The Love Shack is Open for business....

After my first little kiss with Dan yesterday, I figured it was just time to bite the bullet and finish the last project in my bedroom to rid myself of all things that remind me of my ex.  Our curtains.  I purchased them over 3 months ago, but my curtain rods had pulled out of the wall over my bed.  It seemed like too big a DIY project to tackle, so I just procrastinated from there.  But yesterday was the kick in the ass I needed to move on.  So today I did the unthinkable and used power tools and made a big mess and got the job done.  It is just beautiful!  Shabby Chic like I always wanted but never got because everything was a compromise between mine and his taste, male and female energy.  The love shack may not see any sex for quite a while though as this is my sanctuary.  I walk in now and all I see is me.  I'm not so sure I am ready for  another mans presence in MY room.  It's hard to see the colors well in the pics as the light is bright coming through the window.  But you get the drift.  Who knows, maybe someday Dan will get to grace the walls of this room. One more thing and I am done.  new pretty sheets....yeah....more shopping!
~S~

I joined a Gym....ME....in a Gym...seriously!

It's not as though I have never seen the inside of a gym, nor worked out.  It has just been a couple of decades since that was the case.  Last time I was seriously fit was before I had my son 14ys ago.  I had a rock hard body and worked out 7 days a week.  My calves were literally harder than steel.  I was also 145lbs and a nice size 8.  It's all been seroiusly downhill since then. Living the sedentary life of motherhood and loads of infertility pills, then a serious car accident and then shredding my knee...have all left me a goshy size 16 at 200lbs.  I carry it well, but still...it's got to go!

After my sexcapades with Josh a couple weeks ago, I could tell my knee was causing stiffness and that I should get myself a bit more flexible and drop a few lbs.  I had a moment of conviction yesterday and called the gym.  It's pretty sad that I never knew what a discount I get working for the government and how cheap it was going to be.  A measly $5.50 a week.  While I was joining, the general manager who was signing me up, was clearly taken aback by me....and I didn't even have any make up on.  Why can't guys I'm attracted to act like this?  Knowing that it is against the rules to date members of the club, he couldn't act on it, but he sure was "acting on it"...LOL....poor guy couldn't even speak at one point.  He mentioned a number of times what a fun person I seem like and cautioned me against dating men.  UM....NOT!  And when he tried to get me to take my membership photo and I refused, he mentioned a time or two that I looked great.  It's nice to know I have this effect on men, as it happens quite often that grown men throw themselves at me like I'm some ancient goddess to be worshiped.  'Eh, it's nice to feel that way from time to time....so what can I say....I turn it on pretty thick and torture the hell out of them.

So now that I am signed up, I have a date tonight with man #16 and am going shopping for work out clothes tomorrow, and hitting the gym with a personal trainer sat morning.  I will be enrolling in the Piloxing class (kick boxing/pilates) and the Belly Dancing class.  This ought to complete my Bad ASS Goddess training and with a little luck, I will feel better, look better and Rock it even harder between the sheets.

~S~

The Dating Journey

We all have a place where we know we're supposed to be.  Where we know we need to be. Where we know we have to go.  And that place is being a mentally and emotionally healthy individual with as little baggage as possible, so we can have healthy relationships.  Generally speaking it's a long journey maybe 500 miles, and for some of us, it's thousands of miles away. 

Just like a physical journey, this journey in our mind, it's the journey that matters more than the destination.  There's three ways to get there: walk, drive, or fly. You can walk there, but it's going to be so slow and take so long, that chances are you're going to die before you ever get there. Because you're not going fast enough to get to those moments where you can really learn about yourself because youre staying in one place too long.  Or you can fly there... Tell your self you are going to just act and behave like this healthy person everyone is telling you that you're suppose to be.  You may get there right away, but youre just fooling yourself into thinking that you took the journey, just because you went "somewhere". But the reality is, that you missed everything along the way. Flying high above it, seeing nothing in detail and learning nothing about the things that you passed by so quickly. When you get there, you actually feel a little bit lost, because you don't know yourself or this person you are acting like.  You basically didnt earn it.  Or... you can drive. As you take this journey, when you see something interesting you can actually pull over take a look at it.  Investigate it, enjoy it, learn from it, get back in the car and continue on your journey. You're moving fast enough that you'll actually reach your destination, but not so fast that you miss anything along the way.

Were all screwed up in some way. We all know what the healthiest best version of ourselves should look like.  Just because we know it, just because someone tells us how and who to be,  doesn't mean we can just be it. We HAVE to take that journey, we HAVE to learn about ourselves along the way.  We can't just "be there". 

I'm learning that dating, just like anything else in life, really is about the journey.... not the destination. Sure I'd love for the man of my dreams to show up tomorrow and allow me to live happily ever after. But I know if he did show up tomorrow, I probably fuck it up beyond all repair, because I'm not done with my journey.  I'm not even close.  I haven't learned enough about myself, so that I'm ready for him when he does show up. But does that mean I shouldn't date people because I'm not ready for "the one"?

I know were all out here trying people on to see if they are a good fit.  We're learning more about ourselves with each person we try on. Along the way for me, each man that I meet, I truly enjoy the experience of him.  Even if it is a disaster.  I really pay attention to what he's giving me, even if it's not the right thing for me, and even if it wasn't his intention. I learn from it and I take that experience with me into the future.  The more I date and the more that I experience, the better woman I become. Someday I am going to meet Mr. right. And when that day comes, I hope that my journey has been full enough and rich enough that I'm ready for him.  Let's face it, we will never actually reach our "destination".  None of us will ever be "baggage free".  I just hope that when Mr. Right comes along, I've reduced my load to a small carry on, with as little trash in it as possible.

And despite the fact that it may be "taboo" to talk about sex or to have sex, sex IS important. Sex is what takes a friendship and turns it into that romantic "something special".  It's the one thing you can't do with your mother, your brother or any other type of loving relationship. It's the one thing that makes romantic love spectacular, unique, exclusive to just that ONE person.

So maybe sometimes I may sleep with someone too soon or maybe sometimes I might be too afraid to have sex or maybe sometimes we just come together at the right place at the right time and sex is all we have in common.  So what?! It is still about sharing an experience with someone, and hopefully, more often than not, it is a good experience.  I hope that somewhere out there is a man for me, that cannot only be my best friend, but also share with me the most amazing mind blowing sex.  To some extent, from time to time, I will waste my time or someone else's time, trying to spare one or both of us  hurt feelings down the road, by having sex NOW to see if it's "there". Because if it's not, I need to move on.  Unfortunately for some men, sex IS that important to me.  And from what I understand, for most men it's a very important thing for them too.  I really hope we can steer clear of the stereo typical double standard. That sex can be important for a man and they complain all the time that it's not important enough for a woman. Because here I am, a woman that sex is very important to me, I'm open and honest enough to be able to admit that, so I shouldn't be crucified for being the thing that most men complain that women are not. 

I don't know exactly what it is about me that gives off the sexual or sensual energy that makes men view me solely as a sex object though.  I don't say sex object lightly. "Object" is exactly the word that were talking about. As though I have no mind, no heart and no soul.  Treated strictly as the object of a man's desire to fulfill one, and only one of his needs. As though I'm just some materialistic thing with no emotions and don't deserve to be treated with respect, while they fulfill that need through me.  So YES I'm going to be picky, a man is going to have to treat me with respect.  And through that respect, will open the door to the sexual being that he wants in the first place. I don't think that's too much to ask to not be treated like a slut or a whore. To be treated like a human being and a woman who has more to herself than carnal sexual desires and needs.  And if the man can be mature enough, you know, an actual bona fide adult, there's no reason why there can't be consensual sex and enjoy each other.  Enjoy everything about each other.  Mind, spirit and body.  Sometimes it's going to work out and maybe there might be a connection to where we can spend time together and enjoy each other's company for more than just one night. And sometimes it's just going to be that one night. Sometimes I'm going to get my feelings hurt, wanting more out of it than the man does.  And guess what?  Yes... sometimes the man is going to get his feelings hurt, because he wants more out of it than I do. That's just the way it's going to have to go.  Historically men think of women as clingy, needy and emotional... when the woman is the one who wants more. Yet here we are and when it's the man all of a sudden, the woman is some kind of black widow, man eating monster, just using a man and being unfair and cruel.  I'm sorry boys you can't have your cake and eat it too.

Life is just life.  Sex is just sex.  A fuck is just a fuck.  And hopefully somewhere in all those experiences....a connection will be made that can't be broken.  Two people will both at the same time, find the one they can't live with out....when they are both ready.

~S~

Dating in the Dark: Man #8

I don’t know why or how exactly, but the universe has brought me this man for a reason.  I don’t know if he is to be the love of my life, or the lesson of a lifetime.  I am feeling things I have never felt before, a feeling of safety and openness.  I’m terrified, yet somehow not afraid.  He can see right into me and can see thru all my bullshit.  He can see where I try to redirect him away from my feelings.  No one else can do that.  No one knows how I feel unless I want them to know.  But he can.  He knew I was hiding something.  He knew there was a road block holding me back, causing me to self sabotage.  Causing me to run away before I had to face some dark demon.  We talked for hours before I myself discovered it, before I myself put two and two together. Cliff hanger here, as I will get to this demon in a minute.

He is completely content to be able to wait to meet me in person.  He believes I am the one he has been searching for, and that there is no need to rush fate. I however, fear that when we meet in person that there will be no chemistry or god forbid he doesn’t look like his pics or has horrible breath or god only knows one of my lame little reasons for not connecting with someone.  I have such fickle taste…..but….. Is it due to this demon or should I give up on Online dating sites because I’m too fickle in person once we meet?  Who knows, but I think the demon might have something to do with it, on a very deep-seated subconscious level.  I’m thinking, that it is easier to find some superficial fault in a man, because he is not perfect; to avoid the pain of confessing this demon, than to have someone bail on me.  I guess I feel that the guy must be REALLY worth it, really perfect, to risk that kind of rejection.  Now, I have never had to confess this to anyone, even myself.  Like I said, my feelings are in the vault and I don’t give ANYone the combination.  But this man has picked the lock.  He kept trying to figure out what it was I was afraid of, helping me to figure it out and thus, when I figured it out, I felt compelled to just tell him. 

The perfect moment was upon me, I started to cry, he was patient and kind as I struggled to find the words.  Struggled for the courage to spit it out.  I whispered thru the tears….“I understand if you never want to talk to me again after I say this”  he reassured me tenderly “just tell me, I can handle it” …lots of attempted starts n stops and then I blurted “I have herpes” with the drama befitting a 16^th century play…and with that I felt as though I had thrown myself on the dagger.  Hurled myself into the sea without a life jacket.  Put the barrel in my mouth and pulled the trigger.  As I floundered, writhing in the absolute conviction of my impending doom, he touched me (figuratively) and relieved my self inflicted misery….”Oh Honey, so do I”……batting my eyelashes thru my tears ”what?….you do?”

I swear, the clouds parted, trumpets played, and angels started singing.  The biggest weight in the world had been lifted off my shoulders. And the serenity that washed over me was surreal.  This damn little incurable disease, had caused me to believe for 20ys that no one else on the planet would want me after my husband, no good man anyways, and that is one of the main reasons I stayed with him for 20ys.  My sole purpose for dating right now was to heal myself.  To learn and grow thru the experiences, good and bad, of each man I encounter.  Be it online, or in person.  The second this weight was lifted, I felt so light, like was literally floating above my bed.  He knew it, I didn’t have to speak this aloud, though he listened intently when I did.  So, after some deliberation in my head.  I have decided to wait to meet him.  To trust myself to freefall and still be OK, no matter what happens.

It reminds me of that reality dating show on tv. “dating in the dark”, where they put singles together in pitch blackness, and after a while of talking…or what ever else they end up doing, they each get to see the other from behind a one way mirror….then…they have a  predetermined meeting time on the balcony.  If both show up, great, they go from there.  But I often thought how sad, that some couples seemed to really like each other (in the dark that is), but one of them gets stood up on the balcony in the end.  While an awesome social experiment and interesting to watch, I often wondered what the results might be, if these couples who got along….got to do it for more than a half hour.  What if they dated in the dark for say two weeks.  An hour or so each day.  Possibly even wear ski masks and go outside on real dates, so this attraction to the mind is allowed to grow.  Would the results be different?  But here "I" am, picture in hand, voice in ear….we get along, I think he is cute…..and yet I am afraid to come out of the dark, into the light, see him for who he really is, and discover if I will meet him on the balcony.

For now all I know, is that I am waiting to meet him.  I’m going to follow his lead rather than try to control this thing.  Experience him, and what HE has to offer ME.  If what I have been doing all these years hasn’t worked, why the hell am I so afraid to let go, freefall, and try a different way?

So here I am world, Jumping and trusting I can fly.

~S~

Is it false advertising to wear spanx?

Just curious.  I have thought about starting to wear dresses.  The last one I wore was my wedding dress 20ys ago.  While primarily comfort is my driving force when I shop for clothes, I’d like to dress a bit nicer for dates than my usual casual attire.  I’m a country farm girl and practicality and thriftiness are important to survival.  But it doesn’t mean this farm girl can’t look fabulous on a date right?  But then I got to the dressing room and was horrified at what starred back at me in the mirror.  It was not good, not good at all.  Of course I left the store with one little tank top, a cute shirt, and a nice little cotton jacket…but no dress.  I’d love to wear a tropical print maxi dress, but I would like my gut to not be the first thing myself or anyone else see’s.  I'm very self conscious of what carrying a child did to my stomach and would honestly love to get a tummy tuck.  I have a secret piggy bank for this and one day I hope to be able to get rid of it.  But until then.....

I heard of these great things called spanx on a Tori Spelling episode.  She was still trying to hide her pregnancy from the press and she had a red carpet event to go to.  Pregnant or not, she is still like a size 3 or something, so a little smoothing is just a teeny white lie.  I however am a size 16, a far cry away from super model actress for sure.  So then I got to wondering, ….if I wear these things under a dress on a date….is that false advertising?  At some point I don’t want to have to be peeled out of it like a banana, and have a cartoon “boing” sound in the background as my gut springs out from behind this thing….hardly a night of passion in my book. 

I found this picture of a man version of spanx, and I have to say that if I was presented with this I just might be horrified, if for some reason I was on a great date, things got hot and heavy, I rip off the guys shirt and find this little suprise waiting for me.  I hardly have this much to hide, but still would not want a man to react to me wearing one of these, as I might react if he were "spanking".

Ebay has some great deals, I think I am going to get one and see if even does hide anything and go from there.  Until then, I will have to keep comfortable in my cargo capri’s and cleavage bearing tanks. 

~S~

Mother nature kicking my ASS

Well, when you hit the single ground running, and you play hard and decide to die later…..eventually it all catches up with you and life makes you take a rest. A week ago last night, I got a horrible pain in my back.  Thinking it was a pulled muscle, I surged forward until Friday when it became painfully obvious it was not.  The doctor confirmed pneumonia, and bed rest was all I was looking for.  I was out of it all last week, really didn’t talk to many men on line and quite honestly just didn’t care.  I think subconsciously I knew I was sick.  I spent this last weekend in bed, and took yesterday off work for good measure.  I really do need to take better care of myself and listen when my body tells me it’s had enough.  My soul often times doesn’t care what else of me has to suffer to make itself happy.  My girlfriend came over and I set up an online profile for her as well.  I ate her pot roast she brought over and luckily kept it down.  But Sunday I made a few new man friends online that kept me up until 1am.  I know I just said I need to take care of myself….but c’mon….a gals gotta eat right.  If there are dates to be had for this weekend, I surely am not going to spit into the wind when it’s blowing my direction.  So maybe this weekend I may have a couple more dates lined up.  IF… it doesn’t go well….I will be implementing tactical plan B.

Which is to say, strategically hunting for men in person and flat out putting my self in front of them.  Going on a “man hunt” as Lauren Francis calls it, and finding these supposed “meatloaf” men at Wholefoods as David Wygant calls it.  I have to say that I am such a shameless flirt, that plan B just may be a whole lot more fun that Plan “Online” A has been.  I am very gregarious anyways, so bring it on Shelly…..go get your grove on.  At some point I am going to be so sexually frustrated that I just might explode.  5….4…..3…..2……..NONE

~S~

What I am learning from Christian Carter

OMG....I know my marriage and it's failure is a 50/50 stock in it's demise, and I know that the kiss of death was the final affair he had.  Had he not done that, we would still be together today as I was a sorry excuse of a pile of goo not worthy to consume so much air.  IE: no back bone.  A couple of my friends were/are decidedly insistent that I get counseling, because there is no way....NO WAY....someone could go thru what I went thru for two decades and not need professional help.  And my whorish behavior was not helping my cause to deny a need for such help.  How ever, I haven't yet slept with a single man, so....I'm just saying....

Anyways, I decided that I did need some help...with DATING.  I have been locked up for so long that I just knew I was going to spaz out on some men and scare them away at best.  No way for a lady to get laid, that's for sure!  I have been on Christian Carter's email list for a while now and have been intrigued to say the least.  But poor as well. He is the dating guru to the girls.  The 'inside the mind of a man' guy.  The 'catch him and keep him' guy.  ...The "don't be a spaz "Shelly" guy. I knew I needed his help as I was leaning this direction.  Leaning in the direction of trying to force my life into the direction that I wanted it to go.  I'm a great catch and I know it....but how do I get guys to know it if I can't get them to ask me out?  What am I doing wrong?  I'm a very attractive woman(sexy, hot, beautiful are the words said to me), according to men, but not attractive enough to be seen in public with.  Hmmm.  I knew this just could not be true.  I messaged quite a good number of men and not a one of them replied, no matter HOW or WHAT I said in that message. 

So, I did the only thing I could do...I scouted out used copies of Christian's program.  I have gotten them all except one....and let me say...OMG... am I going to have fun DATING.  Honestly, I am not ready for a relationship....a knew it before...but it is for sure now.  My husband did a number on me for 2 decades, and I fell pray to all the common women's response to his bull shit.  Maybe if I had these programs back in the day, I could have averted many of our pitfalls, but I doubt it.  He was an alcoholic, and we were doomed to a marriage of mediocrity from the get go.  However, I never want to live that way again, so not only do I want to be able to spot an unhealthy man quickly, I want to know how to ATTRACT the right man, and know how not to push him away once I do find him.  I don't want to fall for a man, I want to fall in love because I CHOSE the right man. I know his programs are going to help me do just that.  And why do I know this?

Because I am learning how to control myself, learning to heal myself, learning that my husbands problems of infidelity and alcohol issues were NOT my fault.  I'm learning how a guy might perceive my behavior, not me girlfriend's.  I personally think these tapes will be far better for me than counseling ever would have been.  I love some of the 'experts' he has interviewed as well Such as Marie Forleo and Lauren Francis. I can't wait to get thier stuff too, along with many other guest speakers he has shared in his programs.

The best part about them, is that I am getting instant results too.  I happen to be very introspective and study from programs like this all the time, so I am quick to understand, conceptualize and put into practice.  While I will eventually go back and do each program with pen in hand.  At the moment I am just listening to each CD as fast as I can, to get thru them ALL, so I could figure out how to chill and stop forcing my life.  I have all this pent up sexual energy that is literally bursting out of me.  I can only unleash it on the guys at the gay bar for so long before I will explode!  The partying is almost out of my system, and my gay guy friends really help me cut loose and let it all out.  I'm going to have to contact Christian and thank him as soon as I get more of myself figured out.  I've been listening to non stop Cd's in the car on my commute, and my inner spirit has already undergone a major overhaul that the whole world around me is commenting on.  Thanks Christian....you ROCK!  You have saved a whole lot of men from my uncontrollable sexual tension.

I will be blogging soon about Marie and Lauren as they have helped me immensely as well.

Peace n Love
~S~

Click here for more info on Christian Carter and his amazing products.

"I'm Sorry"

Two little words that can seal a crater…OR….drive the knife in your heart a little bit deeper.  I’ve learned that “I’m sorry” often times means nothing, nothing compared to ones actions.  It’s true, actions definitely do speak louder than words.  Last night, as usual, my husband was ‘helping’ me do something.  But did not tell me he was doing so, and in his carelessness where I was concerned, I got hurt pretty bad.  He is always in a hurry, and I can’t go fast enough or efficient enough to satisfy him….and somehow I end up bruised at best.  So he nearly broke my elbow last night pulling an ice back out of the freezer from behind me.  I had no idea he was there….the ice had melted and then hardened back to one giant block of ice.  As he was pulling it out, I moved my elbow in that direction and WHAMO….I was seeing stars and cursing to the heavens.  Blah Blah Blah….10 min later….he was pissed at me….ME!!! Because I was upset that I was hurt.  I had accepted his apology, as benign as it was, but my son was trying to make me feel guilty and in my explanation to him, my husband got mad at me.  I am an intelligent woman, and I can totally understand accidents, and I can whole heartedly forgive them.  But not when your ‘accident’ is due to complete and utter carelessness with a total lack of consideration for those around you…namely ME…..and someone gets hurt….namely……ME!!  As usual, in the end…..”I” was the one graveling begging for forgiveness.  Honestly….after 19ys….how the fuck can I still be such a pathetic fucking wimp.  For god sakes….he is moving out in 2 weeks.  We are in fact getting a divorce….and I am still begging HIM forgiveness for hurting ME.  This morning, after icing my elbow for over an hour last night, I have a huge lump on the bone and it is killing me.  But it’s very comforting to know…..”Accidents happen”.  ARGHHHHHHH….!@#$%^&*(

~S~

"I need you"

"I need you".........The three hardest words to say.  Harder to say than "I want you"....for sure harder than "I hate you"....Even harder than saying "I love you".

Saying "I need you" leaves you naked, exposed and vulnerable in a way no other admission can.  Vulnerable to have your soul ripped into shreds.  Vulnerable to being abused and taken advantage of.  Saying "I need you" can bring you to your knees, leaving you at the mercy of another's merciless soul.  Exposing your heart to the greatest pain and self doubt ever known.  Words that don't need to be said, in order to be felt by another.  A plea not needing utterance to be twisted into another's advantage over you.  The essence of your being, shackled to your cries of weakness.  Desperate to avoid tyranny and oppression, hoping for tenderness and benevolence.

There is no feeling I hate more than needing someone.  I hate how the second they know I need them, they feel it gives them free licence to tear me down.  Like I am no longer worthy of common decency and respect.  A free for all of mayhem and destruction.  What ever it takes to reduce me to the smallest resemblance of humanity.....and why?.....Because I am in need...that's why.  THAT is my crime....needing YOU.  I swear...I am going to do my damndest to get out of my current situation as quickly as possible because I do not ever....and I do mean EVER....want to NEED anyone ever again.  I love to feel needed, but I don't twist someone elses need of ME into some form of sadistic strong hold over them.  But here I sit, the victim of my own choices and decisions, forcing me to need, forcing me to be at someone elses mercy.....I will swallow this pill for now, as I suppose I deserve some of it.  I will take it like a woman, though I will hate every second of it.
~S~

Guy Friend

Last night was rough for me. I cried a lot yesterday.  I know this is what I want, what I need, and what’s good for me.  But damn I’m kinda sad.  I talked with Josh for an hour or so last night.  We miss each others friendship for sure.  He was the only one who could make me laugh yesterday.  I needed it. 

While I will forever be grateful for the gift he gave me….boy am I glad we are not a couple!  He has to be the trampiest man whore I have ever met!  We will be great friends though and that is perfect.  Now that the Venus retrograde is over, my emotions are flooding out of me.  All the things that laid dormant in me the last 6 weeks are surfacing at an alarming pace.  I couldn’t sleep last night and all I could think about was sex….SEX SEX SEX…. Even sex with Josh!  And with all the events that took place during the retrograde, I am more convinced than ever that I knew Josh in a past life and Venus’ little trip thru Gemini brought him to me.  While I will never trust another man again in my life, not fully, Josh did just as the stars destined him to do.  He healed my broken heart.  My heart no longer aches and cries out from the pain of the infidelity.  Not that I’m not hurt by it any more, just that it is not an all consuming pain that I must suffer and survive on a daily basis, and it gave me the strength to stand up for myself and to be treated fairly.  To say out loud that this life is not good enough for me and to be brave enough to go for a life that is.  I will never doubt the stars again…and soon enough Josh and I will be partying hard!  He has basically warned me that he will protect me like no other, and that he will not let an unworthy man near me.  Just what I need when I am lonely horny and desperate for sex……a tiger of a cock block!

~S~

Narcissistically Me

It was suggested to me that my husband is a narcissist, and most likely suffers from Narcissistic Personality disorder. So I looked it up.  I thought I knew what it meant, and although I was pretty close, it is of course far more involved than what I suspected.  As I read, it not only became clear to me that YES he indeed does suffer from NPD, but that I may be a narcissist as well, quite possibly my son too.  The good news is that characteristics of narcissism are, to a great exten,t a normal part of self development.  It is when we don’t grow out of it as we mature, or it becomes excessive that we have an issue.  So my concern for my son was quickly alleviated, but as for myself, not so much. 

I found a test to take online to determine if I was a narcissist….and especially excessively so…..and all I can say is….”Whew” No I'm not…but it then appeared that I might have a superiority complex …..oh lord.  So off to google again to find a test for THAT.  Good news….seems I suffer from an inferiority complex instead and may use superiority techniques to disguise it. 

Hmmm…I wonder how much being molested as a child, raised by a poor single mother with borderline personality disorder, a non-existent narcissistic father, alcoholic step parents, raped as a teen, and living 19ys with an alcoholic narcissistic husband….have anything to do with that??

So the more I thought about it, the more I decided…..to some extent and in varying degrees….we ALL have some kind of personality disorder or neurosis…it’s the ones who’s disorders inflict pain on others that are the problem….and that group would include my husband.  And I would venture to say, any one involved with a compulsive cheater, such as I am, is most likely involved with a narcissist.  Because it takes a whole lot of lack of empathy to repeatedly betray the one you supposedly love. 

~S~

For those that want to 'test' yourself or your cheating partner....

Here is the test.

The need to connect

"The first transatlantic telegraph cable was made of 340,500 miles of copper and iron wire, designed to stretch 2,876.95 miles along the ocean floor.  Once the cable was in place, you could use electrical impulses and signal code to send any message you wanted to the other side of the world.  Human beings are hard wired with the impulse to share our ideas and the desire to know you’ve been heard…… it’s all part of our need for community.  That’s why were constantly sending out signals and signs, and why we look for them from other people.  We’re always waiting for messages, hoping for connection,  and if we haven’t received a message, that doesn’t always mean it hasn’t been sent to us….sometimes it means we haven’t listened hard enough.

In spite of all our communication technology, no invention is as effective as the sound of the human voice.  When we hear the human voice, we instinctively want to listen,  in the hopes of understanding it….. even when the speaker is searching for the right words to say.  Even when all we hear is yelling, or crying, or singing.  That’s because the human voice resonates differently from anything else in the world.  That’s why we can hear a singers voice over the sound of a full orchestra.  We will always hear that singer, no matter what else surrounds it." Touched

I was listening to the news the other day, as background noise, and heard that facebook of all things is not doing well.  That people are actually BORED with it, and as such, stocks are falling....or something like that.  I didn't pay close attention because, let's face it, I couldn't really give a shit.  But, it occured to me that our need to connect with others has gone from taking years to cross a sea to make the first connection, to never having to really make another connection again.  Our insatiable appitite for satisfying ourselves right now, and the ability for sites like facebook and Tagged to feed that need in a nano second.....sharing the most mundane of daily 'experiences' with each other....has caused us to have burned out.  We are not REALLY connecting that way....and we have now opted out of house calls, voice calls, and shockingly email calls.....in exchange for texting and just posting our lives, never having to truly 'converse' ....we just read what is going on in our dearest loved ones lives....give it a thumbs up "Like"...and move on.  And what's really sad, if you google in the images section, the word 'touch'....99.9% of the results are technology based images. 

That is what I loved about bar hopping this  last weekend.  People were every where...in cars and taxi's....on bikes and walking.  There were 5-6 bars in a 9 square block area....intermingled with residential homes and frat houses.  Between the hours of 11pm and 2am, there was never a time when there wasn't people....REAL people on the street....interacting, talking, touching, laughing and living life.  When people talked, no one gave a thumbs up and shouted "Like"...they listened and laughed with them, and TALKED with them.  As people passed each other on the street, they smiled and said hello.  I made new friends and we talked for hours while dancing a little and sharing pics and things.

Of course at this stage in my marriage/divorce, I cannot be going out all the time....in fact barely at all....so my desire to connect is strong.  I take any form of connection I can...and at this point it is tagged.com.  I have male friends all over the country of every relationship status known to relationships.  I have reconnected with my friends that I ignored due to hanging out with Josh....and have accepted a fairly large group of new friends recently.  A few that I would love to meet in person, and a few that I would love to be cruel and just delete.  And, as always, my favorite...Owen.  Man would I love to meet him in person and tear him UP!  We have the BEST connection, even though it is digital.  And maybe, just maybe, someday we can connect in real life.
~S~

"I love you"

Isn't it funny just how many emotions and promises are attached to those 3 little words, be they real or percieved.  Probably more than any other 3 word combination in any human language.  We say it and write it in many forms.... "Love you", "luv you", "luv u" "love ya" "luv ya" and we even use litte emoticons and graphics with little hearts.....but the one that I think is the most personal, that conveys the most, is the one with the little "I" in front of it.  It is what separates casual love from deep meaningful love. What all do those three little words imply?  And does it mean the same to the person saying it, as it does to the one hearing it?  Most likely not. 

Some things it can convey.....

"You can trust me" and "I trust you"
"I'm not going anywhere" and "please don't leave me"
"I get you" and "I love that you get me"
"I will never hurt you" and "Please don't hurt me"
"I think your wonderful" and it feels great to know "You think I am wonderful"
"Thank you for all that you do for me" and "I will do all that I humanly can for you"

The list goes on and on.....but is there just as much really conveyed in the reply "I love you"?  We say it so automatically in response to someone saying it first, that I think it means very little more than a simple
"thank you".....as in 'thank you for telling me that YOU love ME...because I know if I don't say it back....it will hurt your feelings"

Often I think we say it, just to get the return 'I love you' to validate our feelings or needs.  So sometimes "I love you" really only means....."Do YOU love ME?"  Which is an oxy moron considering the reply could only mean "thank you for saying that" so it really validates nothing and if that is what you are seeking, you will always question if the reply was sincere.

And then when things are bad, like they are for me and my husband right now, when I say "I love you" that is ALL it means.  It does NOT mean...

"I forgive you"
"I'm not leaving"
"I accept your weak attempt to change"
"I love the way you treat me"

Right now when I say it....it very simply means

"Yes I love you, but I love me more"
"Please don't hurt yourself"
"I do care about you"

What would the world be like, if we actually said the things we really feel and asked the questions we really wanted to ask, rather than cheapen the meaning of the trilogy by using it to infer so much else that we just cannot say.

~S~

Drops of Jupiter

The magic of song lyrics

The past few days I have been listening to my music, in shuffle mode, rather than the most recent style of self indulgence listening to one song for days on end.  I had noticed that I was choosing a song based on my current emotion, set it on replay, just to have background noise.  Problem was, I think it was influencing my mood instead of enhancing it.  So I thought that maybe I should choose some songs that evoke the emotions I WANT to feel.  I have to say it is making a difference.  However a really cool thing happened once I did that.  I started to listen, REALLY listen, to the lyrics of my favorite songs.  I have heard them all thousands of times, most of them I know the words by heart, but I never REALLY listened to the brilliance of their poetry.  I decided that for the rest of the week I would listen with careful purpose to the artistry, to the poetry, not just the music and words as an overall whole.  WOW….I have been so moved by them.  These lyricists are pure poetic genius.  I am actually a bit envious of the depth of soul some of them really have. 

One of my favorites is “drops of Jupiter” by train.  I think it is one of the most brilliantly insightful songs ever written.  However, you might find it interesting to know, that he wrote that song about his mother who had passed away from cancer-believing her spirit was back on earth with him, not about a lover who left him to “search her soul”.  He included things that he thought she would miss about being on earth with him, such as fried chicken and long talks with him.  Although I do strongly believe one of the great things about poetry and music, is that we each can interpret a song or poem to mean what ever inspires our own emotions.  So for me, ‘Drops of Jupiter’ is about me and my ‘soul vacation’ because that is exactly what I am on….a soul journey.  And what better way to do that than traipsing across the constellations, dancing along the light of day.  But the song reminds us about those that we leave behind while sailing across the sun and the things they have to offer us here on “earth”….and that most likely, while fun, we risk losing the things we enjoy with those who love us.  For me that is my son, my friends, and my hobbies…..but sadly….few things about my husband.

I feel I have been trapped for so long that I have to break out of this atmosphere and have a stay on the moon.  I must make it to the Milky Way to see for my self if the lights are faded and heaven is over rated.  Maybe I will fall for a shooting star.  Can Venus blow my mind?  Will it be everything I’m hoping to find?  I don’t know if it will be, I just know I need to see for myself.

~S~

Drops Of Jupiter lyrics
Now that she's back in the atmosphere
With drops of Jupiter in her hair, hey
She acts like summer and walks like rain
Reminds me that there's a time to change, hey
Since the return from her stay on the moon
She listens like spring and she talks like June, hey, hey

But tell me, did you sail across the sun?
Did you make it to the Milky Way
To see the lights all faded
And that heaven is overrated?

Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star?
One without a permanent scar
And then you missed me
While you were looking for yourself out there?

Now that she's back from that soul vacation
Tracing her way through the constellation, hey
She checks out Mozart while she does Tae-Bo
Reminds me that there's room to grow, hey

Now that she's back in the atmosphere
I'm afraid that she might think of me as
Plain ol' Jane told a story about a man
Who was too afraid to fly so he never did land

But tell me, did the wind sweep you off your feet?
Did you finally get the chance
To dance along the light of day
And head back to the Milky Way?

And tell me, did Venus blow your mind?
Was it everything you wanted to find?
And then you missed me
While you were looking for yourself out there

Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken
Your best friend always sticking up for you
Even when I know you're wrong?

Can you imagine no first dance, freeze-dried romance
Five-hour phone conversation
The best soy latte that you ever had, and me?

One of those days

What can I say, I hate to be a pessimist, but once you cut your forehead while banging your head getting in the car.... It's bound to be all downhill after that.... And it was/is.... Picking up speed. My make up spilled all over the floor of the car, my son forgot his backpack and I had to drive back to deliver it... Back home to discover the dog drank my coffee. Which is fine.... It had grounds floating in it any ways.

Today is a rare day for sure as Venus travels between the earth and sun today.... Last time that happened was 105ys ago. Should make for an interesting day for this Venus ruled Libra for sure

~S~