Dating with Herpes

If you have herpes yourself, I don't need to tell  you the challenges you face...you surely already know.  Unless of course you just found out you have it, your scared out of your mind and now you did a google search wondering if your dating life as you knew it just ended.  I can't say that I have all the answers or am some expert as I am new to "dating" with herpes....."knowing" I have herpes.  I'm 43 years old and just ended a 20 year marriage.  I got herpes from a boyfriend when I was 19yrs old.  I was stupid and didn't know how to "talk" about it.  I thing for most of us STD's are a difficult thing to talk about.  Many people have unprotected sex, and a lot of it....even with AIDS out there.  No, herpes isn't going to kill you, but sometimes it feels like a death sentence.  The death of a singles sex life it is.

Back in the day before I got married, I dated and had unprotected sex a number of times.  I didn't know I had herpes.  I had been to the doctor a number of times as well, and every time it was misdiagnosed as Chlamydia.  Each time I endured a round of anti-biotics...as well as the man I was dating at the time.  Always an embarrassing thing to have to tell him...  "Hey, I know we just met, but I gave you something, take these pills and by the way...I like you".   God how I long for those days, when a simple pill was all I thought I was sharing.  My guess is that I gave herpes to at least 4 men, including my ex husband.  It was after he got it that we actually got it diagnosed correctly, and at that point we were at least engaged if not married already.

We lived with it together for 20 years and it is one of the major reasons I stayed in a VERY bad marriage.  I honestly felt like no other man alive would ever want me....for all time.  Didn't help that when we would fight, that is in fact what he would tell me, and I would spend years and years and years believing him.  It didn't help that the first time he cheated and I went to return the favor, the one guy I liked....didn't want herpes and rejected me....and that solidified the belief, thus I stayed another 4 years before I finally had the courage to leave him.   That was almost 4 months ago.

Now that I am single again, and VERY horny, ALL THE TIME, it is again something I have to live with.  I love sex without condoms, as do most people, and I have no intention of lying about the fact that I have herpes.  But the sad thing is that probably a third of people who have herpes, don't even know it.....thus never having to have the talk.  Out of the rest of us, probably at least a third lie about it.  So basically that means that half the people with herpes will not be telling you they have it, and never face the impending rejection....based on herpes alone of course.  The other half of us are honest and thus risk rejection around every corner.  Having said that, it is not complete doom and gloom.  There are plenty of people, men and woman....who not only don't mind sex with a person with herpes, but also are willing to knowingly take the risk of contracting it by NOT wearing a condom.  The tough thing.....it is not written on anyone's face.

All of this is far from the end of a fun, single, looking for a good time, string of one night stands.  The risk to ones ego and emotions are minimal as once rejected, trust me...another possibility for indiscretion is waiting behind the next bar stool, never a need to worry.  BUT, if one is looking for more.  Looking for love.  Looking for emotional bonding....well then that is another story.  Another heartache all together.  I have found that as soon as I like a guy, really like a guy, I freak out.  Finally there is a potential for happiness, not just the potential for a good time.  And with that potential for happiness is the potential for pain.  I find it hard to even talk at times because all I can think about is when am I going to tell him and what is he going to say.

This leads me to the self sabotaging effect that herpes can have.  I have found that I do not get emotionally bonded to a guy until I know his answer the the dreaded question.  That way if rejection is imminent, it doesn't hurt quite so bad.  Problem with that is, the other person feels this lack investment and mistakes it for something else, and often we don't make it to the question to get rejected.

Speaking of the timing of the question, that is a delicate and fragile concept that no one really knows the correct answer to, if there is one.  I can only give you the consensus that my friends and I have come to, which is this....

There is no need to wear the scarlet letter on your forehead.  Be it a one night stand or a marriage in the making, the best time to spill the beans is when sex is ACTUALLY going to be a reality, no longer a fantasy.    For women though I must tell you, you cannot wait until you have been making out for hours and blue balling the guy is the only option to potentially contracting a disease with no cure.  But....you should have at least kissed and know that you would say yes (even if it is going to take coaxing on his part) if it went that way.  So for a one night stand....you start making out with a guy...as soon as he goes for second base....that is when you stop and say to him....something along the lines of "hey, before this goes any further, there is something we need to talk about"...and take it from there.  You don't have too much invested, and it is reasonably early enough for him to control himself and make an informed decision.  Personally, once you get to second base, things may be a bit too passionate for "reason" to be the deciding factor.  I'm sure many men will agree that once you have crossed a certain point, they will either be quite a bit angry at you for letting it go that far, or, be so sexually driven that they would stick a hot iron in their eye to complete the act.  Which in my opinion is not fair.

If we are talking about forming a relationship, one where courting and dating and emotions are involved, this one can be a bit more tricky, and has quite a few more variables involved.  This is where I am completely lacking in any real world knowledge or experience, as I have just been having fun and self sabotaging my potentials at anything serious.  mainly because I am still legally married and not ready for a serious relationship.  But....BUT....there is this small matter of a man named Dan, who has kind of turned me upside down and really the reason for this post. I myself am at a place where I am now forced to think about......"when do I tell him?"  My friends and I have been talking and the conclusion is the same.....when sex becomes inevitable.  At this point, we are still bouncing around in the "friend zone"..,and barely had our first peck on the lips yesterday.  Our "courtship" is moving at a snails pace, and due to the fact that it may not actually go any where, I am waiting to see if there is that magic between us.  If I blurt it out now, I am basically just telling a friend I have herpes, for no reason at all.  I have no idea if he likes me for more than friends, so what reason do I have to tell a friend..."hey...did I ever tell you I have herpes?"....who does that? No one, that's who....so until things ramp up significantly in the passion department.....And we have that compatible first passionate kiss....there is simply no reason to humiliate myself by being THAT  forthcoming.

Now as for the advice for men who have herpes, I don't have any specific information for you because I have never been in the position where I did not have herpes and I was dating a man who did. I am a woman, and I can guess as to how I might respond to such a statement.  I know that AFTER sex is never a good time to bring it up, even after protected sex.  Most women can get much farther into the foreplay and stop and make a reasonable decision.  But I would be willing to bet...somewhere between second and third base is about as far as one should take it.  If you are in a situation, as many men find themselves in this spot, and frequently too I'm sure, where you are in a convincing role, trying to get her pants off and she is reluctant....blurting out that you have herpes will likely not help the situation.  I did however meet a guy online last month, we got to know each other quite well before planning on meeting. His position was that I was the woman he'd been looking for, for years.  When we started talking about meeting, at this point we both REALLY seemed to like each other, I decided to tell him.  Of course I was crying a little as it was embarrassing and the fear of rejection was quite high, after I got it out....he said...."can I tell you something?" "of course" I answered..."I have it too" ...wow...what a relief!  then I asked him when HE planned on telling ME.  he said "on our first date".  That seemed reasonable based on how we felt at the time.  It was the one and only time a man has ever told me that.  Being that I of course have it too...it was a relief, not a burden.

No this brings me back to Dan..."the cowboy man".  We went on a trail ride yesterday, and went out to lunch afterward.  And I hate how those thoughts cloud my every thought while I am with a man.  For god sakes, for all I know, he has it too, and is going slow because he too is worried about having to tell ME.  I doubt I am that lucky, but a girl can dream right?

And by the way, many celebritites are reported or known to have herpes, though I cannot confirm.  the list includes, Paris Hilton, Dennis Rodman, Billy Idol, Michael Vick, David Hasselhoff, Anne Heche, Robin Williams, Liza Minelli (who reportedly didn't tell hubby till after they were married...for shame) possibly Kris Humphries (though he is denying) Katie Holmes.

So let me just add this as my opinion of the day.  Herpes is not life threatening, just inconvenient.  I've had it for 20 years, and while I used to have outbreaks often back in the day, I haven't had one in the last 4 years.  My best friend has had it for 20 years and she has only had 4 outbreaks in the whole time she has had it. Two more of my friends have been married to men who have it for over ten years, and have never contracted it themselves.  And if we REALLY look at this objectively, once you have it, you have just opened up a whole new sex pool of people to sleep with.  Cuz you just can't get it twice, and those who have had it are far more likely to FUCK the ever loving shit out of you once they find out you have it too!

Happy hunting with herpes,
Share the message, not the disease.
~S~

Here is an email on advice about telling someone you have it.

Here is some helpful information that you will want to read about the moment

when you have to tell a loved one that you have contracted herpes type 1 or 2.

Although herpes is not usually life-threatening it can be life altering and so you

have a responsibility to inform your partners of the possibility of infection.

How can I tell someone for the first time? When it comes down to the basics

of telling there is no foolproof method. What you say and how you say it are

going to depend on your own personal style.  It is only natural to feel apprehensive

about telling someone else about herpes for the first time because there is a lot

of misconceptions in our society.

Carefully choose the time and place for telling someone. Although it may not be

necessary to tell someone right at the beginning of a relationship, do not wait until

after a serious relationship is established as this is not fair to the other person.

Some Practical Tips

Choose a comfortable place

The discussion could take place where you feel safe and comfortable. Some people turn off the TV, take the phone off the hook, and approach the subject over a quiet dinner at home. Others prefer a more public place, like walking in the park, or a quiet restaurant, so that their partner will feel free to go home afterwards to think things through.

Be ready to answer questions about the facts

Be prepared. Plan what is going to be said and have your facts about genital herpes clear. It can be a good idea to have relevant printed information on hand to read.

Be yourself and let the conversation flow naturally

Be spontaneous. Be confident. Regardless of their response, you are doing the right thing for both of you. By telling your partner you are allowing them the choice of whether they wish to take on this risk (although it is very, very small).  It also allows the two of you to communicate together to prevent transmission.

Put yourself in your partner's shoes

Consider how you would feel if the roles were reversed and you were being told. You can also role play the situation with a friend who already knows your situation, but do not let them always play the understanding partner. Convincing another person can help convince you.

Do not be negative or make it more than what it is!

Your attitude will influence how this news is received. Psychologists have observed that people tend to behave the way you expect them to behave, and expecting rejection increases the chances of an unhappy outcome. 

I don't want to be rejected...

Being honest with your partner is part of the process of becoming more wise and more true to ourselves. Even if this one person rejects you at this point in time, this does not make you any less of a person. In fact, you are more gracious and courageous for doing the right thing in a difficult situation.

Herpes affects over 80% of americans by the time they are in old age. This virus has been massively misconceived and should not be seen as so dirty!

You are just unfortunate to have caught this virus. It is hard not to today and if you have been sexually active and not caught herpes you should be seen as lucky. Do not feel ashamed of your situation, just be open and honest.