"I need you"

"I need you".........The three hardest words to say.  Harder to say than "I want you"....for sure harder than "I hate you"....Even harder than saying "I love you".

Saying "I need you" leaves you naked, exposed and vulnerable in a way no other admission can.  Vulnerable to have your soul ripped into shreds.  Vulnerable to being abused and taken advantage of.  Saying "I need you" can bring you to your knees, leaving you at the mercy of another's merciless soul.  Exposing your heart to the greatest pain and self doubt ever known.  Words that don't need to be said, in order to be felt by another.  A plea not needing utterance to be twisted into another's advantage over you.  The essence of your being, shackled to your cries of weakness.  Desperate to avoid tyranny and oppression, hoping for tenderness and benevolence.

There is no feeling I hate more than needing someone.  I hate how the second they know I need them, they feel it gives them free licence to tear me down.  Like I am no longer worthy of common decency and respect.  A free for all of mayhem and destruction.  What ever it takes to reduce me to the smallest resemblance of humanity.....and why?.....Because I am in need...that's why.  THAT is my crime....needing YOU.  I swear...I am going to do my damndest to get out of my current situation as quickly as possible because I do not ever....and I do mean EVER....want to NEED anyone ever again.  I love to feel needed, but I don't twist someone elses need of ME into some form of sadistic strong hold over them.  But here I sit, the victim of my own choices and decisions, forcing me to need, forcing me to be at someone elses mercy.....I will swallow this pill for now, as I suppose I deserve some of it.  I will take it like a woman, though I will hate every second of it.
~S~