~Dim the lights~

She burned white hot and beamed with life

But this light would only cause her strife

Blinded by her radiant glow

Friends and lovers became her foe

One by one, her flames they snuffed

Until she’d finally had enough

She broke free to light her fire

To find the love she doeth desire

But yet again she burns too bright

Shameful should she dim her light

Look at yourself before you demand

She’ll light the way of your darkened land

Stay in the dark or follow along

But do not silence a brilliant song

~S~

I wrote this when I started thinking about how/why I intimidate men, people in general really, and the split second thought I had, that maybe I should dull it down a bit to stop scaring men away.  But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that is what I did in my marriage and with my friends for years....and look where it got me.  A dead soul.  So I decided I am going to just be ME and let the man who is strong enough to be MY man find me.  I know for my future, I want a man who is strong enough that I don't have to rule the world anymore.  A man so strong, he can be the soft place for ME to land.  I am a lot of woman to be around, and any man who can't handle it.....doesn't deserve me.  So, this big light of mine....I'm gonna let it shine!

~S~

Demons of My Past are starting to Haunt Me

Well I had an interesting weekend for sure.  Emotions started creeping up on me....and fast.  This is the first time in 19yrs I will not be with family for the holidays.  My ex's parents are in from Colorado and he asked for my son for Thanksgiving. It's also the first time in too many years to count, that "I" won't be the host slaving with love over a dead bird to create my world famous master piece......my gravy.  I hate to brag, but my gravy is out of this world.  Just pour it in a mug and enjoy!  But as the holiday is getting closer, it is hitting me hard.  I'm finding it hard to hold back the tears and I think it is starting to bleed into my single life.

So about Dan..... here's what happened.  Our mutual friends had a party and invited both of us.  Let me say that every one thinks we should be together and are going out of their way to try to make it happen.  Dan has expressed a liking to me, and I of him.  However, I think neither of us are truly "ready" for this as we are both going thru a divorce right now.  But none the less, there we were at this party, both of us nervous and self conscious to talk to each other.  We were both lively and chatty with everyone else at the party, but with each other..???.....Total Morons.  I was married for 19ys and he for 15ys, and it's only been a few months since both our separations.  He did ask a friend for my phone number a week ago, but I haven't gotten a phone call.....sooooo.  For the life of me, I can't "read" him, to get any reassurance if he likes me or is interested. All I can do is go on his actions......because they absolutely speak louder than words.  The fact is....he hasn't called....he hasn't asked me out.  PERIOD

The weird part for me is MY actions.  At first I was only semi interested, thinking about him...."ya he's good looking" but that was about it.  No serious thoughts in my head like I would just die if we didn't hook up somehow.  But he shows up to this party, wranglers, a nice cowboy shirt, his boots....a fresh haircut and goatee trim and DAMN.....he was kinda sexy....and all of a sudden.....the tables turned on me.  All of a sudden.....now I am really interested....REALLY.....and got tongue tied.  I saw Dan the cowboy man in a whole new light....and that's when the demons grabbed a hold of me.

Now all of a sudden I feel absolutely inferior.  I feel like I'm not good enough and once he gets to know me he will change his mind about me.  All those demons my ex put in my head about how I'm no good and everything is my fault, are flooding me all at once.  And the dreaded herpes demon of course.  Like how could a great guy want a woman with herpes?  Even though I know better, even though I know how great I am and that there are plenty of men who don't care about herpes, I can't stop it from invading my mind. So now I find myself crying at the drop of a hat.....like somehow Dan the cowboy man is the only man alive.  I keep telling  myself that he is in fact NOT the only man alive and keep trying to shake these feelings, but I'm finding it so hard and wondering.....why now?  Why are these feelings coming up now?  I have been fine since the day I kicked my husband out.  I have talked to many men, dated a few, had sex with a few....it never bothered me before.  WHY NOW?  My best friend said that it's because I see a potential for happiness and not just a "good time"...and I agree.....since that potential for happiness....also comes with the potential to actually be hurt....which is most likely the leading fear.  NOT a fear of happiness....but a fear of pain.  Pain of rejection.

So I can totally get that Dan is afraid of rejection, because I can almost guarantee that my fear of the same rejection far outweighs his.  Kind of seems self centered and arrogant that I would think my fear is greater than his.  For all I know....he has herpes too and is going through the same damn thing.  I mean REALLY....how do I know?

Regardless of my "feelings".....my actions will be that of aloofness....none of it matters.....if he doesn't pick up the damn phone and CALL me....then that is HIS loss.

~S~

Cowboy Man Dan

So let me tell you about Dan…..Dan the “cowboy man”.  A couple months ago I was at a horse event with my friends and updating them as to my current “single” status.  I had noticed this one guy at the event and thought he was good looking and mentioned to my friends that he is a one in a million guys my own age that I actually found attractive.   As I have stated before, I tend to be attracted to younger men….rather creeped out by older men. 

So after the event we had a potluck and Dan sat at my table and took his sunglasses off.  Right then I realized I knew him and we discovered that not only had we worked together 20ys ago, but that we had gone out on a few dates as well.  He quickly mentioned this to mutual friends, but did really say if he was interested in me at this time.  Well, a few weeks ago I attended another event and he was there.  We ended up talking for a few hours, both during the potluck and a couple hours after as well.  I needed to leave to get my kid, yet he kept teasing me to stay.  I thought he might be interested, yet he didn’t ask me out.  We are both going thru the divorce process and quite honestly, neither of us are ready for a serious relationship.  I thought little more about it until my friends called me up to go on a trail ride with them last weekend.  Of course I agreed.  Not only would I have a great ride with friends, but Dan was going to be going as well.  Despite the fact that I got hurt falling off my horse, I still enjoyed the day. 

After the ride we had a picnic lunch and when Dan and Mike left to do something, Judy quickly told me that Dan asked about me, mentioned he wanted to ask me out, but that he was afraid of rejection.  I told Judy to tell him that I am interested and he should ask me out, but not in a way that he thinks I am expecting him to ask me out and anxiously awaiting it.  I told her that I didn’t want him to feel any pressure.  So Later after I left, he asked Judy what I said….she told him to ask me out and do you want to know what that wimp said?  He said “I’m not ready”…..WTF !!?!!

Why is he asking all these damn questions if he isn’t “ready”?  So I asked a guy friend at work as to why this might be as I just don’t get it.  My friend said that it is different going thru a divorce for a man than a woman.  That they are afraid they are more likely to have the ex try to screw them if they start dating too soon.  He also said, in general, he is likely afraid of rejection as 70-80% men are, and that by asking if I was interested, he probably thought I wasn’t, hoped I wasn’t….as then there was nothing for him to do than go on his merry way…….BUT…..once he found out that I am interested….NOW…..it’s an “oh crap” moment…..”oh crap…now what?...What do I say? What if she really isn’t interested?” and thus….retorting…….”I’m not ready”. 

But Still….So my friend told me to just be patient and see what happens.  I told him that is exactly what I intend to do.  No Rush, No Hurry, No Worry…….

We’ll see, only the future will tell.

~S~

Plenty of Fish in the Sea.....DEAD fish that is...

There may be "plenty of fish in the sea"

But they aren't online...

Goodbye online dating….for good.  You served a purpose and served it well.  You got my feet wet in the world of dating after being out of the scene for 20ys.  You brought me some real characters and I learned a lot from your interesting ways…..but it’s over.  I’m breaking up with you.  Not one of the men you provided me was a quality man with normal social skills.  Well maybe man #25, but still….he’s not “the one”.  I’m a living breathing creature with above average social skills and I’m kind of cute too, just not photogenic.  I don’t know if my pics portray me in a way that only certain men are drawn to me online, or if that is just what is “available” on line.  My best friend explained that the “free” sites have less serious men.  So maybe someday I might try Match.com or Eharmony…..but for now, it is just me and the real world filled with real men.  Men whom I can tell instantly if we have mutual attraction and then we can go from there.  Not the way it has been, talking to an investing time in a bunch of men who went no where.  I am not bitter, don’t get me wrong….we just are not compatible, you and I.  No more pervy penis pics, no more begging for pics of me naked, no more social morons, no more!  I may get a little bored…but that’s ok.  It’s just motivation to get out there and find those men in the grocery store…like the butcher who remembers me every time I come in now.   Not to mention….Dan the cowboy…..until next time…..arrivederci  POF and OKC…..I’m bouncing!

~S~

My Last Online Date: Man #26....UGH X 10

After last weekends date, I have come to the conclusion that online dating is not for me.  However, I have this one last guy to meet with and what ever happens....happens.  I have disabled my POF and OKC accounts and am heading into the "real" world to meet men..........I typed that on my way out the door for my last online date.  We had been texting all week and by his own admission he was a VERY out going person and after last weekends boring date....who couldn't use some time with a fellow extrovert?  I did tell  him that we would be meeting just as "friends", as I had a feeling after all the other men I was NOT attracted to, that there was a high likelyhood that I would not be attracted to him and I didn't want to set any sort of expectation.  He said he completely understood.  Great.  So I drove to Sacramento to meet him as there are so many things to do there that two extroverts could really set the town on fire.  I met him at his house and we drove in his car.  Right off the bat I could smell a boring date on the horizon, but decided not to jump to any conclusions just yet.  Well we got to the sushi place and from that moment on it was like pulling teeth to get him to say anything.  His sengtences were about 4-8 words long and that's it.  We had some great food and the saki was a neccesity for me to survive. 

We left there for another bar and it did not get better.  He did finally start talking a little, but he still made last weeks date look like a talk-a-thon.  I asked him if he was nervous and he admitted he was not a big talker.  WTF....kinda pisses me off then that he flat out said he was prior to meeting me.  We stood outside and had a cigarette before we left at which time he put his arm around me.  I made no such reciprocal advances toward him and I thought he got the hint that I wasn't interested 'that' way.  He tried to talk me into staying the night at his house.  I politely said I couldn't.  So when we got to his house I was quite surprised, despite my desperate prayers, that he tried to kiss me.  I off course made othe offensive head turn and he got nothing but cheek.  So I was even more surprised that he went in for a second attempt after I got in my car before I got a chance to shut the door.  Where on earth does a guy who is not confident enough to TALK to a woman find the courage to try to kiss her?  Where!?!  So here's a tip for all you "nice guys" out there......When you go in for a kiss and get a cheek....trust me...it is no accident.  Pay closer attention to other clues.  Ask her out again.  If she says yes....then try for attempt #2....on date #2....but most likely she is going to say no, or tell you it will be only as friends.  If you get the cheek.....ask for the check.....it's over.    Anyways, I drove away as fast as I could.  texted him the obligitory "thanks for a great time" and never heard from him again.  Had a been a girl that just was not 'that kind of girl' but still liked him...I would have been bummed that he didn't call again.  Just goes to show that he either ONLY was looking for sex, OR, he knew I wasn't interested.  Either way.....no further contact from him says alot, because if he really was OK with meeting as and making friends....he would have contacted me as a friend.

I stopped at my local bar on my way home to check on my friend Joe, who wasn't there.  But Wayne (a guy that I tried to have an affair with a few years ago but I couldn't do it) was there DJ'ing.  I have been getting the feeling that he is planning to make a move on me when the time is right....along with another bar fly Travis that has the hots for me.  So I chatted for a few minutes and went home to sleep my boredom away.

That was my last and final date from an online dating site.  PERIOD
~S~

Online Date Man #25....UGH

So I finally thought I might have met someone that would be NORMAL....not a perv.....we texted for over a week. Not once did he refer to sex or my body.  Very nice and respectful, despite flirting on the edge of the sexual zone.  He asked me out....we decided to meet for lunch.  I have to say that I was physically attracted to his pictures and he seemed like he would be fun to hang out with......well....not so much.

It was a sunday, lunch time and we had to wait for a table with one of those buzzer things.  I figured he might be nervous or something and he quite possibly was.  Even though we managed to talk for nearly 3hrs straight....it was sooooo boring.  He only smiled a few times and I felt like I was constantly trying to engage him with him never really trying to engage me.  He reminded me of one of my uncles with a real dry sense of humor.  He mentioned that he used to be really introverted, but that he is much more outgoing now.  I am the proverbial social butterfly and the quiet ones do nothing for me.  He did little if anything to "end" the date, even though I kind of kept hinting to the fact that it was OVER.  Finally we got up from our table and walked out to the cars.  A quick thank you, nice to meet you, hug and away I drove.

At this point I figured he was just as bored as me and I would not hear from him again.  I sent him a thank you text and thought that was the end of it.  But no, he texted me for a week and a half now and no word or mention of a second date.  Now I will say that because he may have been nervous, I would be willing to entertain him on a second date.  So my best friend made me ask him how HE thought the date went.  He said he thought it went good.....But, he has not asked me out again.  Nor do we talk on the phone.  I am a little confused, but I am not worrying at all because I am pretty sure he is not "the one"

~S~

Online dating: Men #18-24

Ok, so there has been a whole lot of action, going all of about no where for a while.  Here's the update:

Man #18  was an arrogant womanizing PIG. I befriended him just to get the "male pig" perspective.  He actually told me that he joined POF simply to fuck away the memory of a "hot chick" that sucked dick like a porn star.  I seriously don't know from what planet he thought a woman, even a friend, would want to hear that shit...but he blurted it out.....  SO, I started asking questions.  Asked why he wanted to go out with a woman who didn't "suck" very good?  Being that he stated he could not get off any other way.  Things like that.  It was quite insightful to talk to a man who seemed to genuinely not like women.  Most of them he called "bitch" by default. I have encoutered men who like sex more than relationships before, but none of them seemed to think so lowly of women as he does.  Most of them LOVE women, just don't want to be in relationships.

Man #19 is from a long time ago and actually lives about 400 miles away.  I almost drove down to see him, but decided I was just not desperate enough to do so....so he is on the back burner as emergency plan B.  Should I find myself horny with no available options and in a state of despair.....I just might make the pilgrimage.

Man #20 was a little too boring for the conversation to get off the ground and into a date.  We just faded away. 

Man #21.....OMG....what a freak show.  At first things were going great, we talked and he seemed "normal" so we decided to meet that friday.  Then he started getting carried away with sex talk.  I told him that I was uncomfortable with the subject until after we meet.  So instead of dropping it, he started making inuendo's toward sex.  Being a very horny woman, I went along with it even though I had this nagging feeling.  He also during this sex talk, kept refering to me as "her/she".  Seems that often, i have discovered, that many men feel the need to "sell" themselves sexually....in order to get a date.  It was in his "pitch" that he would make the reference.  "SHE is always pleased"...."I'm always gentle with HER"........how wierd is that?  As the weekend drew near, I became increasingly unsetteled.  Then Friday afternoon I was asked out by man #15.....finally.  So I said yes and cancelled on man#21.  While at first this might seem cruel or self serving....in the end it was a blessing in disguise.....despite the kharma related ending it had for me....which I will get to in a minute.  So when I told man#21 that my ex was not picking up my kid (the excuse given for cancelling) he freaked out and said he HAD to see me....THAT night and frantically asked for my address....home address.  I told him that I don't have men over at my house on a first date or when my kid is home.  He insisted and asked if I could come out to the street or something.  He went on and on about how disapointed he was, that "I" knew how much he was looking forward to meeting me.  I knew instantly what that "nagging" feeling I had been having was about, and it was THIS.  I knew he was going out of town the next day, yet the next morning he tells me that his trip was cancelled and could I meet him that night.  I told him I already had plans for the evening that I could not get out of.  And with that, I never heard from him again.  WHEW!!!.....but as for the date I accepted to cancel on this guy.......read on.....

Man#15......We had been messaging on and off for about a month and it finally progressed to the point of a date.  Mind you, I didn't instigate this date, nor did I suggest it.  He always appeared to be a nice and respectful man and we had great conversations online.  He asked me to meet him that night, I said yes and we decided to meet in the middle.  about a 40 min drive for each of us.  We texted right up to the point where I was pulling into the town in question when he cancelled saying he got a call that his kid was sick and he had to go get her.  He seemed genuinely upset that he couldn't make it.....and I havn't heard from him since.  So how is that for kharma?  I get stood up by the guy who I stood up another guy for.  Kharma....she's a bitch!

Man#22....This is a WTF? kind of guy.  Ya know....one that I am REALLY attracted to, he says the same thing....and poof.....vanished into thin air before it ever got started.  Damnit!!!

Man#23....he was a cutie, we talked on the phone, he seemed sweet and normal.  We were texing alot, sent a few pics and whamo......"I want to lick your Ass"......That was also during the week with the other freak....so I just never replied to the text.  He sent me a few more that I didn't reply to.  He got the hint and left me alone.

That was a few weeks of my life I'll never get back.  But I learned some valuable lessons.  Number ONE...is to listen to my gut....the pervs just give off signals...I clearly have a radar for it....so I need to listen to it.  At this point I am thinking.....I am done with online dating.  Just have to play out the last two guys I'm chatting with first.  Regardless of the outcome....I'm pretty sure online dating isn't for me.

~S~

Feast or Famin....it's a buffet at the moment! Men #18-#23

Well, alot has gone on since Vacation man (#17) And just when I thought I couldn't do any "better" than the crap that I was snagging.....my fishing net pulls up a bounty to choose from.  Finally....Though most could still be crap, to soon to tell.  However, I have yet another sexual dilema.  There is this hot guy (#21) that, well I am not attracted to for "dating" but.....he promises to be a full night of passion. (don't they all?)  Back to the "can't beat 'em-join 'em"....with this one.  Vacation man got me frustrated big time....and I need it like a crack ho needs her pipe.  I have a few others dangling on the line, that are possibly willing to not view me as just a sexual object.

#18...Mr. Shallow, is a real Local guy, who we are just "friends"...fine by me, he is NOT my type personality wise....in any way shape or form, and he aint good looking enough to be as shallow as he is.

 #19...The puruvian Lover, is a guy who'm we've been texting as friends since April.  He lives so far away that despite our mutual attraction...It really is just too far away.  But, we've been talking about finally meeting.....we'll see. 

#20...Mr Nice.  This is a new development, he's a correctional officer, we'll see if this goes anywhere.  I think I might be too much for him.

#21...The Assyrian Lover I spoke of above....he may be too much for me...LOL

#22...Mr. Libra, another new development, my heart is pounding....I really want to meet this one.....REALLY

#23...Mr. Flip that chick~POF~pending

#4....showed back up and thinks he deserves a second chance to stand me up again....

Hmmm...could my whole thought process be wrong?

So I've been thinking a bit after "vacation man", and how for all intents and purposes, we were not THAT compatable as far as conversation goes...I doubt I could have dated him as he kind of had that "old fart" vibe to him....and honestly I was not really "into" him physically either.  But when he planted that first kiss on me, and it was soooooo damn good....I wanted more.....and it was the steamiest make out session I have had in decades.  I felt like a kid again, yet not, because I am old enough and wise enough to not feel like I was being a "bad girl".  I love kissing....love Love LOVE....kissing...with someone good anyways.  I could and have, done it for hours.

Anyways, not that I feel like I made a serious mistake with the men I have met and disqualified, I do wonder about my screening process....in the looks department.  Not the obvious way out there kind of "not attracted"...but the "almost, but no cigar" kind of not attracted....

I wonder if guys I have dismissed based on some minor superficial looks stuff, which felt like deal breakers at the time, if they planted a hot and steamy kiss on me....would I feel different.  This would either apply to sexual encounters only...at first glance....and if the personality is there....for ongoing dating as well. 

 So what should I do, when confronted with a guy who I'm not particularly attracted to, for minor things, not major differences, should I just go in for the kiss and see how it makes me feel?  Rather than the "blow off" I  have been doing?  And if the answer is yes, should I be even LESS judgmental and superficial and give man #16 a chance, despite his rather large size?  I do find him enjoyable to spend time with.  His face is cute, and he is really sweet and respectful aside from the sizing ME up.....should I?  Afterall he IS a Capricorn.....and not suppose to be compatible with my Libra tendancies.  What should I do....he's asked me out again?

~S~

Are you Kidding me? Really? Man #16

I just have to get this off my chest, or ass, or what ever fucking body part you men are focusing on.  When you say in your online profile that you are a BIG guy but proportioned...and show up with a gut the size of a keg....THAT is NOT proportionate!  No matter how fucking tall you are.  So when you show up to a first meeting with a chick who is disproportionately better looking than you, you have ALOT of nerve judging HER in any manner.  Dude's....seriously?  I think I am totally bailing on the whole online dating thing.  I'm just not cut out for it.  I'm not a cold hearted bitch and I don't have the heart to say...."I'm sorry....you're just too big".  I'm new at the dating thing anyways, so I know I have to get better at speaking my mind that "we are just not a good fit".  I'm such a fucking woosie in this department.  I hate to hurt anybody's feelings. And it's part of my growth to be able to stand up for myself and speak my mind.  He was sweet, respectful and fun to be around, and I honestly enjoyed his company....But good God..... he would smother me....literally.  Many things snap under too much weight....twigs, swings, bridges, buildings....and believe it or not..... 5'2" women! I know it will come off as shallow or superficial....but I don't even care anymore.  Especially when you are sizing ME up like a used car.  Like you are actually going to find a used Lexus with every option available with only 10K miles for a measly $2K.  Go ahead and kick my tires bro, just don't be surprised when you go to turn me on and my battery is dead! 

Yet again, I have to look in the mirror and evaluate that "black widow" status.  Fuck! I hate when people call me out on something I don't like, and after careful observation it just might be true.  But in my deffense on yet another man whose blood I appear to have sucked on....this guy was BIG.  And all I hear about is how 'women' lie about thier weight and show up to a first meeting a hundred pounds bigger than expected.  Well, guys do it too....and I feel sorry for all of us 'honest' 'open' 'forthecoming' people who have to find a way to tactfully wiggle our ways out of it.  I just can't wait to hear all my girlfriends say "I told you so".....bitches!  I'm never going to be able to live this whole thing down.  Anyone have a good rock I can crawl under?

Then there is this 27yo that I have been chatting with from OKCupid and all he has on his mind is sex.  sex, Sex, SEX.  Gotta cut the line on this little fishy too, even though he is cute....because if he asks me one more fucking question about my body, I'm going to blow my own fucking brains out. On what planet do horny little boys (yes I'm calling all you immature 20somethings BOYS) think that a mature woman, cougar on the hunt or not, wants to be asked every lewd question there is to be asked about her body?  I'm about to just post my stats on my profile, so I don't ever have to be asked those questions again.....

SWF seeks NORMAL ..SWM,  5'2" blonde hair, size 16 (for real) smoldering blue eyes, 42-32-49.  I shave daily....every where a man would hope that a woman would, my nipples get hard when I'm cold, my ass is fucking fantasic in my thong, I sleep in the nude, occasionally masterbate, and yes...I want to have mind blowing sex....sometimes even on the first date.  Fuck it....there!  I said it...so don't fucking ask! 

Seriously, if these are my options, I'm just going to go get drunk and fuck the next good looking thing to hit on me at the bar,  because none of these men have been worth it....and I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that I can and will do better than this in person.  Time to get out of the house and go talk to that hot single butcher at the grocery store that flirted with me.

ARGGGG

~S~

Crap, crap, Crapicorns! Man #16

Why oh Why are Capricorns drawn to me…and why the fuck am I drawn to them?  Seriously?  Man #16 is of course a Cappy.  Didn’t I just swear off of them forever?  WTF is wrong with me?  I am very cautious about this union.  So I encouraged a meeting VERY quickly, possibly tomorrow, two days after introduction.  No need to waste my time on yet another Cappy, that will go NOwhere, if that is to be the case, lets find out right NOW!  So far though, he is quite the charmer.  We hit it off intellectually/conversationally like Josh and I do, very different than man #8 the other cappy, who was more pragmatic and “know it all” than Man#16 and Josh.  But again, I’m reserved until we meet.  With my fickleness, his bad boy looks…..OH Ya!...here’s another thing.  I clearly am attracted to bad boy looks….tats, bald heads n such…..this one has a nose ring…..

Not sure if this is just a phase….part of the whole “rebound man” syndrome, or if this is part of a deep inner self destructive way to find men that I may not “fall” for to spare my itty bitty heart from serious destruction, or if it is subconscious about the probability of them not caring about the big “H”, or what?  BTW, he’s cool with the big “H” thing.  Lot’s of introspection will be needed for this one…and I also think it is a “time will only tell” situation.  Dunno…..time will tell.

~S~

Online Date: Man: #9 #10 #11 #12 #13 #15

As you can imagine by the lumping of all them into one post, there is very little to say about each of them.  Man #9 I really enjoyed his company, but there was NO physical attraction on my part.  He was nothing like his picture, but personality….I could totally be great friends with him.  This is not what either of us is looking for, so the one date was it.  Man #10 was a freaky sex addict….NEXT!  #11 is still a potential for a sex only FWB, but it’s already boring the hell out of me and it’s not what I’m looking for….but he sure is HOT!!!  Man #12 was one to be of friendship only, but he was still a flake.  We have a lot in common, live in the same very small town and it would have been nice to have a “friend” but he never showed.  Man #13 is still kind of pending, a young Italian guy, very persistent, makes me wonder.  However my schedule was hectic last week and we haven’t talked much.  Man#14 was very assertive and lightening fast to ask for my number, very fast to want to chat, then “bad day” then flake-o-rama. Man #15 is sweet and we have an ongoing pen pal situation.  He’s attractive and interesting, but not sure if this one is ever going to get off the ground.  So….7 weeks of online dating, I am about to take a break from it.  I’m pretty sure it’s not the way for me to go.  I’m too fickle, get bored quickly, and really just need to be around people.  But it has been a good way for me to dip my feet back into the ‘dating’ pool.  Rather than just jump in head first at some nightclub.

But there still may be hope, in whatever capacity it may be, for Men #11, #13,  and #15.  but now, there is man #16....oh CRAP!

~S~

Sex, Love and Astrology for this Libra Woman

"Justice is female because she IS the Goddess.  She is all and everything, and Her law, that of nature, cannot be broken and must be obeyed by every living creature.  She is the restorer and the maintainer of order and harmony.  She is Wisdom, She is Karma, She is Love....And Libra is Her sign."
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I'm about as perfect an example of a Libra woman if ever there was one.  I'm as good a judge as any, as I know many Libra women.  While all of us are alive with the basic traits....strong sense of fairness, difficulty making decisions, social butterflies, supurb conversationalists, stong sense of justice...yada yada....I seem to be the one who shines the brightest as an embodyment of ALL the Libra traits.  Honestly, they should just put my picture next to the definition.  I've been thinking hard about astrology and the men I have made contact with in my life.  So I want to keep track of how I get along with different signs, and how well the men I meet or know, compare to thier astrological signs definintion, and how we fare against the prediction of a coupling.

As I write or tinker with my POF online profile....I have noticed a trend.  Different aspects of my profile seem to attract men from differing signs.  It seems like when I make a change toward one direction, all of a sudden Libra's are checkin me out. Make another change in another direction and I get a bunch of hits from Scorpio's....lather rinse repeat....cancers hit me up.  You get the idea.   Lately....it's the capricorn man.  I have to say with all honesty, I believe in this stuff, as my experiences lately are proving it to be nothing short of hard cold facts.

Such as, the proposition that a Libra woman-Capricorn man coupling, is nothing short of disasterous.  I have to say that I whole heartedly agree.  I'm quite literally thinking of not wasting my time even chatting with a another cappy man ever again, no matter how fucking fine he may be.  They drive me insane.  I don't think there is a sign out there that can screw up a libra womans balance better than a cappy man.  They perfectly set me up on a high that I love being on, then they knock me off balance so hard, my head is spining and I'm stunned trying to figure out what the fuck just happened.  I am able to be good freinds with them, and can handle thier "tell it like it is" persona on that "friend" level.  But the second there is a romantic thought in my head, my emotions cannot handle the sting of thier tongue.  They feel a great sense of entitlement to tell you how and where you are wrong, and how you could "do it better".  They also have the weirdest quirks in the sex department.  They are VERY guarded with thier emotions and they are very good at ACTING like they are open about everything.  But the truth is, they can barely kiss without getting thier feelings hurt.  They can fuck like rabbits, but they do it like Julia Roberts in "pretty woman"..no kissing on the lips, as that is too "personal".  So I think I am totally and completely done with Cappy's no matter how intruiging they are in the beginning.

Another sign that I am thinking will not be a good pairing is the Virgo man.  Also known far and wide as a critical being and his name was "my husband" for many years.  Unfortunately, so is man #11 a Virgo, so trust me, my eyes are wide open.  But since this is strickly a FWB sexual relationship, I think we are gonna be ok in that department.  I already know, conversationaly we are not exactly Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers....But I think if we just focus on the "benifits"...there will be little to worry about.

Soooo, I am looking into the signs that I am suppose to be the most compatible with.  And they are, in this order: Gemini (this would be my owen, who quite literally could be my soul mate....just not available to me) Aquarius (the guy I got along great with over coffee a week ago but wasn't physically attracted to) Sagittarius and Leo.   But Man#7 was a Gemini too.....so...I'm definately going to be keeping track.

The ones that come in a close second, and could, maybe, be a good fit....would be....Libra and Taurus.

Now the ones that there is supose to be serious hard core attraction but not sustainable as a relationship are Pisces, Scorpio and Aries....  And least likely to make a match, unless it is a match striking a wild fire..... would be of course...the Cappy and the Virgo and Cancer.

In the end, this all could be a total load of crap, with no rhym or reason.  That is why I intend to get to the bottom of this.
~S~

I'm a "Man Eater" ??

That's right, I was accused of being a "man eater".....lil 'ole harmless me.  Why? You ask.  Because I had the audacity to sleep with 2 whole men, in the 'love 'em and leave 'em" fashion that men are so accustom to torturing us women with on a daily basis.  But I thought long and hard about the accusation, wondering if there may infact be some truth to it.  So I decided to check my stats and share.  I'll let y'all be the judge.  Keep in mind I have only been single for 9 weeks.  Well actually 4.5 months, but only free to do as I please for 9 weeks.  And because I am pretty much living in the moment, not the past, and barely the near future....I tend to forget how much of what I have done, has added up to.

Since I joined POF, (plenty of fish)  8-19-12.  (The following stats are POF only, not Tagged) Since then, I have made first contact to roughly 100 men.  Less than 10% replied.  Men have made first contact with me roughly 30 times. I have had conversations with 42 men in 6 weeks.  Many of them complete pervs, or men I am just flat out not attracted to.  Another good chunk of them, the conversation just goes no where, and either I or they stop messaging out of sheer boredom.  I have been asked out on real live dates by 5 men.  2 stood me up, 1 I was not attracted to, 1 the date in question was too far off and I forgot about him and kind of blew him off since he did not keep contact with me, and the 4th is man #8.  I have been asked out for a quick meet-n-greet by 4 men, and I have invited 1 to meet me.  2 are pending for next week, 1 flaked and bailed before the meet when the conversation turned sexual and his mind could not be swayed otherwise, and one just asked me today so we are working out details now.  And then there is Man #11.  Catagory: sexual only, hook up only, he'd better blow my mind!  Have to wait to meet him as I have plans this weekend for my birthday.  We are planning on hooking up next weekend. 

So I made a list....of all the men I have either met in person, or at least scheduled a meeting regardless of outcome, and the ones I have pending.  I was a little shocked at the results...14 and counting.  Crap, that sounds like alot for a 9 week period.  If you were to have asked me, the number in my mind was more like 8.  I have heard from other women that it has taken them months to get ONE meeting out of POF.  I'm not so sure I can catagorize myself as a "man-eater", but I think I am going to have to accept the fact that I am deffinately a "player"...probably a high stakes one as well.  Hmmmm Cyber Slut-O-Rama for sure, if you count the hundreds of men I have talked to online on tagged over the last 6 months. But none of those, ok well a few of them, did I ever have intentions of meeting...it was just a "sexy friend" flirting kind of thing.  So now that I am on POF, I can say, this is NOT my first internet rodeo, but my intentions have changed since I slowed my playing on tagged.  I would realy like to meet someone steady, with sex on the side.....someone whom I truly enjoy his company.  But I'm so sure I'm ready for that.  We shall see.  I'm just learning as I go.  Learning about men, myself, and dating.  And god I need to get laid soon. Laid GOOD.
~S~

What this woman thinks about during sex.

So I was reading David Wygant's blog for woman (you should really check it out) and he posed a thought and a question.  He laid his cards on the table for what he is thinking of during sex....and then asked what we woman are thinking.  The call to action was far too strong to resist and away my fingers went a typing.  When done, I figured my reply was worthy of pasting here.....so without further adieu....here is what I am thinking when it comes to sex....

Well it seams no one else is brave enough to speak up, so I will.  What do I think about during sex?…omg…a million things.  When I was with my husband (20ys), things were not very good, so my primary thought was usually….”god I wish his ego could handle me telling him this sucks.”…..“Please let it stay hard long enough”……“oh, that again?  yawn” and “Please, oh god, please hurry up”…I think that explains my marriage.  So yes, I have had sex to shut him up.  To shut up his incessant whining about not getting enough, despite the fact I am covered in baby shit.

But now that I am single, I find many other things going thru my mind.  I’m a woman, so of course there is always a self conscious thought or two zipping thru my brain.  Like…”what does that face mean?”….”omg he thinks I’m fat” or “I hope he is enjoying this and I’m not the worst he’s ever had”  But usually I am just thinking things like….”oh god I hope he is brave enough to take me like an animal, yet kind enough to not to take it too far”.

I always want to be a bit nastier than I want to be perceived and hope that my little clues are picked up on and he is man enough to take me where I secretly want to go, yet letting him be the man by not telling him.  Sometimes I want Conan to drag me by my hair and toss me around, and other times I want to be caressed like an angel….and sometimes there is only a few seconds between those two desires.  If only men COULD read my mind.

I often, too often unfortunately, have to wish that men’s ego’s, ie: hard ons, could handle a wee bit of instruction or guiding.  I guess my fear is that if I speak my desires or discomfort, that his ego will think that I think he’s not good enough, big enough, thick enough or man enough….(what ever men’s neurosis’ are) and that it will end quicker than it started.

Sometimes I just want to get it on like donkey kong, and I don’t care if it’s a first date. Other times I hold back because I really don’t want to be treated like a woman who ‘can/will’ sleep with someone on the first date.  So many men totally blow getting lucky because they treat me like I’m a sex object, when I am not acting like one.  And I could have been that very thing for them, IF they had just treated me with respect and passion.  Instead they turn me off and get booted out the door before they even knew what hit them in the ass. 

Some men, but only a few, have the charisma and respect for me….. to take me right where I am DYING to go.  Granted, now we are not really talking about forming relationships here….but even when we are….I am always DYING to have a real man take me “there”.  I don’t mind being conquered when done with respect...but often I am the aggressor and I like that too.  I like when a man plays a little hard to get….but teasing and goading me into taking HIM where HE wants to go. 

I also love it when I can get him to think….that HE caused his idea to become my idea….so he can walk away feeling like he is so masculine and sexy that he caused a real “good girl” to go real, REAL bad.  That is probably one of my favorites because I think it is obvious just how much I love the yin and yang of seduction.  Nothing turns me on more than the tension of desire during that dance.  So I hate it when men fuck it up by being so damn direct.  I’m screaming in my head…”shut the fuck up and tease me you jack ass…and the world will be your oyster”. 

But mostly, my hope, desire and thought, is to share myself fully, heart-soul-body and experience what my man has to share with me, be it for one night or a lifetime.  Thinking about how good I can make him feel.  Feel about me, what we are doing and feel about him self.  And If I can get him to say out loud….”oh my fucking GOD”, as if he has died and gone to heaven…..I feel like I’ve won the Olympics and I can fly and let loose even more.  I’m always hoping he will be vocal with his pleasure, because it fuels my bravado and I get REALLY into it.  And then all I am thinking is “yes, Yes….YES”

I love to tease my man, and do little things to make myself irresistible, so Conan has NO choice but to drag me back to his cave and blow my fucking mind! 

~S~

Dating in the Dark: Man #8

I don’t know why or how exactly, but the universe has brought me this man for a reason.  I don’t know if he is to be the love of my life, or the lesson of a lifetime.  I am feeling things I have never felt before, a feeling of safety and openness.  I’m terrified, yet somehow not afraid.  He can see right into me and can see thru all my bullshit.  He can see where I try to redirect him away from my feelings.  No one else can do that.  No one knows how I feel unless I want them to know.  But he can.  He knew I was hiding something.  He knew there was a road block holding me back, causing me to self sabotage.  Causing me to run away before I had to face some dark demon.  We talked for hours before I myself discovered it, before I myself put two and two together. Cliff hanger here, as I will get to this demon in a minute.

He is completely content to be able to wait to meet me in person.  He believes I am the one he has been searching for, and that there is no need to rush fate. I however, fear that when we meet in person that there will be no chemistry or god forbid he doesn’t look like his pics or has horrible breath or god only knows one of my lame little reasons for not connecting with someone.  I have such fickle taste…..but….. Is it due to this demon or should I give up on Online dating sites because I’m too fickle in person once we meet?  Who knows, but I think the demon might have something to do with it, on a very deep-seated subconscious level.  I’m thinking, that it is easier to find some superficial fault in a man, because he is not perfect; to avoid the pain of confessing this demon, than to have someone bail on me.  I guess I feel that the guy must be REALLY worth it, really perfect, to risk that kind of rejection.  Now, I have never had to confess this to anyone, even myself.  Like I said, my feelings are in the vault and I don’t give ANYone the combination.  But this man has picked the lock.  He kept trying to figure out what it was I was afraid of, helping me to figure it out and thus, when I figured it out, I felt compelled to just tell him. 

The perfect moment was upon me, I started to cry, he was patient and kind as I struggled to find the words.  Struggled for the courage to spit it out.  I whispered thru the tears….“I understand if you never want to talk to me again after I say this”  he reassured me tenderly “just tell me, I can handle it” …lots of attempted starts n stops and then I blurted “I have herpes” with the drama befitting a 16^th century play…and with that I felt as though I had thrown myself on the dagger.  Hurled myself into the sea without a life jacket.  Put the barrel in my mouth and pulled the trigger.  As I floundered, writhing in the absolute conviction of my impending doom, he touched me (figuratively) and relieved my self inflicted misery….”Oh Honey, so do I”……batting my eyelashes thru my tears ”what?….you do?”

I swear, the clouds parted, trumpets played, and angels started singing.  The biggest weight in the world had been lifted off my shoulders. And the serenity that washed over me was surreal.  This damn little incurable disease, had caused me to believe for 20ys that no one else on the planet would want me after my husband, no good man anyways, and that is one of the main reasons I stayed with him for 20ys.  My sole purpose for dating right now was to heal myself.  To learn and grow thru the experiences, good and bad, of each man I encounter.  Be it online, or in person.  The second this weight was lifted, I felt so light, like was literally floating above my bed.  He knew it, I didn’t have to speak this aloud, though he listened intently when I did.  So, after some deliberation in my head.  I have decided to wait to meet him.  To trust myself to freefall and still be OK, no matter what happens.

It reminds me of that reality dating show on tv. “dating in the dark”, where they put singles together in pitch blackness, and after a while of talking…or what ever else they end up doing, they each get to see the other from behind a one way mirror….then…they have a  predetermined meeting time on the balcony.  If both show up, great, they go from there.  But I often thought how sad, that some couples seemed to really like each other (in the dark that is), but one of them gets stood up on the balcony in the end.  While an awesome social experiment and interesting to watch, I often wondered what the results might be, if these couples who got along….got to do it for more than a half hour.  What if they dated in the dark for say two weeks.  An hour or so each day.  Possibly even wear ski masks and go outside on real dates, so this attraction to the mind is allowed to grow.  Would the results be different?  But here "I" am, picture in hand, voice in ear….we get along, I think he is cute…..and yet I am afraid to come out of the dark, into the light, see him for who he really is, and discover if I will meet him on the balcony.

For now all I know, is that I am waiting to meet him.  I’m going to follow his lead rather than try to control this thing.  Experience him, and what HE has to offer ME.  If what I have been doing all these years hasn’t worked, why the hell am I so afraid to let go, freefall, and try a different way?

So here I am world, Jumping and trusting I can fly.

~S~

Am I just setting myself up for disapointment again? Man #8

So do ya'll remember man #3...the one I really liked?  The one who was hilarious and sweet.  Respectful with just the right twinge of badboy.  The one, we texted all week up to the morning of the scheduled date.  The one who cancelled the morning of the date and then NEVER contacted me again.  Well, I REALLY liked him, and it was very disapointing to have that happen.  For God sakes I went to go buy a dress...a DRESS I tell you.... for this date....ME....the non dress wearing gal.

Well, here we go again.  I met another man on POF that I really like, we'll call him man #8.  Sunday, after playfully texting all day, we talked on the phone for an hour and half.  Based on his pics and the phone conversation, I could really see myself being attracted to him.....BIG TIME.  Our schedules for the next couple weeks will not allow us to have a first meeting for a while, which could have been to his detriment, as I get bored quickly waiting around.  He is a Capricorn to my Libra, basically doomed to fail if one pays attention to the atrological signs. Capricorns are extreemly patient and take thier time, they are the epitome of an earth sign, grounded and stubborn.  Libra's, the epitome of the air signs, can move like the wind if not harnessed quickly.  The way I have been approaching my new single life, I had to tell him...If you want to catch this fish, don't dick around with baiting your hook too long.....I just might swim away. 

For all I know, this will go no where in the end, so why put my single life on hold to just be stood up, right?  Not saying that I think he would do that....but I never in a million years would have dreamed (the way it was going) that man #3 would have done it.  I'm still completely baffled as to what happened there.  Christian Carter mentioned in one of his programs that the 'reason' a guy didn't call doesn't matter...all we as women need to pay attention to, is the FACT that he DIDN"T call.  Actions speak louder than words, if he doesn't call, he's just not interested....the WHY is not important.  So, I try not to let the mystery make my mind spin out of control.  Besides, #3 was a Libra too....we are fickle little things.

Anyways, back to #8. We talked on the phone again last night for over 2 hours, and now I am hooked.  CRAP!!!  I started to get feelings.  Now I'm not talking about emotional feelings here, I'm talking about physical feelings.  Tingly feelings.  The kind I havn't felt for some time now.  So it is quite a compliment to any man, if he can cause those feelings.....and we weren't talking sexy to each other either.  Just normal conversation and SHAZAM.....what the fuck just happened??  Seriously? I am TOAST.  If this guy does THAT to me, and we havn't even been naughty.....I am dead meat for when we do.  I'm sitting here, trying to be patient, trying to be good.....but I just can't wait 3 or more weeks to meet him.  I can't.  I'm going to have to figure this damn thing out on how to get our schedules together quicker than that.  He may be a patient person, extremely patient in fact......I however am NOT.  I need to know soon if we have this same chemistry in person before I free fall and the disapointment is too much to bear.  "Hope", is a good thing, but it's not something I can survive on for long.  I need to know for certain before I get myself too invested in this. Despite my best efforts not to be, I am already more invested in this guy than I want to be.  CRAP

I couldn't help it.  We seem so compatible, never ran out of things to talk about, I was at ease to be myself and not be judged....and he felt the same way.  At one point he said to me, "I don't know if you can tell, but I'm really into you" and also "I'm forcing myself to patient, I don't want to scare you away"  really?  REALLY??  when I really like someone, i don't scare that easily, bring it on "mountain man".....take me away.

Time to let man #7 'catfish man" down gently after that aweful date....as it is definately NOT in the cards for him....
~S~

Dating Profile Review: the Freaks come out on Sunday

New profile preliminary results

OK….so I looked over my emails, I save the ones of the men who clicked that they wanted to meet me, and here is what I noticed.  Keep in mind that my main profile pic has not changed, but the mini blurb half paragraph that shows up beneath it has.  I updated my profile yesterday, and in the last 24 hours 11 men have clicked “yes” to me.  Compared to the fact that it took the last 2 weeks to garner the same results.  Now this data is excluding men who just flat out messaged me, skipping that step.  So, I’m going to have to say that the preliminary results are good and I’m on to something.  With each experimental profile, it gets better and better.  Now I've also had a few more men actually message me.  

One of which is a little promising.  He's good looking, some one I definitely can see my self being attracted to, (first meeting surprises withstanding) and I don't think he's sooo pretty that he's out of my league.  Rather I think we are on an even playing field on that one.  We're suppose to talk on the phone this evening, so we'll see how that goes.  He's in the "sweet spot"  the perfect blend of "nice guy" meets "bad boy".  He's a bit of a flirt, but in a classy way and he has a good sense of humor.  Fingers crossed on this one.

Now, on to the freaks.  Sunday morning must be when all the good guys are at church or something, leaving all the pervs and weirdo's to run amuck on POF.  I've had 5 'meet me's" in the last couple hours alone, and 4 guys message me.  One for sex, one for a blow job, (those were some super hot cuties though) And two weirdo's one i had to block.  So while this new profile begets me the freaks again, I am getting more men I might be attracted to as well as the "nice guys" that I am not.  And let me clarify, it's not the nice guy personality i'm not attracted to, it's a physical thing that these particular 'nice guys' brought with them.

One i just told him that I am starting a relationship.  who's gonna argue with that?  He wished me luck and away he went, no hurt feelings.  I can live with that.

Anyways, I may need to tweak my profile to try to get the weirdo's to go leave me alone.  The last profile just about put a stop to that!  Need to now find a way to blend the two.

I'm not looking for a serious relationship, But I'm not looking for one night stands either.  I hope to find a guy that I enjoy his company, we hang out once or twice a week, have some great sex....and maybe down the road see where it goes.

Is that too much to ask?

~S~

Online date: Man #7...tips for all you "nice" guys

The good, the bad and the ugly.

The good...he was better looking in person and was really sweet.  My birthday is in a couple weeks, he took me out to a nice dinner, gave me a cute birthday card and we had good conversation. Then we went to a dive bar and played pool.  We are both relatively newly single after 20 yr marriages.

The bad......I just was not attracted to him in a romantic way.  Friends...yes....Lovers....um....NO.  I know he was to me, which I suspected before I ever got there based on our messages.  And it was confirmed moments after getting to the bar.

The Ugly.........Now here's the kicker, and quite honestly I was shocked at what I discovered as I tried to be there as an observer of the experience.  To really be outside myself and pay attention to things I said, things he said...Look for smaller signs of attraction to him as I already knew he wasn't exactly my type.  I was trying Marie Forleo's idea of tossing out my predetermined check list of my 'perfect' man that I'm attracted to. Problem is...I think I got too far away from that list.  Waaaay too far. Being that 'online' you can't see personality, I kind of really agree with giving someone a chance on not letting photo's totally discqualify a guy, but only to an extent. Last night confirmed it though...I'm just gonna have to trust my gut from now on.  But as we were sitting at dinner, I did see little sparkles in him that I thought, maybe....just maybe there could be an attraction....If....IF...all the stars lined up and his personality and actions were played right....(this would be where you hear that sound of a record needle being lifted abruptly from a spinning album...the vinyl ones that is....."eeert"...I believe it goes)

I got to see a not so pretty side of his personality when our food was delivered....and it just kept leaking out as the night went on.  They brought him the wrong cut of meat.  He inquired, nothing wrong with that, even on a first date I wouldn't expect someone to eat something they didn't exactly order....BUT....it was the way he went about it. The waitress offered immediately to rectify it and he declined.  So from that point on, I say "suck it up, you could have had what you wanted"  Then the waitress got busy and forgot my water...no big..I wasn't complaining....But he did.  He started to get this negative vibe about him as far as the service goes.  It was a red flag, so my eyes and ears were open from that point on to discover more of them.  Basically he feels it's his duty to point out to people their wrong doing.  As if he takes things a little too personally.  He told a little story about holding the door open for a woman once (probably many times) and how he told her how rude she was that she didn't say thank you, and another story about a first meeting from online....and telling a woman that she was much bigger than her pics...in fact...I believe he used the words "you're a BIG woman" then proceeded to tell her how she SHOULD have written her profile.  And other little snippets like that kept coming up.  It wreaks of my EX-husbands behavior.  To be critical and voice this criticism when ever anyone doesn't act or behave as he expected them to, and be compelled to tell others of their wrong doing, as if they them selves are the social police.  I am not a critical person, and I do not choose to spend my time around someone who is. Unlike my husband though, he was outgoing and genuinely nice to the staff.  But I think if we had been better acquainted, he would have voiced his displeasure to them instead of me, just like a few of the stories he shared.  It was just a big turn off.  But since I am embracing Marie's ideas, I just decided to enjoy him  for him, as a friend and let the experience unfold as it may.  After all, he wasn't treating ME that way. However, that was strike #1.

Then we go to the bar.  He had broken the touch barrier in the car, touching my hand a time or two, so two seconds after I sat on the bar stool, he put his hand on my upper back, snuggled up close and rubbed my back.....they way a boyfriend or husband does in a relationship. Now mind you I gave no positive physical or conversational response to this.  Yet it continued....I guess no response equals "please do this more". Something I need to remember for future unwanted physical touch....I need to actually object in some form if I don't want it to continue.  We played darts, and he was making little touches here and there, even though they he was not getting positive feedback, I was not reciprocating, he brought me a drink and moved in for a kiss on the lips.  Again, a sweet peck like a boyfriend would do in a committed relationship. It was just too  much, no matter what a man looks like.  For god sakes this is my very first, first date....real date anyways.  Not my meet ups at a bar. Let's not skip the passion and move straight to married like bahavior.  Strike #2.

At this point my third drink was taking hold, I was not drunk, but I definitely had a good and sturdy buzz going on.  I forgot to turn the notifications on my phone to my POF account off and I started getting alerts buzzing on my phone, which was facing up on the table at the time. I don't know if this had anything to do with what happened shortly there after as he picked up my phone and said, "wow, you get alerts on your phone?".  Inside I'm thinking "holy crap" but I was kinda trying to repel him a little anyways by this time, so not too many worries.  I bummed a couple cigarettes (quitting not going great at this point)  no effect on his attraction level...though he did try to gently discourage me.  Anyways, I think the realization that he had himself quite a bit of competition, set him in a mode that he probably didn't intend to go into.  As I am definitely outside of his league, the degree to which I am not a good judge of, but I know I am out of it for sure. So he got started on a rant about his ex wife, which his tone got quite heated.  I think in a weird way, he thought this would impress me, in a convincing kind of way....like trying to convince me he is a good mate.  Like telling her that a hundred other woman would be thrilled to have a guy like him.  That he's attentive, hard working, affectionate, romantic etc and how she couldn't see that, but other women do.  Then he even stammered this "ya I might be an asshole once in a while, but....yada yada yada".  Luckily it was getting late and I used that as an excuse to get the hell out of there.  He took me back to my car.  Still nice to me. And looking for a good night kiss, I panicked a bit, and started to give a fore warning of my rejection.  I just don't have the heart to look at a nice guy and say.  "thanks for a great evening, but don't call me again, I just don't think we're a match"....instead I said something like "just so you know, I'm not sure what I'm doing, not looking for anything serious, I listen to my inner gut feelings, not my head...etc"  On a social level, I know these were not..."come over and plant a big wet one on me, I can't wait to rip your clothes off".  But he said he'd like to see me again and in my reply I said "ya, ok, i might like to do that".  it dragged on too long, and he was able to get two more pecks in on my lips....despite me turning away and aiming for the cheek.  I have to find a way to let him down, in the clearness of the morning light...I know I'm definitely not attracted to him, and not even sure he's worth a "friends" status.  There's just too many fish in the sea, to waste my time on a catfish.

So to all you "nice guys"...there's some good tips in there for ya, as to what NOT to do.  ;)  As I was yearning for a bad boy before the night was over.  Someone to make me really sparkle and light my fire inside.

~S~

His smell followed me home....UCK

After a drama filled evening with my friends, their drama not mine, I sat in my little court trying to back my horse trailer thru my gate in the dark.  Normally something I can do with my eyes closed, but there I sat shimmying side to side watching the gate post dance around laughing at me.  20 minutes of frustration and screaming with the windows up, finally I said "fuck it" and pulled in straight.  I quit smoking 3 days ago, and was grateful my ex left a single stale cigarette in the dash.  I lit it up and suckled on the devils air and felt much better.  But I knew  one stale cigarette was not going to ease this pms fest and thus headed to town for some drive thru and a stiff drink.

At burger king, there was a man sitting outside whom looked vaguely familiar.  I ordered my food, and feeling the need for another cigarette, so I sat with him and his friend.  I noticed his car which alerted me to exactly who he was.  The man whom I had half a fling with 3 yrs ago right after I caught my husband cheating.  I say half an affair as we never actually consummated the whole thing.  But damn can he kiss and suck a mean nipple! After some small talk, he says to me...."yes you know me".  I'd rather hoped he didn't recognize me, but apparently he did.  So we bantered about the things we remembered, kids, jobs....yada yada.  I mentioned that I was going to the range (the local watering hole) and he said that he was too.  Now I'm no stuck up bitch, nor do I think I'm better than anyone else....however...it does not....NOT...mean I want to date a loser.  No matter what setbacks a person goes thru in life is none of my concern, I wish them well and do not judge them if the fail to overcome them....However...I'm no meal ticket, sugar moma or dumb blonde.  I don't pay a mans way.  I don't mind paying my own way, but I'm not paying yours too.

When I finished eating, I got his number (he asked) and I left for the bar.  Where I came across a friend I made there a month or so ago.  It was his birthday and he was uber glad to see me.  I like him, he's cute, not exactly my type but ya never know, right?  So we drank and as always I made a ton of friends and had a few lurkers gazing upon my tailgate.  Which is quite "juicy" the men tell me.  We drank and talked and laughed and somewhere between drinks one and two, I mentioned matter of factly my need to get laid.  It was not a call to action, but again....hey....ya never know who might rock my drunken ass one of these days.   We got a good laugh out of it and then....his dancing, smiling eyes turned predator.  OOOPS...I unleashed the beast.  I guess in a small way, I subconsciously do this on purpose, even though I am fickle and quite picky in regards to men, so that I may know whom I can and can't turn on, and then choose from the results I get.  He figured since I had a hot date the next night, that I'd be giving it out then, why not he try to get some tonight.  He was cute about it, teasing me for the next hour or so.  When I left, I got a lingering peck on the lips.  I got a few tingles, and thought....hmmm....maybe I 'could' do this guy.

I walked out the door and was followed by another man, whom I was honestly more attracted to.  We'll call him "security man" as he was wearing a shirt that said "security" and for all I know he was the bouncer....but since I don't think they do have one.....I'll assume it was just a funny tee. This is where David Wygant is right on the money about men saying STUPID things to hit on woman.  I had seen this guy checking  me out, but I did NOT follow David's advice and give him encouragement.  Totally fucked it up.  I wasn't sure if he was really checking me out, or if I was in a drunken stupor imagining things. So, as any woman does late at night in a dark parking lot alone hearing footsteps behind her....I looked over my shoulder and paused for a half second to see who it was and if I was in danger. Which he took the opportunity to say, and I drunken quote....
"hey don't leave early, stay, maybe you can take home one of these young guys with ya later"

Now, I can't read morse code, and I can't read brail either, but if I take this guy at what he said, he wasn't quite talking about himself.  I said something witty, though I can't recall what, but I did pause long enough for him to get his shit together and offer himself up, if that was his desire.  I gave him a whole 30 seconds of my time to indicate interest.  He failed....I bailed.  Word to the single men out there....some women only give you 30 seconds, if YOU are interested and she's only half walking away....speak up fast cuz she paused...for YOU...because had I not been interested, he wouldn't have even gotten the 30 seconds.  Take a chance and just blurt it out....especially at a bar...for god sakes, we're all drunk and likely not to remember your dumb blunder in the morning.  Or at least be more forgiving of it as we analyze our own inappropriate behavior and if we ourselves looked like a Jack Ass. Now as for myself, I totally blew a real live opportunity to practice giving a man encouragement.  Damnit and my own self doubt!

I get home and the texts start rolling in from birthday boy.  About as 'hook up' talk only as it can get. I declined...politely as not to ruin my chances of an ace in the hole in the future.  He's local cute and aside from this evening, usually smells good.  So it was easy to decline this evening as I could still smell his BO on me as I lay there in bed.....UCK!
~S~