationship, But I'm not looking for one night stands either.  I hope to find a guy that I enjoy his company, we hang out once or twice a week, have some great sex....and maybe down the road see where it goes.

Is that too much to ask?

~S~

Online date: Man #7...tips for all you "nice" guys

The good, the bad and the ugly.

The good...he was better looking in person and was really sweet.  My birthday is in a couple weeks, he took me out to a nice dinner, gave me a cute birthday card and we had good conversation. Then we went to a dive bar and played pool.  We are both relatively newly single after 20 yr marriages.

The bad......I just was not attracted to him in a romantic way.  Friends...yes....Lovers....um....NO.  I know he was to me, which I suspected before I ever got there based on our messages.  And it was confirmed moments after getting to the bar.

The Ugly.........Now here's the kicker, and quite honestly I was shocked at what I discovered as I tried to be there as an observer of the experience.  To really be outside myself and pay attention to things I said, things he said...Look for smaller signs of attraction to him as I already knew he wasn't exactly my type.  I was trying Marie Forleo's idea of tossing out my predetermined check list of my 'perfect' man that I'm attracted to. Problem is...I think I got too far away from that list.  Waaaay too far. Being that 'online' you can't see personality, I kind of really agree with giving someone a chance on not letting photo's totally discqualify a guy, but only to an extent. Last night confirmed it though...I'm just gonna have to trust my gut from now on.  But as we were sitting at dinner, I did see little sparkles in him that I thought, maybe....just maybe there could be an attraction....If....IF...all the stars lined up and his personality and actions were played right....(this would be where you hear that sound of a record needle being lifted abruptly from a spinning album...the vinyl ones that is....."eeert"...I believe it goes)

I got to see a not so pretty side of his personality when our food was delivered....and it just kept leaking out as the night went on.  They brought him the wrong cut of meat.  He inquired, nothing wrong with that, even on a first date I wouldn't expect someone to eat something they didn't exactly order....BUT....it was the way he went about it. The waitress offered immediately to rectify it and he declined.  So from that point on, I say "suck it up, you could have had what you wanted"  Then the waitress got busy and forgot my water...no big..I wasn't complaining....But he did.  He started to get this negative vibe about him as far as the service goes.  It was a red flag, so my eyes and ears were open from that point on to discover more of them.  Basically he feels it's his duty to point out to people their wrong doing.  As if he takes things a little too personally.  He told a little story about holding the door open for a woman once (probably many times) and how he told her how rude she was that she didn't say thank you, and another story about a first meeting from online....and telling a woman that she was much bigger than her pics...in fact...I believe he used the words "you're a BIG woman" then proceeded to tell her how she SHOULD have written her profile.  And other little snippets like that kept coming up.  It wreaks of my EX-husbands behavior.  To be critical and voice this criticism when ever anyone doesn't act or behave as he expected them to, and be compelled to tell others of their wrong doing, as if they them selves are the social police.  I am not a critical person, and I do not choose to spend my time around someone who is. Unlike my husband though, he was outgoing and genuinely nice to the staff.  But I think if we had been better acquainted, he would have voiced his displeasure to them instead of me, just like a few of the stories he shared.  It was just a big turn off.  But since I am embracing Marie's ideas, I just decided to enjoy him  for him, as a friend and let the experience unfold as it may.  After all, he wasn't treating ME that way. However, that was strike #1.

Then we go to the bar.  He had broken the touch barrier in the car, touching my hand a time or two, so two seconds after I sat on the bar stool, he put his hand on my upper back, snuggled up close and rubbed my back.....they way a boyfriend or husband does in a relationship. Now mind you I gave no positive physical or conversational response to this.  Yet it continued....I guess no response equals "please do this more". Something I need to remember for future unwanted physical touch....I need to actually object in some form if I don't want it to continue.  We played darts, and he was making little touches here and there, even though they he was not getting positive feedback, I was not reciprocating, he brought me a drink and moved in for a kiss on the lips.  Again, a sweet peck like a boyfriend would do in a committed relationship. It was just too  much, no matter what a man looks like.  For god sakes this is my very first, first date....real date anyways.  Not my meet ups at a bar. Let's not skip the passion and move straight to married like bahavior.  Strike #2.

At this point my third drink was taking hold, I was not drunk, but I definitely had a good and sturdy buzz going on.  I forgot to turn the notifications on my phone to my POF account off and I started getting alerts buzzing on my phone, which was facing up on the table at the time. I don't know if this had anything to do with what happened shortly there after as he picked up my phone and said, "wow, you get alerts on your phone?".  Inside I'm thinking "holy crap" but I was kinda trying to repel him a little anyways by this time, so not too many worries.  I bummed a couple cigarettes (quitting not going great at this point)  no effect on his attraction level...though he did try to gently discourage me.  Anyways, I think the realization that he had himself quite a bit of competition, set him in a mode that he probably didn't intend to go into.  As I am definitely outside of his league, the degree to which I am not a good judge of, but I know I am out of it for sure. So he got started on a rant about his ex wife, which his tone got quite heated.  I think in a weird way, he thought this would impress me, in a convincing kind of way....like trying to convince me he is a good mate.  Like telling her that a hundred other woman would be thrilled to have a guy like him.  That he's attentive, hard working, affectionate, romantic etc and how she couldn't see that, but other women do.  Then he even stammered this "ya I might be an asshole once in a while, but....yada yada yada".  Luckily it was getting late and I used that as an excuse to get the hell out of there.  He took me back to my car.  Still nice to me. And looking for a good night kiss, I panicked a bit, and started to give a fore warning of my rejection.  I just don't have the heart to look at a nice guy and say.  "thanks for a great evening, but don't call me again, I just don't think we're a match"....instead I said something like "just so you know, I'm not sure what I'm doing, not looking for anything serious, I listen to my inner gut feelings, not my head...etc"  On a social level, I know these were not..."come over and plant a big wet one on me, I can't wait to rip your clothes off".  But he said he'd like to see me again and in my reply I said "ya, ok, i might like to do that".  it dragged on too long, and he was able to get two more pecks in on my lips....despite me turning away and aiming for the cheek.  I have to find a way to let him down, in the clearness of the morning light...I know I'm definitely not attracted to him, and not even sure he's worth a "friends" status.  There's just too many fish in the sea, to waste my time on a catfish.

So to all you "nice guys"...there's some good tips in there for ya, as to what NOT to do.  ;)  As I was yearning for a bad boy before the night was over.  Someone to make me really sparkle and light my fire inside.

~S~

His smell followed me home....UCK

After a drama filled evening with my friends, their drama not mine, I sat in my little court trying to back my horse trailer thru my gate in the dark.  Normally something I can do with my eyes closed, but there I sat shimmying side to side watching the gate post dance around laughing at me.  20 minutes of frustration and screaming with the windows up, finally I said "fuck it" and pulled in straight.  I quit smoking 3 days ago, and was grateful my ex left a single stale cigarette in the dash.  I lit it up and suckled on the devils air and felt much better.  But I knew  one stale cigarette was not going to ease this pms fest and thus headed to town for some drive thru and a stiff drink.

At burger king, there was a man sitting outside whom looked vaguely familiar.  I ordered my food, and feeling the need for another cigarette, so I sat with him and his friend.  I noticed his car which alerted me to exactly who he was.  The man whom I had half a fling with 3 yrs ago right after I caught my husband cheating.  I say half an affair as we never actually consummated the whole thing.  But damn can he kiss and suck a mean nipple! After some small talk, he says to me...."yes you know me".  I'd rather hoped he didn't recognize me, but apparently he did.  So we bantered about the things we remembered, kids, jobs....yada yada.  I mentioned that I was going to the range (the local watering hole) and he said that he was too.  Now I'm no stuck up bitch, nor do I think I'm better than anyone else....however...it does not....NOT...mean I want to date a loser.  No matter what setbacks a person goes thru in life is none of my concern, I wish them well and do not judge them if the fail to overcome them....However...I'm no meal ticket, sugar moma or dumb blonde.  I don't pay a mans way.  I don't mind paying my own way, but I'm not paying yours too.

When I finished eating, I got his number (he asked) and I left for the bar.  Where I came across a friend I made there a month or so ago.  It was his birthday and he was uber glad to see me.  I like him, he's cute, not exactly my type but ya never know, right?  So we drank and as always I made a ton of friends and had a few lurkers gazing upon my tailgate.  Which is quite "juicy" the men tell me.  We drank and talked and laughed and somewhere between drinks one and two, I mentioned matter of factly my need to get laid.  It was not a call to action, but again....hey....ya never know who might rock my drunken ass one of these days.   We got a good laugh out of it and then....his dancing, smiling eyes turned predator.  OOOPS...I unleashed the beast.  I guess in a small way, I subconsciously do this on purpose, even though I am fickle and quite picky in regards to men, so that I may know whom I can and can't turn on, and then choose from the results I get.  He figured since I had a hot date the next night, that I'd be giving it out then, why not he try to get some tonight.  He was cute about it, teasing me for the next hour or so.  When I left, I got a lingering peck on the lips.  I got a few tingles, and thought....hmmm....maybe I 'could' do this guy.

I walked out the door and was followed by another man, whom I was honestly more attracted to.  We'll call him "security man" as he was wearing a shirt that said "security" and for all I know he was the bouncer....but since I don't think they do have one.....I'll assume it was just a funny tee. This is where David Wygant is right on the money about men saying STUPID things to hit on woman.  I had seen this guy checking  me out, but I did NOT follow David's advice and give him encouragement.  Totally fucked it up.  I wasn't sure if he was really checking me out, or if I was in a drunken stupor imagining things. So, as any woman does late at night in a dark parking lot alone hearing footsteps behind her....I looked over my shoulder and paused for a half second to see who it was and if I was in danger. Which he took the opportunity to say, and I drunken quote....
"hey don't leave early, stay, maybe you can take home one of these young guys with ya later"

Now, I can't read morse code, and I can't read brail either, but if I take this guy at what he said, he wasn't quite talking about himself.  I said something witty, though I can't recall what, but I did pause long enough for him to get his shit together and offer himself up, if that was his desire.  I gave him a whole 30 seconds of my time to indicate interest.  He failed....I bailed.  Word to the single men out there....some women only give you 30 seconds, if YOU are interested and she's only half walking away....speak up fast cuz she paused...for YOU...because had I not been interested, he wouldn't have even gotten the 30 seconds.  Take a chance and just blurt it out....especially at a bar...for god sakes, we're all drunk and likely not to remember your dumb blunder in the morning.  Or at least be more forgiving of it as we analyze our own inappropriate behavior and if we ourselves looked like a Jack Ass. Now as for myself, I totally blew a real live opportunity to practice giving a man encouragement.  Damnit and my own self doubt!

I get home and the texts start rolling in from birthday boy.  About as 'hook up' talk only as it can get. I declined...politely as not to ruin my chances of an ace in the hole in the future.  He's local cute and aside from this evening, usually smells good.  So it was easy to decline this evening as I could still smell his BO on me as I lay there in bed.....UCK!
~S~

Is it false advertising to wear spanx?

Just curious.  I have thought about starting to wear dresses.  The last one I wore was my wedding dress 20ys ago.  While primarily comfort is my driving force when I shop for clothes, I’d like to dress a bit nicer for dates than my usual casual attire.  I’m a country farm girl and practicality and thriftiness are important to survival.  But it doesn’t mean this farm girl can’t look fabulous on a date right?  But then I got to the dressing room and was horrified at what starred back at me in the mirror.  It was not good, not good at all.  Of course I left the store with one little tank top, a cute shirt, and a nice little cotton jacket…but no dress.  I’d love to wear a tropical print maxi dress, but I would like my gut to not be the first thing myself or anyone else see’s.  I'm very self conscious of what carrying a child did to my stomach and would honestly love to get a tummy tuck.  I have a secret piggy bank for this and one day I hope to be able to get rid of it.  But until then.....

I heard of these great things called spanx on a Tori Spelling episode.  She was still trying to hide her pregnancy from the press and she had a red carpet event to go to.  Pregnant or not, she is still like a size 3 or something, so a little smoothing is just a teeny white lie.  I however am a size 16, a far cry away from super model actress for sure.  So then I got to wondering, ….if I wear these things under a dress on a date….is that false advertising?  At some point I don’t want to have to be peeled out of it like a banana, and have a cartoon “boing” sound in the background as my gut springs out from behind this thing….hardly a night of passion in my book. 

I found this picture of a man version of spanx, and I have to say that if I was presented with this I just might be horrified, if for some reason I was on a great date, things got hot and heavy, I rip off the guys shirt and find this little suprise waiting for me.  I hardly have this much to hide, but still would not want a man to react to me wearing one of these, as I might react if he were "spanking".

Ebay has some great deals, I think I am going to get one and see if even does hide anything and go from there.  Until then, I will have to keep comfortable in my cargo capri’s and cleavage bearing tanks. 

~S~

Am I expecting too much?

Another weekend is upon me and I have one date lined up for Saturday night, man #7.  He seems to be very sweet, smart and quick on his feet. However, I’m not that physically attracted to him.  I really am trying to be open minded with the fact that pictures don’t always tell the whole story and personality can make a person far more attractive.  Problem is, this guy really likes me and has expressed far more “promise for the future” than I am feeling at the moment.  I am gun shy at best after myself really liking guy #3 and having him cancel and disappear.  I can say I am enjoying chatting with man #7 and I am sure we will at the very least be “friends”.  But neither of us is looking for friends and ‘toying’ with a man’s feelings, is not my idea of a fun sport.  So I am glad we have this date tomorrow and we can get the ‘chemistry’ thing out of the way.  Either we will have it or we won’t and then the future will take care of itself.  He is taking me out to a nice dinner for my birthday, which is in two weeks.  By the way, this will be my first official “date” since leaving my husband.

I updated my profile again.  I’m trying out a sensual description of an evening with me.  No “ha ha funny” stuff.  I'm such a complex personality with so many sides to me, in order to express all of this in one profile would be a bit long if I just sit and try to write something.  But it is one of my goals to write just such a profile, though it will take some time to do so.  In the mean time, I am going to give this new profile a couple weeks to see what kind of results I get.  I’ve already had few responses, though I’m not sure it’s exactly the kind of response I’m looking for.  I have to say this, either I am just not as attractive as I think I am, or you men out there, sure the hell are being difficult.  I know I’m no raving beauty queen, but I wouldn’t win the ugliest dog contest either.  I don’t think my standards, expectations and desires are that high. I just would like to find a man that is attractive, that I enjoy spending time with, that gives me that spark inside where I just want to rip his damn clothes off.  Is that really too much to ask?

~S~

What is my “league” and are these men out of “mine”?

I was thinking about my fatal screening process as I was perusing through the POF men files.  Pic after Pic….some hot, some not.  I saw a pretty good looking guy and almost hit the gong button, but just before I did, I thought I had better listen to my hidden internal mind to see what I was saying to myself as a reason for not even looking at his profile.  The answer was that he was too pretty for me and out of my league. 

I took Marie Forleo to heart when she said to get rid of my predetermined man plan check list and talk to some men who are not normally my “type”.  So I have been talking to two of them the last few days, and quite honestly I think I may be a little out of their league, but they seem like great guys minus not so sexy looks, at least by my previous check list.  It sounds a bit egotistical and slightly narcissistic, but we all know who is in or out of our league….and when we are in or out of a mans….and quite frankly, so do they.  So far my gut feeling has not been wrong when it came to meeting a man online whom I thought I would probably not be attracted to…and I was right.  But then there is the fear that one just never knows the package our dream man may be wrapped in.

What is it, that makes us instinctively know this?  What is the degree to which it is still in natures law to be outside the zone?  Is it 10%....20%....30% we all know there is the fuzzy zone where it could be a crap shoot, and we all know….when we cross to the other side….and it just feels sooooo wrong.  But is this a lifetime of conditioning? And if so….by whom?  Were we conditioned by our parents, the media, our friends or the other sex’s rejections?  I sat there staring at this guys pic for far too long wondering this.

Then a conversation I had with my guy BFF came to mind.  I asked him what about me makes men only think of sex.  I know when a good man talks to me, he is quickly alerted to the fact that I am not a slut and a woman of reasonable above average intelligence, and there is more to me than meets the sleezy eye.  But I really wanted to know what my pictures of me are saying to a man.  I thought maybe I was dressed too slutty or something, and I was shocked and insulted at his reply, but had no choice but to face the bitter truth.  Apparently I look gullible, naive and easily manipulated….add to this my few (40) extra pounds and you have an assumed low self esteem.  Couple that with a slight resemblance to a lonely desperate and horny house wife on a cougar cub hunt.  He said I looked like I would be grateful at a proposal of sex from just about any man.  My intelligent self (IQ 142 with an abundance of common street sense) was soooo offended, I almost hung up the phone.  But I continued on the path of discovery and probed his mind for more answers as he and I had a wee fling a few months ago, if any man would know, it should be him.  I know from previous conversations that he at first thought he was going to get laid quickly until our first date and he soon realized…I believe he said to himself….”aaahhhh craaaap”  even though in the end, I slept with him that first night. Actually it was early the next morning….but still….slut-o-rama.

Does all this play into my “league”?  How do I know if my looks “league” matches my inner self “league”…and is there even really such a thing or is this all in our heads.  David Wygant says that all woman are beautiful to someone, that all men are attracted to something different.  Ok…common sense I guess, but…….Who are the men that are attracted to me?  Guess it is time to get offline, out of the house, and into the world to put all that I am learning into real world practice.  There are plenty of fish in the sea, I shall cast my bait and see who nibbles….a rainbow trout or a mud sucking catfish.  I will report back on my findings.

~S~

Mother nature kicking my ASS

Well, when you hit the single ground running, and you play hard and decide to die later…..eventually it all catches up with you and life makes you take a rest. A week ago last night, I got a horrible pain in my back.  Thinking it was a pulled muscle, I surged forward until Friday when it became painfully obvious it was not.  The doctor confirmed pneumonia, and bed rest was all I was looking for.  I was out of it all last week, really didn’t talk to many men on line and quite honestly just didn’t care.  I think subconsciously I knew I was sick.  I spent this last weekend in bed, and took yesterday off work for good measure.  I really do need to take better care of myself and listen when my body tells me it’s had enough.  My soul often times doesn’t care what else of me has to suffer to make itself happy.  My girlfriend came over and I set up an online profile for her as well.  I ate her pot roast she brought over and luckily kept it down.  But Sunday I made a few new man friends online that kept me up until 1am.  I know I just said I need to take care of myself….but c’mon….a gals gotta eat right.  If there are dates to be had for this weekend, I surely am not going to spit into the wind when it’s blowing my direction.  So maybe this weekend I may have a couple more dates lined up.  IF… it doesn’t go well….I will be implementing tactical plan B.

Which is to say, strategically hunting for men in person and flat out putting my self in front of them.  Going on a “man hunt” as Lauren Francis calls it, and finding these supposed “meatloaf” men at Wholefoods as David Wygant calls it.  I have to say that I am such a shameless flirt, that plan B just may be a whole lot more fun that Plan “Online” A has been.  I am very gregarious anyways, so bring it on Shelly…..go get your grove on.  At some point I am going to be so sexually frustrated that I just might explode.  5….4…..3…..2……..NONE

~S~

Meeting men is...."Common Sense"?....I think not

I've read a few blog posts hating on programs such as Christian Carters, but seriously, if you haven't listened to them....you have no right to hate.  Hate not the presenter nor the dumb ass woman (or man) who needs the help.  Online dating is not as easy as writing a little bio, adding a cute pic, hitting the submit button and watching the love pour into your inbox.  Oh no....it seems there is a very serious trick to this....and being of normal, or even above normal inteligence is of little use.   After listening to the whole "inside the mind of a man" series....I can say with all certainty.....it SHOULD be common sense....but it just isn't.  Whether you are like me, having been married for 20ys and feeling like I've never been on a date before.....OR.....someone who has been single for a long time and just can't figure out what you're doing to scare men off.....This is a great program so you can just understand and make ANY sense at all of what really goes thru a guys mind.  There are several guest speakers in the program that are hilarious and insightful and offer us a window into what OUR emotions can look like to a man.  How OUR emotions can be the driving force behind our actions, that cause us to do what we would maybe not ordinarily do.  Emotions that override any lean toward common sense and good judgement. And of course the underlying message to it all is to work on evolving our authentic selves. To bring our 'best self' to every situation, no matter how big of a dweeb the guy is when he shows up to that date.  Paying it forward, and genuinely caring about a human being even when you are not attracted to him, will earn you karma points when you meet the man of your dreams.

This is no shameless marketing scheme, as I will admit many of the guru's do use.  This is honest feedback from a woman with an IQ of 142, who couldn't even get the dweebs to reply to her messages. If you want to attract men, YES, you need common sense.  But if you show up on the play ground using a woman's common sense and not a man's....you will be playing on the swings by yourself or with the perverts.

I'm so thankful that I bought all of Christian Carter's programs, as they really are helping me.  They are all in my Ipod now, and I can listen to them anywhere and everywhere.  Christian is also generous enough to share other guru's that I would have otherwise never heard of.  Many of which I am now looking into purchasing their products as well.  As soon as these sell on ebay of course and I have some money again.

Anyways, I just wanted to write a review of my own to have floating out in cyber space to counter act the haters who have never even listened to the products. I'm a real woman, who has gotten real improvement to my dating life thru the use of these programs.  So do yourself a favor, spend the money and buy one.  Become the sex kitten, the girl next door, the femme fetal....that every man chases.  She's hiding just beneath the surface....you just need the key to set her free.

My favorite guest speakers from various products of Christians, whom I completely recommend as well include:
Lauren Francis, become an expert flirt to attract any man you want
Marie Forleo, learn to live in the moment and become irresistable
David Wygant, dating coach and expert who really gets men and is hilarious
Patty Contenta, become a sensual goddess and draw men like a moth to a flame
(will ad more as I find their names) (will ad links when i get time for now do a google search)

Online Date: Man #3, #4, #5 and #6

Ok…so numbers 3 & 4 flaked on me or stood me up, read the ‘flakes’ post.  But Man #5, the last second conciliation prize when man #3 cancelled on me, who gladly met me for drinks and a few games of pool, just about 5 seconds after introducing ourselves online….turned out to be a bit-o-fun.  He was a wee bitty cougar hunter, military boy, a little shy and quiet but assertive none the less.  I got way too hammered and was my usual shameless flirt with just about every guy in the bar.  I was just sober enough to enjoy the attention I was getting and loved every second of whipping them all into a sexual frenzy.  I knew near instantly, that the cub and I were not very compatible, but out of respect my flirting was on the sly, which seemed to just make it that much more tortuous for the rest of them.  I have to say that the cd’s I listened to from Lauren Francis on flirting and Patty Contenta on sensuality…..really have left the men around me at a significant disadvantage.  I really am not the prettiest woman in the world, but I do seem to have a new allure for sure.  An air of confidence and lusty sensuality, that men can’t resist.  The poor little cub found it a bit hard to keep up, but he sure did try his damndest. Before long he was claiming me for all the bar to see, and a little flirty touching as we danced around the pool table.  Baby boy walked me to my car when the night was over, a few ho hum kisses, one gentle let down that he would not be seeing me again, and away I went….back to the bat cave.

The next night, when man #4 stood me up, I wandered from that restaurant to the one across the parking lot and sidled up to the bar feeling about as slighted as I ever could.  As I sat there, I thought of these mentors and one other, Marie Forleo on living in the moment, so I decided to be present and not let that loser get the better of me.  Within a few minutes of meditating over a sex on the beach, I felt a few eyes gazing upon me, and few minutes after that…..I was practically being mauled by a man so mesmerized by me I had damn near rendered him speechless.  However he managed to spit a few words again and again, professing how hypnotizing me eyes were, how sensually I ate, and my overall beauty.  Sadly he was far from my type, but I sure did have fun practicing my wicked little spells on him.  I finally got confirmation from man #6 via text that he was minorly available, and I tore away from my fun little play thing, leaving the poor guy utterly disappointed.  But I had to, I had been working on guy #6 for a couple months and I just so happened to be stranded just 10 miles from where he lives…..what moron would pass that up?

However, when I got there….it was now me who was disappointed.  Pictures CAN indeed say a thousand words…and every one of them can be a LIE.  He was nothing like I expected and having his two small children with him….OMG…if that doesn’t kill a gals hard-on…I don’t know what will.  I stayed for about 45min as we had a nice but utterly boring conversation completely interrupted by two adorable but busy little tykes.  I decided it was time to go, he walked me to my car, planted an alarming kiss on me that quite frankly took me by surprise.  I mentioned his children playing in the window to distract him so I could break away long enough to get in  my car…..and away I went….again.  Driving the distance home, I just knew I had way more energy to expel and found my self driving past my house and stopping only at my local watering hole.  I met up with a few friends and partied till they kicked us out at closing.   Somewhere in there I asked a very sexy cop, what a gal has to do to get arrested.  But alas, he turned out to be married and on duty.  No worries, I was hosting a family reunion the next day and really needed some sleep. 

At this point I am O for 6…..another week…another hunt….c’mon boys…bring it ON.  Show me what you’re made of.

~S~

A sinking in the pit of my stomach

My ex, who has been hounding me since the moment after he spent his first night alone, is on to a new tactic.  At first he tried the panic driven begging and pleading, tears of sorrow.  Then he moved on to fear tactics of basically the creepy stalker.  From there it was a seamless transition to hateful punishment for not acknowledging his request.  And now he has graduated to being selfless, regretful and understanding.  Don't get me wrong, had he tried this strategy while we were still together, it would be endearing. However, I feel it is just another tactic to get himself out of the pain of the situation he has found himself in.  Not out of true empathy for the pain he caused me all those years.  Not out of honest remorse.  Is he sorry?  Yes, for himself.  I see the words in his text, but they are empty to me. 

There is this song that Johnny Lang sings, "Breaking Me".  I remember when I caught him cheating the first time, I got drunk, dang near to the point of alcohol poisoning, and listened to that song over and over for a couple hours or so, crying.  Wishing he loved me that much.  Wishing it wasn't me that was "breaking".  Somewhere in the back of my mind, as it was swimming in that alcohol, I hoped he would see my pain, come running in and profess his love for me, to say how sorry he was for hurting me this bad.  But he didn't.  He barely came in and helped me get a giant stock pot from the cabinet to puke in.  He left me there in front of the fire heaving my guts out.  I have always wished that someone, obviously my husband would have been a nice someone, would love me and express to me the ache for me in thier heart...they way Johnny does in that song.

Interestingly enough.....my husband is in far more pain that expressed in that song.  He expresses it to me several times a week.  And I don't feel the slightest amount of pity or pride.  Odd how sometimes the things we think we want, when we get them....it is not nearly as enjoyable as we imagined.  It also makes me think how I must have looked, on my knees, begging HIM not to leave ME.  It's relatively pathetic for sure.

So here I am, staring at yet another text message, not knowing what to say to him.  Not knowing if it will give him false hope.  He says he can't go one without hope.  But I just don't feel right giving it to him, because in my heart of hearts, I know he can't meet my needs.  The most basic of needs.....trust....I just can't live my life always wondering if I am being lied to......ever again.  Yet I have this gut wrenching sinking feeling in my stomach, that I will cave and take him back, despite my better judgement.  Lord I hope I can stay strong.
~S~

The cup runneth over.... with FLAKES!

Luckily I have been listening to Christian Carters dating programs...otherwise after this weekend I would be devestated and thinking quite ill of myself.  These two 'great' guys were nothing more than flakes. Fridays date cancelled in the morning and I haven't heard back from him since, and saturdays date thought it was for monday (ya right) and stood me up.  That was a first for me and it was such a lovely feeling...NOT!!  Oh well, thier loss as I was otherwise snatched up in a few minutes by another potential within just a few minutes.  Friday, I got to play cougar with a 25yo enlisted man.  We played pool and chatted and had a nice time.  Kissed a couple times...no sparks.  Saturday I met up with a man I have been trying to meet for months now....again...no sparks.  So I have decided on a new rule...when asked out on a date, I will tell them up front, that I will not show up, unless I get a confirmation call the day of.  Number 2....move from email to texting to phone call to first date as quickly as possible...no reason to invest all this energy for long periods of time for NOTHING....ya know?

Saturday morning however, I had a social function I attended doing a hobby of mine and low and behold a very elig bachelor was there, and everyone is now trying to set us up.  I'm totally on board with it.  It would be VERY nice to spend time with someone that has the same MAJOR hobby as I do.  Also turns out, I dated him a couple times 20 or so years ago, though I have no recolection what so ever of the dates, he does, and I do remember him as we used to work together back then.  Hmmm, how interesting.  I'm beginning to wonder if I infact will ever get laid again.  I just may have to stop turning down all these hot young men and just go for it!  The ex is finally chilling out and...for now anyways....stopped hounding me to take him back.  Met a few more potentials online, though I can tell right now that I will not be sexually attracted to them, despite how utterly sweet and romantic they are.  But I promised myself that I would explore all options, as maybe my screening process has filtered out some really great men that, once I get to know them, I might become more attracted to them.  Somehow I doubt it, but I am going along with it for now.  Cuz....ya just never know!
~S~